iām here again because one of you told one of the girls who goes to my german class that i was on tumblr. will tumblr ever stop haunting me? never probably.
anyway, that got me wandering back to my posts and gosh golly goose. how i write, how naked i was for all of you and now iām wondering if i ever made you feel naked too? iām pretty sure iāve told you before why i write as so. people always say to try to be mysterious. but iāve always hated that. i see a person i like on the internet or IRL, i want to know everything about that person. so since i canāt quench my thirst every time, i try to quench yours, maybe even if you didnāt ask for it.Ā
but iām cheesing as i read through my posts. the last person i have been writing about, heās still in my life, i actually married him this year. :)
wow, weāve come a long way, havenāt we? youāve seen me through almost everything. from high school, saying iāll save myself for marriage, i got to college, shaved all my hair off, got a job, then i fucked half of my city. youāve seen me find and lose and find and lose myself so many times. it was so messy. it was so awkward. and so so painful. but i donāt really regret anything. and weirdly enough, through it all, iāve never deactivated this blog. never saw the point in it.Ā
and i wonāt.
this will be here until the ends of the world. iām writing to you now as a formal goodbye, a lil thank u for reading. i just really wanted someone to read what i had in my mind, words always overflowed, there was always place here for all my words. no matter how deep or shallow they were. all the silly reblogs and quotes will stay. i have about 9,000 things here. thatās insane. i was a little shit and very problematic at some point but they will stay here, because they were still important. iām not sure why but they are. the only thing i ask of you though, is to never use anything i have said here against me. it would just be weird because i was such a different person when i was here before.Ā
i hope i have at least inspired you to live a little more. because thatās what i always aimed for. thatās what my mom always said when she wrote dedications to me, to march to the beat of my own drum, to paint the town red, to live life to the fullest. lil cliches but it was nice growing up to that. i thought it was a usual thing people tell each other but not really. we just tell each other to take care. so trivial.Ā
iāve always wondered before, when i was going to stop writing here. what my last post would be. now iām writing this and it feels like this is it. goodbye feels right for this. so. yeah. iāve recently, just so very recently got into instagramĀ (https://www.instagram.com/z________y_______/), so you can follow me there if you want to. but i donāt think iāll be here again. so yeah.
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the past week has been eventful and insane (to say the least). my brain melted when i tried ayahuasca then my boyfriend had a minor surgery on his leg and two days after that i had a third molar taken out (which is such a bitch because i had no problem growing the first three and was completely gloating when my friends had theirs taken out thinking, iām not going to go through that ha ha ha ha ah, fuck. the last one betrayed me. it grew during my stay in osaka and i remember thinking three months later in bangkok WHY ARE U STILL TINY. then the x-ray showed Ā it looked like and it wasnāt tiny, i was just seeing a part of it, it looked like it was just a sleeping baby tooth but it had to be taken out. good thing i found a nice japanese dentist whose presence was so nice. i no longer needed to consider medical toursim to bangkok.Ā
it was cut into four parts unlike the original plan which was just two. the dentist told me she had to cut not only my gum and the sleeping toothy but also my bone. i was quite nervous the whole time because iāve never had a surgery my whole life. i told leon (who is now a good friend) and he knew about the shit iāve gone through since i started traveling from getting very sick in osaka and he found me the best doctor in japan to getting bitten by a poodle when i was in songkhla and then getting into a really bad motorbike accident last month in kep (i only tweeted about it but it was so bad, my leg is fucked up and shit and i am still actually recovering from it) and now this god damned tooth that started to have pericorinitis the week before. leon said iām totally living my life since i started to get out of my country.Ā true, itās hell but worthwhile.
Ā last saturday, i tried fasting. another thing crossed off the list calledĀ āthings i find unnecessary and i will never ever NEVER ever ever do uuggghhh noooppppeeeeeeeeā like i know people who do this to ālisten to their bodyā and to ārestart their body after overeating and drinking to the brink of alcohol poisoning with zyā but i always thought itās not for me, iām all into zen but i am foremost a hedonist. itās complicated. anyway, my boyfriend has somehow persuaded me to try ayahuasca with him. he has this fortuneteller friend originally from new york but has actually been living here for years and she hooked us up with Ā this shaman from south africa. we met him a few days before that and i was expecting some chill dude maybe around 50 or 60 years old but we get to his apartment and heās barely 30 and white but a chill dude nonetheless, he briefed us on what would happen and i pretty much knew everything because my boyfriend showed me jan kounenās documentary about it but he also warned us not to eat shit like stinky tofu and that people sometimes literally shit themselves during the trip. honestly, i have no problems with ralphing, i even got us a really cute bucket from daiso for it but shitting, iām not so sure so i was determined to fast. nothing is coming out of my butthole, bruh. i planned to fast starting friday, a day before the ceremony but i was making my boyfriend lunch and i watched him eat as usual and i was like FUCK IT, FEED ME and he did and i was like WHY WOULD YOU FEED ME I TOLD YOU I WAS FASTING so it was really bad so i ate when he left and then joined him for dinner that night telling me i could just fast on the day and besides, iām tiny. the next day was spent daydreaming about food and also panicking. i have never tripped balls in my life because iām boring, i like being sober, i donāt understand the appeal of drugs (iām probably that one student schools successfully veered from them after countless times of showing us āinformativeā statistics). but i was convinced ayahuasca would be good for me because it helped you out a lot to figure out your shit and iād have visions that would be good for my art. i made my boyfriend promise me to take me out for mexican food the next day. the next thing i know, his friend he met through work and also his brodate was in front of our building and we had to wear something over or underwear and we had to gooooo.
