Soular

It’s such a confusing thing. For part of me wants nothing more than to be in his arms forever. The other part wants him to stay as far away as possible. I am smart enough to know what is detrimental to me. And yet, I yearn for it. What is it? Surely it’s not broken dashboards, manipulation, screaming, belittling, pulling me down the stairs. It can’t be the name calling or the fear or the resentment. Maybe it’s the promises. Of love. Of respect. Of sacrifice, compromise, safety. Maybe it’s the comfort of knowing what to expect, but hoping it could be better. Surely I would know he could never live up to the grandeur that was promised to me. I think some part of me believes I am deserving of the treatment I receive. I did provoke him, after all. I could’ve been calmer, kinder. But that wouldn’t have helped, I know that. There has never been true possibility that the outcome could be something different. I could be quiet and assume my role as the supporting female in the wonderful world built by this man. Or I could speak up and be confident and refuse to be controlled, and end up alone again. And I know I will not be controlled. So really, I could have prevented this by just being smart. Intuitive. Logical. Why must I cave to the folly of my heart’s desires? What did I think would be waiting on the other end of those vows?

I want him to fully grasp the consequences of his violence, but to him, it will always be me. For he is the breadwinner. The mastermind. The hard worker. The man. And I am the cleaner, the fall back, the bail out, the failure. Maybe he does love me, in his own way. Why can’t his behavior follow suit? Nobody deserves to be treated the way he did unto me. But I also want to believe that nobody should be ripped away from that which he loves. I want to think he can be worthy of me, or anyone. But the torn and bruised part of me that he inflicted, wants to think that he deserves to rot in his loneliness.

How fickle is my heart. My mind, intuition, logic. It’s not to be trusted. Trust no one. Not even myself. What a confusing thing it is. To love and to hate, to have and to let go. It turns the mind into a battlefield with no purpose and no resolve. Just war for the sake of turmoil. I sometimes wonder if there will ever be peace. Now, later, or beyond the gravestone. Internal torment is an exhausting way to exist. Maybe this time I will be strong enough to follow the path of least despair. Maybe I will bury my heart and stifle my desires and listen to reason and experience.

Broken dashboards

I gave you everything and you took it

Turned it into a glass heart and broke it

So I made more and I gave you those too

You gave me broken dashboards and scars that don’t heal

Young and stupid and making excuses

For Lustful passion and false muses

Jumping off ledges because you wanted it

And climbing back up just to do it again

The wheel was broken but I kept it spinning

With each false promise came the hope of winning love

And I thought it was real because it’s what you told me

But time and again I wasn’t the only one

And you held me but not gently

I gave you everything and you took it

Turned it into a glass heart and broke it

So I made more and gave you those too

You gave me broken dashboards and scars that don’t heal

Taking steps forward is all too slow

When deceit and violence are all I’ve ever known

The steel gates guarding my heart are unbroken since then

And not even I can open them

There’s loneliness in healing from heartache

The field is just battle tactics and war tanks

New prospects are quickly disregarded

Not them nor I can provide what I need

Because I don’t know how it’s supposed to be

Or what it really feels like to be happy

And I guess I’ll keep trying and falling again

Until maybe I can learn to find trust in a friend

And you held me but not gently

I gave you everything and you took it

Turned it into a glass heart and broke it

So I made more and gave you those too

You gave me broken dashboards and scars that won’t heal