Alone for now

I just have so many thoughts about Tessa and Scott and it’s so emotional and thank god for the Internet because I would be dying without all the amazing pics, vids, articles, and fan blogs. ❤️

What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.

You listen up. If you really loved this person they’re always going to be a part of you, and you’re not going to get over it, and maybe that sounds like a dismal thing you don’t want to hear right now but you loved them for a reason because they spoke to a part of you that’s at your core, and you don’t want to erase that, you want to still be open to those feelings and if you try to shut them out and pretend they never even got in there and you can just turn that off, well that’s a really cold thing and a cold place to be. And I’ve been through a couple of break-ups in my day, they’re never easy, and a friend of mine once said something to me that I found really, really touching. I was saying ‘I don’t know how I’m going to get over this one man it’s really messing with my head,’ and he said ‘Sometimes you don’t need to get over things, sometimes you need to recognize that life can be chaotic, and the chaos just exists.’ And that really calmed me down. And I think you’ve got to remember like do you want to get over it? I don’t know that you do, I think you want to move on and think of it as a piece of your past instead of something that’s going to mess with your present or that you’re worried about with your future. But you should let that be the past. If you really loved that person that’s a beautiful thing you don’t want to get over that and there’s probably a lot that you can take away from that even if you still do love them a little bit forever.

I am not a graceful person. I am not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 2am, I am gunshots muffled by a few city blocks, I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don’t belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn’t happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. You don’t see the lightning, but you hear the echoes.

I also hate people to ask cheerfully how you are when they know you’re feeling like hell and expect you to say “Fine.”

I am both worse and better than you thought.

I think of you a lot. I think of you and me walking along in a parking lot at night. Our shoulders rubbing against each other as we listen to our voices. We’re both damaged and beautiful. We know the order of order and the order of disorder. We’ve both been hunted and nearly destroyed by weaklings with big ideas. We know the night.

Deeply lost in the night.

That was the morning I committed the first sin of love, which was to confuse beauty and a good sound track with knowledge

“My husband and I are trying to have a baby” Harry : “what are u doing here then”

You’re beautiful. You walk wonderfully and if I were here and saw you now for the first time I’d be in love with you. If I saw you for the first time everything would turn over inside of me and I’d ache right through my chest.