we arrived at the shamanās apartment and it was going to be five of us. me, my boyfriend, his boy friend, the shaman, and his roommate who is a kickboxer who just broke his hand from punching his hand too much at a fight some days ago. there was a table with incense sticks and all sorts of offerings from the kickboxer dudeās gloves to ice cream-flavored oreos then 10 cups of green and then brown concoctions, itās THEM. they talked a little bit and i was like so very, very quiet because i was freaking the fuck out, mostly wanting to choke my boyfriend because he has once again gotten me into something that made me want to hide from the world. but obviously itās a good thing, iāve done tons of things iād never do if i were alone. like, learn how to bike, trek in the jungle, consider anal. things like that.
we were on time so we started on time at six in the evening, just as the sun was setting and the sky was bruised and then slowly and then suddenly dark. we each had incense and the shaman knelt in front of the table and we stood around. i didnāt look at my boyfriend because i thought iād laugh, i was so deathly, nervous. weirdly enough, i donāt remember exactly what i was so nervous about. but i was freaking out, there i was, in fucking cambodia about to trip balls among four white guys holding a damn incense WHAT THE FUCK ARE MY ADVENTURES IN LIFE EVEN. bear, the shaman told us we could pray to the spirits who are going to guide us during it. then suddenly my nerves calmed down, i felt like it was going to be great, iād drink these concoctions from trees from the universe and itād be like being one with the universe. in my head, i told them hello, itās me, please help me organize my brain and show me wonderful things for my art, please donāt make it too intense for me to handle, i think you know what i mean.Ā then we had to gulp down the first concoction first which was brown, which was (from my understanding) supposed to be an inhibitor so the dmt in ayahuasca could take effect. then we had to sit down and wait 15 minutes. i felt okay and didnāt feel like puking. i was like, cool, this is going to be great. i donāt even know why i would puke. ahhhh, going to be one with the universe. then we finally had to drink ayahuasca. my boyfriend had to take more doses because he thinks heās not easily affected by these and heās a lot bigger than i am so ok. then we had to sit down again and just wait for it. there was a part of the room where there candles for spirits but also there was a painting of a black cat on a papyrus, most likely from egypt and it looked like we were worshipping the cat. i called her neferkitty and they giggled. then bear shut all the lights and blew out the candles and i could only see the tvās red light.Ā
i started to feel little tingles in my body, the same tingles i get when i toke and something actually happens. it felt good, like an orgasm all over the body but the same time, really mellow. then something told me, youāre going to meet fairies! and then there wasnāt any lights at all and it seemed like i was in outerspace with just the stars. and i just looked at the red light and then it started getting bigger and bigger and then shifted to different patterns like snowflakes. then i closed my eyes. and i started to slow down and i could feel the earth moving and then i stayed still but everything around me moved from left to right and then round and round like i was in an amusement park ride. i suddenly felt like puking. oh, hell no. then everything calmed down and i saw kaleidoscopic visions of aliens in nature, completely like a tumblr lsd post. and i sat back and i just watched and told myself, ok here we go. then i could feel the chants. my visions melded with the chants. i could feel the chant passing by my skin it went ngyahngyahngyah and i could feel it carrying me and zigzaging on my back and it felt so good. i tried to open my eyes but then i felt my brain melting and the reality and the visions were trying to melt with each other.Ā i felt the very strong need to close my eyes, like i was incredibly sleepy and i just wanted to be left alone. then i was suddenly in a little train taking a tour of a candy factory and everything was a cartoon. then i stopped in front of these machines that were spewing paint and some of them had faces and they were puking and the next thing i know i opened my eyes and felt something coming up my throat and tried to barf on the cute bucket we had but keyword: tried. my boyfriend was rubbing my back and i was puking and was super aware i was so loud. but i was trying to open my eyes and everything was fucking with me. i tried to look at my puke inside the bucket but it turned into the moon and then it smiled at me. fucking hell. i just wanted to get over with. i was in a fetal position and it was very gago. how could anyone need to shit in that state. i could barely move my body, it was like i was heavily roofied and trapped in honey. i would barely stumble to the toilet. i was purging but i felt the need to at least hold my boyfriendās hand. he held my hand tightly and i felt like i was ready for anything. i tried to go back to reality but it was like swimming back up the ocean for water to no avail. i just had to give it up. whenever i tried to think or remember something, it messed up the visions and it gave me a hard time and i just had to surrender. then there were the fairies.Ā
