Ol' Big Jim's Place

(The Wolf, who would like to address several slanderous allegations) Now I have been called “Big” and I have been called “Bad,” often in the same breath and with very little evidence provided for either claim. I’d like to start off by sayin’ that size is a matter of perspective, and badness is often a matter of who gets to tell the story afterward. On Reputation (Which Preceded Me) By the…

(Judas, who would like to correct the record on a transaction) If you’ve heard my name spoken at all, it probably wasn’t in a tone that invited conversation. More often, it is used as a warning. Or a comparison. Or a conclusion somebody else has already reached. I have been called a traitor so many times that the word has worn smooth from handlin’. But I would like to begin with this: A…

(Job’s Wife, who has been quoted once and judged forever) Now, if you’ve heard my name at all, and most folks haven’t, you’ve most likely heard it attached to a single sentence. “Curse God and die.” That’s the line. That’s the whole of me, as history would have it. No context.No background.No mention of what came before or after. Just one sentence, plucked out like a thorn and passed around…

(Goliath, who would like to address several exaggerations) Now, before we begin, I will make one thing perfectly clear: I was not, as has been suggested, overconfident. I was appropriately confident given the available data. On Being a Giant It has been widely reported that I was “nine feet tall,” which I do not dispute, though I will say it tends to become the only thing anyone remembers…

(Jonah & the Whale, in alternating testimony) Jonah If you’ve heard my story told straight, you’ve likely been led to believe I was disobedient. I prefer the term directionally selective. When a man is told to go preach repentance to a city known for its enthusiastic relationship with wickedness, it is only natural he might consider… alternatives. So, I did what any thoughtful individual…

(Noah, who would like to clarify a few things) If you’ve heard the story of the Flood, and most folks have, whether they meant to or not, you’ll know it’s usually told from a respectful distance. Rain fell.Waters rose.Ark floated.Animals behaved better than expected. And somewhere in the middle of all that… There was a man with a hammer. That would be me. On Being “Chosen” Now I’ve been…

(Genesis, as told by the only creature who asked a follow-up question) If you’ve ever heard the story of Eden told proper, you’ll know it goes like this: There was a garden.There was a man.There was a woman.There was a rule. And then there was me. Now I’ve been called a great many things in the years since—tempter, deceiver, original troublemaker, and once, by a particularly upset preacher,…

(Or, The Day the Marlboro Man Coughed Twice and Changed History) It happened on a Tuesday, which is already suspicious, because nothin’ respectable ever begins on a Tuesday unless it intends to become a story. The Marlboro Man, who, for legal and mythological reasons, we will call Buck Pearce, was sittin’ on a fence post out past Dry Creek, watchin’ the sun do its usual business of burnin’ up…