B O O M T O W N

honestly this is such a big relief cuz before i stopped coming on here completely i had seen some posts about liam that seemed v serious but i didn’t look into it or see the whole thing i just know it was about his gf or something? and i saw someone annoyed with harry but i kinda figured he was just up to his usual fuckery tbh it was liam i was a little more worried about.

i’m honestly just glad they said something about the anniversary tho i still don’t understand why they all used the oldest pictures ever like they may as well have shown me all their ultrasound pics at least those would be new. but the anniversary actually made me decide that i was right and that harry does run the 1d twitter account cuz both conveniently didn’t tweet about the anniversary last year and then really showed up for this one. they should’ve dropped some unreleased tracks or more of those studio videos with julian or THE OTRA TOUR DVD I DESERVE

oh no it’s not nosy at all it’s resal aka ftstylan who was like my number one 1d blog and was one of the few ppl i agreed with and would call out the boys on their bs but now she’s elounors which totally threw me off cuz she’s always been 1d/narry like hardcore so i saw the blog in my inbox from like two years ago and was like wtf who is this and was like totally surprised so i thought something horrible had happened but i think i saw her reblog something with harry a few days ago so i guess it’s okay? idk for some reason her blog doesn’t show up on my dash as if it’s muted but i don’t have her url muted so idk

this inflated my sad little heart thank you so much. it’s really nice to read this esp since i felt so alone in loving 1d but hating solo 1d like most people so easily went wild over it and supported but i never really did. like i remember when this town came out and everyone was so hyped and i was like.... no thanks and blacklisted it and lost my whole dash so i actually forced myself to like it just so i wouldn’t be left out. it was so much better to just say fuck it tho despite the struggle being so fucking real.

oh buddy my life is never free of 1d. i’ve just... focused it on actual 1d and not the individual boys. like i have all but louis muted on every social media thing i follow them on. i was actually gonna pop in on the 23rd and celebrate and all that but when it came down to it... i think i got scared?

aside from knowing about albums being released, i haven’t gotten any new info or content or have engaged with the boys since right before harry started gearing up to promote his second album. like i literally don’t even know album or single titles. the second his rolling stone stuff came up i got to a really bad place in terms of always being mad and disgusted and annoyed and it wasn’t good for me so i had to step away. it was so tiring to feel that all the time and it was really affecting me so i decided to take control of it and get rid of everything that wasn’t making me happy. then i got a job and life kept going but like i think about 1d literally everyday i’m still ride or die.

but during that time i would see glimpses of things that would like ambush me, like a recommended vid on youtube or a headline in my student’s inbox at school from iheart radio cuz they listen while they work and don’t understand how to unsubscribe, and some of the stuff would make me feel those ugly feelings again so i would go away even further if that’s possible. and since i’ve missed so much, since it’s been like a year since i’ve known anything, i’m genuinely scared to come back in and see how things are.

i didn’t wanna get on my dash and get bombarded with the stuff i didn’t wanna see, to learn something that would make me mad or disappointed or something like that. i honestly didn’t know if anyone i’m still following would even post 1d stuff or if they were full on solo blogs or had dropped off too. i really wanted to spread the memories and celebration posts, but i didn’t want to find out if something happened with one of them that would make me not like them anymore because having to unlove any of them, no matter how mad i’ve been in the past, isn’t something i think i can handle.

so i’m scared to know things and maybe even more afraid to not know and lull myself into being happy with a past version of them that doesn’t exist anymore if that makes sense. i’ve spotted a pretty big change in like the number one blog i follow for 1d and while i’m curious as hell, i’m afraid to find out what brought about that change whether it’s serious or just a temporary thing

so basically i still miss 1d with all my heart and soul and my chest aches about it and you def didn’t ask for this essay but here it is. i might finally bring myself to look for some anniversary posts to reblog and might take the chance to tailor my tumblr experience again but i’m still... nervous. and i might regret this but like... how are we feeling about the boys these days? maybe nothing too specific cuz i don’t need my heart to fall out of my ass if it’s something i don’t like cuz this shit gets me way more than it should(which is part of the reason why i left), but if i’ve gotta shift some things, maybe i should get started.

oh my god i’m so so sorry i feel SO BAD about not seeing this. i was literally just adding a tag to an old post and just happened to see i had notifications and i’ve spent the past minute staring at the date of this message feeling TERRIBLE. i actually scroll through my blog every so often and fix tags but the formatting option i have for tumblr condenses the top bar so the post always covers everything so i had no idea i had anything

i genuinely had like no qualms about ducking out cuz i honestly thought no one cared or would notice like i don’t have friends on here, other blogs do way more, and i was being hella negative and didn’t wanna engage with further solo stuff  so i figured nothing would change if i disappeared. this is so nice tho thank you. it’s been... weird over here but i’m doing a lot better than i was. i honestly miss being on here sometimes but it’s so much easier to block things out by getting rid of everything but i miss the fun stuff.