bri 🌼

the day was interesting, i had a good first half and i had received some gifts from my coworkers. the nurses did a collection and put together a small something.

a lot of people have been reaching out to me to either send their love, say congratulations or just try to be there for me.

despite the fact i’ve received a lot of good energy today i still couldn’t help but feel that lingering sadness. i know it’s a chemical imbalance at this point in time & i just need to get a little extra help to get over the hump.

also i’ve noticed a lot of weird new doors opening for me, i don’t really know how come that’s happening but im scared to take the first step.

i always tell myself though. the first step is most important though.

and who knows, maybe these things will be lessons or they’ll help me grow more.

today was an interesting one. i took my final exam this morning, i feel really good. maybe not a 90% but definitely at least an 80% or higher. i am confident that i will be halfway to being a nurse tomorrow.

i pretty much loafed around all day. i actually started the process of room cleaning. i plan to deep clean probably wednesday after my doctors appointments. i also invited maddie over that day and we are going to wrap gifts and just .. catch up together. its been so long and we deserve to just cry together.

anyway around 6p i decided to treat myself. i went out to BJ's brewhouse, which wasn't really my intentional plan. i originally wanted to go to this coffee place and sit and relax, but they were closed by 6p which i didn't know. i had a drink and some chicken along with lots of water. i probably stayed there for maybe 3h? i also went to five below. it was kinda strange because at one point i went to look for someone who wasn’t there. remember those scenes in twilight where bella was seeing visions? i always thought it was a little dramatic but i guess someone doesn’t understand until they go through it. anyway, i got myself an extension cord for underneath my desk to plug in all my goodies.

i thought of some of the goals i want to be carrying into 2025, and how i can achieve it. i also thought about maybe practicing some new habits such as meditation.

someone special once tried to teach me that meditation can be very helpful for clearing my mind and decompressing.

today was one of my not so amazing days. i understand healing isn’t linear and that’s okay. i wasn’t able to sleep well last night, but today my parents and i went up to connecticut for a concert (which will be later tonight). normally the day of the concert i am hyped and i am ready to go, happy as can be. i felt nothing. i felt dread of even going and i almost even asked my mom if we could just stay home.

i know i’m in a battle of letting go of my old self / finding a new version of myself. it’s exhausting but it’ll help me become better as time goes on. i just wish there was an easier way.

today there was a lot of appeal of just going away. the idea of after graduating and leaving the state. going somewhere that no one knows me. maybe even making a bucket list of every place i’ve wanted to go so i can keep checking off these boxes.

i haven’t really been feeling like myself today, but i’m sure i will write again after. hopefully i will be feeling better.

got a sign from the universe on my way home from the library earlier. it was a real eye opener weirdly.

today was so strange. i slept in pretty late cause i wasn’t really feeling well & i haven’t slept in for a while now. i literally had to be woken up at one point from the couch to go to my room at 4am. my dad said when he woke me up i was in a panicked / “scared shitless” state.

when i was finally up this morning, maddie had messaged me. we talked for a little bit and for the first time in a really long time i sat down and thought about the type of people i want to be surrounded by. i always felt that i never wanted to be the best in the room because that would mean, im not in the right place. it means i would sink down to someone else’s level or try to ‘fix’ them.

being surrounded by people that have a lot to offer will always help bring me up & elevate me to the next level. sometimes i look at the people i used to be friends with and feel that i definitely dodged a bullet.

anyway, my mom got me out the house for a while, she took me to best buy and she bought some christmas gifts for me & one for my dad. after that we just kinda sat in silence in the car. i was still thinking about this topic.

around 5:45 i went to my classmates house (bella). we studied for a while with this girl victoria. its interesting to study with people that aren’t my old study group. i miss my study group, but i also realize they made me very anxious sometimes.

i understand nursing school is surrounded by anxiety and the fear of being unsuccessful. but being around bella and victoria, i felt really calm. no sense of urgency to cram for the final. no sense of anxiety.

