Omgarrett video thangs

I crave change.

I can very rarely stand to do the same thing for an overly large amount of time. Probably the only thing that managed to keep me interested was recording videos and even that I’ve been making minor tweaks to the process over the last 5 years of doing so. (Or however long I’ve been doing this now)

Earlier this year I ended a relationship which was nearing close to five years. It forced me to actually figure out who I actually was when that part of my life was removed. It was a part that really didn’t bring me any happiness anymore. Yet simultaneously I couldn’t stop clinging to it. I think it was March that I finally managed to make a drastic change to my life, even though pretty much the second the year started I was 100% sure I wasn’t happy with my situation. I took a walk immediately afterwards.

I then spent until like September or October trying to figure out what to do with my life. It was a weird time. I was pretty much continuously either recording things or watching tv shows or anything else I could do on my own. I was in this weird constant state of anxiety. I was physically unable to make phone calls. The thought of doing so just made me freeze up to the point that I just didn’t do it at all. I pretty much secluded myself from the world for months.  Just sticking to everything and anything I could do without having to speak to anyone.

I spent a lot of time on Twitter. I got really into JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure… Sort of. I enjoyed watching the anime. I enjoyed watching people talk about it. I could never get myself to actually bother to read the manga (which is about a billion years ahead of the actual anime) but it was nice to see passionate people. It was nice to see people passionate enough to effectively be acting to be the people from the anime. I got oddly into the RP side of the fandom. Which was odd as I could never really get into any RP stuff previously but for some reason this worked for me?

And then the craving for change kicked in again.

It’s like I hit some sort of wall. I’ll be really interested in something and then out of the blue I lose all interest in it. I’ll just wake up one day and go “Welp! That was good. Time to change everything.” And just be completely bored of every aspect of it (In this case it was JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure). It feels like wearing a mask to avoid figuring out who I actually am. To avoid figuring out what I actually want and just going along with whatever’s happening at the time.  And when I decide to do something else I just wear a different mask and just wander off from whatever I was interested in at the time.

Eventually I just threw myself outside of my comfort zone and made a phone call to a company. I was genuinely proud of myself for making a phone call. At this point it’s become part of a job I have to do so the amount of pride I got from being able to make a phone call seems oddly ridiculous but at the time it was like  breaking out of this slump I couldn’t get out of for a long time. The company I called is now the place where I’m doing an internship to finish my bachelor’s degree and hopefully I’ll just be able to continue working there in the future.  I don’t know if this is what I want to keep doing for the rest of my life or if this is the company where I’ll be working for a long time but eh.

I’m happy.

I don’t know if it was the certainty of this internship that made me happy or that it was just Halloween that kicked in some sort of different engine in my brains. Either way October was the month where everything seemingly changed. I don’t know what caused it but I just got suddenly excited about the future. Halloween isn’t really a holiday we celebrate in The Netherlands but I pretty much went all out on figuring out some way to celebrate it here. And it was just great to be passionate about something again. Finding something to be passionate about can seem impossible when life stops being interesting. Quite frankly I’m honestly not sure if I’m passionate about my life now but at least I don’t feel like wanting to disappear as much anymore. Just disappear in some magical way where somehow no one ever knew I ever existed.

All in all, this has been kind of a rollercoaster of a year for me. At least now I’m looking forward to the future. At least now I’m capable of talking to people without freezing up entirely (Admittedly I’m still not exactly the most social person but hey. Baby steps). Hopefully next year I’ll be able to finish my bachelor’s degree, get a job, move out of my current house, get a driver’s license. I don’t know if I’ll hit all of these goals but at least there are goals now. At least I’ve got a plan now. The future’s looking bright.