Orci-rambles

"Dude, why the fuck does one of your dad's recipe books have the word orgasm in it?" asked a particularly tall and dark, curly-haired individual helping himself to whatever was in Cross's kitchen. One of these things was raiding his coffee supply so he could look after the two young troublemakers currently fighting over what flavor of cake they were making.

                "Ooo, no way, seriously!?" the more diabolical of the two (cough cough Nea) chirped before making his way over to peer over Tyki's shoulder, his eyes alight with mischief. Upon glancing at the book, his golden eyes narrowed in irritation, and he snatched the book out of Tyki's hand.

"You dumb ass, that's oregano! Not to mention you've been holding it upside down," Nea snapped, thumping Tyki on the head with said book and tossing it aside. Then he turned onto his heel towards Allen, continuing the argument they'd been having. "As I was saying, we're making chocolate because it's as dark as my soul!"

"No way, edge lord. Chocolate is disgusting. Besides, you're in my house, so I get to decide what kind we make," Allen said with an annoyed pout as he gathered up a bowl and flour.

"Your house? Last time I checked, this was Cross's house, you moocher," Nea shot back as he went to the fridge to grab milk and eggs.

"Oi, I'm 16, asshole, and I have the means to pay my way. Speaking of Cross, if you don't quiet down, he's gonna find out what we're doing, and he'll kill me. He still hasn't forgiven me for the boiling water incident," Allen hissed.

"Dude, that was so fucking funny; I still don't know how you managed to set a boiling pot of water on fire," Nea laughed as he placed the ingredients down on the table next to Allen before rummaging through cabinets to find sugar.

Tyki choked on his cup of stolen coffee at that. "Wait, what!? Are you sure having him in here is a good idea? Actually, should either of you be doing this?"

"Why the fuck do you care, Tyki? It's not your kitchen," Nea reasoned, raising his eyebrow at his cousin.

"Ah, right," Tyki hummed as he took out his lighter and a pack of cigarettes.

"Dude, are you high!? Put those away! You can't smoke in here!" Allen snapped, making a lunge for Tyki's cigarettes.

Tyki, unphased, simply raised said items above his head, blinking in mild surprise at Allen's outburst, "Why? What's the problem? I thought your old man smoked."

"He does, but he doesn't smoke that kind. He says those are for curly-haired fuckboy homewreckers." Allen huffed, trying to reach Tyki's smokes in vain.

"Ouch, it looks like someone is still pissed off about his older son's dating preferences. It's been like two months already; when is he gonna get over it?" Tyki commented with an eye roll.

"Hey, he's not the only one! You ever think of breaking Lavi's heart, and I'll cut out yours, including your most favorite part of your body," Allen threatened, making a pointed look down south before returning to Nea's side to begin putting ingredients into the bowl.

"You're just gonna stand there and let him threaten me like that?" Tyki asked, pocketing his smokes anyway.

"Yeah, cuz I think it's funny. Besides, you totally don't deserve anyone like Lavi. What he sees in you is beyond my comprehension," Nea said with an innocent smile, pausing momentarily to smack Allen's hand, who was trying to sneak a taste of a cake batter.

"Ow, you bitch!" Allen squeaked, rubbing his hand with a pout.

"Don't you put your grubby little commoner paws in the batter? The hell is wrong with you!?"

Allen gasped and touched his chest in mock hurt, "A grubby commoner!? I welcome you into my COMMONER home, let you use my COMMONER cooking utensils and ingredients, and this is the thanks I get!?"

"Ah, you're right; Cross would be the grubby commoner who thinks he is high class while you are the dirty little street rat he let crawl into his home. My bad," Nea purred before patting Allen's face endearingly.

"You're an entitled, snake-eyed prick," Allen huffed back before flicking Nea's forehead, who tried to grab Allen's hand and bite it.

"Mind telling me why you two are such good friends again?" Tyki asked, filling his coffee cup for the third time since getting here and wishing it was alcohol. He was way too sober to be babysitting these two morons right now.