the more i think about things, the more answers come to me. everything is going to start falling into place

okay but since when do exams give me literal chest pain???? i walked in with my head held so high for the exam. i didn’t really change any of my answers but im also at the point of whatever happens, happens.

i do miss the new little tradition that i’ve picked up on of grabbing a little drink to celebrate / or going out the day or two after to grab something. i’m excited for this semester to be over. i have one week left officially. today was a decent one. i had my mind on mainly the exam today and i was in and out the bathroom here and there. we love the anxiety!

grades should be out by tomorrow, other then that i plan to stay busy for the rest of the night and for tomorrow at work. fingers crossed i go into the final in good standing (even though im sure i will).

also i’m not really too sure what’s been going on in terms of things i’ve been learning about myself. i’ve been journaling and jotting them down but i can’t tell if it’s really helping me or if it’s just me venting to myself. but here’s to the consistency of practicing new habits as a form of self love <3

this isn’t even including what tonight’s journal will be!!

my heart feels so heavy right now. i hate that everything hits late in the night.

i’ve come to some new realizations about myself & i can’t even begin to express how long this journey is going to be. i know i’ll say right now it feels impossible. but maybe after i get some sleep it won’t feel as crummy as it does now. at least i’ll sleep good tomorrow night

it’s starting to feel like a never ending list of things i’m learning about myself. some good, some things i’d like to really change / learn from. the more i know myself, the better i’ll understand myself though.. right?

here’s to hoping tomorrow (well… today) will be good to me.

as always, universe please just get me through another day.

(5:05a)

today was so strange. clinical absolutely flew by. i was at the school today, we got a nice long lunch (1115-1pm!!) during my lunch i went to the mall with both amanda’s. it was actually a decent time. i got my eyebrows done and i bought stockings for tonight as well.

tonight is the icu party, i will be driving with my tita nida, she once made me a chicken sandwich when i went to cape may because i can’t eat seafood!!). then when i get there i plan to spend time with a girl i know who’s close to my age. maybe have a drink or a drink and a half 😅!!

as i was driving to the hair place, i did get a little teary eyed at the light. the four seasons diner was there on the corner and lots of memories raced through my mind. grief is so strange & as always comes in waves and what not.

i can definitely say i’m still doing things out of habit. i woke up around 1:45a and rolled over to hang up a phone call. silly me though, no one was on the phone. yet another reminder of the reality. but old habits die hard. at least that’s what i tell myself

if i’m being honest, i definitely knew it was going to happen. i figure places that were once special may hurt me a little more no matter how much time passes. it’s okay, it just means everything i experienced was very real.

anyway, i’ll probably write a little update later tonight after my party. here’s a little photo of the hair shop. they got all decorated! it’s so cute & definitely helped me cheer up again 🥹. here’s to a good rest of the day :)

6:42pm

i saw something but i know it’s nothing and i keep telling myself. i guess things just have to hurt. i know it’s nothing though and im proud of myself for not letting it get to me too much

i was going to write earlier but decided it was best to wait for a little bit. i’m glad that i did. for the first time in a good minute i finally have a small appetite back. i was able to eat something small for dinner tonight & i had actually even asked my cousin for advice. he recommended when i eat to go out with someone and just talk. the talking will distract me from the fact that im eating. he also told me some new personal stuff about his prior relationship which helped me feel a little bit better.

i stepped outside since it was so windy, we have these little snowmen up & the last thing i want is for them to be blowing away and smashing into my window or something along the lines. to my surprise it looked like & felt like there was little snowflakes coming down.

on another side note, i have an appointment with a psychiatrist. the more i unpack with the appointment coming closer & as the treatment progresses i’ll leave little updates here and there for those who are wondering about it.

speaking of, some Christmas gifts were delivered. i paid a little extra to have them pre-wrapped and i hope ill know whether the person likes them or not. there are also small notes included in the gifts as well.