they looked like baby plants with faces and they always smiled, the kind of smile wise people have, like they know something (which i theorize is: itās okay and itās gonna be okay, youāre cool, just chill). they never spoke to me but just sent messages telepathically. i had bad visions, just as they warned. it was scary but it actually not. it was just meant to be scary to maybe 7 year olds. my visions were like a 7 year oldās brain on cocaine. something rummaged through my brain, even the ones that i tried to not think about when iām sober. it sorted everything. it showed me things like, oh you have an issue with this, this is what you do, youāre fine, donāt worry. it kept going on like that until it even said OK what else are u hiding here and i was like, sure just go ahead look around. and i just completely surrendered. i had visions of wonderful things that could be art but the more i tried to remember them or think, it completely messed it up so i just let it be. i remember the fairies explaining to me how the universe was created though they warned me it was too complicated to comprehend and it didnāt matter anyway. then they just guided me around my brain and it felt so familiar like i was always visiting a place. and there were feelings i didnāt have a name fore and i was speaking a language iāve never heard of. it was like a codex seraphinianus of my brain. the fairies told me, look at how beautiful you are, your mind is so beautiful. all the while, my boyfriendās hand was my only anchor to reality. it was good because there were times i was questioning what was real. then they finally showed me how wonderful our relationship was, that he was my person and i was asking for him for a very long time and that i shouldnāt waste this. i started crying because it was so beautiful.Ā
i barely remember the visions and theyāre fragments now. like the time i opened my eyes because someone went to the bathroom and there was light and then there was an ayyyy lmao alien and there was one time i looked at my boyfriendās head wasnāt there and another time when it was an odd rectangle. but there were times when i put flowers in the sky and when the drug was wearing off the fairies were saying bye to me and i was crying. it was a really good experience.
everyone kept saying it was a really good trip whenever i told them about it but honestly, i really like being sober better. i became lots paranoid after that though. but, ah, ithink most people should try it at least once.
also to cap off the week, last night, my boyfriend was showing me the photos he took around india and nepal during his first visits there and there were goats and i was talking about how much i love goats and that i would trade him for a hundred baby goats then the next photoās background was a black baby goat with a pink t-shirt on and i started to wheeze and i couldnāt contain myself that i started crying. it wasnāt even just one shiny anime tear but i was ugly crying with snot and shit. in my head i was just thinking about how cute it was and it overwhelmed me. what a nice world to live in where you Ā coexist with baby goats who wear shirts. my boyfriend was laughing the whole time.
a screenshot i sent abby immediately because sheās the only one who understands:
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being in-love means being willing to ruin yourself for another person
this was in someoneās journal before i was born, even before my mom was born. itās so fascinating how someone had the same ineffable feelings like you have now years and years before you were in this planet. and it makes your brain hurt to wonder about your whereabouts before this and moreso to think about the universeās expanse and whatās beyond it.Ā
and then i think itās kind of lovely how we all just have these little worries about these actually trivial things, we get so wrapped up in them that we no longer remember its insignificance and sometimes we hurt each other. then we make each other feel better by making our skins touch and drink fruit and smoke leaves.Ā
most of the time, i just go to this world in my head iāve built with abby where weāre traipsing andĀ holding hands while we carry little sloths like backpacks and they have they own little sloth backpacks, like lala the penguin. not a care in the world.
but iām really here, all alone in this huge apartment for the first time in a long time, i am all alone again. the boy i love had to catch a flight to siem reap this afternoon to film. i sent him on his way and i walked back to the apartment alone and napped. i woke up with this almost deafening silence iām sure i was so used to about a year and so ago. iām used to making dinner for us and then tangling my limbs with his on the couch for the rest of the night until we get up and go sleep in the bedroom. iām so used to it that itās a little weird. i initially was quite unnerved because i didnāt quite know what to do with myself. i listen to camera obscura to match what i feel: sad and lazy. it was a little painful. i have done what i have always done yet again, iāve built my world all around a boy. however, this is one of the things i strongly never want myself to feel guilty about. iāve always thought it was beautiful. in a romatic catherine breillat way, itās indeed devastating. itās somehow like holding something incredibly searing but i canāt seem to let go of it.Ā itās tenderly aching but good for me, because it provokes my writing. i recognize the pain eventually, itās the kind that makes you grow up a little and i welcomed it. and i loved myself even more because this kind of pain could be easily mismanaged. example, i was trying talking to him and he seemed too busy for me and it could have gotten awry but i accepted it, we needed time off each other. and thatās okay and no one has to be careful about offending the other because thereās nothing to be offended about.
the bigger picture is that every night, i fall asleep with his arms around me and iām in my favorite blanket in the whole world and the bed is warm and cold at the same time. i cook everyday and i love it, i ask him sometimes shortly after weāve just eaten if heās already hungry because all i want to do is cook now. our fridge has all different kinds of cheeses and vegetables. lately we keep staying up until the wee hours of the morning because we just keep whispering to each other in the dark and then some little green light from the airconditioner, talking about everything and nothing. i canāt bear ruining something like this.
