BE GREAT

Where are we now?

Hello. Dude, I just watched "Didi" today. WHAT A TRIP. Sean Wang reached into the depths of my 2008 childhood and pulled out a MapleStory icon on a Windows XP screen. Almost 20 years ago. How time has flown. Shoutout to GxBushido and my first online girlfriend, Erika (confession: I was 12 when I told you I was 16 and preparing to go to the Air Force... I'm sorry).

I am... doing okay. I tell people that I'm fine, which I feel most of the time. I was in the car with Kris telling him my coming of age woes. Flashbacks to a version of me that I deeply dislike, but am actively trying to forgive. It is difficult. I seethe and wince at the same time when when these thoughts pop up out of nowhere. But he emphasized that I'm not the same person, and he's right. I'm not him anymore. Scott said kind of the same thing before we rode a tangent to plate tectonics.

This past year, I...

performed my first postmortem care, became certified in BMT, hit pads at PK Saenchai, fulfilled my hand-to-hand combat endorsements on LinkedIn, ate great food with my raunchy group of vergas, reconnected with elementary MS friends, saw a Therapist again, planted my roots in this field with good people.

I'm sure much more has happened, but these are what have stood out. At the helm of my sanity is lil' bug, who has, with unwavering fealty, tolerated an insurmountable amount of my BS. If there's anyone that could use a break, it's her. That lady is my backbone AND the logistical vertebrae that helps me stay presentable in public.

cool guy being cool

i am at a place where i feel like i've grown in places i'm proud of and grown in areas i'd rather not include here. i feel like i'm more of an adult, whatever that entails. more responsibility. big boy job. big bills. i'm not as lost as i used to be. i think that's what the charm of being young was: the world was just opening up and you were grabbing at the teat of any new opportunity with the grip of alex honnold.

one thing i haven't liked about myself especially is my distractability. like, i used to be on reddit for 3 hours a day. but now..... i'm on youtube AND reddit for 3-5 hours a day on my off days. i feel so lazy!!! i was on a really good running binge for a while. i stopped after a seattle trip and my fatass hasn't gotten back on it. i'm thinking of going back to the gym cause these guns are water. i'll stay on that for a month or two, and then boom back to running just in time for the 12k.

to address the elephant in the room...

i've been getting rid of social media kinda so i could stop getting so caught up in other people's biz. i felt like it wasn't healthy. i'm not seeing half these people ever again so why bother lool. i do miss certain folks but i see the beauty of life in my local caltrain.

i don't know why i'm talking like i don't give a fuck. i do really care. about a lot. i'm just impulsive and do whatever i want for the most part. i wanted ramen nagi today and i got the shit out of it. pork chashu, pan fried pork gyoza, karaage, ramen, fucking fight me asshole that's all me. two dudes on either side of me were eyeing like i couldn't finish it! i need to stop overeating but it feels so good to stuff my face like that mom and dad from spirited away when they turned to pigs.

i think life is good. when i look at the autumn leaves, i smile. i look back on my posts from this platform and....

i don't cringe at myself. i see a boy trying to figure out his feelings. i was so emotional and that was okay. i wasn't happy with where i was and where i was going. i was stuck working in kitchens (love/hate relationship) because my clinical jobs couldn't pay shit. and i didn't even like my clinicals cause professor dickhead of the athletic training program during one of my rotations made me feel worthless. he was aight i guess. but i didn't fit in to that shit. felt like a bunch of jocks. funny jocks, but not really my form i guess. but that, in combination with conflicting love interests made my early 20's such a roller coaster of just feeling awful about myself. constantly writing that i'm scum and i don't deserve shit. in a way, it was true. i did scummy things and i STILL do scummy things now! but at least now i have a little bit more self love. self respect? nah. self love? yes. i don't know if that even makes sense. but i've come a long way man. i'm happy with how far i've come. i'm happy to be working with sick patients and being part of their day. i'm happy to be doing something that feels profound. seeing people at their worst... maybe best, given their coping mechanisms.. it feels like i'm doing something that actually matters, and not trying to make an otherwise completely healthy dude or dudette feel healthier.

okay goals for the next couple of months:

i am lucky, even now.

given how much risk i let loose, i am still here. with greater expenditures. but still lucky. so many times where i could have ended or ended another, and yet i’m still here. unscathed. faced with two polite and kind individuals who have suffered from my mistakes. i want this to humble me, not embolden. learn, not give myself an excuse to continue shite traits.

quick and easy pleasures abound. a rush of dopamine.

but no more, i hope. i yearn for simplicity. a clear mind. good sleep. good shifts. i don’t need moments of clarity born out of guilt for being under.

