Anonymous in Los Feliz @originalnr - Tumblr Blog

20/20

Is this thing still on? Is anyone out there?

It seems appropriate to return to this to write out some thoughts that have been running through the last month or so. And to put them on the platform that I very much overused in the middle of the decade. But in reality, it’s more likely because I didn’t want this to be shuffled in with my other ramblings on yearly look backs on my Google Drive.

Anyway, this is just a collection on my thoughts on the past decade, because hoo-boy, at the start of this damn decade, I was halfway through puberty, in the middle of my teens, carefree and still in fucking middle school. And here we are now; fully bearded, done with high school and college, and obsessed with trying to make any sort of life progress these next two years as I encroach upon my mid 20s.

So, I chose a couple of topics to just spill about. It’s not a rigid format as I did with my other yearly reviews. Mainly because patterns are kinda creative death traps for me. I think. What do I know? One take, let’s go!

MUSIC

is really important. There, that’s it. That’s my entire thesis. Expanding on that, I think music is seriously the one universally motivating force that drives everyone at least once or twice in their lifetime. Love songs, fight songs (unintentional Kelly Clarkson reference, I apologize), songs that make you happy or sad. Any basic ass emotion. And musical taste is almost as important. Some people build their entire identity around it. Taste influences views, fashion and lifestyles.

At the beginning of the decade, I was new to the whole music thing. A child born and raised on classic rock that was barely aware of anything past the 80s/90s. Throughout the entire decade though, The Beatles have remained the one constant. They were my absolute favorites in my childhood and they still are to this day. I wanted to be John Lennon when I was 16. To write music just like him. The Dream!

Highschool saw the brief introduction of one very important girl and with her, I attribute my musical horizons explode! In came my intro to indie and indie alternative music. This is probably where Two Door Cinema Club made it’s entrance to my life. (I don’t know if the Shins and Postal Service count as indie in 2019, but to me back then, it did.) And from her intro, I branched out. I was absolutely obsessed with Oasis (not indie, I know, but how many people know a song beside Wonderwall?). I listened to so much Silversun Pickups (Carnavas and Bloody Mary!) That and then came the Strokes. I started with bits of pieces of Angles that I had pirated, then moved on to the rest of their work. the Red Hot Chili Peppers, while not indie at all, became a big part of me too. I was listening mainly to Blood Sugar... and would take awhile before I truley learned their entire catalog. And that would birth an obsession later on. Youth Lagoon was the point where I figured I was really getting this whole indie thing.

LOS, Electric Monolith, Polymers

Around this time I was also itching to start playing music. I’d wanted to play drums since I was a kid watching my cousin’s band and the later learning the basics of beat with Rock Band. Hell, if not for those two, I wouldn’t have become a drummer. So yeah, got drums as a middle school graduation gift and sucked for the longest. It wasn’t until I applied the drum tracks from Beatles Rock Band and really learned the shit out of every song. Then moved onto other songs. Mainly Green Day and the Foo Fighters. I still sucked though. Like, big time. But I wanted to be in a band. So I did just that. I got together with my friend from school who was really good at bass and we started just trying to play songs. It didn’t go well. All I had to do was learn ‘All My Life’ and I didn’t. So time passed and I later got together with a friend and my brother and started again learning Green Day tunes.

At this point I was also beginning to write lyrics. Super shit tier stuff. But our little group project needed lyrics. And so I wrote Nowhere Town, a wannabe pop punk anthem for the SFV and our first song. And we kept going. And we became a band called Lack of Signal (I always hated the name and would shorten it to LOS as much as I could). And we started writing more songs. And then we brought my friend from the failed jam sessions, and we were a band. It felt so cool in the moment. We played a total of 2 shows in that lineup, both not good. Personally, I messed up and flubbed so many songs. And it’s just not good playing.

LOS continued for few more years. We thought about making an album. We did a shitty demo EP that I produced. I kept writing lyrics. My friend Brandon split from us and we brought on my brother’s friend Allie as bassist. And we played more shows. I felt my playing and songwriting improve. And then we discovered we weren’t the only ones making music out in the neighborhood. So we did a one off music festival at a local venue. That would birth something I wasn’t part of, but it’s good to know we were in it for a minute.