our relationship is wonderful, of course sometimes itāsĀ taxing but itās okayĀ because weāre fighting because we essentially want to make it work. itās gotten to the point that i barely talk about what i have around my friends because well, itās so boring to hear about. i guess. itās gotten to the point that iām alright with just keeping it between the two of us.
and iām daydreaming about the next countries weāll go to. mostly just living in the cold mountains for a change.Ā
i guess what iām saying is, iām happy with what i have now. and my heart is ok. these are things thatās in my head. itās totally ok to drown yourself in a person if you donāt think thereās anything wrong with it. i refuse to apologize if it seems so deplorable but the opposite if i were a boy.
anyway. what was it that beau teplin said? that my body is not a temple?
temples can be destroyed and desecrated. your body is a forestāthick canopies of maple trees and sweet scented wildflowers sprouting in the underwood. you will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly you are devastated.
itās almost 1 in the afternoon as i write this. i woke up the usual time, right after my boyfriend gets up. then heās in the shower and i get the leftover vegetables from last night and heat them up with scrambled eggs and then some thyme, marjoram and lavender flowers. then placed loaves of rustic bread on the side.
it was the coldest morning iāve had here in this country and it was a little dark outside with some rain and it was quite somber but in a way i liked. we slept really late because our fight lasted until 2 in the morning or so. during breakfast, he kept touching my arm and i looked at his eyes, which were startlingly green today, and my heart wells and warms up because everything is ok again and i love his skin.
when he left for work, i waited for sleep to come back but iām here, feeling like iāve had my usual eight hours of sleep. iām still in this ineffable stupor over yesterday afternoon, when i was filled to the brim with ardor for everything i pined for in this world. i was all alone in the apartment, i was all over the place: writing, painting and walking in circles. i was beside myself. this was one of those fleeting moments when iām so smothered in all my sloppy vigor and i want to do everything all at once: see if i can find the big snail again that i saw by the street when we were walking to a cantina, paint with paints, write, swim in the ocean, bike in front of the palace. and knowing i will never accomplish anything because iām overwhelmed. then i messaged my boyfriend to tell him iām going to his office because i couldnāt bear it anymore and i just wanted to see him. i struggled to put all my hair in a high ponytail and then put on a green shirt and my denim shorts. i felt naked so i put on this large red button down shirt for men that i got in manila ages ago and i pretend itās a coat then i put on my prescription glasses with black rims and the deepest pink lipstick. i made sure i had my ipod on as self-defense against anyone who would try to open their mouth and ruin my day and then proceeded to walk for about fifteen minutes, trying to ignore the bewildered stares. i start longing for big cities again where i wouldnāt be considered an oddity.
i proceeded to enter the lobby and just furtively glanced at everyone and then found my way up to my boyfriendās office. my heart starts beating normally because heās near me. he stops working because iām around and i insist that he continues and i promised to be quiet and drew on the bottom right of his white board a sad cloud. it was about to rain. he gives up and we exit around 6 in the evening. we find a bakery and had bread for a little while and stopped at another place where they serve snacks and we had mashed sweet potatoes and grilled corn. when we went out of there, it was already raining. it was strong but i barely felt it because of my pretend coat and my big hair. but it was messing up my glasses. we find out that where we wanted to go was closed so we proceeded to go home. we were two blocks away when the street was quiet and dark blue and i tried to look at him and rain drops dripped and dropped on my glasses some more and he looked at me too and i tell him i love him. he smiles and i tell him something like i want him in my mouth. and he grins and holds me closer. i tell him, am i not romantic for saying that under the rain?
itās friday again. i woke up as usual today, i hear the alarm on his phone go off and he takes his arm off me to press snooze and he puts his arm around me again but then he pulls me closer and then we fall asleep a little again. then he gets up the next time and iām in a groggy stupor but i feel my heart sinking and i make myself get up a few minutes later. heās in the shower but i knock and he lets me in and we look each other in the eye blankly inscrutable while i pee and heās standing under the shower. itās kind of funny.Ā and then i take eggs out of the fridge and start to wake up faster, iāve began to really love cooking. i crack the eggs and mix herbs and spices and whisk them all together and drop it in the pan. i chop tomatoes and get a handful of cheese. i eventually make an omelette.
iĀ slid it all in one plate and put cilantro on it and heās surprised and asked me,Ā āyouāre not having breakfast with me?ā and i look at him and tell him i want to watch him eat. and i really do. i love him eating all the things i cook. he eats vegetables, especially the greens like theyāre the tastiest ever in the world and he just eats a lot and i find that so endearing. i love watching him put all these mayonnaise and soy sauce and mustard on everything, sometimes itās a bad idea and he still ends up doing it and then finally he admits itās a bad idea, itās amusing nonetheless. the oddest thing he likes to eat is oatmeal with soy sauce and mustard and pickles. heās like a food terrorist. but then there are his eyes too, i have never been so fixated with someoneās eyes this much mostly because i really canāt tell what his eyesā color would be at the moment. they always change. sometimes theyāre brown with specks of gold, sometimes itās just amber, then blue gray but my favorite is when theyāre green. iāve always loved green eyes. then iād start humming green eyes, iād run away with you
then he was finished eating, he got dressed for work but did something unusual thing today, he went to the living room and plopped down the couch so i sat next to him and we got to talk a little bit, that was good. in our little routine thereās still some bit of new things. then he finally had to go to work and my favorite part of this routine was kissing him bye. and then i look at him again and heās so smart and cute, i canāt believe heās my bby.