One of my fondest memories. Lived free. Met wonderful people. Explored to my heart’s content. It has become something I use as a staple for a life I would want. Some exceptions of course, but for the most part that sentiment remains. Lately... I feel happy. I am content. I am doing a much better job of taking care of myself. Starting a new chapter in my life after letting go of the last. I am scared as shit and I wonder how this transition will go about, but day by day I try to find time to enjoy the small pleasures that gives this place its charm. It’s mainly the weather :).  I’m trying my best to be a good person despite my setbacks. At least I’m aware of what I need to do? Heh. Looking back at my old posts often remind me of how far the journey has been. I feel like I clawed out of something heavy. Now the things I choose to be annoyed about are not so bad. Stupid growing keloid. Nonetheless I smile and I wake up early to tea. Procrastinate a bit on Reddit. Look to my left and see this troll-doll ass haircut from Djon (it’s actually pretty good!). Prepare my day and hope everyone is doing okay.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and you weep alone.

A week without work has been interesting, rough, depressing, anxiety-ridden, inspiring, motivational yet curtailing (?). This year, Conan has been somewhat of a rock for me. Watching his insanely intelligent humor coupled with a layer of self-deprecation and depression underneath. I feel that heavy. Leaving a toxic environment, feeling a lil’ empty with no direction but a burden is off. Taking a huge pay cut. Growing a beard. There are some parallels in how this is all playing out. But I’m hoping this, whatever this thing is, blossoms in the same way that he blossomed on TBS and YouTube. He’s killing it. A repeating line from Conan is, “Work hard. Be kind. And good things will happen to you”. And that’s really one of the only things that keep me going. I don’t care much about money, although it would be nice. I am just scared, mostly. But bravery is following through even if you are scared. I grew a lot these past years, and I know I’ll continue to. I look back and notice I am in a better place. Sometimes I misstep and do some dumb shit, but overall there’s an upward trend. Let’s keep doing things that future me will be proud of. 

Looking through the oldest of the old pics/videos from way back. So much has changed. So many memories, mainly from high school. It’s crazy. Such simple times. I miss a lot of people, still. I don’t know if I’ll ever not miss them. I hope everyone’s doing well. So much love for them. I know I can always re-connect, but maybe I feel tension. Maybe one day. Or maybe not, and new people will come along. It’s just that the feelings are strong. As strong as these feelings of reminiscence are, I am content with who I am now. I am doing better financially. I’m with a nice significant other. I still keep in contact with close friends. I’m heading towards my goal at least, despite it not being fully clear. I’m going through with it and I’ll go from there. I have been feeling like I’ve just escaped from a downward spiral of destructive behavior. It’s such a weird thing looking in from the outside. Like you remember those nights of difficult sleeping because you can’t stand yourself. And then it becomes just that: a memory. Many bad things have happened. Many good as well. I feel redundant, but it’s been a while. 

Seeing YB again and talking to staff was nice. A lot has changed there too, with the new student union - which Ms Lo. and Mr. Huynh have asked me to make a video for. I’ll do my best with what footage I have, I guess.  Been working reaaallly long hours. 12-15 hour work days almost every day. Jason and Adam have been working those hours every single day for almost a month now. Fat paychecks at the expense of health. I haven’t been that great either. No exercising, sugar/fatty diet, less sleep. Now that I’m listing this out, it’s far less appealing than I thought. I gotta change these habits ASAP STARTING TOMORROW! Maybe.