I never fully loved the whole LOS thing. I clashed with our vocalist over the way he sang my stuff. I hated the pop punk route we took (I was really into the Vaccines and Arctic Monkeys at the time). So I distanced myself. Plus, our live performances stalled. I rejoined Brandon with his new project, the Electric Monolith, as a vocalist. It never went anywhere, but it was a fun couple of weeks. Plus, I wrote my favorite song that ever went to music; the Nature Song. The whole experiment was fun genre bending stuff with people who were way more talent than me.

LOS continued. I felt like we could be better. We pushed each other. More songs. More lyrics. Life changed around us. It changed for me. And that influenced my writing. We continued playing shows. We did a one off line up called the Contradictions for my friend’s high school, which was the only show my friends went to. The one off music festival grew. We got too big for our briches and gave ourselves an hour long setlist. Barely anyone came to our shows. It was as if we were the janitor cleaning for the opening act. Our interest and skills strengthened. And I clashed more with our vocalist. And I split. And the band dissolved. He begged me to come back. And I had had enough. LOS was finally done. Here’s an old draft I wrote about it:

Last week I left the band I co founded over three years ago, Lack of Signal. It wasn’t abrupt or sudden. In fact it had been brewing and long coming for almost a year. There are a bunch of reasons as to why I left, all of which I had constantly blabbed and complained about with to Lydia months and months ago. But the main, overlying reason was satisfaction. I wasn’t satisfied. In the music, the approach, the vibe and the paths we were going to take.

3 years ago when I founded the band, I didn’t actually have a set mindset as to what I would want the music to sound like. I just wanted to play. And we did. But as time progressed, my tastes and interests were fine tuned. And as towards the end I just wasn’t satisfied with what we were producing. I didn’t like the way my lyrics were being sung or the music that accompanied them. It was one of our last songs, Rosemary that finally convinced me enough to finally move on out from this.

I think that within the group we all had different ideals and big, at times conflicting, personalities that made it hard to work with sometimes. I once compared the four of us to the Beatles. I fell into John’s spot and just like John and Paul eventually had issues, I couldn’t agree with the way our Paul wanted things.

The way and style and limitations I eventually felt were just too much. I didn’t like the sound. I wanted to be launched into this local music scene and I don’t think that with LOS we would have made it. And so I’m searching again. I’m finally free after 3 years and I feel like I’m reset. My interests are broad and though some of it may not pan out, I’m just firing into the dark, hoping something sticks. A music project called Phanthems, a potential drumming spot, recent jams with old friend and past band mate; all things that could lead to something.

But it was a good run.I had fun when it was fun. The songs were good when they were good ones. And the feel of playing live, being cheered and occasionally signing autographs was amazing. But I think that this was the right time to leave before resentment festered and before I felt any more dissatisfied. Thank you, LOS. It was a blast.

I kept writing though. I had a vision for a new project, a new band. One called Phathems, a portmanteau of Phantoms and Anthems, which ultimately was renamed Silver Birds. Silver Birds was an 15 song long breakup album that never got pass the writing phase. It’s still something I want to do. Maybe, someday. I joined my brother’s band in the meantime. It was his side project for years, called the Polymers. And I joined. And it was the best band I was part of. Maybe because the weight of writing lyrics was over. Maybe because I didn’t have someone over me telling me how to play and what sounded good. It was music. Damn good music. And we played three shows in total. It was me at my best drumming. Ultimately, Polymers ended in 2016/8.

Back to the Music

Music blossomed for me in high school. So much more was at my fingertips. But I was still stuck with my usual picks. It wasn’t until I started making mixtapes for an old girlfriend that the world grew again for me. I learned about indie folk and rock with stuff like Bon Iver, the Kooks. I got really into Coldplay, specifically the album X&Y, which was the name of this damn blog for the longest, when it was also a couples blog.

It was also during this time I discovered Beat Radio, one of my favorite bands of all time. No exaggeration. Brian Sendrowitz was out there making music I wish I could have made.

I remember finding Brian’s music on YouTube, and since then, Beat Radio’s discography has been some of the best music I’ve ever heard. Apart from maybe the Beatles, lyrics had never really hit me the way Brian’s had. It was just so… literate. Granted, I was really into Best Coast at the time, so anything would have been a sea change. Still, with all the artists I have always found that their discography has one or two weak albums, or one’s that don’t measure up to the rest of their work. That hasn’t happened with Beat Radio. Everything; from The Great Big Sea to Take It Forever, masterworks. Back when I was writing songs and making music, all I wanted was to write an album’s worth of songs that was as good as Brian’s. I don’t know if that ever happened, but it’s good to know there was a driving force behind it all.