what a weird question. i'm so sleepy. i want to say yes. yes, kuya, i want to go to ho chi minh. where's the bus? i want to go everywhere, kuya. but i'm home. not really. but i have an apartment here. my clothes are there. my journals, so i guess big chunks of my blithe self. i have a bed there that i so lovingly share with my boyfriend. we'll go to ho chi minh together. share a bĆ”nh xĆØo, toke and make love on a bed in a cheap hotel. listen to thousands of motorbikes zoom, wait for the moon to wane, avoid conversations with other travelers, toke some more maybe. yes, i want to go to ho chi minh but only if my boyfriend is coming with me. i'm broke. but he just got his money from filming, it could get us by. but he's so worried about the plants that we left in our balcony. it was raining on the island that we went to. but weāre not sure if it does in this city.Ā everyday ok not everyday (there was one time we fought) but mostly, i would wake up beaming because i feel his hands on my tummy and itās nice to know someone wants to be with you, sleep with you and feed you your favorite food. itās so easy to make me happy, really.Ā i open my eyes and he's beaming too. and he kisses my face and it's morning and it's raining. we canāt see it but we hear it and soĀ we sleep some more and the rain would be gone when we wake up again and it would be sunny and where our skins touch would be a little clammy. he asks me if i'm hungry and i just move closer to him so he can kiss me, so i can kiss him. he doesn't even have to ask what i want for breakfast, he knows. maybe we'll make love. then we'd get dressed and we'd eat at one of the many unassuming restaurants on the island that were evidently built on art and love. then we'd go for a swim. we'd never stay too long under the sun because he turns pink easily, like a baby shrimp. one time we went to the other side of the island to another beach, where there'd be less people. went went up a mountain and then through the jungle. we've been planning this trip for so long. but a day before we left phnom penh, i told him, we need to be more spontaneous. donāt get me wrong, i love our routines, he comes home from work, i make him dinner and weād be on the couch watching a film. but we had to get out.Ā the next day, he said, pack your bags weāre going. so back to us walking in mud, going over fallen tree branches, going down a cliff of enormous rocks that were probably older than our grandparentās grandparents, he says, is this spontaneous enough for you darling? finally we get to the beach, we walk a little and i walked towards the sea and the next thing i know, he's running behind me naked and laughing. mostly after that, we just swam naked, even with a couple of people around us. he's filmed the sand on my hair, my naked body, and then some. i sit and stand next to plants and he keeps taking photos. i felt like a queen. he'd still want me to hold him even if his skin's been burnt by the sun. during this trip back to phnom penh, i couldnāt sleep in the bus at first because he was so sleepy next to me and he was holding me and it all felt all right. i remembered it was just a few months ago when i was holding myself, so cold and lonely, i begged a girl for a kiss and she just smiled at me sweetly and said, itās just beer, and she went back to sleep. i feel so happy for that rejection, in a weird way. i guess because i sort of know in my heart of hearts iām with this boy not because out of loneliness but because of the push and pull and the white hot and sticky and the loneliness without and the happiness with and the waiting like a puppy for him to get home. honestly, the apartment here doesnāt feel like home really. home is him. sometimes we fight and itās terrible and i cry to my mother because itās so difficult. everyone is so discouraging. but my mother says it will be ok and it will work out and my heart feels lighter. and i go on loving him some more. i wanted to tell him i love him every time we were in the water and all i could see behind him were some islands and the sky and the water were so blue, the kind of blue that would make you long for a person if you were there alone, but i was with him so i felt all the happys flowing and ebbing in my tiny human body and itās intense. and i think to myself, this is what i wanted. what was it that herman hesse said,Ā you say yes to the sunlight and pure fantasies, so you have to say yes to the filth and the nausea. but i didnāt get around to tell him because heād say, thatās enough for me. heās all sweet: red and pink. heās like sunset against the green, maybe surrey.Ā i didnāt get around telling him, i love you, you are home. despite being all clammy, me crying all the time, all these sand flies, no a/c, i am here, i am happy because iām with you. itās a cakewalk but itāsĀ also hella messy. and i love it, as long as youāre with me.Ā
sorry kuya, where were we, i got so carried away. ho chi minh? weird question! weāve just woken up.Ā oh, yes, i want to go to ho chi minh. but some other time. what? ok, thatās your bus. thatās great. but we live here. another time, okay?Ā weāre so worried about the bottle of milk we left, we need to water the plants, we need to go back to our bed. him and me.Ā
the past few days have been kind. i told my boyfriend i was crying about wanting to paint but my paintbrushes were missing so he got me new ones and new paints too.Ā
last saturday, we spent almost the whole afternoon at the dentist and i had an incident with a witch. nighttime came, i was in my pyjamas and he was in his boxers and we counted each otherās teeth so his fingers were in my mouth, mine in his. weāve been watching mostly hitchcock because he wants to know more about cinematography. i donāt remember if it was that night that he was spooning me in our bed and told me he wants to be inside me while we stay still. he took off my clothes and put himself inside me and he was still spooning me and he kissed my nape and my shoulders gingerly. then he held my hands and we stayed still.
