OLD

Tired of guys hitting on you in your favorite bar?

Ask the bartender for a straight two fingers of Old Gold Ultimate Aged Whiskey and down it quickly. Then, wait for the shock and then the "Golden" glow, followed by yet another shock.

Only a special group of guys will dare hit on you now!

And yes, these are all before and after photos.

Old Gold Ultimate Aged Whiskey has a deep, smokey flavor thanks to our patented "Ultimate Ageing Process," which will give you a warm inner glow that you will never forget.

Warning, however, Old Gold can have a remarkable side effect on first-time imbibers, giving you your own Ultimate Aged Golden Glow for a time.

Say perhaps a day, or a week, or a month.

Don't worry; it eventually wears off… Most of the time.

Emilie Silver was the only one who humored her two eccentric Aunts, Flora and Madeline. The rest of the family said they were simply too mad, bad, and dangerous to be around. They had been rogue pharmacists and botanists in the ’60s and ’70s, fueling the psychedelic era with all the basic and new crazy potions of their own.

The fact that they have recently taken to perhaps dangerous play with a large collection of advanced Crispr Kits in their retirement didn’t help matters.

Emilie, however, thought that was just terribly unfair. Also, it didn’t hurt that the two were apparently insanely wealthy, and Emilie didn’t think it would hurt at all, being the only one of their kin to visit and help them out regularly.

It would have perhaps been wiser if she had just limited her help to making lunch and dusting their home and not agreed to be the test subject for their latest project.

“Dong?” asked Emilie when they told her the name.

“D.isguise O.verN.ight G.uaranteed” pronounced Madeline, “designed to create a fantastic foolproof new look in just eight hours or less while you sleep.” added Flora.

“Will you be the first to try it?” they asked with enthusiasm.

“No,” said Emilie

“We’ll pay you Sixty thousand to do it, just one dose,” said Flora

“Alright,” said Emilie.

And so the two women set her in a chair and proceeded to do their thing as Emilie downed their potion.

“Just take a nap right where you are, and we’ll see how things look in the morning,” said Madeline.

Emilie was going to insist that she find a bed instead, but before she knew it, she was fading into darkness.

She awoke what felt like just a few minutes later, but she knew it had to be longer. She felt fine, but for some reason, the room around her seemed slightly out of focus.

“Well, our brew sure did its work!” said Flora, “here, these will help,” said Madeline, handing her a pair of glasses.

Emilie put them on, and the room came into sharp focus, as did Emilie’s view of the mirror in front of her.

Impressed was not the word that first came to Emilie’s mind, but it was definitely something like that.

Emilie got her 60 K and a whole new life, whether she was ready for it or not, and she was prepared to do it all on her own as who would believe she was still Emilie Silver, most particularly her boyfriend, or, she was sure, soon-to-be ex-boyfriend.

"Vintage Glory Shampoo?" said Helen Sutter. "Plump up my hair in less than a week? I'll believe it when I see it."

She took two bottles, thinking she would need all the help she could get.

One week later, she was back.

"What the actual Hell!" she said on her return. "Is this for real? What did that stuff do to me?!!?"

Oh yes, Helen, it's totally real and for keeps.

"Vintage Glory Shampoo? Never heard of it, but what the heck," says Penny Mayfair. "What could go wrong?"

Of course, she being in a hurry, we used Fast Acting Vintage Glory.

In and out in less than an hour.

But Penny still got the full effect for her time in the salon!

Vintage Glory Shampoo is guaranteed to give your hair more body and luster than any formula on the market.

Here, we see Miss Audrey Brakenwidge about to get a free sample of the first batch.

Good luck, Audrey!

Did the staff use a tad too much? Perhaps, but look at that volume!

To say nothing of the extra body, yes, the effect is a rather "grey" volume, among other effects, but you can't say you don't see an amazing difference.

Newlyweds Henry and Carol Svensen, looking for an exotic but inexpensive place to spend their first weeks together, happened on an out of the way site in Wisconsin called Elli Springs, the ads for which promised it had been touched by the Norse Gods, they also promised special surprises for the ladies… whatever that meant.

What it meant, the Svensens found out, was that indeed it seemed someone had been able to invoke one of the old Norse gods, or more to the point, goddesses, Elli, the Norse Goddess of a favorable old age was now calling it home. And it seemed Elli only lay her blessings on the female visitors.

It all sounded pretty silly. However, it took only a few days for the pair to see that something was going on! Henry insisted they beat feet right then.

Carol, however, was getting something from her swims with Elli that Henry couldn't understand and insisted they stay just a little longer.

That stay turned into a full two weeks. That was when Carol dried herself off and thought that perhaps they had overstayed their visit. Elli's ministrations were quite something to see by that time, So they left.

The changes however didn’t stop even after the Svensens left.

One year later, they came back for their first year anniversary.

Mary Rinecoffe had had all she could take from her ungrateful granddaughter Jessica. Spending her money like it was tap water from her more than generous allowance was one thing, but breaking into her bank account and stealing over a million and, worst of all, pilfering and pawning some of the priceless esoteric objects d'art that Mary collected over the years was beyond the pale.

Fortunately, one of the objects that Jessica had not been able to steal, not that she would have known or cared that it was anything other than a shiny, expensive bauble, was the Amulet of Xōchiquetzal.

Mary made sure she was wearing it after getting it fully charged when Jessica came over, dressed to the nines, and ready to spend the weekend partying after getting her weekly handout.

"Sit down next to me, dear." said Mary, "I have something I need to tell you." Jessica did as she was asked, even though it was clear she just wanted to get the cash and run. "what is it, grandmother?" she asked.

"This!" said Mary, activating Xōchiquetzal's Amulet of Exchange, which, like Jessica liked to do behind her grandmother's back with her money and treasures, the amulet did with something else.

"What's going on? I feel weird!" said Jessica, "I don't doubt that for a moment." replied Mary. "Tell you what, Why don't you stay in and adjust, and I'll take over your clubbing duties and catch you later, say in about a month, maybe two or three, we'll talk about things then."

Jessica watched as her very much changed Grandmother hopped up and dashed out the door.

Are you a simple shop girl in Sheffield, Bristol, or Stoke-on-Trent who longs for life as seen on The Crown, or as you've read about in the spicier tabloids that have their eye on the Royals?

“But I’m just a common lass!” you say?

Then try the latest product from Ye Wyrd Antiquarian Apothecary Inc.

Royal Care Shampoo and Conditioner: Regal Dowager Blend!

Just twelve washings, plush one, during the New Moon, and… you and everyone else will see the results.

No one will doubt you look like you just came from Buckingham Palace.

All the lads will be going from “Here luv git us another pint” to “Yes ma'am!” in quick time. (if married or you have a boyfriend, before you use it, be sure to warn them that there might be a sharpish change in your appearance.)

Or try some of our other Royal Care Shampoo and Conditioner products.