the last kid

it’s really hard to talk anyone these days.

I feel selfish, but I’m also fed up.

in my mind, I’m tired of being alone. lacking intimacy does something to the brain that makes you impractical after a while. why am i not desirable? why do i lack the ability, to make someone care about me beyond “taking a picture” or a listening ear?

and honestly, i’m at the point of where i don’t want to hear the same old shit.

i want truth.

it’s not about being confident. i am plenty that. i always have had a confidence in myself. what douse’s my flame, is a consistent indifference. Being that most of my life has been filled with indifference, from my parents, family, friends, i have never really known where I lie on the spectrum. people tell me I am good, but the results don’t really mirror that. people tell me i am a nice person, but most days i get treated like a pushover. people tell me, I’m handsome but they don’t see the way people look at me with disgust when I make eye contact with them.

really, all this is my problem. my issue to deal with. which is why I don’t see a need to talk about it anymore.

it just sucks though.

because every day, I grow more exhausted.

more fed up.

more defeated.

i don’t feel like i have a place in this world.

i don’t feel seen, important or needed.

and it’s different than what other people “need” me for. a smile, a laugh, etc. I get all that.

but,

one day i would like to know what it feels like.

the feeling of those love songs i listen to every day.

what does it feel like to wake up to someone who wants you to be there? what does it feel like to look someone in the eye, and know that they care about? what does it feel like, to be held? what does it feel like to have someone on your mind, and feel that you are on theirs? what does it feel like to have someone call you sexy? what does it feel like, to feel sexy for someone? what does it feel like to be loved? liked? crushed on? even simply though of? romantically? intimately?

I don’t know.

I want to feel, what the love songs I listen to talk about.

I want to be wanted.

I want to matter.

People say I do. But I don’t.

It’s ok that I don’t to. But, I feel like this is my last cry for help. maybe it’s desperate. maybe it’s pathetic. maybe.

but I’m exhausted.

I’m tired of coming home. To nothing.

I’m tired of having no one to talk to.

I’m tired of acting like none of these matters.

I’m tired.

I’m fed up.

I’m tired of this.

I’m tired of no one just agreeing that I’m ok to feel this way.

I want to feel what the love songs I listen to talk about.

for once, I would love to not come home to nothing.

for once, I would love to talk about my day with someone and hear about their day.