i was supposed to meet him some time last week at his office but it rained so i had to go to the coffee shop a block away from his office and the second he steps in the coffee shop it really starting pouring so we decided to skip the indonesian restaurant and just had fries. he held me in the couch and i was supposed to make him listen to a song in my ipod i was so sure he would like but then he told me later and that we can listen to the rain for a little bit. it was nice, i was warm and i didnāt want anything that very moment.
our first night here at our apartment, it was raining really hard and we switched off the lights and went to the balcony and he sat on a chair and i sat on him because he suggested we just listen to the rain. i listened to the rain and felt his breath behind my ear.Ā
i think it was just the other day when he was kissing me at the meeting of my thighs and my eyes rolled to the back of my head and i died a little and screamed and i panted and i tried to dig into his skin with my fingers and the first thing i said immediately after wasĀ āi want to paint!ā
this morning i chopped some garlic and gherkin and mixed them with mayonnaise and whole/grain mustard with a little bit of pepper and lemon juice. fried eggs and ciabatta. rolled onions in flour and deep fried them. some cheese and vegetables. watched him eat. i tell him, i love cooking for you. he said, i love it when you cook for me.
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i got my passport back today from the travel agency, i had my visa extended to 6 more months. yay?
i wrapped myself in my blanket the whole time while i was at the apartment today, it was the only thing i did that comforted me. and i listened to sad songs and curled on the sofa. i wrote and drew a little. i felt so sad but moreso because i couldnāt cry at all. i feel like i just need a big cry. my heart is a lil bit tired.
then my friends picked me outiside of my apartment building. the driver almost ran over someone on a motorcycle and she toppled over. then he just kept going. then i saw next to his seat that his beer was spilling. then my friend said he was drunk then it made sense. then he overcharged us which made my other friend yell at him. then we walked over to the travel agency and it was closed. i said out loud that nothing was going right today. but as if on cue, the owner shows up and says hello. he went inside the office and came back with my visa. tybg. then went back to the cinema and said hi to my former khmer boss. (quit te job a few days ago). and he gave us gifts and we talked a lil bit about his trip in europe and he says he might be moving to berlin. everybodyās moving to berlin. i want to move to berlin.
now i just had dinner with my friends and weāre ignoring each other bc weāre on our phones and i got them hooked on tiny tower. my dinner was crap and it was expensive. we have a great view of the river.
i guess iām not exactly quite sure about what i want to do now. iām a little lost again so iām a wee sad. something should turn up soon enough. i
should just want it enough. send me some love, guys.
iām panicking bc idk whether my bf and i will make it bc itās suddenly an ldr bc he has to fly now to siem reap for work and he thinks iām being dramatic bc heās actually returning tomorrow morning but still u knowā¦. ldr
also since heās flying out tonight, he had to finish a bunch of stuff this afternoon at his office and was giving me short replies and i was like WHY R U SO CRANKY and he was like sending me kissy emojis tellin me heās not cranky and heās just busy and then he said that if i feel that anything was wrong, i should just tell him and heāll calm me down?????? so much assurance and security up in dis bitch and i was like, u r literally the best boyfriend in the world šš½šš½šš½ !! but he was like sad bc he thinks it should be like that and i think itās unusual that he has to be lauded for being nice to me!!!!!!! he was like, oh my poor girl.
but i know that, i just really happy i'm not settling and i have him and itās just going well. weāre kind of moving in together tomorrow night at our apartment. itās quite lovely, itās one whole floor just for us and it has two balconies, one by the living room and one by the kitchen. the kitchen is super decent and iām excited because i get to cook. so happy.
last night i was talking to one of the many friends iāve made while traveling and i told him about how iām staying here in cambodia to live with my boyfriend and he was like, oh iām so sad that your travels have abruptly ended because of love which irked me a bit because thatās not at all the case????? i can still travel and in fact, i will, i have plans. i donāt think life adventures should end bc you found someone really special. @_@
hope u guys are happy right now with ur life 2 :^)
when we were about to close last night, small eyes, my boyfriend, got here and he just shaved. then we headed upstairs with my german friend and another regular customer (the one who used to be a film/ french professor in the states) and we watched a band of outsiders in the cinema. it was nice bc our cinema here has a bunch of mattresses on the floor so i got my blanket from my room and snuggled with him and we were feeding each other popcorn watching a godard film. and he's still so gorgeous as ever!!!! i kept looking away the screen to look at him. i never thought i'd see anna karina on the big screen! afterwards we went to a convenience store nearby and he bought cheese and a lot of crackers and nagaraya bc omg thet have nagaraya????? and soy milk. we ended up drinking with my german friend. how often will i ever say that i opened a bar until 4 am just for my friends and we listened to the whitest boy alive and kings of convenience and craft spells. he kept taking photos of me while i made us drinks. we talked about europe, the films and music there. they talked about germany bc my boyfriend also lived there for a while. we compared what it's like to live in different countries in asia too. we talk about beaches and i'm just dying to go there soon. if only my boyfriend would just stop filming for a bit!!!! then when we were about to sleep he started kissing me and then the next thing i know i had my legs around his head and he already had a little bit of stubble :(((((( this guy makes me so happy, he's everything i could ever want right now.