"Belittling each other mercilessly is our love language- Ow Nea, your teeth are sharp!" Allen responded, trying to kick Nea in the shin.

"Ewgh, commoner blood. It tastes like depression and existential dread," Nea gagged, finally pulling away.

"Dude, you made me bleed!"

"Yeah, yeah, just don't get it in the cake," Nea said, waving him off as he began to crack some eggs.

"You know, for being scared about your old man waking up, you two are sure taking your sweet ass time getting the cake done."

"Well, jee, maybe we'd go a little faster if a certain hobo stopped drinking the entire coffee supply and helped out instead of making bitchy little comments," Allen growled, eyeing Tyki's cup in annoyance, "How many fucking cups is that? Do you know how expensive coffee is?"

"What do you even need help with?" Tyki asked, almost immediately regretting his decision when he saw Allen's face split into a mischievous smirk. He watched the teen turn on his heel and dig through the array of plastic bags on the counter. There, he pulled out a pack of balloons and approached Tyki before holding up said item.

"I'm so glad you asked my favorite neighborhood dumpster fire. I know you're quite good at blowing things, so I figured these would be right up your alley!" Allen chirped.

"Ha, blow job joke!" Nea supplied, cursing to himself when an eggshell landed in the cake batter.

"Oh my god, you whore, how many are you putting in!? Those are expensive, too!" Allen whined, shoving the balloons at Tyki's chest before returning to Nea.

"I'm doing exactly as the recipe said; stop nagging me!"

"Kid, you're fucking delusional if you think I'm going to blow up all these balloons by myself," Tyki deadpanned.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you smoke like a train. Yeah, the last thing you probably want is to die on my kitchen floor. I wouldn't mind, though, because I would find it hilarious. Plus, I would probably make your body do something embarrassing like pick your nose before rigor mortis sets in," Allen laughed, returning to rummaging around in the plastic bags once again and producing a helium tank.

"Here you go," Allen chirped, setting the tank down next to Tyki with a sweet and serene smile as if he wasn't just talking about the morbid idea of Tyki dying.

"You wouldn't do that; Lavi would be devastated," Tyki shot back before he began to play with the tank to understand how it worked.

"When it comes to history and other random shit, Lavi is a beast, but when it comes to dating…" Allen trailed off.

"He's a delusional dumb bitch with the worst track record I have ever seen," Nea deadpanned.

"Thank you, Nea," Allen cooed, walking back over to watch Nea mix the ingredients together.

"Hey, you better watch it. One day, I might just end up being your brother-in-law," Tyki hummed with a teasing smirk as he began to fill up balloons.

"Yeah, sure, that'll be the day-Tim stop trying to EAT THE DAMN CURTAINS!?" Allen yelped, stomping to the window where a toothy, yellow golem was hanging precariously. Upon being spotted, the golem tried to chew the curtains even faster, much like a dog, knowing it was getting into something it knew it shouldn't. Allen snatched the poor thing up by its tail and growled a single command, "Drop it!"

With a pathetic, mechanical whimper, the golem spat out the curtain and hung from Allen's hand in defeat.

"But Father, he hungers," Nea teased.

"Hungers? Yeah, hungers to watch me get throttled by Cross's hands more like. Stay off the curtains; you're better than that," Allen scolded, shaking the golem in his hand until it swung back and forth and produced tiny tears from only God knows where.

"Stop it, you're gonna give him shaken baby syndrome," Nea giggled, quickly sticking the cake into the oven before poking at the pathetic little being that hung from Allen's grip.

"No, he must learn not to be a crackhead!" Allen growled, holding the golem at eye level and scrutinizing him. His eyes narrowed further as Tim wiggled his tiny nubs at his face, begging for forgiveness.

With a huff, Allen leaned forward to kiss the golem, "Fine, I forgive you. For now. Don't do it again."

"Now begone thot!" Allen declared, letting Tim's tail go and watching as the creature flew over to the table to see if there were any leftovers he could get into.

"Damn, that golem has more cake than any human I've ever seen," Nea commented, making a disgusted face as he watched Tim devour some eggshells.

