cam

enough time to

stay a bit longer in bed after being awake

gargle with warm salt water in the morning

wash my face

get dressed

for a long hug

take a short relaxation nap

a short yoga session

stretch

in Paris sometimes i’m “given” 15 minutes

for half a short walk

half a quick conversation

half a “meeting”

to hear half “truth”

to be cornered

for being true

…

to watch the other person watch his watch

then walked backward away

from some mutual tension

question

judgement

misunderstanding

maybe

of a long lost dream

of our 20s

“khi em còn trẻ và đẹp

em lại không dành cho anh

ta cứ đi tìm về thương nhớ

ta cứ đi tìm

đi tìm

ta cứ đi tìm về quá khứ

ta cứ đi tìm

đi tìm

…”

if only there’s magic

to float

fly

to be invisible

when some presence

conversation

communication

started heavy from within

but we need to stay and hurt eachother

because of responsibilities

to pay the bills

to be away from somewhere that seemed worse

and still, sometimes

it’s sweet enough

to hear that same person read a poem

she must suffer a lot

to split out and spread around so much hatredness

to see how happy she holds the admin papers

required for healthcare supplement insurance

of a country that seemingly supposed to be “better”

if you’re patient enough to wait until it’s your turn

god bless us

will you

18:51, Eglise Île Saint Louis, Paris

i’ll explore the healthcare here and update, after getting health card maybe in the 4th month i’m here...something better than vietnam, maybe…(the pastries, food have been good enough : )

so things are slower but paris is also not that slow and people in paris, as other big cities, need to book a month or more in advance to meet up...

and when people are in a rat race, they have less of humanity ~ accept that and do what i can…

i finally walked in saint paul church on the main street this afternoon ~ it's 3 months today since i arrived in paris in august, right. i've been thinking of going to église saint-louis-en-i'Île across the bridge, as i believe it would be more quiet, for quite a while since i moved here (marais) for more than 2 months already but the master's has been too busy...and the weather has been colder in the last few weeks...

some youths were sitting hanging out in front of the church. i didn't pay attention if the "clean" homeless guy is in front of the gate on the other side, maybe he sets up his carton "house" in the evening...

i walked in, touched the holy water and made a cross ~ the ritual that i learned since primary school when going to Ham Long church in Hanoi with my close friend/ neighbour back then ~ a chance/ fate that i am still grateful for ~ to connect with the church space, spirit, songs and activities well before i had the first difficult time with family and friends/ foes/ class politics in secondary school and as an only child, i made a cross and talked to God

and it's more than 20 years since i experience bully ~ rumour/ exclusion in class on a daily basis 5 days a week, at my age and even the 10 year younger classmates who are almost 30 (but we're all 5 years less matured because of covid i guess) it seems so childish but how many of us get to grow from our wounded inner child...

and it's been almost 20 years since i struggle with the curse of 7 years of selective schools and further selective connections since in imo 2007, ipho 2008, duke engage 2009, royal academy of music, cambridge, oxford since 2010 and it carries on, back in hanoi ~ isee 2017, everest & 7a since 2018, song an 2020, 0 đường 2024 for central region. i didn't feel as fulfilled in uni in Hanoi, London, work places in Saigon ~ Hanoi ~ Hoi An (except from teaching with centers opened by people who also studied abroad) and now master's in Paris

but i'm also not sure i want to get back into the competitive selective cycle ~ but maybe because i'm not sure and i haven't been happy in other cycles, i could try again. or maybe, one day, the selective group who want to gather closer to nature ~ still finding my tribe, and it should be easier here, i guess. met a few at lpi so far, need to connect further. and maybe the selectives here/ in nordic are less competitive…

also, i/ we were young and didn't have enough experiences to compare or too much burden to then complain about school, study, teachers etc. in secondary school, i accepted in my diary that they are from richer families so we're different. i was also different because i didn't belong to any group ~ the carried on loneliness of an only child. but when i connect with someone, it's true-er friendship as some former close friends shared. looking back, the teachers and learning since high school was not as engaging/ inspiring as it's beyond basic knowledge and not as close to life/ tailored for future works ~ but at least we had more freedom at Ams to follow our study abroad dreams, together. and we had free meals cooked and free home ~ mostly :")

and less strangers to deal with in dating when being abroad ~ i was quite brave with that and works since 2010 ~ 2015 in London, and 2016 ~ 2022 in Vietnam, with BC that i didn't get to know enough from someone from my network, and also because of Covid i guess...i relearn recently that the referral person should be as compatible and relatable as possible for work, study and dating too i guess : )

i guess the universe has let me experience (south/ east and seemingly warmer kinder south) asians to the fuller here : ) and my connections so far here are and for longer will be mixed culture east meets west kids, a new era in my life : ) Josephine Mai? (from Doclab 2017), My Tam, Yassine? (from LPI ~ Heneo 2025), Bo (from a3, 1999 :"), Luka IMO 2007, maybe some from Overseas Vietnames ~ will see : ) the smiley south americans seems nice but there's something missing ~ the sweeter more caring asian side i guess :")

Seek relationships with balanced communication styles: People who can be assertive without aggression and vulnerable without volatility

Value your sensitivity: Your emotional awareness is a strength, not a weakness

Name your feelings: "I feel drained after spending time with Mom" rather than just experiencing the exhaustion

Establish clear communication boundaries: "I need to step away when voices are raised" or "I can't be the mediator between you two"

Scheduled contact: Consider structuring visits with time limits to prevent emotional exhaustion

Separate interactions: Sometimes it's easier to maintain individual relationships with each parent

Appreciate her strengths while acknowledging her limitations

my mum, in turn, has become a bossy, controlling, aggressive, bully women, verbally, mentally towards me and my now could be violent physically yet right now ill dad...and i gradually learn that she was born and has always been a tough, blunt, aggressive person, very yang...she says it herself that she has never experienced nor can she understand depression...

my parents are almost opposite, their most similar/ shared trait is probably the communist controlling, aggressive and violent manner of their generation, also the ones before and after them...