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I'm freaking out, I just read things about lesbians and bisexuals and nonbinary trans and I can feel their frustration, their hatred and their sorrow in their words. I feel like my chest is on fire. I need to calm down, I need to smoke because I feel so bad now. I'm so useless. I can't even do anything right and I just burden people. Keep getting self pitying thoughts about suicide or announcing to group members that I have cancer. I just want to die.
Feel upset, watched I am jazz. She gets comments about referring her to "it" and that she should die or they'll kill her themselves. People against doxing never gotten death threats, and this person definitely deserved to get doxxed. Fuck this person, fuck them and fuck their mother. I hope they get their face smashed in. I have so many friends who are openly trans or transitioning and the idea of them getting higher chances of suicide or being assaulted, raped or killed fucking make my stomach churn. There are bad people in the world who want to hurt people. There are bad people who will kick you into the dirt just because they enjoy it. I'm feeling incredibly agitated in anger. I just want to find these people and hurt them so bad. I want to be a good person, and a good person is nice to everybody and not just a few. I don't think I'm capable of being good now. I'm just so angry I want to cry. This world is incredibly shitty to navigate through. I don't know what to do to make myself feel better. A fucking tv show sets me off. I don't know.
It’s 7:40pm on Sunday and I have an assignment due. All day I’ve done everything that I planned out to do- eat junk food in front of a monitor playing video games. There’s no way in hell that I can finish it on time, so I’ll have have to take the late marks and go from there. I woke up this morning like I have for the past two days, feeling terrible, cranky and tired.
I don’t care. My back hurts and my legs feel like jelly. I’m not sure if I was like this all day or if anxiety is kicking in. I don’t want to do anything. Almost all of the plants that I bought or grew from seedling are dead. A month ago, I was emotionally invested when one died, and now I feel nothing. I should be upset, but I’m not.
I’m so tired. Everything is ruined and nothing can be fixed.
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I'm constantly doubting myself if I'm just going through some kind of episode, or that I have issues regulating my emotions and inner thoughts, or that maybe this is just me normally and that there's nothing to be done to change it. My relationship with school is a strained one. I was always the problem child and never done my work, so I've always had a struggling relationship between my parents, my teachers and my grades. I've never developed the skill to study or make effective use of my time, which is hitting me right now in uni. I've never really enjoyed studying. I enjoyed learning, but I hated being tested because of the firm belief that I cannot perform as well as other people in my age group, and that I am wholly under serving of having education on me. I'm always in a shit mood for a whole variety of reasons that cannot be medicated or solved. I'm trapped in this cycle of having low grades because of my poor mood, having poor mood due to anxiety and lack of emotional regularity, that because I do not get much emotional support from my family or ask for it through professional or close relationship wise. Because I've been constantly told that my emotions will pass, so will my feelings and that every normal person can get over anything without the assistance of psychiatric counselling. Instead of money into that, I have to push myself into my studies and graduate as soon as possible even under rational mind that it is an unwise idea. In the past, I've been constantly told by professionals that I shouldn't be so self centred and believe that I'm the only one struggling but that's all I'm doing nowadays is crying into my pillow angry at myself for not being able to remember a single thing from lecture today. In order for me to study, I need to feel good to concentrate. I am always feeling so shitty about my situation of being a late bloomer and having piss poor grades and not seeing a bright future or a career with this diploma. So I just go on the Internet to forget how fucking shitty life is so I can be my normal self without even thinking. Thinking gets me into trouble with triggering my bad mood so I just do everything I can to stop the fucking noise in my head so I can just be normal, so I can just feel normal for a brief moment. With days constantly wanting to die and with nights constantly afraid of dying, I am living in an unstable world where I isolate myself in my room with my phone off and my books closed surrounded by heaps of trash, dirty clothing and rotting food everywhere. At night, I need something on the background to stop the mental chatter that keeps me feeling sick and dying. How absolutely miserable my life is, even though there is no reason for this misery. I have a job, I have a family that loves me and supports me, I am financially secure and I am getting an education. There is no logical reason for me to live my life like this at all. The only thing I look forward into life is sex and food, and I'll probably die before the age of 30 because of my piss poor choices in life.
I'm okay. My mood's been up and down like usual, but I've been more content lately.
When things get bad, I keep believing that my lowest point is my most normal one, that it is my homeostasis. Because I can be happy and content, but at the end of the day, I eventually return to this low feeling in which I just want to punch the floor and cry. Thoughts like,
"This is who I really am as a person. I was stupid to think that I could ever escape this feeling. I've returned to this state, it was eventual."
Even though now in right of mind, I know that this isn't true. It's not normal or right to live completely happy. Neither is believing that you are always unhappy and meant to be no matter how hard you escape from it. The problem is that I have a difficult time trying to stop these kind of thoughts from running around in my head, when I'm not content.