"Don't comment on his butt cheeks. He gets self-conscious. Come, let's see how your hobo cousin is doing on the balloons!" Allen said before grabbing Nea's arm and marching towards Tyki.

While they waited for the cake to bake, the two joined Tyki and helped him blow up balloons. This should've made the older man happy because more people doing the task would have made it quicker to finish. Right? Wrong. Not with these two knuckleheads.

"Hey Allen, check this out," Nea said, an impish smirk plastered on his face as he took one of the balloons he was filling up and inhaled some of the helium.

"Hey Allen, do you think my voice sounds weird?" Nea asked, his voice sounding like a deranged chipmunk.

Allen's eyes widened comically at the drastic voice change. Ah, apparently, Tweedle Dee hadn't had much experience with helium before. Well, this should be interesting…

"What? Oh, don't tell me you've never played with helium before," Nea teased before breathing in some more and asking in a sultry voice, "Tell me, Allen, do you think my voice sounds sexy? You know you always wanted to bang a guy who sounded like a chipmunk, right? Ooh yes, harder, daddy~."

Tyki rolled his eyes as the two idiots began to cackle and say stupid, sexual things to each other. He decided to mind his own business and fill up another balloon. Ugh, teenagers.

"Mmm, yes, beg like the slut you are~" Allen cooed back after inhaling some of the helium from the balloon he held in his hands.

"Mmm fuck~"

"Aaah~"

"Ohhhh~"

"Will you two idiots knock it off? Your sex noises are annoying," Tyki snapped, holding the helium tank valve threateningly at the two teenagers who were cackling like hyenas on crack.

"Awhhh I think someone is jealous," Nea cooed as he reached for the helium valve.

"Yeah, Tyki, why don't you remove that giant stick up your ass and live a little," Allen egged on.

"I'm not jealous, and I don't have a giant stick up my ass; I just think you two suck at making sex noises," Tyki bitched, pulling the valve away with a warning look, "Boy, you're crazy if you think you're gonna huff this shit right out of the tank."

"Oh really? Well, why don't you show us how it's done, Mr. Casanova? I bet you sound like a wheezing grandpa in bed," Allen remarked with a shit-eating grin.

"Oh, come on, I don't smoke that much; I've done a pretty good job not touching my cigarettes so far, haven't I?"

 Nea sucked more helium from his balloon before saying in a psychotic, high-pitched tone, "Come on, Tyki, come play with us~."

"Come play with us, Tykiii~" Allen chimed in.

Tyki rolled his eyes but decided to comply if it would shut these two loonies up for a bit. Allen and Nea leaned forward, their eyes wide and curious about how Tyki would sound on helium.

"Mmm, you like that, don't you? Why don't you bend over and show me how much you want me," Tyki moaned, trying to make his voice sound husky and seductive, which would've been more effective had he not sounded like a demonic, perverted chipmunk.

Allen screamed in laughter, doubling over until he practically rolled on the floor in amusement, "Y-Y-You sound so s-stupid!"

"W-Wait, d-do it again; I-I wanna get it on camera to show Road!" Nea said through fits of laughter.

"No way, if Sheril found out, he'd implode! Actually…that wouldn't be a bad idea…at least with him out of the picture, I wouldn't have to listen to his constant bitching," Tyki mused before he loomed over the red-faced Allen. Feeling a desire to torture the brat a little more, he whispered, "Bite the pillow, Pinocchio. I'm going in dry."

Allen shrieked and tried to back away from Tyki in amused horror, "S-Stop it! M-My stomach hurts!"

"Mmm, disgusting perv," Nea hummed to himself before sniffing the air, "Ah, hey, is the cake burning?"

Allen, who was dying, suddenly turned serious as he whipped his head toward the oven, "Whoa, wait! What!? Ah fuck! Nea, I thought you were watching the time!"

"No, I thought you were watching the time."

"Oh, so neither of you was watching the time?"