fingers crossed everyone out there today is bundled up today. i hope you’re all doing good and that things are starting to look up work wise :)

(4:44p)

a new fear of mine unlocked today. yet another thing i’m learning about myself. this is good though. there’s been a lot to unpack lately and that’s exactly what i’ve been doing. if im being honest, yes there have been temptations to find things to help me feel good and just forget about a lot of stuff temporarily. being honest, that would only make me feel worse about myself.

i’ve been facing my emotions as they come and go in waves. i’m also prepared for the fact that some days will be better then others. one day i can be completely fine & then another day 3 months down the line i will be having a breakdown.

healing is a strange bridge to cross.

today i did a lot of reflecting. i’m finally coming to terms with it’s okay to receive a label. that doesn’t mean i am my label. and getting the help i need is okay.

i looked back at points of my recent relationship and thought about the reason as to why i did some things & why i acted the way i did sometimes. i spoke with my therapist and was brutally honest with myself & her for how things are looking right now. i told her i wished i had gotten help a lot sooner then i went & that i wasn’t so stubborn. due to the nature of my mindset right now, our next meeting wasn’t optional. she made yet another appointment with me until the psychiatrist & my future treatment team are fully on board with my case. some of the things she had said to me really came off like a very much needed sign. for example she recommended me the crest program right in the area i live & i expressed to her why that probably wasn’t the most amazing idea. i told her who i was looking into & even though she doesn’t know im a universe kind of girly she said to me

“if you are going to take any sign to get help, let it be the fact i’m looking at the same place you’re looking at”

while looking back at my recent relationship, i realized how lucky i was to once be loved. i realized how beautiful little things in life are. the small moments. i always felt they were the ones that meant the most for me. moments like these are the ones that will keep inspiring me to do more. i know what type of person i want to be. i know for a fact i want to love myself and be my biggest supporter. if i don’t get it together, how can i expect to ever accept anyone to love or care for me?

i thought about the next steps on how to change things. i don’t want to overly distract myself because when im alone it will hurt more then ever. so i do a little bit at a time. i more i let it in, the better i learn to cope. ive even been journaling these last few days very consistently.

i’ve been going through whirls of emotions, some being “why didn’t i do this better”, “i don’t understand what’s wrong with me”, “how can i take steps to improve my mindset about __” or even “how can i take steps to improve myself overall”.

these last few days i’ve been experiencing a lot of emotional growth, pain & even some somatic symptoms, but i also feel lighter with knowing that i can possibly make it through. and if the universe loves me, she won’t hold my hand through it, but she will give me everything i want & more one day.

had a really hard conversation today. i filled out my forms to seek higher level of care that can be provided from my counselor. was reminded by my mom that i am not my label. i was also reminded by my counselor that

“if you had a broken leg, you wouldn’t just drag your leg around would you?”

today i came to the conclusion maybe i am a little more broken then i thought i was. a fear of abandonment that has finally been brought to light. realizations about my childhood that i knew already but still didn't realize how much it truly effected me and my choices. the unwavering guilt of feelings that i've been dealing with. sometimes even binge eating (which is literally a no no). due to recent events i've had no appetite, when i smell things i love (or would just genuinely like to eat) i feel incredibly sick. as of this morning i've lost nearly 8 in about a week. i keep trying, no matter how hard it is for me i just tell myself "if i get it into my system, then i'm making the effort" and sometimes i tell myself "when i eat, then i will feel better". my mom has started to sit with me to eat to make things a little bit better sometimes. and as always the battle of forgiving myself and those around me.

i'm starting to accept (and really see) that sometimes, the healing starts when you're honest to yourself about these feelings.

all i know for sure is i'm going to break the cycle.

no leaning on those around me for the extra love and support, no picking up extra hours at work as a distraction. and especially no throwing myself into school work or school work.