I don’t know if I can pinpoint exactly what has drawn me to Brian’s stuff all these years. The DIY method? The lyrics? The instrumentation? I don’t know. Most likely, it’s all of it. Beat Radio is just damn good music, through and through. Brian has gone from from bedroom pop, to more weird synth loops, to more classic indie rock and now to more stripped down acoustic sounds. And I’m here for it. For as long as he’s pushing out tracks on Bandcamp, I’m here for it. Take it, forever!

During college, I learned to appreciate good pop music. This is where Carly Rae Jepsen comes in, who was famous in my early teens for Call Me Maybe. But then I saw her on SNL and it changed everything. EMOTION was the point where I learned to stop caring about the music I listened to. EMOTION opened me up to listening to Taylor Swift, which may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but 1989 is seriously one of the best albums of the decade.

I started going to more and more music festivals and learned more and more music. I tried to push my comforts and learned about Death Grips, Mac DeMarco, the Stone Roses, Kanye West more old music. Bloc Party was a huge part of college (and my later high school life). I learned to appreciate the Beach Boys beyond the hits. Point is, music taste changes so much over the years. Where I started as a classic rock kid is nowhere near what I love now. Granted, I still respect the classics (the Beatles are always #1), but who’da thought I would grow to legitimately love Poppy while still fucking around with bands like Charly Bliss and Alvvays? I mean for fucks sake, I went through a jazz phase. Like actual jazz.

(anyway, this section is getting sloppy, moving on!)

I Made You a Mixtape, Okay, It’s Not a Tape At All

One of the my longest projects this decade was the X&Y Anthology. Since then, I created Vol. 2 Things to Come and Vol. 3 as spiritual succesors. All I did was put songs together, but the first volume told a story. Here’s me talking about wrapping the original volume with Ends and Just Friends:

Earlier this year I finally wrapped a sorta project that had spanned 3 years, the X&Y Anthology. In short, they were mix tapes for a girl. A shit ton of mix tapes. Over 175+ songs dedicated to one person, which to me, was pretty wild. And it’s not like they were just burned on a cd and put in a jewel case. Nope. looking back, they were all telling a story. Our story at the time. Each with extensive artwork that consumed me entirely every time I set out to do another. Each song carefully chosen and arranged. Not to toot my own horn, but I think I did damn well. Exceptionally well. Admittedly in my eyes some don’t measure up to others but overall I think they were a magnificent compilation of ten mix tapes. the Leap was where it all started. It’s my favorite one. It’s perfect listening back to it. It’s where everything started. It just flows with this largely acoustic atmosphere with songs that just seem to play off each other. To the Moon and Back is just as good. This time I started messing with upbeat songs and melding them with more somber ones. And the closing track marked the start of a trend, a secret track masked behind ambience and instrumentals. It Only Goes Up From Here took everything to the next level. I wanted to make it big. So I went for the stars. A space artwork theme that divided 27 songs into two discs; Ursa Major and Ursa Minor. It was noticeably longer than the previous two but the balance of songs kept it from getting stale. Road Trips and Movie Clips was born out a rough patch. To me it’s more gloomy than the others, but it reflected the times. The artwork took forever. At one point I scrapped the entire map themed artwork for a watercolor theme with a centerpiece of a blue watercolor car, an inside bit. Even the songs were completely overhauled. Most were scrapped and but into the sorta next one, Blue Cars and Shooting Stars. Of all ten, that one was the most rushed. It was just a sort of bonus track. That wasn’t A Million Things at Once though. It was even more extensive. I went back to the double LP approach of IOGUFH and went for an even longer track list. Not that they were more songs, but more of they were longer songs. The artwork is one of my favorites, an entire color portrait made up entirely by text. Next to Blur Cars, this one doesn’t measure up as well for me. I was alienating a bit from love songs and went for a mish mash of tunes that works, but not as fantastic as the others do. I took a break from things after A Million, thinking that the whole mixtape deal was a bit tired out. But eventually I started up arranging new songs and meshing things together. Keep in mind this is three years after it had all started. This time it was called Onwards and Upwards, with a hopeful and optimistic outlook on things. It’s more somber than the others. Really more downbeat, but it works so damn well. It’s actually my second favorite. One song flows so well isn’t the next and creates such a wonderful overall vibe. The artwork once again reflected the music, playing to a black and white theme. But at this point, I stopped sharing these with her. They became my own way of logging our story. Sadly all goods things end though. And so in the midst of sadness and heartbreak, I set out to create the swan song of the mix tapes. I called it Ends & Just Friends. I wanted to capture all the feelings I had at the time. Love, anger, sadness, longing. All that and more. It was more songs that ever, a personal record breaking 30 love and breakup songs. The artwork I took from online and I don’t think I could have done better than the original Image. It’s simple and powerful.

