Oxford Nine

It was super windy today as Storm Doris hit us. I almost fell off my bike while riding to class. Oh, Oxford you surprise me again just when I thought it was getting warmer and that Spring was coming.

i had a pretty good and productive day today. Although, because of my slacking off before, I annoyed a staff at my college yet again because I missed the deadline for the graduate research fund by one day. It felt good to have completed all my tasks today. I really do want to work harder now. I didn’t come here to slack off, and so I will write a darn good essay for next Monday, a phenomenal research portfolio, a mind-blowing dissertation and study my ass off for my exams. I am truly excited to work on my dissertation as I start looking around for people to interview. It’s also an opportunity for me to learn about policy-making and if it’s really what I should be getting into.

I was telling a friend that I am really going to miss Oxford when I leave in about five months. It’s been a good home to me - not in a everything’s sunshiny kinda way, but more real. Yeah, sure I had a lot of downs here, but it helped me to learn more about who I am and who God is. This term was great because I had established communities and I couldn’t care less about being unpopular or unwanted in social circles. I was just being me. I will miss the people I meet here - the faces I’ve come to see every day. I know this because they started appearing in my dreams!

I got to meet David Miliband, CEO of the IRC today! Next week on March 3rd will mark 3 years since I started my first big girl job with IRC - about the same time that he started with IRC as well. In many ways I’m glad my first job was with them. I wouldn’t be studying or working with migration otherwise because I wouldn’t have known this whole world. It was great to finally meet him, kinda tying this whole symbolic work anniversary. I remember when he first started, he implemented Salesforce Chatter to all IRC staff worldwide and would post weekly questions about the greater refugee work, in an attempt to engage us to think bigger about our roles. It was pretty cool to have a leader that wanted to engage and interact with all of us. I’m not sure if it’s still in use today.

Needless to say, he sorta had a celebrity role amongst all the staff as well. Today I got to hear him first hand. And it’s quite obvious that he’s an Oxford grad and a politician. Quite hard to believe it was his first time back since he left about thirty years ago. He was all about democracy and listening to students’ opinions. Very good at appearing to be answering questions despite not really answering them (which to give him the benefit of the doubt, is difficult to answer in a limited time). 

However, I didn’t agree when he insisted on drawing the distinction between refugees and other migrants. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to clearly differentiate between types of migrants. Thus, rise of the term mixed migratory flows. This is also partly related to why I left IRC. I don’t agree that refugees are more vulnerable than other migrants, and therefore have more right and need to protection. While this is not explicitly stated, but it seems like a silent agreement, justifying our romanticized savior complex. For many migrants, the recognition as a refugee is life and death (a the thin line that is defined by an old agreement). People should not need to justify their right to migrate.

Being a migration scholar, I have been taught that sedentary bias (expectation that people should not move and thus,just be tied to their birth country) is inherently unfair and irrational. Every single person should have the right to migrate for better opportunities because that is the core of freedom. I know this. Yet when confronted with my own countrymen leaving Malaysia, I get emotional. 

Since young at church, I have been taught that we are all placed in Malaysia for a reason. And so it is up to us to stay on in Malaysia to build our nation. God expects it of us. I believed this to the core of my identity. So much so that I placed the same expectation onto others around me - especially Christians. But then I start seeing others around me - even Christians - leaving our country. I admit it, I do judge them for leaving because I feel like they’re abandoning the cause of nation-building, the mission that God has given us all for their own personal reasons. Heh, so much for being a non-judgmental Christian.

I am not alone in this. A friend has also faced a similar experience from her church. But as she sees it, God blessed her with the opportunity to leave. I am starting to see God’s will as being more nuanced than just stay or go. We can see so many instances of God sending His people away for His grand plan(Abraham, Joseph, Moses, Jesus, Paul, etc.). Why wasn't this more obvious to me before?

