gla·​cier

usually, haechan would walk directly toward your living room, but you’re still holding the door. haechan attempts to put one foot forward, but you are doing all your might to block his way.

“i was busy.”

“bullshit.”

“i can’t be busy now?”

“it’s 11 pm.”

“i can’t go beyond that?”

“you never work at this hour.”

“i have a lot of…”, you turned your head at the back, attempting to look at your surrounding to salvage your excuses but miserably failed. fuck, a deer caught in the headlights. "stuff.”

“holy shit.”, haechan exclaimed. “you’re really bad at this.”

“jesus, fuck! what do you want?”

“i wanna be with you.”

maybe if you were really not into your best friend who has a way with his words, you would completely laugh it off. but no, you were dumbfounded, hopeful, and taken aback.

“what?”

“said i wanna be with you.”

you just stared at haechan. could he possibly be…?

“who’s gonna take care of you, huh? who’s gonna be there when you trip on the sidewalk when you’re shitfaced? who’s gonna buy you dinner when you refuse to move until you finish your work?”

you tilted your head and leaned against the doorframe. your faces are just inches away from each other. haechan cupped your cheeks until he reached down your chin. “who’s gonna wipe your tears away when you’re sad, hmm?”

your lips ajar, trying to comprehend what he had just said. haechan lee just might have listed down the things he would willingly want to continue doing with and for you. and your heart might just have liked every bit of the sound he uttered.

“so… are you gonna let me in or what?”, haechan stared intently at your eyes. you just wanted this moment to last longer. this close, this proximity, you hope it gets a little closer. your gaze grazes on his plump lips, and it takes a lot of your courage right now to not kiss him.

“oh, yeah.”, you opened the door wider and haechan took a few steps forward, almost reaching the center of your living room.

but his steps faltered when his phone rang.

haechan stood just there and answered.

“yeah, yeah, yeah. just stay there. i’m coming.” — these were the words you heard, and in a heartbeat, he was on his way to finding the exit.

“but you just dropped by, haech…?”

“sorry. she needs me.”

“she?”

“oh, yeah. i’ll introduce you to her.”, haechan did not even spare looking at you. he was just texting on his phone, a bit in a hurry. “she’s a keeper. you’re gonna love her.”

you felt your heart sink but your feet did you no justice; you followed him like a little kid full of wonder and questions. and when your stop reaches back to your door, he slowly turned around and said:

“please don’t… don’t leave me ever again.”, haechan bit his lip. you can see how his eyes glisten, almost teary-eyed. “you’re my everything and more.”

there you saw haechan go. slipping through your fingers, just when you thought you had wrapped him around your finger just like what you are for him.

and you might just have another excuse to continue distancing yourself from the things he made you feel special and needed, and everything and more. no more trouble because the answer was plain and simple all along:

haechan was sitting on the bus, two more stations until his next stop. then you hopped on the ride, and swear to god, you were the most beautiful person his eyes ever laid onto. you sat near him, and if haechan could actually burn holes behind your head, he thinks it probably would have happened.

then you suddenly gasped.

haechan, all alarmed, was waiting for your next move. he saw a man walking forward, looking for an occupied seat. he can see you were slightly panicking. you looked at every possible vacant seats, most of them were occupied. until you saw haechan’s, the other one being available.

you got up from your sit, backward facing the man whom haechan is most curious about is still looking for a vacant. then haechan starts to realize that you are coming in his direction.

you hurriedly sat down next to him, and haechan swears his heartbeat doubled and his heartbeats were beating so loudly, a person could hear if the air conditioner was not turned on.

haechan saw you desperately keeping your head down. your eyes closed, almost so forcefully. you let your hair do all the hiding, too.

then all of the sudden, “are you okay?” he said.

you jolted at the sound of his voice. haechan starts to panic as well.

“sorry, sorry!” haechan shook both of his hands open. i didn’t mean to—”

“could you pretend we’re together for a bit?”

haechan, who was confused, asked. “like boyfriend?”

“yes!” you whispered loudly. haechan saw the man looking at where you are seated. he starts coming on both of your direction, your eyes were still closed and your head still facing down, haechan figured it was time to do it.

so haechan extended his arm and wrapped it around your shoulders. you leaned toward him. it felt warm, just right, haechan thought. but he could still feel you were tensed.

he asked, “is this… tell me if you’re uncomfortable, okay?”