Vol. 1: Guacamole Hummus (X&Y Anthology)

(2012 - 2015)

the Leap

to the Moon and Back

It Only Goes Up From Here

Road Trips and Movie Clips

Blue Cars & Shooting Stars

Doce Canciones Mas

A Million Things At Once

Onwards and Upwards

Ends & Just Friends

Coda

Vol. 2: Things to Come

(2016-2018)

Forever

And Ever

Southeast (transcendit solem, lunam et stellas)

Ferris Wheel! (mon plan d'urgence a échoué, alors j'apprends à embrasser cet enfer à la place)

Definitive Lines (In novissimis diebus omne tempus)

Gibson

Exeunt

Always

Scraps

Vol. 3: Untitled

(2019-)

cursed

katrina

what if we’d tried a little harder towards the end?

mourning//memory//stars

calico

wild blue yonder

quarantine dreams

3o4:3o

los feliz

The Universe

In 2012, I wrote a one off story for a friend called Sacapunta. It hasn’t aged well. It’s an environmental advocacy about a Native American woman who uses the Spirit Realm to teach about recycling. Kinda in the vein of that “Crying Indian” ad from the 80s. I was occasionally writing short stories that my depressed ass thought was clever and cool cos there was no good endings.

At the same time, I was also creating the sequel to a graphic novel I had written in middle school called the Imaginus War. It was called the Spirit Realm. It was time travel, a trip through heaven and hell, demons, Magick users, past present and future versions of myself and just unchained imagination. But I drifted from that. I mean, I still developed it. Even made for ideas for sequels, called a Stairway to the Stars, Ends of Everything, Rise of the Underneath and In Between Dreams.

Landon, Caesar, Fernando, Ilana

In 2012, I was writing letters to close friend who I was super into. But I had a girlfriend at the time and that made my 16 year old life hard to cope with. So I made up a world in which we were able to get together. I created Landon Morscetti and Katrina Moreno for the world of Observations from 33 1/3. Inspired by her and me, by John Green, indie music and movies like Like Crazy and the Spectacular Now. It was a short story about two teens who wind up living together and running a record store in the most unbelievable of circumstances. But I didn’t pair them together. I gave Landon a girlfriend named Holly (to mirror the real world) and Katrina got Giles (a wish fulfillment for my friend-I-liked who was really into the English/Irish indie folk singer type at the time.) Its the most 2012/2013 thing I’ve ever done. And I love the shit out of that story. My girlfriend at the time got it published in a one time copy as a gift, I rewrote it and shopped it around for feedback. The original manuscript isn’t the best thing, but I’ve been workshopping it for years, now as hopefully a tv show for Netflix.

I had fun writing Observations, so I did it again. But a different story. This time it was a story called City to City, about an on the rise musical director name Caesar Dejalo and his retelling of four relationships over the course of eight years. The original script never got past Part 2. I felt out of my element writing about adults while still in high school. So I put it on the shelf and returned to Landon and Kat for another round. This time for a high school drama about old flames, futures, and daddy issues in a story called Observations fom AU-285 (a reference to my old 9th grade locker. I finished all 23 parts, but it felt not as good as the first round. Where I had started out believeing in no happy endings, AU-285 had an overly sappy happy ending. For fucks sake, I gave Landon a Tesla. I didn’t know where Landon’s story was to go from there because once again; Landon was me. So he took a few years off.

I drummed up some other story ideas. I was super depressed at the time, so I put my thoughts into a story called Tiger Blood. It never got passed an idea for a few more years. But that’s okay; cos the year after I came back in a big way.

