Here she walks

Find me on Twitter: oh_isabel or Instagram: ouisabel

damn everyone I know on here has deactivated. I haven’t been on in years! Idk hello to future Isabel that comes back to look at this

So now I get SO nervous bringing things up to my current boyfriend, but he encourages me to say something every time and then we talk about it and he asks questions as to why I’m upset only so that he can better understand and then he actually follows through and changes his behavior????? It feels so good to have my emotions validated????? And then he always finishes our talks with “Why would you think I’d leave you for saying how you feel?” AND IF I COULD TELL YOU THE FEELING I GET WHEN HE SAYS THAT!!! LIKE I CAN FINALLY EXPRESS MYSELF WITHOUT BEING PUNISHED. Ugh I love him so much.

I’m struggling to write about him. I bring my fingertips to the keyboard and beg for something poetic to run through my head and bleed beautiful words through. I have a million words to describe him, yet I cannot form them into a simple sonnet. I stop and take a breath, maybe if I walk away the words will come to me. They never do. So I go back to all the things I’ve written before, how they would flow so effortlessly that I’d have to pull away just to stop from spilling too much and as I read them over I remember why I started writing in the first place. Sadness. Sadness that filled every vein and writing was the only escape for my soul to breathe. And just like that, it’s all clear because all I feel with him is joy. A happiness that protects me from every shadow the world could posses. I’ve never experienced a love with no worries or wants so I sacrifice my writing, but a sacrifice that comes with no sorrows.   

I’ve fallen in love with the boy I wasn’t meant to find. Perhaps curiosity led me to a great adventure. For he is the human embodiment of the sun and in his light I grow. I have found all that was lost, even my own soul and in his sacrifices for my happiness he revealed his. What pure bliss it is to wake and be certain that he is mine and I am his just as the sun rises and sets. He is patient when I falter and in times when the only thoughts that flood my mind are of the utmost foolishness, he plays along so I never feel less than. The truth overflows from his lips, sometimes a little too often but never to insult. How is it that someone can fit in the spaces I am missing, but mirror me exactly all at once? I’ll never know what brought us to the tower of a million stars, but I thank every single one of them for leading me to you.

But damn...... I really like this boy. I haven’t been this smitten in so long. LIKE HOW DO YOU MISS SOMEONE WHEN YOU SAW THEM LESS THAN 24 HOURS AGO?!

I know this day so clearly like the back of my hand. No matter how hard I try to forget, the ticking of the clock reminds me. For this time a year ago I was left in tears while the world around me celebrated. I begged on my knees for an answer, but got silence instead. The temples in my head digging deep into the crevices of my mind as if even my body was craving to know more. Yet you could not give me the slightest relief. Months passed and still I laid in the tear soaked sheets that had been ripped to pieces because I thought I could find the answers in the threads that held them together. Now I’m here, one year later and I have found the answer I seek. Your fear was your enemy, not mine. And I am happy. So very happy.

This day exactly twenty five years ago I was meant to die. This day exactly four years ago I was meant to die. I’ve spent most of my life waiting for my final sleep and when anyone asked why I had no future in mind it was that exactly. I took every moment as it came. Every ounce of happiness was filled with so much bliss and I didn’t care that it would end because everything would end soon. Now I’ve found with every year that passes, I am granted another year with the ones I love and moments that I’ll stay up thinking about when I can no longer move. There’s been bad times, very bad times, but what a life it’s been to feel as if every single moment of happiness was such a blessing.

I am tired. I am weary. I have raised my white flag.

Awwww hey this is nice, thank you!! Wish you didn’t do it on anon though! I NEED PALS IN MY LIFE

Now the year comes to a close and I am so incredibly happy. I can only hope that 2019 grants me as much beauty and happiness this year has brought me. I am not lost, only longing.