today i was so stressed because i tried looking for a job online and then ok i found one and i hurtled myself to that thinking iāll be good, iāll be ok, i can do it. then i felt like i couldnāt do it so i gave it up the last minute and i really, really felt like crying. i feel like iāve been used to being so chill (a brat) that i literally do not know how to work. iām quite disappointed in myself but maybe i think it was just too much. omg. i donāt know how to do this. i sound soooooooooooo spoiled and i hate it. itās like playing the part of anĀ āadultā feels like being a crack whore, u do things for money. itās so bad. i was almost in tears and my german friend was like, itās going to get easier. it doesnāt. u just really get used to it. but like, itās so silly. i donāt want to keep starting over so i donāt want to give up but man oh man. itās been a while since iāve been this nega.
yesterday was quite overwhelming too. life. either my friends are getting almost abducted in switzerland or swimming in iran or deciding how to propose to his girlfriend: in paris or on a seaplane over dubai, or crying a lot over their ex who died, or just really wanted to talk to me about japan because theyāre there and iām like no sorry iām not in the mood for that. idk. i think leonās dating a lot these days and itās like, i donāt want to be with him anymore because iām so crazy over my boyfriend but itās like a competition that i didnāt even signed up for. so i hid him on facebook and i just want to focus on me because feeling like that was ok and natural bc we were together but i didnāt want it to affect me. and on top of me being upset over some customers, my boyfriend started to upset me too but didnāt mean to. so he came over to make sure i was okay. i was already ok before he came over but itās always so nice to see his face. i wonder if weāre just physically attracted to each other but i think no because he keeps wanting to get past my walls and talking and talking to me. i keep finding good boys. good job, self.
i really love seeing him smile and when he got here at my bar last night (hahaahaha ang ganda talaga when i talk about my job i sound like i work in a brothel) i was talking to my friends by the bar stools and they thought this man who just walked in just wanted to sit next to us and thought nothing of it but i saw they couldnāt stop staring because idk, heās just so...attractive. with that beard and that jawline and those eyes jesus christ i canāt stop marvelling at my boyfriendās face either. sobrang pogi. then he started asking them if theyāve seen a tiny filipino. burat. and then my german figured it out and freaked out because she was treating him like a customer, handing him out menus and shit. hahaha. it was his first time to go here since weāve been together because i didnāt want him to go here before because my khmer boss liked teasing me and everyone would join in and i would blush like crazy like it was in the first grade and u get loveteamed with ur secret crush. itās just amazing how everyone couldnāt take their eyes off him and then he could banter with this old woman whoās a regular whoās super intelligent like she used to be a french professor and also taught film. and she was unusually friendly to him, when she had to pass by him to go to the lavatory she was like, i hear youāre a cinematographer. hahahaha. so cute. and then we were quiet, sipping wine, listening to music from wagnerās tristan and isolde. how magical was that, i felt so cultured and i am in freakin cambodia with one of the most intelligent people iāve met.
then we went up with my german friend to the cinema upstairs and i made them watch a film by louis malle. but my boyfriend was so exhausted one time he closed his eyes and started snoring so i woke him up from laughing and he started to laugh too because apparently he was still hearing the film and then he also heard himself snore. and u know how i love him esp when he laughs/ smiles bc his eyes crinkle. omg i just typed that i love him.........................
jesus fuck...................................................
anyway. my german friend left when the fantastic film was over and then i forgot how we got to talking about it but he was likeĀ āyou can go with the whole rugby team, if you want (he was so jealous when he learned i went to saigon with cambodiaās rugby team ahahahaha) but iām likeĀ āi donāt like anyone there. why are you giving me away?ā and he saidĀ āiām not giving you away. i just donāt want to restrain you.ā (because i told him about my ways before) oh man, heās so cute. heās probably doing some reverse psychology, i donāt mind though because itās sooooooooo hard to find him and i have no interest in pursuing anyone. itās so hard to find a decent boy here, even if like, puro afams and artsy. then we were falling asleep when he asked me to move in with him????????????????? in that dimly lit cinema and i was in his big arms again and i was so comfy and he asked me if i wanted to move in with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then he finally saidĀ āi donāt really want you to be with the rugby team.....ā haha, baby.