I got dumped. By the same girl who’d inspired Katrina years before. I was alone, with no one left to turn to. So, for my first screenwriting class, I wrote about my depression and heartbreak. I wrote a breakup movie with notes of hope called Into the Great Unknown about a college freshman named Fernando who is dumped and cheated on by his longtime girlfriend Moni and his road to redemption and eventual new love in the form of Amanda. Once again, the original is overtly long, but it also has some of my favorite scenes I’ve written ever. Like, seriously. Here’s one; granted it was me writing in 2016, so it may not be the best now:

“Jesus. Jesus. Jesus, Moni! Why ? Why did I fall for it again? Everytime I think about her my hopes come up so much and then they just crash way back down, and leave me like this. This sucks. I hate feeling this way. It sucks. Why? I’ve done good. I’ve been better. She messed up and here I am, months later acting like I’m the one who screwed it all up. Why am I still chasing after her? Why do I keep falling for the same stupid shit, time and time again? All the stuff at the beginning of the break, fucking winter break, and now she leaves me a drunk voicemail and I’m doing the same stupid shit again. I’m tired of it, Emmett. I really am.”

As college progressed I began to write more and more. Landon’s story became an idea for a movie, which became an idea for an anthology series spanning his entire life. Observations from Dorm 1127 would follow him in his sophomore year of college with him on the verge of flunking out and meeting and falling for Sophia Redd. Observations from Apartment 1019 would find him living in San Francisco after college and preparing to make some big life decisions, one of which is Sydney Capulini. And then for happy endings sake, Observations from 4417 Avocado St. would see Landon and Kat (now with their daughter Ronnie) as adults.

And then I came back to City to City. I turned it into a musical. A fucking 17 song musical with an accompanying song book. I revamped the story of Caesar Dejalo and it took up until this year to finish it. City to City is damn good. 4 distinct love interests, a strong supporting case and Caesar is equal parts hero and his own demise. City to City took surprisingly a short time to replot, but that wouldn’t be the same for my (jokingly) Magnum Opus.

Winter Break is the best thing I’ve done. It’s a coming [out] of age story about a girl who’s had her entire life plotted for her by her parents and her taking that back over the course of a winter break. It’s based right where I live, based on people I knew and the scene I grew up in during college. Ilana is kinda a brat, but so am I sometimes. It gave me some universe binding by making Ilana’s sister Audrey from City to City (Caesar is Landon’s cousin). It gave me Marissa Becker for a short I wrote called 25 or 6 to 4. It gave me an opportunity to write about my relationship with my dad in some ways. Winter Break is so fucking good. And maybe I wrote out an idea for a sequel.

Point is, I love writing. This year of 2019, I’m less motivated. Maybe it’s the post grad blues. But I’ve been taking Observations again and writing episode synopses for my dream anthology. I don’t wanna stop writing. I don’t wanna stop creating. I miss music. I miss screenwriting. I don’t wanna stop. But maybe I’m just in a slump, and that’s okay? Right? Right?

Anyway, here’s me talking about all the major influences behind my music and creations this decade.

The Ache of the Corazon

Okkkkayyyy, let’s try and do this with out it being too mushy or too detailed. A quick recap of the ups and down this decade when it comes to love, or what a 14 year old considers love.

Everything starts with the Summer of 2010. Most of my life can be traced back to that summer. I was in love with my best friend at the time. And she was too. She was my first kiss. It was on a beach. I was 14. I was crazy. She was too. We were young. It was chaotic. We dated all of summer and broke up because we were just too damn chaotic and jealous.

I met a girl and ‘dated’ for a bit in 9th grade. She was way too cool for me. She turned me on to good music. I’m forever indebted to her for that. We never went out outside of school. We broke up amicably. She was always the coolest.

I went back to that volatile summer love. It was fast, it was bad, we should have known better. That was 2011.

2012 changed everything. I was chasing down my backpack after it was taken by my friends in my new high school and fell and scrapped the jeans off my knees. And met her. She was my best friend’s best friend. I fell for her instantly. I played it cool. She didn’t seem to reciprocate. I didn’t want get hurt. We became friends. I moved on.

In 2012, I crashed a wedding because I went to a debu and it was boring. Some other girl thought the same thing. I was cautious. I played it cool. I grew to like her immensely and returned to junior year with a girlfriend. She was way out of my league. Way. I had no business being with a girl of her caliber. We dated. I fell in love again. But honestly, I was still into my best friend’s best friend. I grew close to her. I never made a move. I wanted to. But not like that. That’s not how the story would go.

It went worse. A year later, I was a senior. I got sick during a field trip and really re-evaluated what I wanted. It was her. And my girlfriend at the time knew. I broke up with her and went to the one I’d wanted all these years. But I fucked up and backed out. I went back to my ex, only to re-realize my mistake. She, having had enough dumped me and I went back to Her, but she was hurt by my stupidity.

