Disguised as a bear

This adorable little robot is designed to make sure its photosynthesising passenger is well taken care of. It moves towards brighter light if it needs, or hides in the shade to keep cool. When in the light, it rotates to make sure the plant gets plenty of light. It even likes to play with humans.

Oh, and apparently, it gets antsy when it’s thirsty.

The robot is actually an art project called “Sharing Human Technology with Plants” by a roboticist named Sun Tianqi. It’s made from a modified version of a Vincross HEXA robot, and in his own words, it’s purpose is “to explore the relationship between living beings and robots.”

I don’t think it’s amazing that thing are set up this way, because improvisation, playing by ear, and being able to read sheet music are all very useful musical skills. It does limit people as musicians to skip over them based on what type of instrument/style they’re playing.

And for all of these skills, some will come more easily from the start to you than others, but at the end of the day they’re all learned skills. I have a harder than average time with rhythms, but it doesn’t mean I can never learn them. I just spend more of my time on internalising the rhythm than another person might when learning a new piece.

Currently chopping vegetables for soup night and considering the vegan meringue I’m about to attempt making with extreme dread.

This month has involved a lot of Thinking About Shit and Having Feelings so far, because it has involved a lot less of Hanging Out and Talking. I was getting to a point where it felt like every time I talked to someone, they said they something that hurt, and as much as I wanted to just howl BE MORE GENTLE WITH ME, I’m also pretty sure that a lot of that was me not coping well with being a human in a body, etc. 

The intractable problem is that I am lonely and feel unwanted, but socializing enough to make that feeling abate somewhat is really expensive to me in terms of energy, time, and money – because I don’t want my friends to think I’m an ungracious skinflint who can’t hang, goddammit. And – because – why am I even making money if not to put it back into people I care about? I waste enough of it on convenience foods and books I’m not going to read, that’s for sure.

A local friend – someone I have known since August 2018, so, let’s say, a year and five months – when listening to my anxiety, tried to pop in with “well, friendships don’t need maintenance!” And – well – COME AGAIN, MY DEAR. The kindness was clearly intended – I think she meant to ease up my anxiety about the lengths I need to go to entertain – but oof. Strange wording –

Friendships need SO much maintenance. I have friends because of all the time I’ve spent with them and the things we’ve shared and the joy we take in each other’s company – but also because of the money and the effort I’ve spent to get to where they are, to host them in my home, to feed them and give them gifts. So many stupid, roundabout ways I’ve taken to go somewhere I wanted to visit so that it could include someone I care about! 

I’ve invested so much. And it’s not to say that I’m sad or resentful about that – after everything, I’ve quietly, embarrassingly receded to only pouring my effort into people who make me feel good about that effort – but it wasn’t optional. I don’t really have anything else to show for my 31.6 years of being here, except my friendships and a smattering of good stories. Maybe I could have gotten medicated early on in the process and poured that effort in creating a nuclear family in hopes of having more stability and comfort at this stage – more visible return on my effort, I guess – but man, so many people I know who did that are just as fucked and lonely as I am. 

I didn't really know anyone else and was lonely and exhausted. I got a £5 tip and kept it in my wallet because two acquaintances had suggested going out one-on-one. I knew I couldn't afford both, but I decided to use it for whoever made solid plans with me first. One of them did, and because I couldn’t afford a drink and a bus ticket, I walked two miles to get to the pub they suggested.

We ended up having a lovely time and she became one of my closer friends in that city. But if I hadn’t gotten a tip or been able to walk there and back (or had the walk worn me out too much to talk easily that day), it wouldn’t have happened. So much of getting to know people to even make friends involves going out and money and energy.

And then if it’s been a while since you’ve seen someone, it feels like you need to suggest a similar sort of meeting because that’s casual and normal. Or you need to do the effort of planning because then you can suggest the options that work better for you, but that comes with the stress of decision-making, and worrying about whether you care more about the friendship than the other person.