I Am Me.

It's been 7 months since I've had my baby girl. Two girls now, forever a girl mom. The time has flown way too quickly this time around. The milestones are coming and I'm not documenting much of the same things as my first.

If I'm being quite honest, it's taking time to adjust. I'm still not okay with my post baby body or brain. I've been feeling lost again but not necessarily sad. More like spaced out. Like I'm watching everything from outside. I've been trying to pick up the pieces of the me there was before this baby came along, but not sure she's around anymore. My confidence has died and my marriage is hanging in the ropes (again, I might add). But I'm guessing the marriage thing is a whole other story. My girls are amazing, it's I who's not so amazing.

I've noticed my patience dwindling (shit, barely had any to begin with) . I'm doing this mom thing 25/8, barely any time for self care. I've got an emotionally unavailable spouse that's emotionally constipated and feels I'm being overly emotional (which is accurate asf because I just had a baby🙄)

I'm just not feeling *right* 🙃

i tried writing in my journal today, something good to kind of break the cycle of all the crazy i was writing months ago. i shit you not, i was just staring at my paper wondering wtf i could possibly even write about. i’m not saying there’s nothing good in my life but i’ve just been bombarded with so much other stuff on my mind that i was literally pulling up blank. 

I’m pregnant again, baby #2. the pregnancy has been pretty easy going and i’ve even got a job that has been cool about it. things have been going smoothly, more or less. but i keep getting in these funks where i’m being challenged about my beliefs and wants, and its fucking with me so hard. mind you, i came to the realization that idk most of my wants or hobbies so another thing fucking with me. i kind of just go with the flow of things and hope that i’m okay. even with everything going pretty well, i find myself getting in the dumps and having some pretty bad thoughts. not that i’ll follow through cause, hello, chicken shit here. plus i know i’ve got a 2 kids now that are gonna need me. 

i swear it’s so crazy how quickly my mood changes. honestly been thinking about going to a doc and seeing whats up. clearly i got to get into therapy. i don’t need this shit to be rubbing off on my daughter. she’s already getting anger issues like me. and that is soo not healthy in the slightest. i have to stop wallowing and get my shit together. with or without, i’ve got to figure out what i’m gonna do with my daughter’s future. she needs to be in school soon, idk if schools would even take her by the end of this year. she turns 5 which is the age for kindergarten but it’s after the school year has started. i’ve got to start researching more and seeing what’s going on. my baby isn’t a baby anymore. she’s learning faster than ever and i have to be a better example. i’m really trying to get out of my funk so today i cleaned up the apartment and it made me feel a little more sane. but my patience didn’t quite last as long as i had wanted. i apologized to her and had a conversation with her about it. she is becoming more verbal about her feelings and thought process. she is super smart and i have to remind myself to not take that for granted.