"Shut up, Tyki, not now!" Allen yelped as he quickly grabbed an oven mitt and reached inside to pull out the cake pan. Nea peered over Allen's shoulder, eyeing the cake for any signs of black burned bits. "Whoops, false alarm. It looks done to me."

Allen slowly turned around to give Nea the nastiest, most fed-up look he could muster. Nea, in response, batted his eyes up at Allen and reached up to boop his nose before scurrying off to the table to begin making the icing.

As Allen plotted his friend's death in his head, Timcanpy had flown off to find a certain slumbering redhead that somehow managed to sleep through all the racket thus far. Tim glided soundlessly into his bedroom and went over to the mess of red hair before landing in it and nuzzling the man's head affectionately. The golem made some sort of fucked up purring noise and nibbled at a particularly stuck-up strand of hair, attempting to wake the sleeping figure peacefully.

Well, of course, that didn't work out because Cross happened to be sleeping like a rock.

So Timcanpy used another sinister method, one that he liked to use quite frequently: crawling over and chomping his ear.

"Ow! What the fuck!? Tim, you little shit!" Cross yelled, shooting up in bed and grabbing at his throbbing ear in irritation. He then turned his eye towards the golem who woke him up so rudely, seething in anger. He grabbed Tim by the tail, holding him up to glare, "What the fuck was that for!?"

Tim wriggled about a little in his initial panic before remembering why he was there. He still hadn't forgiven Allen for thwarting his plans to eat the curtains and decided he would get revenge. With a grin, Tim opened his mouth and proceeded to show Cross a projection of just what his brat had been up to downstairs.

Cross narrowed his eye, immediately recognizing Allen in the kitchen…and with that horrible influence of a brat Nea Campbell! It's not that Cross flat-out hated the kid; in fact, some of his mischievous antics were entertaining. It's just that sometimes he could go too far. Well…I guess it was better Allen had someone else with him in the kitchen. Hell, it seems like they did a pretty good job not fucking shit up so far. But damn it, why was it, Nea!? Besides, why the fuck were they even making a cake!?

Then the projection shifted over to Tyki, and Cross felt his blood boil. What the fuck was that asshole doing here!? Drinking his coffee nonetheless!? Ok, that's it! Tolerating the fuckboy dating his eldest son was one thing, but Lavi wasn't even here right now! Or at least he should be at work! He was not gonna put up with this asshole coming around whenever he wanted; he already had to hold his tongue when he happened to come over to visit Lavi!

"The brats are dead," Cross growled as he flung the bedsheets off and stormed downstairs. His bedhead made him all the scarier.

Meanwhile, the brats were fighting over a tube of icing, and of course, Nea had the upper hand.

"Ahahaha, you should look at your face! It looks like it's c-"Nea laughed, getting interrupted by a well-placed jab in his ribs that made him lower his arms just enough for Allen to grab the icing.

"Nea, you ass! Now it's your turn! Now open that pretty little mouth of yours and take it like the little bitch you are!" Allen exclaimed, holding the tube of icing above Nea's face with a demonic grin.

Nea, being the little shit he was, smiled sweetly and purred, "Oh, but of course, daddy~."

Just as Allen squeezed a dollop of the white sugary sweet into Nea's mouth, the enraged Cross stormed into the kitchen. Nea's eyes flitted over to the pissed-off redhead and smiled politely, "Oh, hello, Mr. Cross; Allen and I were just playing~."

"Oh fuck!" Allen cussed, immediately pulling away from Nea and dropping the tube of icing on the table, his face turning beet red.

"Yeah, oh fuck. Mind telling me what the fuck you two are getting into and why Mr. Fuckboy McGee is in my house?" Cross asked, kicking a stray balloon away from him and leaning against the doorjamb.

"Fuckboy McGee?" Tyki commented, putting a hand to his chest in mock hurt. Cross shot him a dirty look that instantly made Tyki shut his mouth. Once he was sure Tyki would keep his trap shut for the next few minutes, he looked back over to his brat, who was scratching the back of his neck nervously.

"U-Uhm, well, we're making a birthday cake and stuff for a friend…" Allen tried to explain.

