The Array of Emotions

We still here luvs.

I guess I continue posting here because not many people still keep up with my tumblr.

I guess I’m venting here because no one goes on tumblr as much anymore but here goes.

I’m sick and tired of life. People seem to just walk over me and not care; people dismiss my feelings and don’t care for me. I’m having a hard time living right now; or less so finding meaning to.

Sometimes I think like what would it mean if I just ran away & started life somewhere else? Would people care? Would people be happier? I don’t know... but what I do know is I’m not taking care of myself enough. I need to etch out a space for me. I focus too much on everyone else and don’t give no time for me. I hate my life sometimes... well most times, but I tend to keep my mouth shut and hopes high.

Now it just seems like my hope is dwindling. At my core, I was raised to understand that family is everything. That what I do, who I am, what I contribute; has to be focused on family. I give back to the family, I take care of family members, I support them as they support me. But what happens when those feelings & actions aren’t reciprocated? What happens when you continually are dismissed, refuted, and ultimately shunned?

Depression happens.

I don’t know; I’ve been thinking about it. My friend tells me I just need to “start saying no” which is great and all in theory, but it’s hard when the cards are stacked against me. Cards that have taken years to shuffle, build, and pile over me like a pyramid waiting to topple. I think to myself maybe they’re right, but the more as I look up at the pyramid the more the peak glares back at me letting me know to stay in line. At first I thought, it’s like when someone tells you “just be happy” when you’re depressed. It’s just not feasible. In hinesight, I suppose baby steps are in order. Maybe if I try day by day to say no to the little things and etch out my space as I have with my room, that I’ll have more peace of mind. I don’t know...

What I do know and what hurts the most, is that I won’t ever have a deeply loving and caring relationship that I do with my sibling. I wish she was more understanding instead of being extremely rigid with her thinking and disrespectful with her actions. It feels as though whatever I tell her doesn’t phase her anymore and that even if I try to talk to her she wouldn’t care. She’s a grown ass adult now. There’s no going back in terms of her own personality development. I wish she would be a better more empathetic person, but the time to have that happen are long gone.