moon

hehe long time not visiting this page. the last time i said in here about how finally i met the one and ring the bell of wedding.

it didn't happen.

it ended on January 2023, i don't wanna talk about it but what i know for sure, i don't wanna fall in love in with someone. i'm tired about marriage and deal with a broken heart

i'm not so sure about anything anymore. i got a new job earlier this year at my all time favorite office crush from collage time, BITTE design studio. i lose my life at marriage and Allah grand me or tested me when i got this job bcs a lot of different and dramatic events in my life happen.

So many things i wanted to tell or shared it :)) it’s been a long long time didn’t post anything new here. Weeelllllll, I finally meet my soon-to-be husband. It started last year in April the end i guess, not so long after my last conversation with P xixixi. His name is Hendri, he's an architect, yess we might be a great couple!! I’m an interior designer soon to be married to an architect (every interior designer dream)

We share some mutual things about design and architecture, i quite tell that we’re on the same page about this, etc. that thing i really like about him.

Soon to be married, i worried much about my marriage. It constantly came into my mind. What if i don’t really like him, what if a lot of his act or habits doesn’t fit me and both ways. What if he doesn’t like me, what if we put our high expectations towards each other. So so many uncountable doubt questions. It’s completely normal to feel or doubt yourself, especially when you take a big step in your life. this is for one time only. You don’t wanna mess up again. Especially after i failed about my last relationship.

I keep praying to god about him, if we were meant to be each other so please bring us closer and show me a sign. how powerful is a dua, whenever i doubted myself go make some dua and asked Allah about it, the next after the answers come, Masya Allah. I’m thankful for what happened to me is the decree of Allah. I believe so, bcs i’m a believer

For the record, we agreed not to label ourselves as a girlfriend or boyfriend. We make things go with the flow. Yeahhhh the truth is I barely didn’t ask him anything bout our status, bcs i’m too scared to feel rejected, unwanted, unloved again. So i like the way how we were. It is after he constantly tells me about marriage like; where i wanna be live after married? Actually, there’s one time when we met then he said “i think i wanna married soon as possible” when I heard it, i spit a slice of chicken meat out of my mouth LOL. it’s obvious what he really means; with all of those random things, he said that leave crumbs to me. But what comes first to my mind is why he doesn’t ask me directly to the points? Why leave me all the crumbs? What now? Is it me to ask him first? Like what are we? What do you mean by saying that? It’s just not my thing. i’m not the type of girl to do those things to guys. My ego is bigger than anything hehe

So my friend keep telling me to make all things clear up between me and him, i must ask him first what he meant by saying all those things? What does he want about our status? and I remember this one, he said this to me over the chat “ya, we can visit andiska in Bali” and i was like *waitttt thissssss can’t be realll!???!!!! i know some of u think that we might go on vacation together as a friend, but believe me, he won’t do that to me as a friend. He meant like after we’re married. Trust me. And i’m a bit shocked and happy* after that, there’s coming the huge waves of our serious relationship to begin. Yuppp i never asked him first, shout out to my ego to defend myself, and by mean is hurting both ways.

With a lil help from our friend, indah. we can start the progress by progress. Omg, what i feel about it? it pretty sure, how matter the relationship is for me, especially after a guy states his mind to be together to the next level in terms of relationship, i mean marriage. it’s started in November 2021 when he tell me “let’s make it official” but we need to really know each other first like really really know. so we agreed to exchange our self-information from a to z. We make a schedule to meet once in 2 weeks. for the record, i don’t really mind. Then it stop on December 13th when we should ask our blessings to our parents before we go far to the next step. My last text with him:

“i will ask my mom and dad soon, yesterday they’re not home”

