To wander and wonder

I haven’t written something out on a whim for so long, and I guess it won’t hurt if I try it again tonight.

I’m not okay.

And I’m surprised that I didn’t think twice writing that and telling it to all of you (if someone actually reads my writings HAHA). Lately, I’m being crashed by the waves of doubt and nervousness. It’s familiar, but different.

All the words that I wanted to release are all jumbled up inside my mind and it frustrates because before I used to do this easily. I’m slowly realizing that before, I used to enjoy writing.

I’m not even sure if I’m making sense. 

Maybe I’ll make it through again. Maybe I could be myself again. Maybe I could actually believe in myself more the way I used to. And hopefully, when that time comes, I’ll probably go back here and say, “Maybe I shouldn’t have stressed myself out so much because it didn’t matter. The people did not care about me or my mistakes or what I’ve done or what I’ve accomplished and didn’t. They were mere spectators of my life and I shouldn’t have thought about it and them so much that I ruined what I could’ve done before. But now, I’m okay, I’m trying, and I’m continuously fighting.”

The sun had already set on the 26th of September in the year 2014 when someone unfamiliar hesitantly approached me. “Hi! Pwede bang magpapicture friend ko? Kamukhang kamukha mo kasi ‘yung kakilala niya,” Ate Mel Macapagal said. Of course, being a self-proclaimed outgoing person I said yes. During those times, it did not occur to me yet how that teeny-tiny bit of experience would have such a big impact on my life. That was the beginning of how I met Kuya Mano (+ matwas of The Nexus.)

             Manuel “Mano” Sebastian Bautista de la Cruz was born on August 5, 1990 and is the son of Tomas Vicente G. de la Cruz and Bernardita C. Bautista. A homegrown of Mabalacat, Pampanga and is now currently residing at Quezon City. You don’t need to know his whole bio data anyway, so I’m going to stop it right there. But I’m going to add the fact that you’ll automatically know it’s him when he’s walking; he has a TLR camera; he brings his kindle book that houses books from Alan Watts to his favorite book, The Little Prince; he can speak, read, and write in Kapampangan; and he is my inspiration in life.

             Kuya Mano and I met at a very interesting point in my life. I was in my chapter of the fusion of confusion and destruction of my love for writing. He became my epiphany. Sort of like a mentor in life, too. Every other day of my freshmen year, we would always bump into each other at the office and would have endless conversations with various topics— from the theories of the universe to Haruki Murakami to people we both despise and to the shortcomings of life.

           He is an old soul. He sees the world in a different perspective. Perhaps in a higher ground too. He is old in the heart, the mind, and the soul. Maybe this is a factor why when I first spoke to him, I knew that he would have a lot of lessons to impart to me.

             One day, I had a rough time in one of my classes. I felt incompetent and was on the brink of giving up. I was crying. I was spewing out unnecessary rants. I felt lost. But he was there and he only uttered these words to make me feel better and put a sense into my brain: “Eka magbusit.” He said it in a very chill way. Think Bob Marley with a mix of Barney Stinson kind of voice. This became my mantra. It works and he believes that every one should know this. “Busit kills.”

             When Kuya Mano was still starting to jump into the realm of writing, he was in his high school years. “I was writing love letters in English for my classmates that they'd give to their girlfriends. I got paid for it. I'm also a voracious reader, so I guess writing comes naturally,” he recalled. Coincidentally, kuya Mano and my sister also exchanged love letters but completely forgot all about it and even each other.

           “Never stop writing.” Kuya Mano encouraged me to write everyday even if my day is not eventful— especially then. He told me that it’s okay to be lost because through that, we will find that we are not alone, that there are other people who are experiencing the same situation and that’s okay. It’s okay to still find yourself. It’s okay to still be confused, so long as you’re doing something that will get you closer to what you really want in life.

          Trapik.

          Pasensya na, hindi ko kasi alam kung papaano ko ito sisimulan. Hindi rin ako sigurado kung mayroon ba talagang katumbas sa Filipino ang salitang traffic. Pero sana maaliw naman kayo sa munting istorya na ibabahagi ko. Kung antukin man kayo, gora lang bes. Medyo inaantok din kasi ako noong sinusulat ko ‘to. Pero, huwag niyo naman akong tulugan. Sayang naman pinag-puyatan ko. Binayaran ng eyebags ko ‘to.

