OneSpankedMina

When a sadist and a masochist play

I was listening to the latest Over the Knee Podcast, and @amysubmits brought up end goals for power exchange relationships. The conversation made me think about my own relationship.. what were our goals? Was there an end game? And I realized that in most ways I am living in my goals. In something beyond my dreams, beyond fantasy. But it was a long path to get here.

Sir and I had a good start. We were young, passionate. He would often grab me by the hair for a kiss or pin me down in bed. He had a deep voice and a commanding presence. Unfortunately, I let my shame hide my true wants and needs for power exchange. I had made the decision to bury those desires before we had even met. I provided a few hints, a mumbled “I like it rough” and a disastrous viewing of The Secretary. But I thought, this is enough. His natural dominance is enough to sustain me, to hold a baseline.

We soon were married, and nine months later we had a baby and a fixer upper house on a too large plot of land. Passion was replaced by obligation. Our youthful exuberance worn down by responsibility. We drifted as the years went on. I seized power I never wanted, he gave it to me as he thought good partners do. Go along to get along. But we didn’t get along. We fought at times, but worse was the distance. I was living in a role I never wanted, a role in which I could never be successful. And it only became harder to confess my secret as the years went on.

Almost a decade went by, and it was difficult to imagine another ten years as we were. In what I can only imagine was a desperate move to improve things, Sir asked me what I meant when I said I liked it rough all those years before. It seemed like a lifetime ago. But I confessed it all. My need for accountability, my desire for kink, my want of his control. I’m sure he got more than he bargained for. He paused, but then he stepped up. We learned together what that meant.