“Okaayy, just take ur time” as i said

So it’s probably just taken him like a week to bring the news to me, that’s what i thought. oh hell no. It’s like almost 2 months and he doesn’t text me anything. to be exact it’s a month 2 weeks and 4 days. what on earth is going on with him? In the first month after the last text, i really didn’t care that much. but after a month and a week, what came first to my mind is what if I didn’t get the blessing from his parents or what if he hasn’t asked yet. Maybe it bcs he’s too afraid, his dad had some issues with Sumatera’s people. there’s at one time he mention it and he’s sorry about his dad being racist, as i said “well i can’t help it then if your father didn’t like me for who i am. and just don’t push your father to give his blessing” because i'm the pure blood of Sumatera’s when he sees me saying that, his teary eyes come. one thing i’m sure of is he wants to be with me and he has a soft spot over me.

what?? i was born this way, i am really sorry to not fit your dad's expectations. it’ll be too sad and heartbroken if our marriage can’t happen.

at this point, I really want to ask him so badly. But some other minds keep telling me to hold on, just let him be. There was a constant battle in my mind at that time. i also feel afraid that his father might don’t give us a blessing.

on February 1st i can't help it, so i make a call to my mom and ask her for some advice. she said to me to don’t mind and be patient. it’s a big decision for him too, and don’t rush anything. just let him make the move. before i called her, i do a prayer to Allah, tell him all about the doubt in my mind, and ask him to give me a sign. right after i called my mom, i got this quote from tiktok that said

“Allah is not in a hurry, you are. That’s why you are tired, anxious, stressed, and disappointed. Trust what was meant to be yours, will be yours. do not rush yourself” 

last night my anxiety hit me again. at some point i believe that completely heal from all my mental health's problem. and it’s getting worse than before. i can’t breath and my mind not in the right place, preconscious mind. the unwanted  and losing someone just make me hard to breath and stay on a clear mind. 

i have a feeling for him, i can’t stand the idea of him looking for the other "one”. which i think, i am the only person close to him. i couldn’t even tell him the feeling is mutual, i miss the turn. i barely know this guy but i’m so sure about what i feel. 

it was a happy time spending time and i want it to do it for the rest of my life with you

i told this unstated mind to my close friend, why it makes me feel so sick and hardly breath. why it still keep coming and just can’t let go. i need temporarily disappear, quitting my job, and just go back to Bali. it’s complicated.

Well, i’m not an expert or good for the opening letter, blog etc. the point is i’m gonna tell you how’s the connection start. FYI, this is gonna take a long time to read. Okay begin!

I matched with him on my second or 5th day by of course playing with the online dating app. I didn’t expect that would happened, so i give it a waved to him by saying hi first but that’s how the app works. The female should make the first move in 24 hours or they’re both gonna lose the chance to be connected. in other words the both sided will be expired and gone. you can’t see each other again. Bye to my almost future lovers hahha i’m trying to make it fun. That’s for the free user like me hahaha this explicit information to leaves no room for questions.

Okay where was i, oh i see... yeah I started by making the first move and put in to my expectation that he wouldn’t say back. Like i said before, he knows how “good looking i’m” person. just to be clear, i made the first move to 3 or 4 people at once that time. Not only just him. So the other guys approaching me quick and in return the conversation is ended up soon. It’s almost a day, (oh yess for more detail information, if the guy didn’t reply to your message in 24 hours both of you be automatically expired or unmatched and can’t see the person in any algorithm to be match again)

That day, i can’t tell the exact time. But in my memories it’s already 18 or 20 hours gone and he still didn’t reply to my message yet. then in the fine afternoon, the notification pop up with his name first so in a rushed i opened it with excitement then

“Hi, how you’re doing?”

Me “i’m working now the deadline is coming, what about you?”

“Where do you work? So do i”

Me “my office base in Jkt but i’m working from home now. I’m negotiating to remote my work. Where do you work?

“Oh really? What kind of division? I’m working at keep keep as a financial accounting”

Me “is it possible to preorder a vinyl there? I’m as an interior designer there”

“It can be”

Me “interesting”

“What kind of album that you’re looking for?”

