I Don't Know

I’m learning the lesson about over-dependence on one person the hardest fucking way.

I’m writing this from within the hospital, in the midst of true crisis. One day, when you have recovered, I want you to sit and relish in the joy of being okay. Feel the gratitude, the excitement for your future, the present. Present me can’t wait to be where you are.

Not me already planning how we can get back together in a few years once we’ve both grown. My goodness.

100 days vape free and I didn’t succumb to hitting the vape the day my relationship ended and I was drunk during Stampede. Alleluia.

We single out here

The thought of leaving my partner to process things herself genuinely makes me sick. Like she’s my partner. To go from one day being her rock to the next being nothing. It feels like a failed obligation and it feels so wrong and disgusting honestly.

I never want you to forget how incredibly sweet, kind, funny, and charming K is when she’s feeling good. She is my dream girl. Affectionate and loving, smiley and goofy. Smart and patient. After almost 4 years, I still catch glimpses of that fairytale girl. She’s real. These moments are not constant and maybe that’s part of the joy of them. If they ever become infrequent, that will be tough. But as of now, she’s still there.

vaping comes with the want to lose control. no pressure to you baby but I do think you want to feel like you’re in control over the next few weeks

I feel like I’m the only one who sits up late, intently journaling and googling my thoughts about our relationship. trying to fix it

I would like a partner to help me try and help me feel better when I’m upset. is that unfair? I genuinely don’t know

it’s basically a toss up of having someone who supports me unconditionally and un-judgmentally but also doesn’t communicate the same way as me and doesn’t understand my emotions.

I had a very explicit dream that K thought it was okay to fuck in the middle of a hallway at some institution like university. she initiated this and was just fingering me from behind. I remember it felt quite good but I couldn’t get over how many people were looking and how illegal that probably was. she had an attitude like “this is fine, people do it all the time” lol

I want you to want to know me

I’m not sure I can be in a relationship with someone who consistently withdraws. I need someone who would reach out