am i getting old? going out isn’t really fun to me anymore. feeling more tired. sick of seeing people on their phones. even my own parents who stay plugged in and don’t say a word. feels lonely man. been reading books and going to the gym/exercising 3-5 times a week and watching what i eat and trying to stay active in learning whenever i can. but damn there are still those times of straight up loneliness. like everyone got their own thing going on with their own group and i feel like all i’ve got is my current S/O who can’t reply throughout the day and my coworkers who i’m sick of (in a good way). no one really down to hangout i guess. maybe it’s my fault too because i don’t go out of my way to reach out that often - but when i do, it’s usually a “meh” or “im busy” or a “read”. this used to affect me more. i don’t know if it’s a good thing that it’s getting a bit easier to deal with. i miss having a strong core group of friends and i long for that like old times. i see people with their active group chats and i actually feel pretty sad l o l. damn. i know i have people who actually care for me. who still hit me up. but it’s not rly ever for the sake of hanging out. it’s usually to go out and drink or rave or do something and then snapchat/instagram it and then share it with your other friends.  it’s funny how your two jobs that involve heavy human interaction still leaves you feeling like an exiled traitor or something. Go Fish relies heavily on teamwork. Advance PT relies on patient care. yet i go to the gym, come back home to a house full of emptiness. this got real sad real quick haha but anyway. i feel like i made a bunch of fuck ups and this is what i get? i’ve been trying to be more forgiving of myself but my current mindset is “ya dun goofed - so swallow it like Jayden James”. ----

i want to wish people the best, but i find myself more envious than happy for someone else. like seeing people my age succeed to quickly and i’m like fuck me i’m still working at a restaurant that pays more than my clinical job. i’m still following a path i’m not even 100%. it’s the same issue of not really having a passion. well i guess i have an idea of it: i want to help people. it’s so basic but it’s the root of it. i love being the dude who’s like “yo i got it from here, i gotchu” because people have done that for me and it feels wonderful. whether that translates into my path of physical therapy or another healthcare career is a different story.

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back to the everyone being on their phone shit. dude that’s been pissing me off. well i guess not pissing me off but seriously. like i see how people scroll through shit, swipe a bit , double tap, scroll more. mindlessly. endless information. i tried reinstalling everything with the hope that i would just use it to keep up with how people are doing and shit but it does kinda get too much. like you see everyone’s highlights while you work and you keep looking your phone for notifications or you pick it up whenever you feel bored. i have to actively think about focusing on what’s in front of me rather than reaching for my phone for shit. books have helped though. i kinda get excited sometimes knowing i get to go home to a nice book. i dunno if it’s just me tho. maybe it is. just feels so superficial, all of it. maybe it isn’t and i’m just being pissy. i mean the internet and social media has been a part of my life too for the longest part. just don’t know why it’s becoming an issue now. 

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i’m running out of pictures to post. haha.

hello, i don’t know what to write really. but here we go? i’m thankful for what i have. i’ve never really looked back at my old posts until today. it’s all kinda cringey. even my last entry, i sound like an ass. maybe i am an ass. i’ve done some horrible stuff in my life, and the past couple years have not been terribly nice emotionally. i feel like the old me would be like “that’s what you get”. maybe i still feel that way a bit, but i want to say i need to give myself a break. i need to forgive myself for shit that has already happened, and not put myself in positions that would compromise the values i hold currently. i look back at it and i feel ashamed still though. maybe that’s why i don’t look at old posts. reliving the feeling of developing something for someone when i was still with someone else. repressing these emotions. acting impulsively. but i should face these feelings to deal with them better, according to professor del chiaro. exposure therapy?

i’m with someone new. i’m generally pretty happy. i wish to connect with her more on an intellectual level. but she tries so hard man. in school, in herself, in me. and maybe that’s enough for me right now. maybe this connection grows as we grow. sometimes it’s not an ideal, instantaneous click. it’s a slow, painful grind to figure out both of our needs, and i have to chill with thinking about how things affect ME, and think more about how it affects US. listened to a podcast about marriage, and there was a segment about how married couples usually liven up when asked how they met. that’s probably something she and i won’t be able to share. unless we collectively accept the circumstances and grow from it. i dunno.