           Noong Linggo, habang ako’y nakahiga sa kama, tumunog cellphone ko. Niyaya akong ng kaibigan kong umalis. Pumayag ako. Pumayag ako kasi tinatakasan ko mga responsibilidad ko sa eskwela; pumayag ako kasi alam ko sulit. Ang sarap kaya sa pakiramdam ng ganoon. ‘Yung magkaroon ng kaibigan na ikaw ang maaalalang yayain kapag Linggo. Eh diba, yung Linggo eh “family day.” Parang itinuring na rin niya akong pamilya niya. Pero ewan, siguro medyo nag-feeling lang ako noong naisip ko ‘yan.

           Ayon nga, umalis kami. Sinundo ko siya sa may McDonald’s Nepo Quad.

           Segue lang ah? ‘Yung McDonald’s na ‘yan, testigo ng mga iba’t-ibang emosyon ng mga tao. Dyan nangyayari ‘yung mga “Kita kits 9AM! Kapag wala ka, sana magkaroon ka ng tilis sa pwet.” Okaya ‘yung mga “Hi sis! Color yellow suot ko. Dala ko na rin ‘yung order mo na Gluta pills. Sana mabayaran mo na ng buo. Thx.” Meron din naman mga “Usap tayo, babe.” Pero ang pinakagusto ko sa lahat ay ‘yung “Gusto mo bang dumoble ang 3K mo sa loob ng isang linggo?”

           Namumuo na ang trapik sa may Nepo kaya agad ko siyang tinext “Labas ka na.” Lumabas siya. Syempre, alanga naman lumipad siya. Oh diba? Medyo tumatalab na ang tsokolateng kanina ko pa kinakain. Itinigil ko ang kotse para makapasok siya, syempre alanga naman pahabulin ko siya, diba? Noong pagpasok niya, natuwa ako. Natuwa ako kasi parehas ‘yung kinang ng aming mga mata. Ang tagal ko siyang hindi nakasama. Nag-break na si Taylor Swift at Tom Hiddleston. Nakapag-release na rin na ng bagong album si Frank Ocean. May itinayo nang bagong mall na tinaguriang Newpoint. Dumagdag na ang stretchmarks ko. Nagkaroon na rin ng kuko ‘yung pinakadulo kong daliri sa paa. Iilan na ang nangyari, pero ngayon pa lamang kami magkakasama ng ganito.

           Dumaan kami sa Carmenville para agad kami makapunta sa Friendship hi-way papuntang SM Clark. Natatakot kasi akong dumaan sa may intersection papuntang Porac. Palaging trapik.

           Segue ulit. Simula third year high school ako sa Holy Family Academy, sira na ‘yung stoplight ‘don. Siguro, mga isang linggo ko lamang naranasan ‘yung stoplight noong doon pa ako nag-aaral. Pero naalala ko, may isang traffic enforcer na nakakaaliw nakikita doon kasi kahit sobrang traffic at buhol buhol na ang mga sasakyan, naka-ngiti at may konting kiliti pa rin sa kanyang mga galaw. Ganoon ‘yung mga taong gustong gusto kong nakikita— ‘yung kahit nahihirapan na, tuloy parin para sa ikaaunlad ng sitwasyon ng iba.

          Tumatakbo na ng 60km/h ang sasakyan sa loob ng Clark. Tumatakbo na rin ang aming mga isip. Sa paglalakbay namin mula sa McDonald’s hanggang sa Clark, marami rami na rin ang aming napag-usapan. Napaka-swabe nga eh. Tuloy tuloy lang at walang hinto. Siya kasi ‘yung taong, bawat lumalabas sa bibig mo pinakikinggan niya at tinutuunan ng pansin. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa kurso niyang Psychology, o dahil naranasan niya na dati na hindi pinakikinggan ang bawat salita at emosyon na kanyang ibinabahagi sa ibang tao. Napansin ko rin sakanya na hindi siya nakikinig para lamang may sabihin siya sayo, nakikinig siya para intindihin ka niya.

         Siya rin ‘yung taong alam na alam na may problema ka. ‘Yung tipong itetext mo lang sakanya “Hi” pero agad niyang sagot sayo “Nasan ka? May problem ba?” Ang bilis maging paranoyd, pero madalas alam niya kung anong nangyayari. Anim na taon ko ba naman kaibigan. Buti nalang hindi pa siya sawa sa mga corny kong biro.