Me “say sue me semin or belle and sebastian if you’re feeling sinister”

“the album is still available, the belle and sebastian. How long you should take work from home?”

Me “until the pandemic is over hahaha”

“Oo, do you have an instagram?”

Me “i have”

“What the id? Anyway your pictures is nice” (this is the part makes me feel on cloud nine. is it for real? I’m a lil bit flattered back then)

Me “weee thanks, *my id” (i thought after i gave him my id, he’s gonna follow me on instagram and then gone. The truth is not. Still wondering about it)

“Do you like hiking? Do you know the best spot hiking in bandung?”

Me “that’s my thing! In bandung, tahura is the only place i know. Do you like hiking too?”

“Only cycling”

Me “oh really? How far you were going?”

“Batu jajar haha, where you’re graduated?”

Me “itenas hehe, and you?”

“Unpar, 2011 right?”

Me “yesss”

This is where the conversation dried, he didn’t text me back. It drives me crazy, and i had the catastrophic thinking about it. Like “why i said something like that? Why i only said yes instead asking him something? He left me 2 days to be wondering

“Sorry, i’m busy lately. I can’t stand the vaccine by the way” (the first thing come to my mind is, this guy is really talk with me? Or he get the wrong address by sending this to me. Maybe it’s for the other girl)

Me “oh really? How come? My friend told me yesterday, his bones are heartburn. Do you feel the same way?”

“12 days ago, my body getting bump”

Me “like a rash?”

“Something like that. I don’t want to talk about it. Where usually you go to get coffee?” (See, he makes me think he’s a lil bit into me. Now i know that he’s just being nice)

Me “get well soon p! Still a second batch to be vaccinate soon. Hmm i’m not into coffee person but i like to go to antico. How about you?”

“Well, thank you ci!! Around 12-14th will be vaccinate. Oh that’s really nice, sometimes we can grab a coffee there, if the place is less people” (hhh what a memory)

Me “how fast you get the second vaccine around 12-14th, I thought you must wait till 3 months later. How lucky you are getting the vaccine. Actually that’s why i always go there, because the place is quite. Let’s gooow. Keep me an update when you get better” (i wish I didn’t say the last part)

“Not really, it’s 28 days after the first batch. Okay cici” (maybe when he said my name like that, he thinks “why this girl in a rush and full with the excitement? Maybe i shouldn’t saying like that,” he’s instant regret over me, just my assumption)

Me “how fast. P, do yo listen to khruangbin?”

“Don’t ask. There is another, yin yin”

Me “have you heard their new album?”

“I have, but for me the best album is still “the smiles upon time” really great😢” (he said more about stuff he’s into it, like waw it amazed me hahah)

Me “all time favorite album for everyone, but the con todo el mundo is good too. I listened to yin yin, “the rabbits that hunts tiger is great. P, you also like kikagaku moyo too?”

“One inch punch👍. I went to their concert in jakarta, Alhamdulillah it was fun and they all nice”

Me “green with envy hahaha, you talked with them? Wk curious”

“Yessss, they’re almost go to bandung. They are kind of a hippie person”

Me “wah, for real? Cool haha, yeah but they’re cool”

“Iyez”

Me “do you watch how i met your mother?” (At the time, i don’t want the conversation ended soon and asked him this)

“What do you watch ci? well no, i’m a bit selective with some series’s hahaha” (for the first time he laugh this long, drop it ci)

Me “last time i watched seaspiracy, not the series actually haha. oo i watched anime hahaha attack on titan”

“Netflix right? Documentary. How about healing?”

Me “yess, not yet. Are you done? *I gave him the screenshot of my netflix home page* no healing”

“Sorry, HEAL. It’s good for self improvement”

Me “i just found it, the “guide to meditation” *i thought it’s another title for healing* it’s on my list but I haven’t seen it yet. Wait, is that correct?”