I waited a month. I allowed her to heal. Sorta. We became a couple. It was the best damn thing ever. So sweet, so pure. I was depressed. Hella. It wasn’t fair to dump it all on her, but she was there. She had her own issues, and I tried my best. I wanted a future with her. No one has yet to match her. She was my muse for years, before, during and after our time together. I loved her with all my being. We dated for a year. We went to college together for a year.

She messed up and cheated on me. We were growing apart. It wasn’t the same. The world was changing. We tried, but it hurt too much. I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted us to be something she could no longer provide or carry without it being a burden. Guilt, anger, jealousy. No way to make a relationship.

I did the hardest thing and cut her out. Cold turkey. It was the worst. It took years to recover. But I did. I fell in love again. But it wasn’t going to be the same.

She was my co-worker. She was a few years older than me. There had always been some flirtatious nature between us. We tried it out. I was freshly heartbroken. It didn’t pan out. I haven’t seen her since.

It’s 2015 and I fell in love the next year. She was different. I was working at a new place. She was younger. She was an amalgamation of everyone I’d known before. She was wild. She had a boyfriend. I told her my feelings and moved on. But relapsed on her, for three years. Each time, convinced it was gonna happen. Each time, she was unavailable. I hadn’t felt that was in such a long time. I was convinced it was worth it. We’d stay out till 3 in the morning talking in my car. We went to parties together. I took her places. It seemed like it was gonna happen. It never did. Maybe I was baited. Maybe I didn’t see the signs telling me to drop out. Three years later, I once again admitted my feelings, but also let her know I was done with her. Too much had changed. I couldn’t do it again.

That was last year. It’s been stagnant since. A few possibles, but once again I’ll chock it out to post grade blues. A few bad names. But the heart aches on...

Escuela

In the course of 10 years, I went from middle school to graduating college. It really shows that everything can change in a matter of seconds, despite each year feeling longer or shorter than the one before.

Middle

Eighth grade was nice. I mean, all of middle school was really. I was really annoying. I still am annoying. But it was worse. I was losing baby fat, I was pining over every girl I met. Puberty, man! But it was a lot of set up and resolution for the next decade to come. Barely anyone I left middle school with remains with me to this day. In fact, no one does, really.

High

Ninth grade was where everything changes, really. Music, attitude, trying to not be as dorky as I was. Failed at that. I was in a new school, while all my other friends were at another on the other side of the valley. It was new people, new everything. And I fucking loved it. I was initially hesitant, cos it was new and stuff, but I think 9th was my best year of high school. I was part of a group of friends called LOVEMUFFIN, I was embracing my new life. But I got an offer to go to a new art school, so I left. God damn, ElCo was fun.

Tenth, I didn’t go to art school. I was there for three days, then left to be accepted by the school all my old friends were at. So naturally, I went. It was good to be back. Familiar faces, new ones. Too bad I was a fucking dick all year. I don’t know why. I had a friend who had a crush on me, I used that crush to make me feel good about myself. I was a self involved shit. I lost my best friend that year by just straight up ghosting her. But the world kicked back. I got rejected by a crush, began this crazy depression train and was just trying to get on with a world that seemed to have moved on. Oh, and I was on my school’s swim team. I fucking hated it. But, I did fall and scrape my knees...

Eleventh is probably my second best year. I came back with a new relationship, new group of friends, a new best friend and new everything. Really trying to grow and expand the world I was inhabiting. Playing shows, writing stuff, prepping for the future. It was solid. Really. At this point you forget the events and just remember the people. And of course, the age old question; Coffee or Tea? I chose coffee back then, but in hindsight, I’d pick tea any day of the week.

Twelfth is about bottoming out. Depression hitting like a pile of bricks, making stupid decisions, not being a good friend. Just being a sad sack shit. I had real problems, really, I did. But did I have to put that on others? Did I have to get trashed and ruin a birthday and as a result lose my friends? Nope. Twelfth did have one good thing throughout though. It doesn’t bear repeating, but Tea always won out. Still, things did wrap up nicely. The same, fuck no. But it wrapped without anyone angry in the end.

College Part 1

I got the fuck out of high school. No looking back. I kept one though. I followed her to community college, because I was 18. It made sense back then. Community was weird. I never wanted to be there. I was still super depressed. College blew. I really committed to making a fresh start, but I suddenly lost it all. No social skills, incredibly bad social anxiety. I wanted to be alone, but hated that. I was a fucking wreck. College blew. I did good academically, though. I just didn’t make any friends. Okay, that’s a little bit of lie. I went to a few parties. But that’s it. Community college blew.

