ser·en·dip·i·ty (n):

before i continue, i want to clarify that i have self-diagnosed myself. my claims shall be confirmed with both my primary and psychiatrist this coming week. my symptoms include the following: tightness in chest, constant feeling of choking, dizziness/lightheaded, random waves of vertigo, hot flashes, loss of appetite, moodiness (mostly crying), and continual monitoring of my body to ensure that i am still alive. 

what people dont realize is that this has been a daily struggle. going to school and sitting in 8 hours worth of lecture takes a toll on me. i take too many naps, and later feel guilty about not studying. i cant sit for more than 30 min at home or the library. when i read a passage over, and over again, i have not been able to retain information. moments where i should naturally feel anxious, like taking a quiz today, or practicing OMM with my professor, takes mental preparation and a lot of deep breathing. and most importantly, socially, i feel distant from my new peers. several people have caught me zoning out (again, controlling the breathing). i cant emotionally destress by going out, partially because of guilt because i havent study, and partially because of my last episode.

i have been vocal about my feelings, finally admitting to my roommates and parents that i can’t control my body anymore. i have tried to change the way i think, including embracing any bodily sensations to prevent the fear, which feeds these attacks. i have improved my diet because of my loss of appetite. aka, i force myself to take my vitamins, eat 3 meals a day with snacks, and continuously drink water. i have prayed and meditated every night. i have been working on changing my attitude about medical school, reminding myself of my abilities, and that i have earned my way into medical school, and that the drop out rate is 0%.

mentally, i have gotten over my fears. i have jumped over the hurdles of leaving lebanon alone, combating gastritis, moving myself into my house (that didnt have electricity or water first 2 nights), taking care of my financial status, bargaining for a car. i have the mental confidence that i am capable of doing well in med school, especially after surviving a week of organizing my life, and getting into my new routine. but physically im falling apart, and i dont know how to fix it.