RISCALDARE.

𝙷𝙰𝙿𝙿𝙸𝙽𝙴𝚂𝚂     being unable to stop smiling.  laughter.  bear hugs.  happy tears.  waving arms around.  dancing.  contently sighing.  eyes twinkling.  laugh lines.  childlike playfulness.  skipping.  talking more.  affection.  cracking more jokes than usual.  gesturing more when talking.  higher pitched voice.  squealing.  jumping around.  clapping.  

𝚂𝙰𝙳𝙽𝙴𝚂𝚂     tearing up.  self-hugging.  one-arm cross.  an aching chest.  scratchy throat.  a runny nose.  turning away.  deep breaths.  quivery smiles.  crying.  infantile sobbing.  hands gripping each other or an object.  covering mouth.  puffy eyes.  eyes appear red.  running makeup.  voice breaking.  a distant or empty stare.  monotone voice.  asking for comfort.  faking a smile.  crumbling.  shaking.  whimpering.  depression.  abusing an unhealthy habit.  withdrawing from others.  big teary eyes.  doing something even if it could hurt them.

𝙰𝙽𝙶𝙴𝚁     furrowed brows.  baring teeth.  passive-aggressive comments.  avoiding eye contact.  sarcasm.  headache.  sore muscles.  hiding clenched fists.  irritability.  jumping to conclusions.  raising voice.  going silent.  demanding immediate action.  keeping it all in until exploding.  body tensing.  making risky decisions.  middle finger.

𝙵𝙴𝙰𝚁      wanting to flee or hide.  what-ifs.  images of what-could-be flashing in mind.  uncontrollable trembling.  rapid breathing.  screaming.  a skewed sense of time.  irritability.  keeping silent.  denying fear.  turning away from the cause.  pretending to be brave.  nail-biting.  lip-biting.  scratching skin.  a joking tone but a voice that cracks.  fainting.  insomnia.  panic attacks.  exhaustion.  substance abuse.  tics.  rushing adrenaline.  face draining of colour.  hair lifting on the back of the neck.  feeling rooted to the spot.  making body as small as possible.  staring but not seeing.  crying.  a shrill voice.  whispering.  gripping something or someone.  stuttering.  flinching at noises.  pleading.

pentheus:    you are pentheus from the bacchae by euripides, and you hold yourself so tightly wound together and so perfectly in place that even the slightest push will make you shatter. you are determined, you are headstrong, and you are addicted to pushing yourself to your farthest limits just to see when you'll snap. you find comfort in tradition, order, and authority, because that's where you are allowed to be blind to the darkness inside you. once in a while, give into the temptation and the chaos you keep denying yourself. it's the only way to not be afraid anymore.

a scoff sits at the back of her throat,   ill-humored   &   increasingly tart like the souring of milk.  the observation is innocent enough  --  flattering even,  if held beneath the light at a certain angle.  she could think of herself as personable with a remark like that,  though she largely knows this to be untrue.

❝   not my acquaintance.  my family’s.   ❞   the distinction is important   &   perhaps a bit depressing.  in her line of work it is prudent   &   natural for most  (if not all)  iterations of human connection to be delegated to the family business.  there are no friends,  no lovers,  no acquaintances without the catch of an ulterior motive or a professional transaction.  if violet were to deliberate on this,  she would be hard pressed to recall the last genuine relationship she’d allowed herself to indulge in.  the more habitual it became to commodify every aspect of her life,  the less exhausting   &   less disheartening it was to bear. 

⧗     —     @organisedcrime​

SHE  REACHES  BEHIND  TO  SHUT  THE WINDOW,         the spring manhattan air already too chilled for her liking as the hours wane  &  the sun begins to set,        casting a darkened shadow to light up the night’s city life outside.        the act had come as a momentary reprieve from a discussion far too heated for agreement,       yet far too calm for argument.        natasha thinks to herself,       as she settles back into the sofa cushions  &  stretches her legs across the other woman’s lap,       that she prefers it this way.      ❝      i told you,     we can’t even take the back way unless the guards here,       ❞        she points in a repetitive motion for the night toward a hallway on the plan,        marked in a glaring red circle.        ❝      are taken care of.      &  we haven’t gotten there yet.       ❞

𝑆𝐼𝐿𝐸𝑁𝐶𝐸                                 𝐀     𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐏𝐇𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐂    𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄     ;     he   did    not    dare    raise     an    eye,       did    not     dare     imply     even     as    much    as     his      slight     indifference.                           “       …     𝑓𝑙𝑎𝑡𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔.     but    i    assure    you,     i’ve    no   need    for    employment    opportunities.       i’m    too    old.       ”