Blab Bout Tuboj

So I heard that I am making quite a noise over her ask.fm account. Never did I realize that this day will come however, what’s more surprising is that despite the embarrassing number of follower my digital cave right here has, it was found.

As the aforementioned tumblr url states, yes I may be “creepy” to be writing my feelings to someone who is unaware of my existence to this imperfect world and I admit that I am - this is exactly what this insane writer here is best described. And I’m claiming it; no one in the right mind must have done something like this at least to her.

Words were the only tool used for self-expression yet same was used against me to warn her about safety. I don’t really mind being ignored what concerns me is that I might become a burden to her feelings. With vast opinions being asked of her, it’s not rocket science to figure that she’s dealing something with her personal life now. Encouraging her to feel alarmed or frightened would be of no help to her current state. Sometimes, I am starting to lose my faith with humanity knowing stupid-minded people are just out there, breathing.

Nevertheless, I thank you for being reckless. I never intended to build a bridge towards her but you served as an instrument to make it happen. Now, I look less pathetic as someone has managed to do the job for me. She might have seen or read something here, I wouldn’t really know. But if not, that doesn’t stop me to continue writing my piece even if no one is eager enough to know. You don’t even have any idea of who I am - the way you have expressed yourself does not differ you from random people posting unsolicited opinions about her life decisions.

And to the person the words posted here are intended for: Hi! Guess I spilled my heart out, huh? Sorry! ;)

You know when chances hits right into your face yet the horror of taking it is just too much. Too much that you might as well not take it. It’s when expectations and delusions try to take over your thoughts and not having that exact picture in reality may lead you into some serious trouble comparable towards the need to self-distract.

I found myself in between such apprehension which I know I shouldn’t dwell much about as this is just a simple matter-of-the-heart and not even as critical as the Ebola outbreak in West Africa or the ongoing bombing around Gaza neither the delinquent food shortage experienced from rest of the world. What’s happening now is beyond from what was experienced which is an affirmation that this has never been my area of expertise despite early exposure and fondness to romantic-comedy flicks. It was so much easy to watch and absorb these stories that I may have kept few points from it which may just come handy if ever such situations are dealt in the future. But once you’re facing it, it’s never the same, the gears you have effortlessly polished over the years are likely put into waste.

I thought I knew a lot about love until recently the feelings came back yet trying to chase and make it a reality was so much difficult. Each day, I get more afraid of putting in so much of my heart and trying to fight it on the other hand was far worse than hard. I stare at possibilities from the horizon yet I am not certain whether putting it into action will be good for me or ignoring it will likely save me from my forthcoming misery. But I am a person who wouldn’t want to be haunted by what ifs yet at the same time, the difficulty coming up with logical decisions has always been a personal challenge.

Should I stay with this feeling knowing all the risks? As I try to end this writing, I am caught between these words – I’ll let my heart take its chances just to be loved by you.

Sigh.

Here are your Megacrew CHAMPS!!!

Wiping my nose as I type, not feeling very well today however, the need for writing has been bothering my head. I might go about bragging first that their crew just won the 2014 Hip Hop International Championship - Megacrew Division held in Las Vegas, NV last August 10th. I’m one of the lucky few to witness that great moment not just for the team but for our country, everyone was proud on how things went for them. Sweat, pain and tears - was all worth their effort. I was glad to see supportive family members and friends who took time to be there considering it was a Monday. Oh but I was there also, Well I guess more than being just a part of it, I know how important that day was to Her. Besides it was an opportunity to see her in the big screen, she has gone international for freaking sake! - Doesn’t happen everyday. 

I’m not going to talk about the over-all performance as I am no professional in that aspect neither do I understand the technicalities of a dance execution; I was only there to see her (if I get lucky) and to show my support for her passion.

And I did, first thing I saw was the top of her head and I am 100% certain it was her then a quick look of her face was shown on the screen, she’s wearing an awkward smile as she shies away from the camera. I sense it was the nerves getting her; they were the last to perform that night. The only thing I had in mind that instant was the hope of no one getting hurt. That was far more important at least for me next to winning.

I’d say over-all the performance kicked everyone’s ass. They got it in their bag, no doubt. It was beautiful - nothing more, nothing less! I had a wish before finals day though, that they get the title for this year knowing it was also what she and everyone could have wanted. Let’s be honest here, they’re most definitely not there to get a bronze nor silver… everyone is aiming for the gold title! Who wouldn’t? Consequently, power of prayers had made its magic. They got what they wanted. She got what she perhaps wished for. I was happy to see her making one her dreams come true. I may have not been one of those people who were there from the beginning of her journey but I sure am a person who knows when and how to support someone’s love for her craft.   To cap that day, I did saw her during the awarding and all. She was insanely happy and I am one proud living thing! - Yep, that’s the best way I can describe myself for now as I am no category of either friend nor a close family. That very same day I got to discover something about me, the capability of doing crazy things for someone I hardly know, someone I saw from the internet, someone who made my numb heart starts reacting again. I am not even bothered by the fact that my existence at present is still unknown. The heck? I’m happy!

