Growing up with abusive parents has fucked me up more now than ever. Hearing my mom tell me things from the time I was in elementary school to now, that she never wanted me. I was the daughter my mom never wanted. Not to wear a seatbelt so she could crash the car and I would die. Constantly telling me I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough. But then would go on facebook and tell people how proud of me she is, all a lie. My dad, struggling with his brain injuries, his PTSD, when him and my mom would fight he would just leave. I would beg him to bring me with him, but he wouldn't. My mom was in love with my brother, always there for him, always told me to be more like him. I will never feel the love that my brother does when it comes to our parents. My mom has made me hate myself, blaming me for getting raped, making me feel stupid, making me feel like I am worthless. It has taken me many years to get to where I am today. Although it is still not that great, and I am damaged, I am trying. I am trying to love myself. I have someone now that goes out of his way to make sure I feel loved, and it's sad that in the almost nineteen years that I've been alive this is the first time I've ever truly felt loved from anyone. Your parents are supposed to help you with your schoolwork, and go shopping with you, and watch tv with you and make you feel loved. I will never feel that kind of love for my mother, for she has destroyed any love that I had for her. And I hate myself for not being able to forgive her, she's sick, and in denial but my life has fallen apart because of her, and I am finding myself. I am so incredibly sad, but also relieved. Not everyone deserves to be in your life, no matter who they are.