“okay.” a faint voice he heard. haechan couldn’t help but to smile. on the other hand, the man is already set on his seat, a bit farther from where you are both.

haechan did not tell you that the man is not looking anymore, he does not know why, but he felt like you needed this the most right now. so he just let you be. hell, he did not even ask you why. he just straight-up trusted you. being such a simp gets him into deep shit sometimes, he realized.

haechan looked at the window and figured this was his stop. you, who is still bit shuddering, noticed he is reaching his bag while his arm is still wrapped around your frame. you looked at him and said, “can i… can i go with you?”

he no longer asked why. fuck it, haechan thought.

he removed his arm around you and he let you stand up while the bus is still moving, almost near the next station. haechan put his backpack on his shoulder and followed your gestures. and when the bus stopped, you slowly headed toward the exit while your head is still facing down. when haechan noticed you were near where the man was seated, he hurriedly followed you and walked clumsily. he did it to get the man’s attention to focus only on him, and not yours.

once you exited the bus, the wind slightly danced and grazed its touch on your face. the sun hit your pretty features, and haechan was again, starstrucked.

“thank you, oh gosh.” you said with a relief. “thank you, thank you!”

“it’s okay…” haechan chuckled. “can i ask why, if it’s… okay?”

“he’s my ex-boyfriend.”

“oh?”

“oh.” you copied him. he thought it was silly—a cute silly.

“yeah, he cheated on me and i kind of slapped him in the face, so…”

“oh.”

“yeah…”

you noticed his features. to you--this unnamed cute boy--had tanned skin. his body frame looks huggable, which was proven earlier, by the way. he is a bit taller than you but you would not mind looking up just to see him laughing while his head falls down because of embarrassment.

but shit. you have to go back to reality now.

“ah, shit!” you looked at your wristwatch. “i have to get to class. i’m sorry i—”

“it’s good! it’s fine.” haechan said. “happy to help.”

you moved a bit forward from the waiting bus shed and called for a cab. when the car stopped and your things were placed inside, you spared one last glance at haechan and said, “thanks, boyfriend. you look… good, by the way. hope you know that.”

haechan blushed. he reached for the cab’s door and closed it. and when the cab started hitting the road, haechan was left on the sidewalk, muttering shit!

he forgot to ask your name.

“and that’s why haechan’s the stupidest person to ever!” mark raised his voice, almost singing it in a happy tune. “exist!”

jaehyun and johnny laughed along. haechan looked defeated. even though he never got your name, it was still his favorite story in the world. it could have been his “and kids, that’s how i met your mother!” story, almost qualifying to how endearing his grandparents' and parents’ love stories were like, a one-of-a-kind—but the universe had other plans for the resident simp.

and so it did.

haechan, who came from the subway and headed toward the bus waiting shed, stood and listened to his morning playlist. he opened his can of orange juice to start his day. he did kind of struggle, though. the juice started flowing on the floor, making his black shirt a bit damp. he looked around to only see a garbage bin and an empty vending machine that could have had a pack of tissue.

then his eyes landed across the bus waiting shed.

there was you, eyebrows scrunched as if you were also trying to see who was on the other side.

and when you realized it was him, haechan started waving his free hand like a little kid. like, who the fuck cares if his clothes and other hand were now sticky, right?

you smiled, almost so beamingly, so lovingly.

—

and just like any other romantic new york films, you strolled around the city. “it never sleeps, doesn’t it?” you said. doyoung smiled at your most typical pun to describe new york.

you pulled him into the middle of times square. it’s like you mutually agreed to be children and be fools, spun around the center of it, ignoring the people rushing towards their own ways. the flashy screens almost looked like solid colors as you two spun. and when doyoung couldn’t keep up any longer, you both giggled of how foolish this would look like from afar.

“we’re tourists, anyway!” he said. “besides, we never go here from time to time… right?”

“yeah, we don’t.” you answered while staring at his loving face being illuminated by the flashing lights. it suited him; the fame, the camera flashes—these things that he had always dreamt of.

doyoung never removed his hand from yours. there were times he did slip, but he immediately found yours again as he was done trying to figure out how the subway ticketing works and when he was desperately calling for those yellow cabs. you sometimes would remove yours so you could hold your phone and search for your next destination. after putting it down and figuring out where to go, he reaches for your wrist to find his hand back to where it belonged for the past few hours.

you loved how your hand fits with his. how warm it was in the midst of the breeze and chilly night. but sometimes, you would look away when he talks to you—the way it becomes so endearing to feel what its like to be held by doyoung was too much, almost convincing—your eyes would then just out of nowhere start to get teary. but you hold it in; you held the tears back. you wanted this night to be perfect as any love fool would have hoped for with their silly little crush.

“you!” doyoung, seemingly intoxicated by the moment he swore was magical. “let’s take a photo together, yeah?”

he brought out his phone and you snatched it away from him. you gestured he should stay still where he stands, “i’ll take a picture of you!” you exclaimed.

