all the things I wish I'd wrote

Yesterday

I found an old subway ticket in my pocket And I thought about minds on an eastern time How I was trying to catch up to my dreams Racing to be three hours ahead Of whatever I wanted to leave behind  And I thought about you standing on 50th Your eyes reflecting something bigger than you could comprehend Something igniting within your words, screaming Desperate to be heard in the shadow of the LEDs

Because back then we were together And we could sing until our hearts burst Like fireworks painted into the dark waters of the Hudson, Until balloons cascaded into the river like our dreams Cascaded from our mouths and into the air Bubbling and fresh and alive  Blooming before us into something beautiful Something golden that wove the city into our eyes,  hearts, and minds and refused to die

And I’ve always wondered why I feel complete standing In the shadows of the looming buildings And under the judgmental eyes of those who’ve had too much And it’s because I’m not whole without you by my side And unlike the sun rising over Jersey, just out of our reach, I’ve never been golden like Grand Central Station at night But within this place, my home away from less of a home,

She sits at the table With her cup of coffee; The milk, the sugar, and cream Stir into the darkness Like an old forgotten dream.

And a young man with a tray Clears the late night tables While the lights flicker above- It's been a tough life, And an even longer day.

Across from him, a young couple Plan their city runaway Under harsh fluorescent lights. Off to dark, cold streets, Escaping in the night. 

Step out on the balcony, and take a look around. Listen to the midnight hour, it doesn't make a sound. Birds don't sing songs without a meaning and a rhyme. The cars, the lights, the sun, they don't synchronize in time.

It's just me alone while everyone's asleep. Nobody saying what to do, or saying who to be. I know now for a fact I've made a dear friend of the moon. He's there when everyone has gone, myself included, too.

The satellites reaching for beyond the golden stars-- They know they've beat me to it, they can see it in my scars. I'll aim my arrow higher, I'll arrive there soon enough, Into the unknown I go, don't try to call my bluff.

They're lined up on the battlefield waiting for a shot To ring out through the night, they're anticipation wrought "Who will be the first to go", they say, underneath the moon Nobody breathes, nobody speaks, nobody makes a move

The canons are loaded, and their strategies are planned Who has the ace, they wonder, who has the upper-hand Routes are drawn and ways are plotted all along the maps They take up guns and take up courage, "Be ready for attack!"

It's time now to discover, whose side the moon is really on Knees are crouched, eyes are narrowed, swords and guns are drawn They whispered in my ear, "Go and break the night" I tensed my finger around the trigger, "Ready, aim, and ignite!"

 One shot is all it took, for everyone to lose their heads What is mine and what is yours, I can't tell with all blood shed The people on our side, and the people we must fight They told us, and we listened, but now we must decide

But is it really worth it, to gamble all our lives The folks back home and pretty girls we once had fancied Might just be reduced to nothing But the foolish gamblers' wives

But alas, I was told to persevere despite my doubt, told to carry on "Can't you see, you wary solider? For us, this battle's won." And by dawn's light, I couldn't think to disagree The bodies on the ground wore the metal of the enemy

The nurse told me to wait in the hall She said you'd be out any minute I was bitter until then for nothing at all She handed you to me in a small blanket

The muscles I had never once used Started shifting into place I had never been more happy then when holding you I felt the strange shape of a smile on my face

You were unnamed then, a reminder of my past But in a better place than I had ever been Holding you forever, cemented where I'm at Here surpasses what I've been stuck in

It's now four in the morning, And what I am to do? I'll head out for a walk in dawn. I get up and tie my shoes.

I'm going going somewhere, I have no destination. I move along like metalwork- Each step with hesitation.

I don't know these streets, And I don't know these faces. I'm new to this uncertainty, And to these unfamiliar places.

The sun's coming up now, And there's a peacock on the corner. Insomnia hugs me tight, but I've been warned about her.

I find a beggar standing there, As reality sets in. He asks for nothing much, But I have even less than him.

He says he's happiest this time, But my mind won't let me talk. I've been to trained to think the worst at night, Even on my "calming" walks.

There's a pebble in my shoe.

I can feel it when I walk.

Disrupting the rhythm of my gait,

It shifts ever so slightly.

As usual, I'll take off my shoe,

And peer inside to find nothing.

It was only a figment of my imagination

Trapping me on the sidewalk.

I watch as cars race past me.

I know I'll never get to see 

Where those passengers end up.

I'm stuck on the sidewalk

Channel flipping in an empty motel room Is like searching for approval amongst judgmental eyes You know you won't find anything worthwhile But you refuse to believe there's nothing left

Settling on MTV with the radio turned up The message they're conveying can't be heard They're telling you who to become and who you were But it's too late, you're left as undefined

Maybe tomorrow, after waking up in this outskirt town You'll find yourself and where you are For now, listen to the white noise of the radio And to cars racing down the interstate at midnight