These Thoughts are My Own || Self Para
Imaging a big sea... or maybe not a big sea... maybe a little lake. Or a bad tub? A bad tub yes. The largest one you know, that makes bubbles. And itâs warm, but not always warm, sometimes the cold wind blows on it, and the chills reach through the water and onto your skin. And itâs cold... or not cold... worse than cold. I cannot describe it... I donât think I have the voice, or the thoughts, to do it.Â
But a bad tub then.Â
At times it was warm, but it was all but quiet. I could hear far away voices, with a strong bas line, and some more near. A growling one, very close to me, but despite its loudness, I knew for sure it was whispering.Â
With the whispering voice - mind you it wasnât always there - came a wrenching feeling, a nerve that made me feel all these kinds of feelings that were bad: nervous, afraid, shameful, angry, and all these others things. I wasnât sure what called upon them, where they came from, what was the reason i was feeling these, I just was. Always when the whispering came.Â
When it left, I was okay. Or sort of okay. Asleep, or more asleep than I usually was. I canât explain, it was a... a sort of wave, a swimming in warmth, but also the idea of my brain being completely gone. And my dreams, I knew my dreams could not be true, so many illogical things. Varamadras calling me a son, Misha with blue eyes, Tarac and Marius were sometimes the same person - that might have been the most oddest thing - and so many other things.Â
I knew they werenât real.
But I hung onto them.Â
I didnât have a reason to. I think. To try and think they were real. They were dreams. Just dreams.
I remember few of them aside from a few details. Very minor details actually. Makes you wonder why the mind chooses just to hang on to those little bits of a larger picture. Or maybe it has all to do with how my mind work. If it even works, that is.Â
Iâm very sure my mind is no longer working like it should.Â
The other day I was having a dream. A kind of vision, maybe. I canât say that situation ever happened to me before, but my brain told me it hadnât. Or my mind. Whatever it was.Â
I was standing on an empty plateau, a dock, overlooking the sea, or a lake. The sky was black, storm clouds. The sea was wild, waves disrupt the shoreline, water sprays around, and it has a dark blue color the likes of which I had never seen. I could feel someone standing behind me, and when I turned they were only a few feet away. It was more than someone.Â
Varamadras, Marius and Misha were on the first row, standing, all dressed in black. They were staring at me, this crazy strange look in their eyes, as if they were missing me while I was still there. Their gazes were piercing my brain, I was hurt by them, but found that they were not the only ones saying their goodbyes.Â
Lined up behind the big three - as I called them in that moment - was everyone I had ever  known or cared about, all those faces that had been in my life for longer than just a bit or who I had called my friends.Â
My dire situation came exceptionally lively when I became aware of why they were all standing in line on that dock.Â
I was dead.Â
I was dead in that dream, and I might soon be actually dead.Â
I donât want to die yet.Â
