I did not realize until recently that this expectation of mine on others can be hurtful. I was so fixated on the “sacrificial cause of nation building” and my own emotions on the matter that I forgot empathy. A friend pointed out today that it pains him to leave Malaysia, but to move back home is to commit career suicide. While I see returning home to “build the nation” as my mission in life, others may not see it that way. Their expertise simply cannot be of use in Malaysia right now. Or rather, Malaysia does not have the community to support academics and researchers in their fields. Their niche is not found at home. So, shouldn’t they have the right to move to a place that would appreciate their skills and expertise? Yes, the answer is a resounding yes.

Sadly, my country does not see these talented individuals for what they’re worth. Malaysians are very talented people. As talented rational individuals, they should further their personal and human development. And who’s to say they wouldn’t return some day? I do still believe that there will be a mass migration home some day. Here’s hoping Hein de Haas’s migration hump theory is right. Perhaps this is where I come in…to build a nation that is worthy of its talented individuals.

Ice skating is a great example of life and failure. I remember skating on ice when I was much younger, and not sucking at it. I wasn’t afraid of falling. Even when I fell, I picked myself up and continued. Now, I am very afraid of falling with my greatest fear being that after I fall down, someone will skate over my fingers and slice them off (dark red blood all over white ice). But really, I found out today that it’s quite impossible because ice skate blades are flat at the bottom; they’re not sharp at all).

When I skated today with a much younger friend, we started off sucking at it but she grew better so much faster than I did. Skating requires a lot of faith that when you glide, you won’t fall. I was putting so much effort into moving my feet, as if walking, that I didn’t know how to glide. If I glide, it would’ve required much lesser effort. But I didn’t trust gliding (an uncharted territory) because the only thing I trusted with high confidence is my ability to walk.

As I grew older, we fear more and think too much of the consequences, forgetting to have faith in things other than ourselves. Because we fell so many times, we fear falling and forgot that we can pick ourselves up. We don’t try anymore and don’t risk anything. We stick to what we know with much confidence. Perhaps this is partly what Jesus meant when he said that unless we become like children, we will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

What’s in a name? I just watched a video of a group of Chinese students at Columbia University students explaining the meaning behind their names to combat racism on campus

Available here: http://columbiaspectator.com/2017/02/03/say-my-name

That got me thinking about the meaning behind my name, or names, rather. I am ethnically Chinese, and so I was given a Chinese name, ‘司徒炜湘/See Tho Wai Siong/Si Tu Wei Xiang’ I was told that when I was born, the Chinese temple priest predicted that I have too much fire element in me, and that I needed some water element to counter, creating more balance. And thus, part of my given name, ‘湘/Siong/Xiang’ is the name of a river in China.

I honestly don’t entirely know which is the right ‘Wai/Wei’ in my Chinese name. My grandpa wrote my Chinese name down in traditional Chinese on a piece of paper attached to my birth certificate. He taught me how to write it when I was really young, but I have no recollection of it anymore. For the longest time, I thought it was ‘ 纬(緯)’, which could either mean ‘latitude’ or ‘weft’. But my sister, who has the same  ‘Wai/Wei’ in her name as me, pointed out that it is more probable for it to be ‘ 炜’ which means ‘glowing; bright; brilliant’. So, ‘炜湘’ loosely means ‘brilliant river’. Sounds much better than ‘latitude/weft river’, so I took it. Now, my surname is ‘司徒’, which is a Chinese compound surname. It’s uncommon for Chinese surnames to be more than one word. According to Wikipedia, ‘司徒’ was a ranking given beginning the Zhou dynasty to Minister over the Masses, one of the three most important official posts given. I’m guessing the title was adopted into a surname by the descendants of this minister. Pretty cool, huh? Separately, each word’s meaning is pretty cool too.  ‘司’ is a verb meaning ‘take charge of’ and ‘徒’ can either mean ‘apprentice’ or ‘believer’.