Sometimes I'm just so exhausted from feeling so bad, that I want to crawl on the bed and cry myself to sleep, wishing that I would never wake up. My head is on fire, my heart feels like it's shrinking and nothing is okay.
Do not say the words "straight pride". Just don't. It's offensive and hurtful. I don't care if you're part of the GSA. I don't care if you "love the gays but-". I don't care if you didn't mean to hurt people, but guess what you have.
Straight people are not denied a job, rooming or expelled from a school for being straight. Straight kids were never bullied for being straight, or matching their gender expression to their biological sex. They're not killed, or hated in religious teachings because of their sexual orientation. Straight couples can express PDA without constantly fearing for their safety, and don't have to risk being "outed" . In movies, they don't use "That's so straight", or "straggot". Straight people have privilege while those who aren't part of this group do not. Society enforces heteronormativity, which means what? Straight people are normal. Straight people aren't deviants. Straight people don't have mental illness just because they like the opposite gender. There's nothing to be proud of in being straight, life is fucking awesome for you guys.
Straight pride is not just about being proud of being straight. It is a response to "gay pride", a celebration for those who aren't straight to feel okay. Okay that they love the same sex, both sexes, or beyond gender binary. Or that they are asexual (NOT ALLIES), transgender or genderqueer. That they are two-spirit or intersexed, or much more. The point is, straight pride is kind of like having a bridesmaid wear a white dress, and stealing the thunder from the bride. Straight pride is just another enforcer that reminds us "Don't forget the vast majority are heterosexuals, and that you guys are the other". It marginalizes our experiences now and in the past history. Straight people have straight pride, every day of your life. Why do you put effort into overshadowing ours? Straight pride is never about you, it is also about us and how it is just another way of oppression in this game of majority vs minority.
Educate and better yourselves. Because the next straight person who tells me that there shouldn't be pride, or that there should be a "straight pride" is gonna feel my fist connected to their neck.
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I feel like I'm sinking into the bed but instead of my eyes, it's my stomach. Tonight, I don't have any pleasant thoughts to take me away into a state of bliss. This night, the curse, can't be saved with idle daydreams and looped mantra. My chest will cave in and I fear the different kind of nothingness. It isn't bliss, but it is cold and empty. No, the screams aren't my own but is my voice. It doesn't make sense. Today was a good day.
There's tension around the area of both ears, and I have a slight headache. I'm sitting here, after doing nothing all day and finally it's quiet enough for me to actually hear my own thoughts. It happens mostly when I'm alone, and bored.
But I'm thinking of nothing and the sides of my head feels tense. I feel slightly nauseous, maybe because of being in front of the screen all day. There's a sick feeling in my chest, the feeling that something is terribly wrong and I'm horribly upset. There's something bad going to happen. I'm not okay. I have the urge to scream and destroy things but I am able to control myself. The strong urges won't go away and I don't know how to handle this kind of mental stress.
I can't live like this. I feel like I'm dying and I'm scared and frustrated and angry and sad. I can't concentrate on anything else. I'm very upset about something but I don't know what caused it. Maybe it's everything, and the feeling that nothing's going to be okay.
The way I've dealt with liking someone was unhealthy, not forward and cowardly. With the fear of becoming too intimate with others, I've lost relationships with old friends and family. I was the one who severed all ties, just for the sake of being secure in my own world. I like her a lot. I can go on how my feelings to someone is selfish, vapid and delusional. To fall in love is nothing but a fantasy and looking at everything with rose coloured glasses. Being part of a fantasy with a mutual partner completes the formula called love. Right now I'm living in a fantasy. But even if she wanted to live in fantasy together. I don't think I can accept her. Deep inside. I'm undeserving of love, no matter how hard I try to argue else wise. To be loved by someone is too frightening, too overwhelming, and too disgusting. I am less of a human being and she deserves someone who can wholly accept her love. If I allow us to indulge in this forbidden fruit called love, she'll discover the ugly box of low self esteem. I don't want to hurt anybody, so please allow me to bear my own cross and suffer alone.
God I feel sick. I'm feeling so bad right now. I need someone to talk to but I'm too stubborn to tear away from whatever self-sufficient stable image I have. I'm hurting so much and I can't tell anybody- no they don't even care. I just want to climb on a table and scream hysterically "look at me, look at me please!!" to the crowd without faces.
That's great and all, but you're a dumb sack of shit. It's not made for you, you're not entitled to enjoy looking. It isn't for you, so don't look and don't like it cause you don't have the privilege to.
