suck it and see

Dear roommate for Punta Cana trip, I walk around in just my boxers 99% of the time.

As if not everyone knew that already.

EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY. There is now a blue lokai bracelet and I want it.

What the fuck is a loki bracelet?

Oh yeah...that show's over. Wait, another famous guy died?

I know what getting hit by a bus feels like.

It's a miracle you're not dead. God favors the strangest people.

So, what exactly does one have to get a pregnant woman for her baby shower?

Uh...baby clothes? Since you're filthy rich, maybe you should get the baby designer baby clothes.

You choose not to because you’re lazy, that’s why you’ll have me. Bake? I can cook, not bake. I’ll ask my mom to teach me though.

Aw, you'll cook for me because I'm lazy? Hello, Mrs. Hoult. Cook me some spaghetti. Thanks.

Anyone see that dress picture that broke the internet today? It’s definitely black and blue.

It's fucking white and gold. This dress just showed us who is really colorblind and who is not. You, my friend, are colorblind.