Heute bei allen, immer bei mir, DumboInerd

Satsuki spent a month strung up by her wrists in a cage with two truths to ponder almost immediately after this scene. The fact that Ryuko was her sister and the fact that Satsuki’s father was alive up until like 3 months ago and she didn’t know. And he never contacted her. And now he’s dead. 

I think, for Satsuki, Soichiro doesn’t die once. He dies three times. The first is the obvious. He dies the first time in a car accident when she’s five. He dies the second time when Ragyo tells Ryuko that she’s her daughter; maybe not that precise moment, I’m thinking it happened afterward, but I’m not exactly sure where the moment happens for somebody like Satsuki. I don’t think it registers for her immediately that Ryuko = Sister therefore Isshin Matoi = Soichiro = only recently deceased. Is it before she presses the detonator? Is it after? Maybe it is immediate. 

Maybe Ragyo lets loose the truth and Satsuki, struggling out of the rubble, glances up to see that scissor blade and that’s when the thought hits her, that her father really is dead, though not as long as she originally thought. She gains a sister but her father is dead twice over. What does that do to somebody, to know that her father was alive for the 13 years she thought him to be dead and never once did he check up on her.

Did he check up on her? Did he remember her birthday? He hardly paid attention to Ryuko, but did he think about the little girl with long hair that he left in that mansion? Did he remember the last words he said to her, the way that she looked at him when she thought she’d see him again, the last time she said “Tousan!”. When he was bleeding out did he look at Ryuko and think maybe he did something wrong? When there was giant scissor stuck in his body did he regret? Did he notice the shade of blue in Ryuko’s eyes? Did it remind him of his first daughter? Did he think about her at all?

Maybe he did. Maybe he thought about her a lot. Maybe he sent Ryuko away because he thought about Satsuki all the time—the little girl whose head he would pat, who probably climbed upon his shoulders when Ragyo wasn’t around. Maybe on her birthday he made sure Ryuko wasn’t in the house and he stopped all of his research for the day and made himself a cake that he never ate because he never was good at baking. Maybe, before he sent Ryuko to boarding school, he would try to place his hand on her head, but she’d move away, disgruntled about it, “stooopp!”. Did he think of Satsuki then?

But I truly think he dies a third time for Satsuki. Not just dies. I think she kills him. The memory of him, anyway. I think she drowns him in the waters of her past along with other things she’d like to escape but can’t. I think the third time he dies it’s later. Much later. Maybe years post canon. Maybe after she’s done things, normal people things, like go to college and have internships, and make friends. And maybe she decides to stop idolizing the man she knew as Soichiro and instead make him Isshin. And then she remembers the sister she has who maybe lives in the next city over or the next room over or maybe across the country and thinks about how he left not just one but two daughters fatherless and that’s when she decides to kill the memory of him. She replaces all the ideal memories a five year old would have of her deceased father with the way Ryuko hates to be left in big houses alone. She cuts out all the imagined smiles she thinks are his and replaces them with all the left over scars on Ryuko’s knuckles, the way she so proudly recounts her fights in boarding school.

Maybe killing him is too violent of an phrase, but she doesn’t just let him go. She stifles down the memory of him, reminds herself that even if he was good, he did leave her for 13 years and he did have another daughter he neglected to raise. 

The Legend of Zelda

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