Since this shit is practically my journal, can I rant?
I'm just finding it so difficult to deal with myself these past few months. It's not like it's been consistent, just random bursts of sadness where i wanna isolate myself and wallow in my self pity when I literally don't have ANY problems to deal with.
I'm so fucking sick and tired of suddenly getting sad and demotivated after days of being happy. It's like my body just wants to revert back to being miserable spontaneously. And I've tried choosing to be happy. I've tried to ignore it, thinking its just an impulse, it's just what I'm used to, I just wanna be miserable again because that was my normal like fucking 2 years ago, but genuinely it doesn't seem to work. No matter how much i try to control it, I can't. It feels as if it controls me instead and I feel extremely demotivated, down, and easily irritated the whole time.
Its getting really hard to deal with cause its like yes, i wanna overdose on pills and puke my guts out until i drown in my own vomit, but also the logical part of me remembers that that's fucking disgusting and you would not wanna traumatize your sister like that, and you're probably only trying to do that because you wanna have an actual good reason to be miserable rather than just because of random bursts of self loathing.