Overheard in Emergency

One hat- blue, twenty-five cents, a pair of pants- khaki, one sandwich- age unknown...

Patient has dementia and often creams... Oh, that's a very unfortunate typo.

RN #1: The safety alert read "Masturbated to completion."

So... I Uber pooled with a patient this morning. She was covered in vomit and all. It was very awkward.

He had two homemade quesadillas before he got here. Want to know how I know that? They were all over the stretcher when be arrived.

Senior Resident: Room 2 is a guy who walked into a fire station at 4am and said that he had chest pain. Bro was riding the white train.

Okay, well we're going to get you some wake-up meds now.

So giving her a liter bolus will kill her. It's ordered but it's a bad idea. I won't be hanging that, did you have another idea?

See us Dominicans, we fill both legs up with bricks under the cast. Then we hop in a wheelchair and go to Spain. Then we hop out and walk on through and rip that sh-t off.

I had a ham and cheese and then the squirrels ate me. I need a rabies shot.

Make sure you don't staple the wrong hole closed or we're going to have a problem.

You can use me as a sprinkler head now.

I can see someone's eyeball hanging out but I can't with a dirty fridge. If there's one thing that's going to make me gag, it's that nastiness.

RN: Well despite the 50 minute down time, he's maintaining his pH well.

"The only cards nurses have time for."

Basically, anytime you find some sort of left behind mess its from Ortho. Sink clogged with plaster? Ortho. Bandages everywhere? Ortho. Blue dye on the floor? Ortho. Unless it's bloody guaze and sutures- then it's Plastics.

Admitting writes for 60 an hour all the time and it makes me crazy. I might as well go lick my patient if that's all they need.