you know what you came for

She's so pretty,

She's effortless, fun, with her eyes that glow and the warmth in her presence, and she's so nice, you wish it was easier to hate her, it would make things so simple but it's not, you can't help but smile a little when you see the things she posts on social media sometimes, she looks so happy, she deserves it

It's the little things, seeing her walking down a beach and knowing who she was with, or sitting in the car and knowing who it belongs to, suspecting, you've been suspecting for a while now, it sends a jolt to your heart, a little pang of hurt, and theres nothing you can do about it,

Like now, seeing her across the room from you and her eyes trained on him.

"Have you ever been in love?" He asked you, brown eyes burning gold under the sun and the soft waves of hair framing his face,

"No, I don't think so" you told him, "you're lucky" he sighed closing his eyes, you wonder if you've ever met a person as beautiful as him

"You can't ask me that and not continue" you teased him, a small grin making it onto your face "why is it that the only time I do, it has to be unrequited?" He asked rhetorically

"Ohh you're one of those huh?" He looked at you, your futile attempt to keep the smile in because you weren't making fun of him it was just hard not to smile when he was around,

"Trust me you don't want to be in my shoes" he said, and looked at you for a moment, only to melt into a smile

You should've taken his word for it.

All you can see is them, it's a quite gathering, you're sipping on your 3rd glass of wine in the last hour, they're right there, conveniently in front of you, when they talk it's like theres no one in the room but them, they sit next to each other on the sofa but they don't face anyone but each other, she's smiling and looking down at her hands, he takes a leap of faith and puts his over them,

That's when you look away, frankly it's a little too much for you, its pathetic, this deep seated jealousy that bubbles in the pit of your stomach, it makes you gulp down the rest of your wine and reach over for more, you'd prefer something harder right about now,

It's hard to ignore the look of disappointment damiano gives you, or the fact that you do your best to ignore it, pouring the rest of the wine left into your glass, and wondering where it went wrong,

You need a damn break. So you abandon your glass on the table and make your way to the bathroom, shutting it behind you and wishing you could leave, looking into the mirror with your eyes stingin, hands gripping the granite counter and jaw clenched painfully, this is so fucking pathetic,

I feel so fucking pathetic.

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck.

It takes everything in you to not cry, you can't allow that, can't allow yourself to stoop that low, but god do you feel so stupid, for letting him have this effect on you, for letting yourself fall for him, for letting him kiss you that day outside the club, for letting him touch you and feel you and know you, the way he does. For allowing it, for revelling in it.

So fucking stupid.

And now look at you, hiding away in the bathroom because you saw him with her?

He has wanted her for a long time, you know this, he never hid his love from you, never gave you false hopes, you were there when he'd rant about how stupid he was for loving her the way he does when all she would do is go back to her ex. You were there, wrapping your arms around him when he missed her, giving him your kisses when he craves her, so how could you set yourself up like this when you could see what she did to him?

This is all your fault. Shaking your head and taking a moment to gather yourself you heard a knock on the door, so you collected all the confidence you had to open the door and there she is.

You hadn't prepared yourself for this,

"Hey" she said smiling at you, she sounded happier, looked chirpier "hey" you tried to match her energy but it was pulling you down,

"Long day?" She gave you sympathetic smile and you wished she would just be mean to you, anything to make this better, "yeah" you gave her a tired smile "I think I'll leave soon" she cooed at you "yes I think some sleep will help" you felt her rub your arm and then you were sharing a smile, hers genuine, yours forced and then you were walking away from her and back to your glass,

The liquor felt comforting now but it didn't help you breath, so you made your way out to the balcony taking in a deep breath, but it sounded like you were gasping for air, it did feel like you were suffocating.

"Damn it." You let out a bitter laugh, as you finally let go, let the tears stream down your face,

Why? Why him? I could've loved anyone, anyone at all.

"Y/n" there he is, you don't want him to see you like this but you can't pretend anymore, "she told me you were feeling down, I wanted to check up on you" it just made it worse, the tears wouldn't stop, you shifted from one foot to the other, unsure of what to say when you heard him come closer,

Felt him, his hand on your back, and suddenly it's like you can breath again, you want to sink into him, feel his arms around you and never let go.

But you chose to look away from him, when he stands next to you and tries to read your face, you don't let him, you raise your glass to your lips and do a half assed attempt to wipe away the evidence,

"Hey" his voice is so soft, "hi" you guv him a small smile, all you can muster, "are you okay?" It takes everything to not burst into tears so you nod your head "yeah, everything's okay" "good" he isn't touching you anymore

The distance between his body and yours is hurtful but you can't blame him "I see things are going well" you insinuate "yeah" he breathes out "she looks pretty today" the way to his heart is through her, or the outer bit of it, you never did manage to make it any further it seemed.

"I know, I'm lucky I met her here" you wonder why you do this to yourself. So you hum in reply. And drink the rest of the wine. "you could leave if you want to, if you don't feel well"

You could leave if you want to.

You wonder what it feels like to be important to him. You clench your jaw. "I don't mean it like that-" he starts "no it's okay. I know what you mean" it's easy to storm away, it's an easy excuse to leave the situation,

Rushing inside and grabbing your things, throwing on your jacket and not bothering to say goodbyes when you slip away as quietly as you came in, it stings worse when you notice that he never made an attempt to follow you inside.

Standing out in the cold with your arms around you and tapping your foot timidly as you try to get a cab but there seem to be none around, it's like this shattered your perception, broke down the glass walls of the imaginary world you built, it began on the nights he would seek comfort in you and ended when he left without a word in the morning,

The realization left you broken and withering in it's wake.

"fuori si gela cosa c'è che non va in te?"

(It's freezing outside what's wrong with you)

Then another layer is thrown over you, arms guiding you in a different direction and you follow without any complaints, and then you're sitting inside a warm car, with the owner sitting in the driver's side a few moments later,

"Why in God's name were you standing in the cold outside like that? You gave me a heart attack, when I saw you from the window, when did you even leave"

You look up at Damiano, eyes welling up as you finally allow yourself to break down, melt into a puddle, hiding your face in your hands as loud sobs shake your frame

"Y/n.... tesoro, what's wrong?" "It's over Dami, I tried to pretend for so long but it's over" it's hard to make out your muffled speech but he knows what you're talking about immediately, he always does.

And then hes pulling you into a hug, letting you collapse further and stroking your hair to calm you down, truth is that hes known about this for a while now, the only one that does, he asked you if you and him were a thing, he had told you that the look on your face gave it away, you wonder now if everyone else knew too? If everyone else could see how pathetic you were too.

"I'm so stupid. Why would I lead myself like this— I should've been careful" you pulled away from him "it felt worse today when I saw them together in person today, a-and when I went to the balcony for some air he c-came by to ask if I was okay, for a second dami, I thought he cared for me. L-like I was more to him than a fucking glory hole and he told me I could leave if I wanted to" you laugh bitterly "it's not even his fault he never gave me any hope, but sometimes," you pause

"sometimes when he would cook for me in the morning I would imagine it was real and not just compensation for when he felt like he was using me, I thought that one day— one day he will realise that I can be it for him, like I've been for a year now, so fucking stupid"

He doesn't know what to say, how to comfort his friend of years, it pains him to see her this shattered, theres no one to blame here

"It hurts so much dami" you whisper and all he can do is caress your head "it'll be okay cara mia, I promise it'll get better"

And so just like that, you let yourself believe yet another lie.