Maybe good ‘ole fate is trying to teach me about being selfless; to give love and not take; to rise above the fear of promises and expectations of one’s love towards another. This may sound stupid to you but trust that I also made a point. This may not last long, I know… but I’m ready wherever the tide takes me. This time I’ll go with a strong head and heart. I may never get a chance with her nevertheless, during the time I was able to do random things by some means I got to understand the world she’s in, how startling her life and how beautiful her entire being is. That’s something that not all was able to do but in strange and unfamiliar circumtances, i did. :)

Later today she leaves for Vegas. Yep, you heard that right! Not for good though but to represent our country for an international competition. I tell this to you with so much pride! At such a young age, she’s living her life… her dreams… her passion. I think she has done a lot with life more than I did. These are just some of things you’ll definitely admire about her.

I sense that her time lately has been spent most on rehearsals and activities she probably might need to settle before she leaves. She seldom tweets nor post photos which makes me miss her more and wonder how she is these days; social media has been my only channel to stay connected. Haven’t slept plentiful lately, which I am puzzled if factored by pressure at work or just me lonesome to the person I’m infatuated with.

Sleep deprived, I suppose a probation that we both share. Her being too busy with her life activities and me really not sure of what I am staying up late for. Well, there were instance that I kind of wanted to put my feelings at ease by knowing how is she, how her day went or wherever she is. I think of her too much; too much that I trade thoughts of her over a good night sleep on a rainy night — an opportunity others might not let pass.

And once I hear from her, I’m relieved. Blood continues to flow inside my body, getting back to its usual operation. It’s her effect on me.

Thoughts of her make me smile. I laugh otherwise pucker my brow when I read her tweets. I get giddy when I see her newly posted photos.

I live for those moments.

You may think I’m insane and superficial to feel such and I can’t blame you for that since I hear the same from people around. I don’t get anything from this aside from full-size-dark-as-ever-eye-bag-and-circles. However, this is where I feel comfort and ease; it’s like hugging a soft fluffy pillow or sipping your favorite drink or being in a safe place. She probably is my safe place (I had home in mind but that’s farther than reality at the moment).

I know she’ll enjoy the hell out of Vegas. I wish her all the best and more importantly, keep that optimistic mindset she has. It’ll be a great deal to have the title for this year nevertheless, you doing everything from the HEART is far more important. It’ll bring you to spaces and opportunities more that you thought possible. We are all proud of what you have already accomplished, just keep pushing yourself to the edge and if you fall, I’m sure it’s always, always going to be worth it. Take good care of you, take pleasure in moreover eat all authentic burgers and fries you want!! May the force be with you.

Can’t wait for you to come back! :)

On my way home as the rain pours hard on the window pane, I listen to Madonna on my ipod.

I never wanted anyone like this…

Caught that line from the song. How timely.

There’s a typhoon warning yet I didn’t bother to know a lot about its details. Also, I’m supposed to do a presentation at work the next day which I didn’t care much about either. The weather is just making the pace slow down, something the rain can only do. You can just set aside everything and just go into deep thinking… you know where I’m heading here now, don’t you?

Hmm.. guess I shouldn’t take this thinking-too-much-of-her time against the rain. Its probably just me longing for her, wondering what she’s up to now. Writing down my feelings here though is not helping me much. Don’t know where to start nor what I should do, just shared to you the other day about “timing” and now I’m starting to look at “time misspent”?

Gahd, I’m getting nuts! I’m not even incharge now of my own mind.

Things that I endlessly daydream about may not happen with her. She’s with someone now and seems really happy inlove. I’m glad to see that she is yet I can’t escape the thought of what its like if she was with me.

I don’t wanna go through that mistake I did once. My last relationship started with the wrong foot and before I know it, things eventually fell apart pieces by pieces and I tell you its not fun. While I try to forget that unfortunate event in my life that I realized, if I insist getting in the way of her current relationship just for hopes of having her in life NOW may lead to some serious relationship downfall in the future then FORGET it!

Why do I always have this feeling that everything with her should be RIGHT. There’s something is this fantasy that seems real — In my heart, I really can feel it.

RIGHT THING, I should just do the right thing - to wait until I get my chance… my time. I have to prepare and trust that it’ll come. As the old saying goes “good things come to those who wait”, right? I just hope its not going to be a long one. :|