         Papalabas na kami ng Clark Main Gate, pero nakikita ko na ang pila ng iba’t ibang uri ng sasakyan. Nagsisimula na rin akong kabahan. Alam niyo ‘yung kaba na nasa eskwela ka na tapos biglang sasabihan ka ng kaklase mo, “Nagawa mo ba ‘yung 10 page essay na homework natin?” GANON BES.

           Hindi ko alam dati na ‘yung spelling pala ng segue ay segue. Akala ko Segway. Buti na lang at sinabi niya sa akin na ganyan pala talaga spelling. Niligtas niya ako sa mga darating na kahihiyan.

           Kung madalas kayong dumadaan sa Main Gate ng Clark, mapapansin niyo ‘yung dalawang linya. ‘Yung isa para sa may mga sticker, at ‘yung pangalawa para sa mga wala. Dati hindi naman ito pinapatupad. Kahit saan ka pa dumaan, okey lang. Pero naalala ko noong si papa ko dumaan sa may “With Sticker”, hinarangan kami ng guard. Bawal daw ‘don. Kaya simula noon, natuto na akong dumaan sa tama. Natuto na rin akong lumugar sa iba’t ibang aspeto ng buhay.

            Mabuti nang malaman niyo ngayon pa man na ang inilakbay namin na halos 30 minuto papunta sa gusto naming paruonan ay nauwi rin sa 5 minutong pagtapak namin sa loob ng SM Clark. Mas mabuti rin kung sasabihin kong ang paglabas namin sa SM Clark ay inabot ng mahigit 20 minuto. Ano nga ba ang punto ng lahat ito?

           Humanap ka ng taong magpapakalimot sa’yo sa mga hirap ng buhay. Hindi mo naman kakalimutan, pero bibigyan ka niya ng bagong perspectibo kung paano mo titingnan ang mga dinaranasan mong hirap. Kagaya ng pagdanas ko sa trapik. Sa bawat lugar kung saan mayroon trapik, doon ko tiningnan na mayroon palang mga ala alang mabuti at may aral na matututunan.

         Inspiration comes during the most unexpected moments— as for me, it came when I was half-asleep at 2 in the afternoon. I have been thinking about this column for four days. Notice that I said “thinking” instead of “working.” I was trying to make a mental structure of my column inside my brain, but for four days, I got nothing until now.

             I remember before our Preparatory graduation, we had to think of a profession that we would want to pursue when we grow up. So every time we had a graduation exercise, those professions are the ones that we will say right after we state our name. I had so many in my mind: pilot, astronaut, nurse, and even doctor! But that was only because they sound “cool” or because I was just copying my classmates. “I’m Tamera Joy Christi O. Sibal and when I grow up…” what do I really want to be?

             During the seminar of one of the most highly respected broadcast journalists, Karen Davila, she said, “Never do things half-heartedly.” This line struck me. It left a pang in my heart and a thought in my brain, “How come I have never realized this before?” Before entering college, I have so many goals. I promised myself to grab every opportunity that comes my way, but over the course of three years, I only proved one thing: fear has a way of getting into you, and you should brave yourself in order to overcome it.

             To be honest, writing this column brings me into a nerve-wrecking trance that I want to wake up to. I am always scared and anxious about writing, even if writing is, I believe, my greatest weapon. I confess. My previous writings, from school requirements to newspaper articles, were done half-heartedly. They were written just “because.” For me, they were only written to fill in spaces.

             But I still believe in my growth as a writer. Currently, I am the Managing Editor of The Nexus, which is the official publication for the School of Arts and Sciences. To be part of the editorial board already means that some people actually believe in what I can do, and it is my duty to fully commit myself to the people and the publication.

Hiiiiiii hahahahahaha I’m just freely writing everything that comes to mind um elephants and donuts and water is the best hahahahaha 

Some updates

1. I will be posting the articles that I wrote for our Journalism class last semester.

2. The 2nd semester is slowly creeping....

Written by: Tam Sibal // Word suggestion by: Mikaella Mariano

☯

We are made up of 60% water. But I forgot about that because I was too busy zoning out while my teacher was teaching us that. I honestly just googled the amount of water we have inside us. But you know what? I thought we were made up of dreams, passion, critical opinions, quotes from our favorite books, memories from our younger years, alcohol, movies, and our typical mundane problems. 