Dear Diary,

Jimmy looked at me today, teehee. jkjk HALLO :]

- kilt dis interviewwwwwwww. one of the things i really like about these guys is that they let me have a sense of autonomy in the interview. they actually asked about me instead of blabbering about what they do; everyone knows what PTs do. spare me the lecture. i don’t want to put these peeps on a pedestal, but i enjoy their humor, their comfort, and their effort in being genuine. i’m happy i was able to get through all the points i wanted to make clear.

- going off of that ^ point, this is one of the first interviews i’ve had where i wasn’t crazy nervous. i kinda went into it with an IDGAF attitude. i almost didn’t even go haha. but glad i did. it was nice meeting with individuals who understood that this is a stage in life where many paths can be taken. where PT isn’t the holy grail of careers. they’re open minded af too when i asked about chiropractors lolll. worded their response very carefully it seems - as did i. glad i got some laughs out hehe. I’M FUNNY. right?

- man i just wanna be herd and you’re not really giving me that. kinda sucks how it just feels like i’m a burden. makes me feel like i can’t really open up to you anymore. a few minutes throughout the day to say hi or tell me what happened or something since we don’t really hang out anymore. i fit you in my schedule, why can’t that be reciprocated. i know what this is. it’s a gooooood fattttttt dose of k-k-k-k-karmaaaa. i mean i’ve been on the receiving end before, but this is low-key ridic. or maybe i’m being too much. idk. idc cause this is who i am and i like being engaged. but then again at what cost? does working on yourself really consist of not talking to me? cause that makes me feel like i’m a problem. maybe i am. idk. thots. i need a puppy.

- reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. granted it’s edgy, feels like he’s trying a lil hard to be...... .edgy haha. fuck this fuck that. but i do agree with some of his points. it’s all stuff i’ve kinda believed in, but reinforcing it is nice. it does make me feel like i’m just pandering to myself, but fuck it lemme live! it does help to remind myself to stop caring so much about the petty shit. it seems obvious on paper but emotions have a way with me man. i no longer idealized the thought of some stoic asshole who stays calm under pressure. cause that’s not who i am. i’m a reactive, emotional, animated asshole who shakes when i pour shit out of a test tube LOL. i’m an emotional mess sometimes, but at least i’m organized. relatively. and at least when i accept that, i can stabilize.

- i have to take time to recognize the importance of taking care of myself. internally and externally. well, mainly externally as i usually keep my room clean as tits. and i keep my work and school organized. and i brush my teeth and take showers and wash my hands often and try new clothes/hair and clean shit that never really gets cleaned - like a tea kettle handle. i feel more stable, and in control when i... control for variables that would otherwise make me feel like a BABOYYYYY. i feel structured. and kinda smaht HAHA. classmates think i’m actually pretty smahttt. almost forgot what the felt like man. i mean i bust my ass for grades, but it’s nice that it shows.

it’s nice that i feel okay again. i’m solidifying my personality. i know i still have much more to go. more mistakes to make. more lessons to learn. more dudes to fuck. wait what? i’m not gay i’m kidding. it’s a joke. i make gay jokes. i’m not closeted. i just like the shock of the humor. NOT GAY. the most i’ve done is kiss a guy. well, 5 of them. BUT NOT GAYY. hahaha. just comfortable with sexuality?

okay tmi bye. nice catching up mr. tumblr and whoever still reads this.

so much has changed

from one year ago. seems like it was just yesterday but i look back and it’s been a year.

I had another episode again. not nearly as bad. but it was still terrible. 1 year ago on novemeber 2nd was the first, yesterday was the second. saw shapes again. felt suffocated again. every movement hurt - like i was being stabbed everywhere. kept seeing shapes that evolved into images and more shapes and none of it made sense - i couldn’t get a bearing on reality. everything was delayed. it’s definitely a strand that i’m not doing well with. i saw demons. but not really. more so i just felt them. coming to get me. it was intense. i think about it and i get so scared. my demons are still there. haunting me over things i’ve done. things i don’t know i could ever tell. but i tell myself that it will be okay so long as i just push myself to not make the same mistakes. to not give into temptations. to not let them win. man when did i ever get so... biblical? wit all dis demon talk haha. 