"And you decided to use my kitchen instead of going to Nea's house?"

"Skinn would've had a shit fit if we made a cake and wouldn't let him eat it…and Road would pester us into a fit of madness," Nea explained sweetly.

Cross sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Alright, so the kid was just trying to do something nice for a friend; he can't get totally mad at him for that, right? Plus, even amidst their dorky shenanigans, the brats didn't burn down his kitchen, so that was good, right?

"Still, that doesn't explain why he's here," Cross growled, jabbing a thumb at Tyki.

"He's the designated babysitter…but we're also using him for transportation," Nea said, ignoring the splutter Cross produced at "designated babysitter." That man!? A babysitter!? He couldn't even babysit a pet rock!

"Ugh…whatever. I guess you succeeded in not fucking up anything, so I can't be too mad…just clean up after yourselves," Cross huffed in defeat before pushing himself off the doorjamb and to the living room to see what was on TV.

"O-Okay," Allen stammered out, giving Nea a look that said, 'Holy shit, he's not gonna kill us!'.

Nea gave Allen a look of his own that said, 'No shit, dumb ass, don't ever doubt me again.'

"Alright, well, the only thing left is the candles!" Allen chirped as he turned around to rummage through the bags once again. I got some super dope looking ones on sale! We should light one up to see what it looks like!"

"You got 24 of them, right?" Nea asked, walking over to Tyki to steal his lighter. Tyki gave his younger cousin a dirty look but allowed him to take it for now.

"Of course!" said a confident Allen as he snatched the lighter from Nea's hand and lit up the 'candle' in his hand without hesitation.

"Dude, those are some strange looking candles-OH MY GOD ALLEN THAT'S A FIREWORK!"

"W-Wait w-what!?" Allen shrieked, staring at the lit fuse in horror as it began to snake down to his hand. He pranced around, looking for a place to drop said firework.

"Dude, just drop it!"

"Where!?"

"Anywhere! Quick, before it blows up!" Nea yelled as he took the firework from Allen's hand and threw it off to the corner.

"Fuck! Hit the ground!" Tyki yelped as he shoved the two brats under the table, himself included, just as the firework exploded in the kitchen. The flying projectile proceeded to ricochet all about Cross's kitchen, breaking the light fixture and knocking over the mixing bowl and a clock hanging nearby before landing on the cake. As Cross stormed back into the kitchen to figure out just what the hell was going on, the smoke alarm decided now would be the best time to start blaring. Great…well, so glad that was working. Too bad that wouldn't save Allen from meeting his doom.

Cross's eye flitted about the kitchen before landing directly on his brat who smiled sheepishly up at his guardian. As Cross approached, Tyki and Nea, with good judgement, backed far away from Allen. Cross plucked the firework out of the cake and kneeled down to hold the offending object up to Allen's face.

"Aheheh….oops," Allen laughed nervously, his face turning pale as Cross's face turned dark with rage. He swore he could see a vein begin to pop out on the man's forehead.

Then Cross smiled and began to count down, "10…9…8…"

Allen gulped and scrambled out from under the table before taking off in a full-on sprint out of the house with his guardian quick on his heels, screaming, "When I catch you, you're dead!"

Tyki and Nea watched the display, Nea looking bored and Tyki blinking owlishly. Nea sighed and stretched his arms over his head before turning on his heel to collect the mixing bowl that miraculously survived its tumble to the floor. "Well, guess I better get to work; a new cake isn't just going to pop out of thin air."

"Wait, shouldn't we be running after Allen to ensure Cross doesn't kill him?"

Nea shrugged, washing the bowl in a nearby sink. "Nah, Allen is a pretty resourceful guy; he can handle it."

Tyki grabbed his lighter from the ground and withdrew a cigarette from his pocket. He lit up the cancer stick, inhaled, and slowly released the smoke towards the shrieking smoke alarm, "Yeah…maybe you're right."

"Of course I am; I'm always right," Nea shot back snottily before demanding, "Well, don't just stand there! Make yourself useful and turn that blasted thing off! It hurts my ears!"