I was made up of a whole new level of failure.    

With a hint of 40% you; of your touch, your sweet-scented perfume that you got from your dad, your hands that always intertwine with mine, your words that slowly immense from my ears to my whole being. I thought I was made up of your promises; promises that I’ll get better, promises that assured me you’ll be there during my toughest times. I thought I was made up of our future plans.

Written by: Tam Sibal // Word suggestion by: Mikaella Mariano

☯

You woke up by the time your second alarm rang. You tied your shoelaces much like how you tied your body together in order for you to go to school today. You were tired from last night. You spent all night trying to rationalize what would have been and what you could have done. You were okay. At least you were trying to.

There are a number of times where in a teacher tapped your back during her class— mostly because you were asleep during their classes these days. Unlike before, where in you’d ace the subject. You were okay.

An unwanted stone helped you tripped when you were on your way home. It gave you a really bad bruise on the side of cheeks— the cheek where he kissed you good-bye before the both of you parted ways. Instead of condemning it, you finally had the guts to tell yourself, “It’s okay.” 

There is a vast horizon for the words that you wanted to hear from people. But you only needed to hear three words: you ARE okay.

-

In our 3rd grade music class, we were taught how to play the lyre. Every meeting, we would go out of room and be seated on the pavement in front of our school canteen. I can still vividly remember that one time my music teacher pushed my classmate onto the rough pavement, which resulted, to him having bruises on his face and arm just because he did not fully practiced and understand the instrument.

After that incident, he immediately grabbed me and told me, “Samahan mo ako. Magsusumbong ako.”

In 3rd grade, I saw how a 9-year-old kid stood up for himself in an institution where they conform to save themselves from the hassle and consequences that would follow subsequently.

In 3rd year high school, I was given the responsibility of leading a class of 40 students. It was spontaneous and scary at the same time. How can a goof ball like me lead a diverse class? I did not come to mind that I never really had the passion for this not until I broke down one morning because I heard someone question my way of thinking and how I handle a class.

After that incident, I would always wish that their eyes would not turn to me whenever our teacher say, “Sino ang gusto niyong leader sa group?”

In 3rd year high school, I considered myself much like a specimen during your biology class. You rip my body open, keenly examine the parts I have inside, remove little fragments and slowly seam me, expecting me to be much more whole.

In college, you won’t really be able to count the times that someone made you feel as if you’re not doing your best. But there would be bonus points. Someone that actually cares for you and for your growth will write on your exam paper and say, “You have the skills in writing.” and that will never amount to the times that someone stepped on your existence.

And after those incidents, you will be able to recognize that you have weaknesses too, and you will be able to fully accept that you are not as bad as you think you really are.

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ganoon. Pero kwento ko nalang kung anong nangyari. Wala rin naman masyado nagbabasa dito kaya lakompake na rin. (Wow, from formal Filipino to lakompake real quick HAHA)

Yung natandaan ko nalang, parang final exam namin yon sa PE. Kaming mga estudyante ang mamimili ng gagawin namin. Imbis na sayaw okaya kung ano man sports, eh ginawa ko nag Kung Fu ako. Sa unang bahagi ng kwento sa panaginip ko, medyo nagdududa yung mga kaibigan ko pati narin yung guro namin. 

Fast forward na sa exam day. Ako ‘yung unang una na magpapakita ng aking makakaya. Freestyle ang dating ko kaya medyo keribells lang. May pasayaw sayaw pa ako sa una. Bonggang dance number hanggang sa kalagitnaan. 

Hay nako, fren! Sa bahaging ito, nakita ko sa panaginip ko ‘yung mga mukha ng mga taong nasa paligid ko, tila nakatatak sakanilang mga mukha ang kaba, takot at kahit na ang mukhang alam nila na hindi ko ito magagawa. Pero pakyu sila, kasi nakayanan kong gawin ang isa sa mga napakahirap na move sa buong performance ko. Pagkatapos noon, tunog ng mga kamay at kanilang mga sigaw ang naririnig ko. Ghurl, feeling ko champion na ako talaga. Feeling ko daig ko na si Pacman.

Tapos nagising na ako.