it comes and goes in waves. the best thing for me is to let it hurt when it hurts, but most importantly to keep going. if i run from it, i will never get better.

last night i pulled the trigger. i talked to my mom about the very real possibility of needing antidepressants and seeking more then just help from a counselor. i told her i didn’t know how to handle everything that’s been snowballing. i didn’t open up completely to my mom about some of the issues ive been taking on myself. i wrote in my journal and did a lot of reflecting. i feel a new version of myself coming to light. it’s now just a matter of implementing the actions to see change.

work is typically very therapeutic. no more nurses being rude or mean. but work just doesn’t hit the same.

my patients are all okay and we’ve slowly started to empty out the unit to make room for new ones as per usual. when something exciting happens the first person i want to tell is no longer around to tell.

i guess at the end of the day,

today blows. i've been up since 0530 and feeling no desire to take a mid day nap. i'm currently at the library trying to prep for my exams next week but today just feels a little rough. my study group didn't show up. i studied but taking a little break to try to ease back into the content. i'm having weird moments with my parents. my mom is also starting physical therapy today.

that feeling of something missing was a lot heavier then it has been before. today also felt like for a long time that things won't really ever get better. an idea i'm struggling with but also another very real possibility to face for these next few months. but here's to doing my best and keep moving forward, despite all these thoughts and feelings i'm having.

i kept opening my messages before doing something to text about it but then remembered it isn't my place anymore. i also have been trying to focus on remembering that it isn't my place to give advice anymore, but it really sucks wanting to be there for someone when you can't be.

today was more of an "i need my best friend" kind of day.

current feeling: lost

i made it through the day but it was a lot harder then i liked to admit. i got relieved from my 1:1 a little early (maybe 1:50p?) and switched with the PCT from CCU due to some drama the tech & another RN were having.

the patient that i was watching had made me tear up a little bit when her and i were talking, it’s always the confused ones that get to me at times.

before i knew it, it was time for me to go to lunch. as much as i hate to admit but the first thing i did was cry. sitting at the usual table and realizing yet another piece of reality setting in.

i stepped out of my comfort zone to reach to one girl. i had apologized to her. it felt like it was the right thing to do and to get closure with parts of myself. it’s another step towards growing and learning to forgive myself.

i also realized i’m having conversations with myself in my head throughout the day. 100% not healthy but it’s how it will be at first. i keep looking at my phone waiting for something i know isn’t coming. i keep telling myself once i pick up new hobbies that void will be filled temporarily. i adore baking, especially girly gingerbread men (aka a gingette). the kitchen can be healing!

i’ve also decided to go to a work ‘party’ this friday. i can’t sit around and sulk. plus the ccu team always felt like a form of family to me. i’m nervous, but i can do this. i have to do it for myself.

with this week coming up, i’d like to put out a little positive vibes to start it right.

-it can be overwhelming but keep your head up & remember what you’re doing it for.

-don’t give up, no matter how hard things may seem. people always say it will become easier with time.

-the only one stopping you.. is yourself !!!

-be proud of yourself. it isn’t easy, but you’re doing it.

feelings at the moment: something is missing

i caught up with my cousin’s ex girlfriend yesterday. i looked to her for advice & asked her about how her holiday was. she’s coming home on friday so that’s one thing to look forward too.

had yet another partial sleepness night. it’s slowly getting better though, once i fell asleep i was able to stay asleep instead of waking up a million times. no bad dreams but no good ones either weirdly enough.

i’m sitting on a 1:1 today. i’m nervous for what the day is to bring. it means a lot of time to sit and think about a lot of things. i just have to remember to take deep breaths & try to relax. it’s weird, that the times i feel things the most are during the small moments that i would’ve never expected. i hear a little voice in the back of my head “did you eat today?”, “take a shower, it’ll probably help you feel better”. the voice isn’t mine but it’s the driving force of reminding me to take care of myself.