i know itās so early i mean we just started dating like two weeks ago. but my gut isnāt screaming at me that somethingās wrong. all i want to do is fall asleep next to him. i mean heās a good egg. remember how my mom has always told me never be with a man who you canāt handle when heās angry. so when i was telling her about him, she was like, so how is he on his bad days? itās good because i think i calm him down. and when iām upset, he just keeps kissing me and he listens to me. the important thing is that he listens to me and iām not going anywhere if he knows how to listen. heās not all alpha male-y like i expected him to. he just genuinely cares and heās soooooooooooooooooooooo emotionally available. sarap. so weāre doing it. i got more involved in apartment hunting today. ugh, i canāt wait. i just really wanted to find one decent person and just make it work.Ā
everythingās going 2 b ok, i will not be a spoiled brat forever. thank god for abby who keeps me sane everyday.
the other night, my boyfriend picked me up after work and he took me to this reggae bar on a rooftop and he drank dry ginger ale while i had an orange juice with a little bit of vodka. he held me close all the time, it was nice. we talked about people and places. itās so surreal to hear myself, having all these great adventures and sharing them with someone who has the passion for the same things. and then yesterday morning, he and i slept in until 10 am. it was heaps great because weāve never done that before. he usually gets up around 8 am and goes to work and i sleep in alone and i wake up before lunch and he comes back and we have lunch together as i perch my legs on his thigh and stare at each other. so yeah. we then ate some more danablu and butter with the baguette we bought the previous night. imagine me just naked in bed being fed with fancy cheese. iām kween. then he was just watching me waste away in front of the macbook and then he got out his equipment and set up reflectors and lights around me and the bed and started taking photos of me while we were both kind of naked. it was colorful bc i keep showing him stuff i like off tumblr and then he was like, we can do that. so it was so. he was mooning over how my face is totally different in photographs so it makes me the perfect model. and itās fine to hear these things because i doubt he just wants to get in my pants. itās always been a dream of mine to have a boy whoāll take pics of me naked. and he worships my body all the time and tells me he feels so lucky. i feel so loved.
this is a pic off photobooth yesterday while he was taking photos of me and i pulled him next to me. but then he had to leave for a bit so i talked to h over a video call, it was nice. then when he was back, i introduced them. then he took me to a filipino restaurant!!!!!!!! i finally got me some tocino tybg. he enjoyed the adobong pusit even though i didnāt like it. tybg he is not completely vegetarian. then we went back to cuddle and he had to work a bit. i tried so hard not to jump him while he edited the films he was making because he looked so serious and i just want him smiling all the time and i was just in bed, watching him but looking away when he tries to catch me. sometimes this russian guy calls him and then he speaks to him in russian and then his voice (impossibly) gets deeper and my vagina cries. what a babe.
but then he sat beside me on the bed and looked at something i was reading that was about feminism and he started to gab about some white cishet he grew up with and i started crying because my feminist self cannot take that and then he started panicking and hugging me and i talked to him about it while i was crying and he kept apologizing and kissing me and admitted he really doesnāt know what i go through and promised to be more sensitive the next time and i stopped crying because if thereās anything i want, itās someone who listens to me. ugh, tybg. it will always be about the little things and itās about what he does when he thinks iām not paying attention. my intuition isnāt screaming at me to run. so far. then at around 8 pm he said he wanted to eat even though he wasnāt hungry but would be in a little bit but we ended up having sex instead and the next thing we know itās almost 10 pm so we hurried to the burmese restaurant bc itās near and he thought it would still be open. we got there and he was right. i like watching him eat because itās like how youāre amazed at someone because you canāt do what they do but you wish you could do it. not that i want to give up meat. but he makes very good decisions. then we walked around to a convenience store and bought some stuff for breakfast and some mixed fruit chips because we were planning to have a movie night. i am obsessed with taro chips. he insisted we watch this film called āinstitute benjamenta, or this dream people call human lifeā and i was not disappointed. it was one of the most beautiful films iāve seen. you guys should see it. i was incredibly sleepy after the film, he switched off the lights and held me in his big arms. i feel good with this part of my life. i canāt stop talking about him!!!!!!!
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last night i was having a hard time bc of some regular we had at the bar like i was so pissed i tweeted about it idk so he was cheering me up and shit and then biked all the way over and got me. we bought fancy cheese and drank wine and he spooned me. literally my bf is the cutest. then for lunch today we went to this place called irrawadi (i'm so lazy to google this i hope i spelled it right my burmese friend is gonna hate me) and it's cuisine from myanmar then he took me to his tarot reader friebnd from new york who speak khmer it was soooo crazy she's lovely. he was a bit pissed with my reading bc all signs say i should leave cambodia hahaha so like he usually pays for everything but this time he didn't haha so cute. but it was a nice reading. it's all on point, damn. but i'm just happy right now, i want to take care of him and he treats me so well. everything will work out.
today he got me 2 big ass burritos bc last night i was crying over mexican food but he was still editing the film he was making and it was close to midnight anyway so everywhere was closed so today during his lunch break he took me to a mexican restaurant. i was there first and i saw him arrive on his bike looking so fucking gorgeous, as always. and he was so cool going in the restaurant and he looked at me and i was so kilig and then he kissed me hello. help me. after we ate we just held hands and kept looking at each other's eyes and i just want to kiss him forever!!!!! i kinda wanna leave my toothbrush in his apartment. i am falling so hard.
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