CAPTAIN ED MERCER

Jesus christ Ed.

You're the one that brought up marriage. That's just the natural progression of things.

words said shortly before our wedding

yeah. and right after i found someone in our bed with someone else.

you know what ? probably not the best to comment on someone's dimensions. that's my bad.

wow. you're like. flat. that's crazy. and you're a shape. that's crazy. that's - wow. hold on. hold on.

well, you won't know unless you try it! do you want me to close my eyes so i don't see you, or?

I - you really want me to practice flirting on you ? Doesn't that defeat the purpose ?

( he himself pauses for a moment before his eyes widen just slightly with a soft gasp. ) are you .. is that a new jacket you're wearing today?o - oh, it's not? how silly of me! it just .. it's sort of embarrassing, but i think you look so handsome, i thought maybe it was the clothes, but .. ( a chuckle sounds, paired with a hand shyly raising to cup his own cheek. the giggle forms a small smile once it ends. ) it's clearly just you, eddie.

( Will's pause catches him off guard , and he blinks a few times. ) No , it's not - ( It takes Ed far too long to catch on to what he's doing. He clears his throat. ) . . Y'know , I think that works a lot better when you do it.

it's been around for so long and yet you have none. c'mon! what's your type of like, flirting? i'll teach it to you. are you bold and confident, innocent and coy .. ?

( His mouth opens and closes again. It takes him a moment to really think about it. ) . . Coy ? I guess ? I don't really think about it when I flirt. ( A bold - faced lie. )

that's more like it! you're not going to get any if you don't ask! where's your cool? where's your.. rizz?

. . rizz ? that is ancient slang. what is that , twenty first century ? crazy.

is this true or are you doing one of your lying to yourself tricks

. . ok - i'm not going to get any. that's just not how it works.

YOU NEED TO LOCK IN ED!!!!!! ED YOU NEED TO LOCK IN YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY STAFF LIKE THIS

i don't think i need to get any.