fireproof

“Of course, I’m Uncle Kaiden’s little princess and I have been since before we were even born. Nope too late you went too far I’m gonna find a way into your room and beat you up. Precisely I already lost some attention when Audrey was born I can’t afford to lose anymore. A mini you would be awful. Mixed with mini Katie? Dear god please no.”

“You have Uncle Kaiden, I have Uncle Marty, so basically, Audrey is chopped liver. I’m locking my door and my window. You’ll never make it in. Have fun scaling the house for nothing. Make fun of me all you want, but don’t bring Katie into her. Her qualities would be the best part of the spawn.”

“Uncle Marty thinks everything he sees is the best he’s ever seen. Especially everything you do because I’m pretty sure you’re his favorite out of all of us. Oh you little fucker you’re gonna regret saying that. I’m gonna beat you up in your sleep just you wait. Sure, whatever you say, Mason. I better not be, because then you’d be attracting all of the attention from everyone and then I wouldn’t be getting any. Although it would be kinda cool for Gram to be able to meet her great-great-grandchild… No that’s not reason enough, just don’t get her pregnant a mini you is the last thing we need right now.”

“It’s because Uncle Marty and I just get each other. You’re Uncle Kaiden’s favorite so I don’t see why you’re complaining. I told you I was kidding! Please don’t hurt me. My bedroom door will be locked from now on. So you don’t want me to have a child so that you’ll keep getting attention? No worries, Izzy. Your attention won’t have to be divided with a small child. I think a mini me would be cute though.”

“Mom would have been my audience. And maybe I would have waited to perform until we went to Gram’s house for family dinners with Uncle Kaiden and Uncle Marty and everyone in the family and Dad and I would have put on a great performance that ended with a standing ovation. See? I didn’t need you. No thanks I actually like the way my face looks but hey maybe if you hadn’t busted up your face you would have ended up even uglier than you are now. You lasted four minutes in the womb without me you can’t live without me. Kay don’t get her or anyone else pregnant!”

“We did perform that one time for them on Thanksgiving. Uncle Marty told me I was the best dog that he’d ever seen and that still sticks with me to this day. You’re right though. I used to look a lot more like you. Thank god for my good plastic surgeon. Just kidding, you're pretty, don't hurt me! I only last four minutes because Mom was trying to get me the fuck out of there. I would have stayed for a least another week. Don’t worry, Iz, you won’t be an aunt for at least another five years. I’ve yet to get her pregnant and I’m not about to break my winning streak.”

“I swear I thought I was doing those after she was born. But even if I did do them before she was born I would’ve made Dad do it for me then. Yeah because your games were always so stupid and dangerous like ‘Hey, Iz, let’s see how fast we can ride our bikes down this dangerously steep hill’. See? I was trying to get rid of you even in the womb. What do you mean you don’t have time? What are you doing for the rest of the night?”

“Maybe she was born, but she was too little to put on a good performance. Who would have been your audience then? Exactly. You needed me. Maybe if you would’ve gone down the hill with me we would’ve shared the experience of busting our faces open. I still have a couple of rocks in my cheek. I was probably so relieved when you finally left the womb. Those were my last moments alone. Katie and I are going to a party at Billy Jackson’s house. Too lit for cheese.”

“I could have just as easily put the dog ears on Audrey and she would’ve done just as well. Everyone can be replaced, Masey-Boo. No, you’re going to go to the store and buy more cream cheese if you know what’s good for you because I will fucking fight you.”

“She wasn’t even born yet! You would have had to wait a lot longer. Besides, I always played your games and you never wanted to play mine so you know what? Life isn’t fair. Everyone can be replaced except me. You took up the whole womb and now you want to blast me into oblivion. Unbelievable. I don’t have time to run to the store. Drive Audrey to the store and send her in.”?

“Oh I hope it does because if so then I’ll be one step closer to getting rid of you entirely. Which as you know has been my ultimate goal ever since you were born. You did? You asshole, now what am I supposed to put on my bagel tomorrow morning?”

“You act like you don’t appreciate me. Who have played the dog in all the plays you used to make up? Nobody. It would have been a one woman show. Nothing. You’re gonna eat a plain bagel and you’ll be so sad about it. Fight me, you won’t.”

“Nah, but maybe I’ll have her hang up my Hofstra acceptance letter when I get it.”

“I’m sure she’ll be all into that. It’ll probably replace my school picture above the fireplace. That’s okay though because I used the last of the strawberry cream cheese this morning.”

“Just got my SAT scores, got a 1250. Hofstra here I come.”

“Check you out, smarty pants. Are you gonna frame your score and make mom hang it up?”