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I’ve been tracking my steps, I walk 10 kilometres a day at work. No wonder I’m always exhausted. I’m too tired to reach out. Last night I dreamt our car rolled off a bridge and we plunged into the water below. I wish I had more time to myself to listen to myself. I want to start writing. I spent the evening listening to Sufjan Stevens and looking at photographs from happy times which now leave me with a sense of unease. Yesterday a friend thanked me for being supportive and I nearly burst into tears. I don’t know where this is going, I’ll end it here.

This year has felt like constant turbulence and I don't know how to settle it. I am so tired of fighting my brain.

Sometimes I feel a low burning anger. I feel myself becoming like my mother, I can hear the same bitterness dripping off my tongue, the same spite she carried. I am trying so hard to remain soft. I need to. I want to scream inside myself for a very long time. I feel like I'm going crazy.

On Sunday I possibly fractured my foot. So begins the fifth day of not being able to put any weight on it. So begins the fifth day of hopping through the house, from the couch to the toilet to the kitchen until finally falling back into the couch. The crutches I have are painful, leaving me with bruising and no energy, so I can't leave the house. I am depressed. Yesterday I cut 2 inches off my hair, staring at my sad face in the mirror. I've started picking my skin, picking at it with the hatred I feel for it. The problem with using physical exercise for regulating your depression is that when you can't, you are forced into the realisation you never really learnt coping mechanisms at all. I am extremely unlovable currently and closed off. I desperately want company but when it's around I shut off. It's so so beautiful outside.

Anecdote: I walked into a small boutique and the beautiful woman working told me I would look fantastic in a top I was browsing through, so I awkwardly laughed and didn’t actually reply using any kind of words and then continued browsing and then quietly slid out of the store because I’m incapable of human communication. 

Every time I get a new follower on this I’m like.. why? I look at/post on this once a month. Anyway, life update. I’m working one day a week and it isn’t quite covering rent. In a week I have to start dipping into my savings. Last week I thought it would be a great idea to spend two weeks of rent money on two new pairs of glasses because I’m having an identity crisi. I thought that after quitting my main job I’d become really productive but I’m just lazy and relishing the time to do nothing by doing nothing. Is there a sustainable way to maintain working only one day a week? (No.) I’ve been doing mostly decent quality exercise I guess? I haven’t rewritten my resume or applied for a single job because I hate them all and just want a career I enjoy. Can’t some publication hire me as their staff photographer even though I have literally zero commercial or editorial experience? I’ve been considering applying for some sort of post grad study but can’t really figure out exactly what it is I’d like to do. I feel like a tiny little gal floating in a giant ocean just getting pushed along and really doing absolutely nothing about it. Eh. 

I’m having a hard time and I’m pushing all my friends away / turning into a person they’d rather not spend time with. 

Today was my final shift at my main job, I still work one day a week at a great shop which will pay the rent each week but nothing else. I was tired and unenthused by it, needing an escape from the monotony. I have never not had a job before. I’m not studying. I feel like I should be crafting my life into something I want to head towards and I’m not. I’m so lost. I have entered my late twenties with no direction and no goals. I studied for four years to have people ask me to take photos for free. Everything on social media is an illusion but yet I want others lives. 

When will I stop feeling so flat grey listless. I have no interest in doing anything. I just lay around waiting for something to happen. Ugh.