Wait, alam ko na kung bakit ganito panaginip ko. Napakatanga ko naman na hindi ko ito naintindihan noong una. Alam niyo, ako kasi yung taong sobrang mahina ang loob. Napakarami kong takot. Sa 17 na taon na buhay ako, may mga bagay na kahit 6 years old ay makakayanan pero ako hindi. Siguro, sa pamamagitan ng panaginip na ito, nireremind ako na harapin ko ang mga takot ko. Na huwag akong matakot bumagsak, huwag akong matakot magkamali. Nainggit nga ako doon sa Tam sa panaginip ko. Sobrang lakas ng loob. Pucha, siguro kung ako ‘yun, kahit yung dance number pa hindi ko gagawin e.

I was never the “traveler” type of a person. Yes, we do go to different places a lot, but I do not see myself as a traveler, I see myself merely as a tourist. Unlike my dad, who is very good at public relations, I only listen. I listen to him whenever he asks the local people about the place’s heritage, or about the best local food we can eat. I’m not much of a speaker; rather I’m a listener. But then again, we cannot look past the hindrances of being a listener. One of which is the presence of social media. So this 2015, I will try my best to be a traveler and to set my life’s aperture at f/1.2.

To set expose your life to the brightest exposure, one must keep in mind that there will be times where in you must take risks and get out of your comfort zone. This summer of 2015, I will expose myself to as much people and places in order for me to broaden my knowledge and skills. I want to meet new people, I want to discover new places, I want to taste new food, and I want to be the best version of myself.

u are a speck, darling

u are a glowing speck of dust

I have been sitting here in front of my laptop for about 10 minutes now and I still do not know what to do, what to make, what to write, where to start.

The year passed by so fast. Way faster than the night when I was trying to finish an article, or that one afternoon when I decided I'd stay in our publication's office to think and vent out my feelings. It was so fast that it felt like I was just in another realm of my dreams and that I had just woken up.

To my favorite class president, Karl Angelo Cunanan, thank you for the nomination. I suck at blogging and this pushed me to write and update my blog again.

Woohoo! Let's get to it!

                                                    ❀❀❀

Terms of Agreement:

1. Create a post and thank the person who nominated you. 2. Answer the 11 questions. 3. Nominate 3-5 people with less than 200 followers because they deserve it. 4. It’s your time to nominate and ask 11 random matter.

                                                   ❀❀❀

The Questions: 1. Why do people daydream?

   ❀ Personally, I think people daydream because they want to get away from the reality because often times, the place they go to, the people they meet and the things they do when they day dream are better than the reality they are in.

2. If you are asked to write down the name of one person and put it in a bottle and throw it into the sea, who will it be and why?

   ❀ My name. I feel like throwing a bottle with my name on it into the sea is like throwing myself OUT THERE so I could learn to float on my own with the help of the waters (my experiences, my own strengths too) beneath me. AY PUNYETA ANO DAW?

3. Do you believe in 11:11?

   ❀ No. I believe that we do not have to wait for 11:11 in order for us to have the chance to wish and hope for it to come true. We can wish any time of the day and still hope for the wish, the dream, to come true.

4. If you are the writer of the film “Titanic”, what will its alternate ending be?

   ❀ Not really the ending but... I'd change the boat to an Up Up and Away ride.

5. Who would you rather be: Steve Jobs or Bill Gates?

   ❀ Can I be a mix of both?

6. 75 years from now, what will the world look like?

   ❀ Rainbows and butterfiles. Nah, just kidding. I have a feeling the world will still look like what it is now... I just hope not because we live in a fucked up world. 

7. What does the fox really say?

   ❀ "People tryna figure out I'm saying. Foxes don't fucking talk, bitches."

8. What is your greatest fear?

   ❀ Picture this: It is the middle of the night, say 11:45 PM, and you are inside of your room, probably reading or texting or tweeting, and then suddenly, you hear a knock on bedroom window. As you slowly gaze out the window, you see a fucking clown with a fucking knife with that creepy fucking grin. 

9. If you could be someone for a day, who will it be and why?

   ❀ To be Chloe Moretz because hello?????? Brooklyn Beckham???????????? jflsjdhfladuvl 

10. What will be the cause of a zombie apocalypse?

   ❀ Season finale of The Walking Dead maybe

11. If you died today, what will be your greatest contribution to humankind?

   ❀ My witty tweets. (Well, not really witty but meh)

                                                   ❀❀❀