i wonder if i annoy anyone. i’ve been so self conscious about how people perceive me. do my close friends enjoy time with me? is my S/O satisfied with me? am i a nuisance to anyone? do people avoid me? i feel like i’ve been reduced to a brittle ball of sadness and any small gesture or phrase hurts me. i feel so sensitive. it’s whack. i wanna be okay with not being liked. maybe cause i’ve always been told that i’m chill with everyone so i internalize the thought that everyone HAS to like me. eh. more on that later?

i’m going to stop drinking. for now at least. since september.. pounding alcohol. it’s crazy. noticing it affecting my physical and mental well-being. i’ve been eating healthier but it kinda goes to shit when i drink. i noticed a gut forming the other day and i’m like fuck that, and ran 4 miles. well.. ran/walked haha. 

i want to be better.  i feel like i’ve said this before. but actually taking steps towards that. i’m already eating better, and staying hydrated. but in terms of giving more. i have been feeling very selfish. especially with my S/O who does so much for me. i want to be able to show gratitude and love when it’s due. i dunno if i’ve been doing that very well. especially to my friends. guess i just don’t feel like i’ve been connecting well lately. 

anyway, kinda tired. nap and then work on presentation~~ 

itadakimasu!

thinking of how life right now seems like broken pieces of a mirror glued back together. it’s not perfection, and i want to say i’m learning to like that.

waves of joy and depression. feels good being on top of my school.. or so i feel. always other thoughts in the back of my head. sometimes i’m okay with these thoughts when i’m alone. other times i’m not. i want to be a better person. 

i can do it. :] kinda scary when the waves get really low. i feel like no one’s there sometimes. like i’m talking to walls. when no one replies. when i feel out of place all the time. like not really part of anything. i know people try, and i appreciate that a lot. i know the rest is up to me. these things are a two way street. then some days i think, “i got me, i can do this”. 

the darkest thoughts have been thinking about how i wanna go. browsing reddit on /r/WPD doesn’t help. i scroll down and i’m like, “nah. nope. ouch i don’t want that”. reality can be so morbid. what are my last words, last thoughts, last body position, who will be the last person to see me, when is my last backflip?? 

i don’t feel like a good person. ive hurt so many, and i hate seeing that number pile up. just wanna do my thing without being such a negative burden. it sucks feeling like a bother. 

so much has changed, from this day.

why did everything feel natural with you. organic. why have you made such an impact on my life. what have you done to me. you’ve made me a better me. someone aware of my demons. not living an ignorant life anymore. but in a way that’s made me a bit more sad. 

those were the days, my friend. it seemed so simple. but i guess not really at the time. there wasn’t really ever a dull moment. and you didn’t even have to try. i always go through the cycle of “have i made a terrible mistake” >>> “be happy with your choices and have no ragrets”. you came over today unannounced and caught me off guard. i keep imagining how you felt. and i feel sick to my stomach. seeing you with your bright, beautiful chinky smile and laughing at me for answering the door shirtless. and how it turns into sadness and/or a bit of confusion as it realizes that i’m not okay. i say my words and you quickly bounce away. and i feel like shit. and then i hear footsteps again and i open the door to what i see as resentment, coldness, hurt. i just want to make sure you’re okay. i want to be there for you. but i guess i miss being with you too much. i don’t know why i find myself randomly going back through my flickr and seeing all these photos. of you. of Donna. of Lisa. Of how life used to be back then. I miss that. All of that. We had some great times together. I know it’s gonna crush me once i see you with someone else. Even though i’m kind of talking to someone else. I see how well you’re taking everything. how mature you are and how immature i am. i know you’re a good person. i hope everyone sees that. i just imagine myself in the opposite situation and how bitter i would be. ugh. 

i don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future. i don’t know if life will bring us back together. as friends or lovers or simply acquaintances. part of me wants to see what that would be like. but that doesn’t mean i’m going to undermine all the promises i have made now. i just want to be true to my word. and be more honorable. like ned stark. 

