My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.

im just sad. im also tired of feeling sorry for myself. i dont want to show up for things right now. i dont even really wanna be seen right now. wanna go into hermit mode. i can't escape from this hell rn.

my hands are ugly, my toes are ugly, my room is a mess and my plants are dying. thats 27. the occasional knee pain here and there. im in limbo or im a wheel going in circles almost losing my mind. i need to leave this country that would do me so much good. cycling and sun(sets) are the things keeping me going. i feel ugly

nothing is bringing me happiness anymore. i can't convince myself that im happy or that things are going well. i feel like im in the dark and im travelling thru the abyss of my mind running into parts of my old self that i once recognized that i no longer recognize. and as much as i recognize myself in the mirror, the person within doesnt feel like the person externally. my job is killing me. my mothers health continues to decline. my mental health has declined rapidly these last few weeks. i've been too tired and under alot of stress and i dont have me time anymore. theres nothing to look forward to. i've been living in an existential loop for months now. i dont like the new me. i dont like this version of myself. i dont like how i see the world. i dont like how i interact with people and i dont like how careless i am about myself. im drowning in a sea and no one can see me. i dont know who im trying to convince im happy or why im bothering god why? my room is a mess and my plants are dying. depression is that you? lmao. no one is going to save me from this but me. theres nowhere i can go to escape this hell, theres no amount of drugs that can help this, theres no amount of distractions that can help this. nothing. i miss my friends. i miss seeing my friends. i miss laughing with my friends. NOT talking on a phone with them. i thought about how much life i've seen today and if i want to see anymore this year and i hate that im even thinking like this but damn something has to give. im destroying my body and myself for WHAT. it feels like im at a rock bottom and i cant convince myself that things are getting any better. the older i get i understand now why men kill themselves. i get it now. i get why feeling missunderstood and the pressures to be something and provide can feel stifling when you have no outlet or support system around you that is helping. i can see why now. having sick people constantly around you telling you they're sick and poorly can turn you abit crazy. where are my friends? where have i been for my friends? can i do better for them? sobering feeling when you're alone with your thoughts. i feel like im letting people down but idk ppl dont understand the extent of my sadness. i cant make people understand either. the state of the world is dire