Kyo's Life Story

Has anyone ever had that empty feeling inside you that is slowly eating you away?

I feel fortunate and blessed that I have great family, great friends, and I have everything I need in life, but somehow there is this empty feeling that I cannot explain. It is slowly eating me away...  I really hate myself being this way, I really hate this. 

I am trying really hard to not let it affect me with people around me, but acting happy when you are not is really difficult and physically and mentally exhausting. I don't want my friends to worry, I don't want my parents to worry, I don't want anyone to worry about me, because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. 

I know you only live once, literally, so live to your fullest, and don't waste time being negative; and I have really tried my best, it is just merely impossible for me.

Nothing matters to me, I become careless and exhausted with life. Sometimes I wish I can just close my eyes, and everything will go away, but that doesn't happen. Other times, I wish I can just close my eyes and never wake up again. 

I know that this is a sign that my depression is acting up, but I really don't know how it happened; I was perfectly content with my life. I have great group of support, and I just recently met another great group of friends, my parents have been supporting me, and spoiling me with their love and care, I wish there is a switch button in me that I can just shut it off....

I hate myself, I really do right now.

It has been a while since we were apart. There is not a day that I did not think about you. You were my love, my one and the only, and my world. You were the light in my life, leading me in life; you were the reason I wake up every day smiling; you were also the big part of my life that I could not live without. No one has taught me what love is until you showed up in my life. You gave my life a whole new meaning, you made me a better person, and a better lover. If I could go back, I would choose to hold onto tight and not let go. Every day, I am thinking "what ifs..."  What if I came to you the night we started fighting? What if I stayed in hometown instead of moving out? What if I told you that you were the love of my life? What if I told you that I want to spend the rest of my life with you only? 

Whenever it rains, I think about you, think about your smiles in the rain, think about our kisses in the rain, think about our moments when our worlds only had each other. I miss you a lot, and I really wish you will come back one day. There is not a day I give up hope that you will come back to my life, and come back to my side. There is not a day I stop loving you. You will forever be that person I love the most. 

I really fell in love with you, and I really do love you a lot...