hehe.

i can’t wait to be happy again

why do people expect me to figure things out when i haven’t figured myself out? why do i feel these things? is it pride? maybe i need to stop being a dick. just tired. just tired of expectations. tired of people who don’t understand. even my own blood doesn’t get it. they’re probably the furthest from getting it and it’s frustrating. I feel my blood boil when i get home because i know they’ll judge me for just about everything. knowing all they care about is how clean my car/room is or how i’m doing in school. not really ever how i’m doing in life. but then again i don’t reciprocate that. i don’t really ever reciprocate what i’m given and that’s the spoils of Jayden. Ungrateful, selfish bastard is me. always away. just want my own place i guess. it’ll be nice to be away from family. they’re loving but suffocating. caring but not emotionally present. they tell me they’re so proud of me but the way they talk to me says otherwise. always bringing up past shit. or my flaws. i miss being the golden child, if i ever was haha.  i feel like buying a lock or something because ya’ll nosy as shit, and this is why i don’t like telling you things.  .

.

.

i feel broken most of the days. and it’s hard to maintain a persona of positivity when people come at you with a fake “how are you”. but again, i don’t really ask that. or most of the days i just want to keep to myself. maybe i need a therapist. someone that would really listen. i worry too much. about what people say or think or do. maybe it’s a product of my own shady behavior. that “because he/she is doing this, and i’ve done that before, maybe he/she is i’ve done”. pretty sure that’s very unhealthy to think. 

hello

my name is Jayden, and my heart is torn. for months there has been unrest and pain and aching and tears and it all hurts. i don’t know if this is the lowest of lows but it is not a good feeling. maybe i need to feel this to feel good about the highs. maybe. 2 people are there. waiting. waiting for me to choose. i tried to make sure we’re all on the same page - why me?? what is so special, what is so interesting, what keeps you here? i’ve lied and cheated and caused so much heartache, and yet you see the good in me somehow. both of you. knowing me, how do i choose between something that’s been established and worked on... and something new that exhilarates me and has my unending curiosity. i want to see what that’s about. but i also want to be secure. i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to feel like how i was last Christmas. simply in love and bliss and grounded in your clarity and beautiful mind. i want that so badly, but the strings of Lisa are tugging hard. looking into her eyes with the concentration of a surgeon and trying to imagine a world with her- a wedding, adventures, our friends meeting your friends. it’s a little difficult to see that with her.. my friends are used to you. my friends like you, and constantly tell me how much they like you. but i want them to see her too. she’s outgoing when comfortable, friendly, compassionate as hell and so understanding. she’s gorgeous, strong in her love, loyal, and dedicated to her goals - even when she’s still trying to figure out her goals. her mind is interesting in that she knows more than most the dynamics of love and relationships.i get lost in her nutella eyes. it’s hard not to show affection, for us both. but is this just infatuation? we meet with strong physical attraction, but we haven’t really developed a strong emotional connection based on a solid foundation of friendship.. but i know we can if we try. we have had many adventures - events, hikes, small hangouts with friends. we haven’t ever really gotten started on a serious romantic footing because of my situation. i guess i’m just curious to see what that would be like. and that curiosity is heavy. heavy enough to match what you’ve done for me. how you constantly give me clarity in my mind. how you challenge my views by introducing yours. how you bring about a me that i have not seen before. you’ve saved me from a terrible episode and you helped prevent another one shortly thereafter. you have your own place now, and i keep wanting to hangout there and see Riley and chill with Grace and see how much happier you are when you don’t have your parents breathing down your neck. it’s insane how well you can layout my options in front of me because i have such trouble spelling things out for myself. your mind is just incredible, and if i’m able to find a romantic partner with that.. what the hell is holding me back??

is it really just the attraction i have to her?? i hate comparing so much but it’s hard talking to her sometimes because conversations don’t go as deep as i’d like and i feel like it’s just because you’ve experienced more, you’ve done more and you’ve had years to soak in thoughts and organize them while she.. she still has  along road in front of her. she still has things to figure out.. but i want to be there for her whens he does.