“sure!”, and there he goes—his gummy-teeth smile; your favorite; then appeared. you can tell the genuine joy surrounding him. “yeah, you look good!” you raised a thumb, signaling the shots are still going on. you can’t help but to admire, really.

new york loves you, doyoung. you thought.

and i love you.

he ran back to you and swiped across the images. like a giggly kid. he said, “let’s ask someone to take our pictu-”

“one last stop.”, you interrupted doyoung. “you have to try this. i swear, you’ve never been to new york if you missed this!”.

“but-”

“let’s go! they close pretty early, i think.” you once again grabbed his hand. it would be pretty suck if you didn’t, especially this particular time around.

—

and so you brought doyoung to this famous steak house. you ordered the usual, the steak and the wining combo, that kept you almost sane whenever you fly to new york for work. he liked his steak medium rare, and you laughed at how ridiculous it sounded. you liked yours pretty cooked, almost burnt. nevertheless, it's his preference. you love him either way.

you both sat in silence while waiting for your food to arrive. you kept your distance close to him. your arms grazes with his as you were beside together. you wanted to remember every touch, every feeling that is soon will be a blurred, distanced memory.

you snapped back to reality when doyoung called your name.

“spill.”, he said.

“just thinking about… this.”

“oh.”

“yeah.”

“i have something to tell you-”

suddenly, plates were presented on your table. the look and the smell coming from new york’s finest steak is mesmerizing enough to dismiss the often unfinished business. who would not love a perfect food after a perfect night?

then the wine starts pouring and glasses clink. did i tell you that upbeat jazz music is a usual in new york? it is also usual for people to randomly sway into the beat of it.

“oh! it’s like begin again!” doyoung pointed at the diners who are starting to get up in their seats. people started humming and dancing in the middle of the restaurant.

you stood up and doyoung is already thinking what you are thinking.

“no, it’s embarrassing!”

“what happened to “we’re tourists”, doie?”, doyoung smiled at the nickname. “grab my hand, will you?”

doyoung reached for your hand while the other held his glass of wine. you successfully dragged him into the middle despite his pushing and pulling, and whining, of course. old couples and new lovers flocked the space. and there were the two of you, not knowing what kind of dance you two would pull off.

then it just clicked. your bodies swayed like it was lured into the beat. doyoung’s eyes never left yours. he sipped from his drink if he gets the chance to stop. you didn’t mind about the heartbreak you were going to pull off as the night ends, you just danced and danced until…

until his head was on the crook of your neck.

everyone was jumpy into the now upbeat jazz music. but the both of you swayed a little slow to now still. the world seemed stopped running, and so did time.

you couldn’t help but to let out a little sob. this has not been in your plan. but you let him stay here with you. the clock’s ticking and it’s all coming into an end. but you didn’t want it to end after all, but you had to—because you and doyoung both know this should meet the last pages of its final chapter.

you felt a damp on your back. he had spilled some of the wine on your top. he quickly removed his body from yours when he realized.

“sorry. sorry, i-”

“it’s okay, doie.” his eyes light up whenever you call him doie. “having fun?”

“this is the best day of my life, you.”

“trust me, doyoung. i know.”

—

you left the restaurant, now calming from its highs, and you asked doyoung, “can i hold your hand?”

he immediately locked his fingers with yours and swayed them like a little kid while walking. he seemed in a hurry, and you purposely slowed down the pace. “i’m quite tired, doyoung. but the good kind, i promise.”, you said.

“sure. besides…”

“besides?”

“we’re in the most beautiful city in the world. let’s savor this moment delicately, huh?”

his hotel was just around the block, and you hated how that coincidence rushes the expected pang that is about to hit your chest any minute now. as you reached the final crossroads, the stoplight counts down.

59, 58, 57, 56, 55…

you were scared you were going to think about this moment every now and then. you are terrified you were always going back to square one, the regressions, the pain and the hopelessness that will shower your thoughts for the next days, weeks, months, and so even years and beyond.

letting go of your first love would never come easy, they said. you wanted to hold doyoung’s hand for the rest of your life like the way he did to yours just now. but his heart never belonged to anybody else, and not even yours.

he never answered your confession. doyoung eagerly tried to act nonchalant and treat you as his friend. and so you did, but it would be hypocrite to say you were completely fine. and as much as this magical night had brought you happiness, the immense pain of this what if will forever be buried in your heart.

your heart started to ache as the stoplight counts down from 10. once that green light lit…

“oh, that’s our hotel, right?” doyoung pointed. “but where should we go next? there must be something else around here. i read some before we flew-”

“playtime’s over, doie.” you said. you tried your best to conceal your heartache but the faint smile on your face says otherwise. but it’s the best for the both of you, and especially for you.

