that secret

I started going back to the virtual world. Why? Because reality has failed me once again. I feel like in the virtual world, I can more work and I actually enjoy doing them or I have the urge to do them, For reality I don't wish to do any reality work, as I have done alot in the past couple of months. 

In the virtual world I'm in, I work in an office. Doing documents, recruitment etc. Something similar to the real life. Which in a way it is smart. And gets the no life, an actual virtual life. 

So Charlie kik messages roxy, asking who she is.. as if you don't remember who she is. He must've been scrolling down the list of his contact to see who he has, I don't think he should have me on it since i deleted him off mine but I think I am. Cause I didn't block him... I wonder if he was searching for me? Looking at my pictures? I don't change my pictures, because there's no one to impress anymore. No point. I left it as it is.

Not being able to go to places that you wanna go, really sucks. And my boyfriend isn't really helping me out either because he can go to whatever places he wants to go and for the record, i didn't go to dance camp because of him! 

Maybe not entirely because of him but he made me put it off about it. I can't go to sleepovers, I didn't go to dance camp and when I finally want to do something with him, there's always another event where it involves dancing and I can't let that ruin him because oh wow he has his future all together. He has a job, he's able to do whatever he wants... he pretty much has what I want. And thanks to who? Thanks to me! I got him that job! If he didn't know me then he would've been jobless right now or working somewhere shitty!

I don't want to blame him for everything but right now my mind just .. leads everything to him and it's starting to bug me... again.

At one point, you wonder who are your real friends are or what the old ones think of you. But at that moment where you see them all together, it just hints you that, you're out of that circle of friends now. 

You're out of that group of friends where the circle was so tight not even one person can go in or out. But now. It's gone. You say to yourself that it's them who change not you, you're just denying yourself.

It's really you that has change. You change into someone that doesn't connect with them anymore. I am pushing the blame on myself but it is also their fault for just developing into so many things in the outside high school life. I'm left behind, and I'm not okay with that.

You come to realise that, it's you who needs to get out there and find a new circle that you are welcome in and connected to. It will take time, it will be hard. But in the end, it will be worth it.

Just cause you're not in that group of circle anymore, doesn't mean that the memories are still not there. It will always remain in your heart. The good moments to the bad. They were all worth it.

Alex from Paul Dane called me up, giving me the heads up that I may not be getting more shifts as the top sellers will have more advantage of being rostered. 

Review as a worker in Paul Dane?

It's a fun environment, if you make sales. If you don't, they will just look down on you and you won't feel good about yourself. Sometime they sneak a little to get you more sales because they feel bad, but it make look good on your target sale, but you would just feel shit about yourself. As like you didn't do much and get you that much, but that's not all your work.

The workers there are lovely people, but the big family bosses? They are nice at first but after you work there and then they see how you are, they judge you and then they will tell you to pick up your pace by your second shift. They are nice people, lovely people actually, but when it comes for you to do bad or a mistake you do, you get the worst treatment. Their way of building a good relationship with their workers is just pretty much looking it at their own perspective and not the actual workers who are out on the field doing actual work.

I was sad last night for them to give me that kind of call because their pay is pretty decent and stable for someone like me but in a way I feel relief because now I can focus on the project that I'm doing, since I'm also planning to stop receptioning at Crossover as well. 

I just like asked... the goddess of employment to send me her resume. I didn't how to ask her, like, she was the goddess in my school before she graduated and how was I suppose to approach her? I mean really, she's the goddess! I even prepared a full statement on my notes just to know how to ask her. Like... You know there's always that one successful person you know and you just wish to get their advice on stuff but you barely know them. Like I know her, I've been with her to parties and stuff and talk to her here and there but like, she is the type of person well... looks like the type of person that helps only her friends. I'm more of an acquaintance towards her.

Now I'm just waiting on a reply. It's really nerve wrecking. She's someone successful for god sake! She got into art express, she is an amazing artist, she got a scholarship from art departments or design colleges or whatever! I mean really, she is just amazing.

Amanda Sampol, she is my idol. She is beautiful.. She's perfection.. I admire her hard-work in everything she does.

She just mailed me back, SHE'S SENDING IT!?! OHMYGOD! ... I'm actually quite speechless right now... I did not expect her to say yes that easily. But she didn't say she remembered me so she probably didn't haha, well, if she didn't then why would she send it.. so she remembers me right?