“Heal, right?” (At that time I thought he get annoyed by me)

Me “yes heal, sorry for confusing you haha” (this text sent at 18.20pm and I thought he would ended the convo with me bcs i’m a lunatic)

The next day, i got the notification from him like this

“Yup. Ci this is my number XXX-XXX” (on top of the world!)

Then we move to whatsapp. Not gonna tell you about the whatsapp conversation, it still remains my secret haha. This whole conversation above is for 2 weeks long. Don’t tell me, i know it’s a slow progress but that’s what makes me think he know how to play along. I think i’m not the only person contacting with him. That’s the one thing i’m sure of. He succeeded make me feel curious about him and he’s cool than any other guy i met there. I was feeling like a dog with two tails

I didn’t put any expectations on this guy at first, i really am. but i admit it that i have a crush on him after a while. Who wouldn’t anyway?? Look, he lives here, graduated from one of the great private universities in bandung (#spoiler it’s in ciumbeluit), and his friends, omg! i can’t compare it to mine but here are the facts that i know, most of his friends are cool kids and they’re all well-defined (see what i mean, young folks said here “skena bandung”) then his taste in music, no words at all. I mean he is on the other level compared to common people around his age. I know i’m seeing him from the character that he created, but i’m not gonna lie that it makes me really want to get closer with him.

Talk about music, as i talked and digging through him then compare it to mine lol he likes khruangbin, kikagaku moyo too! See, not like any other guy. The saddest thing is most of people would say like. that when they met their crush. Yeah, he likes instrumental music and recommends me to hear yin yin. that was the best part back then. it makes me think “that’s 1 point plus for him, so put into the positive side”. as we talked about music, i feel up in the air. because he welcoming me and we keep in touch daily but with no intensity.

He works in a local indie music store, KEEP KEEP as accountant advice, something like that. I didn’t ask him more. This guy is really into music, i can tell

Okay next, the way he talks. Not talk like a talk in a person i mean, the way he write the sentences through the chat. It’s like my thing. I think u won’t get it, he put a question mark at the end of a sentence like this “…is true?” Yeah this one, because i also do that since 2011 (laugh, i know it doesn’t matter but please it’s my way to judgments the other person) and he is cool or just ignorant or just being nice but in a cool way by it means, i’m not interested in you? But i like a guy when he makes me feel curious and be treated that way. Idk…just please okay

Before all that (when I and P are matched and had talked while), I’m telling all of this to my friend. she said this guy has a mutual with her. And she confirmed to me later (yess, one of the cool kids in bandung is her best friends. Which turn out to be his friend too. In fact she’s one of them i mean my friend) then you know what happens next, i do what i had to do. yessss spying on him through the internet on social media hahahh it’s not creepy at all just to collect some information. I think that’s normal nowadays. From his social media that i know he’s in the band and plays the drum. i’m melting here. oh yes, just so you know he also good-looking with medium hair. Whyyyyy? oh gosh…

Oh yeah, he likes cycling. No doubt. How do i describe this? His stereotype, errr just imagine it. I put the reference picture below. His skin is a bit darker i think, and his eyes are big. My friend said he’s shorter but i don’t mind, my ex is short. Oh, I almost forgot he has some light beard and mustache. The guy in the picture, just a reference for how does his hair look alike

You see it now, why is the reason i like him a lot or say that i had a crush on him? Let’s concluded it all, it’s because of his taste. Yeah his music taste, his hobbies, his looks, the way he chats. Just the characters, i emphasized it’s the fraction of his personality, or maybe bcs I haven’t had one like him before. I know it’s a one-sided person who likes him more hhhhhh but that’s about 2 weeks ago. by the end of march we haven’t contacted each other. As i write it now, no hard feelings at all. this is just a story to be told, remembering him as part of my life and journey (he does not die yet)

In the next chapter, i’m gonna tell you all how we’re get connected errr awkward

6th May 2021 x Bandung