Diary of A Peasant

Other people are not medicine.

you were right, it wasn’t choosing sides, you were never onmine.

you should never have to convince someone you are worthy of love - they should know that with every atom of their heart.

the thing about trust - once you break it, it is forever cracked.

there are two kinds of people in this world - those who want to disappear in love, and those who want to be found.

and here’s a wonderful thing you need to know - you don’t need to make someone look bad, to make yourself look better.

i. i am sorry for letting them break your heart. i am sorry for going back, again and again, for letting them shatter what was already broken. ii. i am sorry for cutting your precious skin. i am sorry for making you bleed. i am sorry for all the scars that will never heal. iii. i am sorry for hating you. i am sorry for hating your flesh, for hating the way it spilled over, the way it wouldn’t obey, the way it moved and danced. i am sorry for hating your abundance.  iv. i am sorry you were never enough. i am sorry for never seeing the victories and only counting the defeats. i am sorry for making you break when you could no longer bend. i am sorry for not knowing when to stop, when to breathe, when to take a moment to let the world sink in. v. i am sorry for making you cry. i am sorry for not protecting you better, for not guarding you and guiding you. vi. i am sorry i pushed you too hard. i am sorry i didn’t see it in time. i am sorry i spent half my life trying to break down what my parents built up. i am sorry. please tell me how to fix it. please tell me i can fix it.

the saddest thing is when you are no longer surprised when someone breaks your heart.

there are some people you just know you want around, and it makes no sense, not after everything, and you can’t explain it, because it defies all logic, all sense, because you don’t know it in your mind, you know it in your gut, and your gut has been wrong before, it has, but with them you just know. you know that even if you end up being wrong - they’re worth being hurt over.

I mean, it’s impossible to fake anything if you’ve already seen the other person in a way they’d never choose for you to. You can’t go back from that.

Your first love gets you raw and open and naive and strong. Your first love gets the secrets that you never even knew you were meant to keep buried away. Your first love teaches you that love isn’t about reckless kissing and hands all over the place, that it’s actually about learning and understanding and compromise and feeling so happy you might explode. Your first love takes you to the mountain tops and the stars there are more spectacular than any you’ve ever seen. Your first love sits with you until your head finds a home in the crevice between their neck and shoulder and you want to stay, more than anything, you want to stay. Your first love laughs at your jokes and suddenly you are the world’s greatest comedian, it doesn’t matter that no one ever found you funny before, it doesn’t matter than tomorrow you still have to face the world. Your first love is like a safe, where you hide the treasures most precious to you because you think they’ll be around forever. Your first love teaches you loneliness, teaches you about endings and goodbyes and emptiness. Your first love makes breaking an arm sound like a walk in the park. Your first love promises that they won’t forget and you believe them until you see them kissing someone else on the street that you used to meet. Your first love makes you bitter. And your second love makes that bitterness go away.

Never give in to a guy who really pursues you, since they’ll just lose interest the moment the chase ends.

open up your heart to the universal love, it will fit you well

Love should never have to be second guessed. It should be full of stay safe texts and calls, it should be laughing at each others jokes even when they mess up the punch line or do not make any sense, it should be singing off key and dancing in the shower, it should be yelling at one another when they do something that might be dangerous, it should be Midnight laughing and morning kisses, it should be arguing one minute and holding hands the next minute, it should be knowing each others quirks and habits inside and out, it should be full of compromises and always listening, it should be watching each others shows together even if one of you absolutely hate that show, it should be going to a chick flick or an action movie, it should be flirting one minute and talking about the economy the next minute. It shouldn’t be perfect. Love is very far from perfect. But you should never feel broken or worthless or wondering if you are loved in a relationship. When it’s real, oh god, it’s real.

“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.

I hope that in the future they invent a small golden light that follows you everywhere and when something is about to end, it shines brightly so you know it’s about to end. And if you’re never going to see someone again, it’ll shine brightly and both of you can be polite and say, “It was nice to have you in my life while I did, good luck with everything that happens after now.” And maybe if you’re never going to eat at the same restaurant again, it’ll shine and you can order everything off the menu you’ve never tried. Maybe, if someone’s about to buy your car, the light will shine and you can take it for one last spin. Maybe, if you’re with a group of friends who’ll never be together again, all your lights will shine at the same time and you’ll know, and then you can hold each other and whisper, “This was so good. Oh my God, this was so good.