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Sometimes I really hate myself for being bisexual. It often stems from hours on end researching and trying to convince myself that I am bisexual. But at the end of the day, I end up from where I have started, I haven't moved an inch. The b word. I don't tell straight friends because they'll think it's a phase or that I am a raging vagina licking rapist. I don't tell queer friends because they'll think I'm a cheater and I actually like dick all along, with whatever bi privilege I have, is gone since I dress masculine and look like a butch queer. My one friend thought I was straight since asian androgynous fashion is popular. Another queer friend referred to me as a lesbian. I get scared of public washrooms. A chick looks at me, so I walk quickly and use the sink as fast as possible. I'm worried that I'm making this an uncomfortable environment for her, that I was being inconsiderate of her straight privilege. After all who wants some ugly butch lesbian hitting on them right?? I look like one, and I get treated like one. If I'm so highly uncomfortable with straight environments and treated poorly by straight people, I should be around queer people instead, But I don't say the B word. Either way, I'm being accepted into a community. Sometimes my chest hurts a bit when queer people say "fake bisexual", or "straight allies shouldn't invade our space". That liking the opposite sex now or in the past lowers my status and my voice in that community. There was no funded event for bisexuality at my college's lgbtq group. I don't know how I should feel when lesbians love orange is the new black, when the show won't even say the b word. I'm perpetually afraid of being too queer or too straight around both enviornments.
We have a complicated relationship that is neither at extreme ends of spiteful or nurturing. We live like strangers under the same roof and despite being related we look and behave nothing like each other. I believe that our personalities just don't match we don't mean to be together apart from once-a-year phone calls. When I was living by myself, you called me four times a week and I only picked up one of those calls. I wrecked my life and you welcomed me back home with a roof over my head, food on my plate and suffocating companionship. This is enough proof to show how much you love me. But I don't know if I can say that I love you back.
After all, I'm just taking this opportunity to leech off of you and take whatever resources I can in the name of parental responsibility. Once I pay you back everything I owe, I want to cut you out of my life. I love you, but not how you love me back, or how other people love their parents.
I appreciate everything you have done for me. Sometimes in my moments of despair I cursed you for creating me. I turned out to be a major disappointment for you. I never turned out to be the daughter you've always wanted- who wears her hair long and is skinny and is beautiful and is fashionable. I never was the first doctor, teacher or lawyer in this family. Sometimes I don't know if it is in your eyes or if it is through mine that I recognize disappointment and perpetual worry. Your once troublesome son turned responsible now that he has a career, while the daughter who you put your hopes and dreams into is now the troublesome one.
I don't hate you. If you died, I would appreciate your existence and the good memories we've shared. You're the closest person I connect to in this family. Still our relationship is rather strained and not as close as others would think.
I'd snap at you, I did something wrong. You take it until you can't take it anymore. We both fight and we never say we're sorry like the stubborn women we are. When I'm angry I can't think straight and I can't remember anything good from you. What you've done to me in the past was abusive, emotionally unsupportive and manipulative. I go on with our relationship pretending to myself that I've forgiven you, but deep inside I actually really hated what you've done to me. I purposely try to make myself forget so we can get along, but when we fight it all comes back and it reminds us that we aren't compatible with each other.
You were never there for me. An immigrant parent who started off with the convenience store, you were too busy working while my brother punished me. You put your life and effort into supporting us kids, but that drained your energy to provide whatever emotional support for me. I was a problem child, and I was emotional. You yelled at me to stop crying and that just made me cry more and you were terrifying when you screamed. Or you mocked me, telling me that I was too emotional and moody. I grew up believing that I was emotionally unstable and become obsessed with hiding all negative emotion from other people. To me, that was the ultimate betrayal. So I stopped confiding you with anything and I shut you from my life to protect myself.
"How was school today?"
I was bullied and I hate school.
"Fine."
To this day, it spread not only to you, but I hold every significant person at a distance. You noticed it and you tried to pry into my life like any mother wants to. But the more you tried to impose yourself, the more I got scared, angry and defensive. I lashed out telling you to leave me alone and that I hated you. Eventually you gave up and looked helplessly (or perhaps grudgingly) at the glass plate between you and I. The glass plate can let us see each other, and we can talk to each other. But it blocks out any intimacy a normal mother-daughter relationship would have. We can never hug each other, or share our feelings, but just look at a distance like old friends that fell out of touch over the years.
But we ruined each other. I was the one who put up the glass plate and I shut you off from my life. I could understand if it resulted in any bitter feelings for you. In the end, I chose not to strengthen our relationship because I was blinded by my fears of rejection and pain. I lied to you a lot and caused you much pain. For so long, I lied and pretended that I was someone who I was not. And when I revealed my true self, my ugly emotions, you didn't understand.
But as unbearable as I was, you still stuck by me which still puzzles me to this day. This is the power of blood relations, something that I do not plan on experiencing firsthand at any point in the future. So I have to say, even though I despise what you have done to me, I cannot deny that you were the most important figure of my life who shaped me to what I am today (for better or for worse). And even though at this moment I don't have the courage to apologize, or admit anything, or to let down that glass wall; I think we both know that we take each other for granted. Maybe one day, we'll be close again but I don't think I am capable of doing anything of the sort right now.
So just for now I'll shut my mouth and close my eyes so we can get along with the glass plate in between us.
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