So I suppose together, my name can loosely mean ‘brilliant river apprentice in charge’? I never knew my name could mean so much. Back at home, we just romanize our names, and I never learned Chinese formally. I didn’t have to learn how to write my name in Chinese. I never learned how to appreciate my name.

My teachers in school can never get my entire name right. There’s only a limited number of letters that can fit into my name tag. Somehow during my entire 11 years of school life, the school admin thought it was okay to cut my name short to three words instead of four. So, it’s always either ‘See Tho Wai’ or ‘Tho Wai Siong’, Yeah, my friends thought it was funny too. I just laugh it off as something that cannot be fixed or challenged, and as unimportant. Everyone just calls me See Tho anyway, because they can never get the ‘Siong’ right. Granted, it’s a hard sound to make if you weren’t exposed to Chinese pronunciation. 

Now I wish I challenged the system, and asked them to correct my name to what it really is. Because I realize now that because none of the teachers can ever get my entire name right, I cultivated a sense of shame whenever they uttered my name (or rather try to utter my name). I would quickly stop them from even trying because I just assume that they will never pronounce it right, so why try? They can just call me by my easier to pronounce surname, and that’s fine.

Both my siblings also had most of their teachers and friends call them See Tho. So, there’s the obvious confusion of which See Tho being called. It doesn’t help that we were all in the same school at some point. We’d also be really confused when callers ask for See Tho, and the next question is always, “which one?” I do have some close friends who call me Wai Siong, and of course my family.

Fast forward to college freshman year. This was it. My time to reinvent myself. No one from my old school went to the same college as me. I can be whoever I wanted to be. After I became a Christian, I wanted to adopt a ‘Christian’ name as well, just like my sister. And like her, I wanted one that started with an A because it’ll be really cool if we both had names that began with the same letter. So, on to babynames.com! I had low self-esteem growing up, and so I wanted to be someone courageous starting this new chapter in my life. I looked through names that began with an A and meant courage. It was between Andie and Audrey, and so I went to my mama for advice. Mama See Tho says Andie is too manly sounding, and so Audrey it is!

I’m a firm believer in the power of a name in changing a person. Perhaps it’s an effect of self-fulfilling prophecy. I genuinely upheld the meaning of Audrey, which is ‘noble strength’ and tried to live up to it. I broke out of my quiet and shy self, and became Audrey. I started off still introducing myself as See Tho, but then when I transferred to study in the States, I thought it would just make everyone’s life easier if people just know me as Audrey, a common angicized name. Til today I don’t know to whose convenience or benefit did I do this for. Perhaps both saving myself from cringing every time someone gets my name wrong or saving other people from awkwardness? Of course close friends and admin people at college still knew my full real name. Sometimes I tell people when they ask me why I adopted the name Audrey. Most people just think it’s part of my legal name.

At work, everyone knew my full legal name (because of my name in email), but still call me Audrey. Again, convenience. But no one really asked me why. I suppose it’s a normal occurrence in Malaysia? 

Here at Oxford, I think people around me are more curious about my name situation. Again, because of my email, people know my full legal name. But quite a number do ask me why. Perhaps because Oxford students and residents are more analytical? But this and finally formally learning Chinese language got me thinking why. Beyond convenience - why do I continue to take up the name Audrey and still cringe when strangers find out my full legal name - and having to explain the situation with my name?

Am I really ashamed of my name? Why is anglicization of names the norm? Why do I bother about the convenience of others - shouldn’t they learn how to say my name? And even before that, shouldn’t I at least give them the chance to try pronouncing my name? Sure, it’s gonna take a few tries, but isn’t it worth it - for them to learn my roots as well? Do people think I’m fake when they learn that Audrey is not even my ‘real’ name? Would my life have played out differently if I never adopted the name Audrey. If I was just See Tho Wai Siong from the beginning, from the moment my name was etched correctly into my school name tag - all four words loud and proud, would I be a different person today? I don’t know. But I do know that I am as much See Tho Wai Siong as I am Audrey. I have thought about legally including Audrey into my name. Perhaps.