Since she dropped out of school, her school friends still invited her to parties and stuff and she went to the party. She was full worrying about what to wear, how should her hair be, what make-up and all she wanted was a guy, she wanted a boyfriend out of that party... no way. If i was her in her situation, I would be looking for a guy to play around with, nothing so commited. I mean sure yeah play around first and then maybe something commited, but you don't set your mind to it because it'll stop you from everything.

She wants to have a boyfriend... Why do you want to have a boyfriend, she's still young and she's seeking, I think she should just go with the flow. 

The guy at the party, his name is marlin, she showed me the conversation and he is such a massive flirt! And the way he flirts is just like... A sweet flirt. Better than Josh... Waaay better than Josh.

I actually don't remember half these people on my facebook friends. How did I or them added me? Did we meet somewhere?

It's been actually so long since he last had a girlfriend. The last girlfriend I can remember was Kathleen Cai. She was literally a pure beauty, and I'm pretty sure only would be just as happy to have her as an ex. She was pretty, sweet and caring. They dated around year 7, it went for a while, perhaps 6 months or so. And since then, I don't recall any other girlfriend... Oh! Wait, no I believe that was Thien who dated Myy, I'm pretty sure he dated someone else but I just can't remember. Maybe one of those Canterbury Girls, or maybe I'm still thinking about Thien, it's hard to tell since they both ruined my life. Except Luke, oh that's the guys name by the way, Except Luke ruin my relationship with the one I fell in love with, my childhood best friend. I believe its for my mistake at PCYC basketball where I used to go just to go out late. 

I may have unconsciously flirted with Harry... That skinny, stubborn Harry. Well I did remember him when he was skinny. Back in the days, where I was literally an LG, well I tried to be. Pretty sure I was called by that by some people behind my back, but still. It was fun. Single, hitting up older guys. Why not? Hhaaha Back in the days.

For me, having to tell a lie, is something I want to actually do. I've been telling everybody that I got an internship for Marque, a night club at star-city where every person I know goes or wish to go. Where all those rich people go as well. I want to be one of the event organiser for that. 

No one needs to know about this lie. Because it will become the truth. I know it. They'll treat me better with it, they'll want to talk to me and they'll want to be my friend. But it won't happen, I know who is my friend and who isn't. I'm not going to be like i was when I was in primary school. The things I became to become a popular girl. Was not worth it. But there was one thing that was worth it when I was in primary school, getting the most hottest and cutest and most popular guy in the school to like me. And he did. And then that was our little secret. 

His name was Haseeb Yousaf. He was the cutest guy in the school and he played soccer, there was this gate way in school from the top of the school to the field, where I can watch him play. Back then the internet was still new and the school made us a school email, we used that to contact each other. He confessed to me that he liked me and I was filled with joy. Each time when we got to school I would see him during lunchtime and I wouldn't know what to say, he comes up to me time to time to talk to me, but when that happened, Yasmeen and Rea hated me even more. They pretended to be my friend once upon a time and they used me, but once they thought I was taking him away from them, which I was technically, they hated me. But it didn't matter to me, as long as I was talking with him, that's all it mattered. 

I remember how every Wednesday there was this after school program where everyone would just hang and chill. I would meet up with him down at the fields where the garden was and we'd talk and hang out.

Tonight's the night of the party, whether to be excited or not.. who knows. Photos will be taken and they will be posted online, maybe he'll see them. Guys lately are attracted to girls that party a lot, have you notice? It's true though. The ones who goes party, gets hooked up more, get the guys talking to them more via asking them to go and stuff. And clubbing, I haven't even been yet, but it's hard to go when you're in a relationship. You just can't go pretty much. Julie ask me to go clubbing with her this saturday, but I'm already going to a party today, but it's not the party that you guys are thinking of. It's a 18th birthday party and it is a costume party with the theme of Disney.

After watching this tv-show call awkward, I started to think that the main character Matty, is someone that I would love to have in reality. And that person would be Declan. Maybe I should go visit him before he comes back, I always wondered what it would feel like to kiss him. 

5 years ago, I did a singing video for one of my exs and it came back to bite me in the ass once. He did a video dedicating to me and it has come back to bite me in the ass more than once. Do I really want to do another singing video? I know my voice has change and I know what's good or bad but... I don't want it to come back biting me in the ass. I know there are friends that will back me up if any asshole makes a comment like that again. This time, I will have friends that will talk with me.