for a long time, i measured how much i was over someone by imagining them with someone else. if i could see an SO with someone else kissing, being pleasured, posting pictures on social media, and NOT be phased by it.. i feel like i could be over them. with you.. i want to say i’m okay with it.. with her.. i want to say i’m kind of not. And I guess a lot of it is because you’ve told me and proven to me that you don’t give in to sex so easily. and that’s... that’s something i’ve loved about you. i threw sex around like it was nothing and here you are keeping it something special. not that it isn’t special to me, but i feel like it’s desensitized to me a bit. and she’s been through the same road i have. multiple partners and flings and such. i feel like i’m more bothered by her being with someone else because i know she’ll probably end up doing it with someone else much quicker than you would. and that’s fucking stupid reason. why can’t i be like you when you tell me you just want to see me happy. this whole entire thing is my fault because i wanted to see people be sad over not having me. my ego is so fucking stupid. i tell myself be humble but i throw a fit when you’re attempting to date again? what the fuck, Jayden.  this is a big realization from when i was on the phone with you last night. you told me you don’t care what choice i make, you truly only want to see me be happy with whatever and have no ragrets. you telling me that alone made me want to go with you. but again, the strongs of Lisa pull me into her eyes and her voice and everything that gets me weak. maybe this is a battle between the emotion and the physical. emotionally, i’m with you. because we’ve worked on it. well, not rly because we’ve always been able to talk and share our thoughts so well with each other. so much so, that i find myself actually fucking tell her “you need to ask more about me”. what the hell. but i’m also attracted to you physically.. physically, i’m more with her. but i guess not by a lot. just felt nice with her. felt like something i’ve wanted or longed for. and i hate to say that. maybe i feel inclined to be with her BECAUSE i feel guilty that her looks are a huge factor in this. if that’s the case, maybe i already know my choice.. but i guess it’s not just that. it’s her affection. her sweetness. her own longing for something sweet that makes me want to fulfill that. my longing to be the light in someone’s life. You always told me you were already really happy and content before meeting me, and i just made that feeling better. But she said she was just okay with life before meeting me. i don’t know if that’s me thinking, “i can really make a difference for her”. me wanting to be the knight in shining armor. me wanting to feel like i’m worth something because i have felt for a long time that i’m not. 

all my thinking... points to you. i’m connected to you emotionally, attracted to you physically, bonded to you spiritually.. so why do i want to go the other way? it’s always been like that. even since last summer. everything in the world pointed to staying away from you. i wasn’t ready. i had just gotten out of a long term relationship. and i just decided anyway to go for you. to pursue you. and pursue you hard. when you were at a stage where the wounds were still fresh from your past relationship. i felt like all the signs in the world said no, but i said i didn’t believe in signs. maybe this is the same thing. where all the signs point to you, but here i am saying no again... but where has that brought me?? happiness, fulfillment, satisfaction, pain, heartache, anger.. full spectrum?! should i just go with what i somewhat feel and what the rest of the world feels? or should i continue my rebellious action even though i don’t know why i rebel in the first place.. or if i even have a solid reason to rebel other than “don’t tell me what to do” haha. what the hell is going on with me.

maybe this entire passage... i put “you” as you and “her as her”.. because it’s an apology for being so hesitant despite how much you’ve done for me. i see a future with you. and it is so bright. and with her i feel like it’s not as bright... only because i don’t have an idea of what she’s like. i haven’t connected with her family or her friends, nor has she connected with mine. it’s not as bright because we just haven’t established that foundation, as mentioned before. i’m scared if we get together.. if my friends will like her, how they’ll feel about me not going with you. i guess that’s a fear - but i should realize what she told me, “this isn’t their relationship.” and it’s not. 

think i’ve gone on for a while haha. glad to have my thoughts all out on here. if you’re reading this.. and we aren’t together right now.. i truly believe we can make it work. just.. not right now. you were right in how off our timelines were. i pray that if circumstances become different, i would love so much to try again. i just feel like my heart wouldn’t be in it if we did try again now. you said “either stop talking now, or stop talking later”. i don’t want to stop talking either way.. 

hello i think i need to be alone for a bit