An Open Letter.

The first ten minutes of my day are the best. Before I can remember, Before the pain and loneliness settles back into my bones.

Wherever you are I hope you know that I will, I do, And I am Missing you.

My urge to protect you from anyone that could hurt something as gold as you is massive. I want to ruin anyone who so much as scratches your surface. You maybe be a little tarnished but you still shine.

I may be drunk, But I think I am falling in love with you. And I am terrified.

I like his hands. I do not know what is happening but I am falling into a pit of happiness.

The most fucked up thing the universe ever did to me was giving me the love of my life at the wrong time.

It has been four years and you still have never told me why.

I hope seeing me with another man made your stomach churn with all the thoughts of what we could have been

I trust you. I just do not trust you with my heart.

It is incredible to me that you can think you know someone for a decade and then one day you open your eyes and realize that they have faded into a silhouette of the person you once knew.

I couldn’t count the hours of sleep I have lost because of you. I couldn’t count the amount of tears that have rolled down my cheeks because of you being selfish. I lost track of how often I lose my temper with you. It would be impossible to count the amount of smiles you have placed on my lips. There isn’t a number big enough to measure all the laughs that have escaped me due to your actions. The amount of time that has been lost since you came into my life is unknown. But the amount of sun that has broken through the grey clouds that covered my skies has left me sun kissed.

You slipped into my life with such ease that I didn’t even notice it happening… I find myself losing track of seconds, minutes, hours… Days… My head is so wrapped up in you that I float through my life in a dizzy haze. You were never supposed to become second nature, but I need you like the air that I breathe

i don’t do things half assed. Whether its relationships, conversations or work. If I’m going to put energy into something I am going to dive head first. For me, Life isn’t a cold pool, you can’t stand there and dip your toes in until you adjust. You dive in, head first and sink deeper and deeper into the unknown. I do not have the time nor energy to play games. If you want me, you’re going to get all of me. At once. I don’t do complicated, and I will not wait around. There are too many oceans for me to swim in.

You are everywhere. You are there when I get to the bottom of my strawberry milkshake. You’re walking down the street with me at 4am when I get hungry. You’re in the grocery store grabbing tubs of cottage cheese. You are in my kitchen dancing with me. You are in my shower, covered in bubbles and laughing at me for slipping. You are beside me in the car, yelling at me to keep my feet off the dash. You are laying beside me, telling me “to get in your spot” You are in every sunset I see. You are there every time I hear a white stripes song. You are there calming me down through every panic attack. You’re still with me in everything I do. Every where I go. And I hate it. I hate it because you’re not really there. You live inside my chest and my head. My thoughts of you are nothing but memories and I am constantly ripped back to those times of the past. You are not here, but you are. You haunt me. You live in my body and no matter how long I shower and scrub my skin raw your finger prints still linger. No matter how much I wash my hair I still smell you in it. No matter how many times I hit my pillow there is still a mark from where you head once was. You haunt me. You have become my ghost.

My soul has always been restless and the space between your neck and shoulder was the first place I have ever called home.

I laid in bed wrapped around another mans body all night but my mind kept drifting back to you.