That all got worse when I got dumped. I was in my final year of community. It was worse than before. I was depressed beyond compare. Jesus, it all fucking sucked. I wrote an album’s worth of music called Kelsey. I began writing movie scripts. I bought a 3DS and played the shit out of it. I began working out (didn’t pay out). College was so dead to me. I wanted out, so I doubled up on classes and units. I got out of there. Great coffee though.

College Part 2

My third year of college was better. Refreshing. Clear of the ghosts of the past. Despite being at the school most people from my past went to, I saw no one. I liked my classes. I was writing. I was really starting over. I got a job on campus. I didn’t talk to anyone on campus or at work. That social anxiety was still drilled into me and I couldn’t shake it. I played my 3DS a lot that year. I had a car, so I could get out of town. I took trips. I went to New York and almost dropped out of school because I loved it there so much and was just tired of all my life’s bullshit. I didn’t. College was getting better.

My final year finally felt good. I was thriving at work, or so I thought. I was actually making friends. I fell for a girl who wanted nothing to do with me, I just couldn’t tell. I was loving my classes. I was getting used to everything, only for it to be ending. I was okay with it. I was tired of college. I slowly outgrew the anxiety. Beat it some times, lost out big other times. I finished a semester after most of my friends left. I was over college. I didn’t do the ceremony. i got my degree in the mail. I didn’t look back.

Omnia Sub Sole

Well I think that’s all I got. Really. 10 years. Damn. In 2030, I’ll be 34. Shit. Maybe this website won’t be around. Maybe this dead blog will be deleted. I mean, this was my tenth year on Facebook and I deleted my account permanently (or so they say).

Look, i don’t use tumblr. Haven’t since 2016. But I do wanna thank this platform. Between my deleted Instagram posts pre 2016 and an old email chain, this place houses a good amount of my teen years. A true archive of who I was. Half of everything I discussed in this lengthy post has probably already been talked about in years prior. I don’t use it anymore, but I’m glad I did. Thanks to Branden Ally for convincing me to join.

In 10 years I’ve learned alot about myself. I learned I’m capable of some really great shit. I didn’t even touch on the GH Lam-Ventura mentorship program I’d started. I learned I’m my own worst enemy. Really. Literally. Depression is a bitch. But I’m winning so far. There’s about 10+ times I can recall where I almost took my own life, but I’m still here.

10 years ago, I wanted to live in Seattle. Now, I wouldn’t mind staying in LA (not the Valley) or starting over in Queens, New York. I still wanna do stuff with movies (I did graduate with a film degree). But that road is long and arduous. I learned more about who I am, where I align myself on certain things. I learned I’m pretty on board with democratic socialism and I’m a damn lefty of everything. I learned that I exist somewhere on a certain spectrum and it took me years to come to terms with that, but I’m okay with it.

I learned I can travel on my own. That I’m okay on my own, but I don’t wanna be. I’ve graduated college despite wanting to drop out every single year. I was a vegetarian for four years, just because I wanted to see if I could do it. I’ve met really fucking cool people, both heroes and friends. I’ve gone to a lot of cool places; San Francisco, San Diego, New York, Austin, Miami.

The 2010s are probably going to largely influential for the 2020′s. I’m moving into my mid 20′s. I’m ready for the world. But I’m also ready to put the 2010s to rest. I literally did that a month ago.I packed up all my memories, all the gifts, letters, photos, trinkets from the last 10 years and put them in a box, much like I’d done with my ceremonial Ex-Boxes. It feels good. Cathartic.

Anyway, that’s me talking about some of the big things and big chapters these last 10 years. There’s stories upon stories within this, but I didn’t want to be here all night. Thanks again tumblr. Even if my followers are all spam bots. It’s good to post one last thing here for this decade. Have a good life! All the best!

Edit: Another thing I did a while back:

In 2010, I went to a beach…

In 2011, I started all over again…

In 2012, I ripped my pants…

In 2013, I crashed a wedding…

In 2014, I had it all and lost it all...

In 2015, I failed to keep it together…

In 2016, I took a year off life…

In 2017, I got to refocus...

In 2018, I closed another chapter…

In 2019, I got ready for the Big One

#mylifeisanemotionalgoldmine #textpost #aretagsstillused #2020 #retrospective #lame