“it’s still early, isn’t it? it’s just 12?” doyoung rambled with the questions. “are you tired? we can visit more places tomorrow-”

“i checked out this early afternoon, doie.”

“what do you mean?”

you casually removed your hand from his.

“remember the night when we stayed up late and we listed down our own bucket lists? i may have crossed the last thing on that paper.”, you chuckled but your eyes were starting to get blurry. then tears slowly started running down on your cheeks. you tried your best to look away and not face him like this, but it was alright. it is indeed hard to say goodbye to your first love.

“so we went to new york, and he was the person i’d want to go with because i’ve been… i’ve been dreaming for the past few months i’d bring my first love to my favorite place in the whole world. and i held hands with him, doie—for the rest of the night! suddenly, riding the subway felt like the movies; as he said, it felt like begin again, doie. we played like little kids running around the goddamn times square, and good god, it was beautiful, it was magical.”

doyoung knew right away he was the one you were referring to. he clearly knew how you felt towards him. the bucket list had his name written all over the place.

he took one step forward and you took three steps back.

“stop-”, you took a deep breath. this was all too much. you wanted to end it at this point. you could no longer live a lie that you can live beside him because your broken heart will never mend nor heal. this does not have to end bittersweet. you did not want to be swept away by the idea he held your hand so tightly like he never wanted to let go; but all this time, he never said how he really felt towards you.

“wait-” he tried reaching out once more and you stepped back a little further.

“just… just stay there, doie. please?”

and there was doyoung, standing in front of you. just as beautiful as ever. and there was your favorite city, you and doyoung’s version of new york, at the back; picture perfect.

“i want to remember you this way, doyoung. this night, and you… you were a good dream.” you sobbed in between faint smiles. “and in the morning, i have to wake up and recall your beautiful face from now and then until you finally become a faint memory.”

then you looked at him once more because you were never going home. you eventually planned everything all along—before you leave, this was the last trip you would ever do with the person you would hate leaving behind. you did not want your last memory would become him and stealing glances and seeing him liking someone else. this night was it; you were contented. you are happy. you’ve crossed the bucket list.

“so i…” you finally take the last steps towards him. “i thank you for playing all along.”, you chuckled. “for making this dream come true, that, well, turned out better than what i had in mind.”

his eyes were trying to find yours, but you couldn’t stare at them any longer. yours found their way on his hands. “i’m sorry, but,

can i… can i hold your hand before i go?”

he immediately held yours; this time, it was tight. he intertwined his fingers with yours that fit so perfectly and just fine. you could tell he’s pleading to not go, but seeing him only now brings pang to your chest. after all, this night was made to be perfect because you did not want your first love to end harshly.

but doyoung would not want to let go. and you tears started to roll on your cheeks once more. “you have to let me go now. it’s gonna be okay. and… and you’re gonna be okay, doie. and i will, too.”

“why?”

“because you don’t love…” and the truth is starting to taint this perfect dream. “just let me have this one, doyoung. let me have this perfect ending; to this fairytale, yeah?”

you cupped his cheeks and stared at those eyes of his once more, “i love you in all ways and any ways, doie.” you reached for his hands once again and held them tightly. and you kissed him on the cheek; so you could be now contented and close this chapter of your life.

and doyoung stood there as he watched you go, disappearing from the streets of his and your version of new york.

--

doyoung has been standing in the cold for about four minutes now.

if he could only just... speak, then this night would have been a hit in every children's literature; the happily ever after, the prince and the damsel in distress turned happiest and luckiest.

but then he started walking, and his pace became quicker. now, he was running.

he was running to say that he loves you for the very first time in years. would be saying it is a big deal, but you leaving his life forever would shatter his future plans. he never saw the person's face in his dreams until tonight. it was you all along, and he was running and panting in whichever direction he might have thought you would've walked through.

and it was not so far away when he saw you calling for a cab. you opened the door, sat, and the wheels were already ready to go.

but you heard a shout from behind, a "wait!" that is so loud, it echoed the empty, lonely street; an unhappy version of your new york where doyoung does not live in.

doyoung desperately shouted again, chasing like a child who chased his mother when she first dropped him off at kindergarten. and when the cab stopped on its tracks, doyoung abruptly stopped his running, too.

the door opened, and there was you standing on the ground, one hand clinging to the car's door frame and the rest of your body titled in front of his direction. doyoung stared at you and tilted his head a bit, looking for your face, your eyes.

"i...", doyoung started.

and a smile slowly crept on your face.

"i know, doyoung. you just have to cast the spell and i'll be yours."

and so doyoung did and he swore, that moment, was magical.