BREATHLESS

Main dancer & main rapper of True North. Idol, actor, model & host. Big-spender, warm-hugger, lover of luxuries & all things romance.

𝐁𝐔𝐍𝐍𝐘 𝐂𝐀𝐅𝐄, Seoul, SK August, 2023 w. 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐉𝐈𝐀𝐇𝐍

"Don't even think about asking where I'm taking you!" Mireu exclaims as he lifts a hand to fix a stray hair atop Jiahn's head. Today's a good day. No schedules, free time to take his long-lost best friend on an eagerly awaited friend-date. Mireu had promised to plan the entire thing, a surprise for Jiahn, who he always thought deserved a break. He'd done so well for himself since his solo debut, and even before that. Mireu had always thought that survival shows were brutal, and had been relieved he'd never had to live through one. It was something he greatly admired about his friend. His determination to get through all that seemed otherworldly to Mireu, for whom things always just seemed to fall right into his lap.

As they round the corner, and Mireu's eyes fall on their destination, his face splits into an excited smile. "Can you guess?" Only a few yards along the road he stops, hand gently touching the small of Jiahn's back to make him come to a stop too outside the cutely decorated cafe. "I know you like small animals, so... I thought you might like this." He steps forward the hold the door open for Jiahn, then follows in behind. A woman behind the front desk welcomes them, and gestures for them to head on through the door ahead of them, and to watch their step as the bunnies are free-roaming at the moment.

𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐄 𝐍𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐇 𝐃𝐎𝐑𝐌, Seoul, SK Late July, 2023 w. 𝐘𝐎𝐎 𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐇

The early hours of the morning are the most comforting to Mireu. When the streets outside hold a delicate kind of quietness that seems so easily broken, the grass is still covered in dewdrops, and there’s a slight chill still clinging onto the air. Oftentimes he’ll wake up before he needs to be awake, and there’s no hope for him to fall back asleep, so he takes himself on a short walk. This morning, however, he’d awoken after some of the members had left for individual schedules, and he’d taken the chance to take a long shower, letting the heat soak into his muscles that ache from a late gym session the night before. He goes about his usual morning routine of brewing some coffee, and since he knows it’s just him and Rioh left behind, he makes Rioh a mug too, taking the time to prepare it just the way he likes, as he always does. He cooks them both galbitang and rice, then plates up a few side dishes he’d made large batches of recently. His mother had recently sent him some of her homemade kimchi, so he sets out some of that, along with his own sukjunamul and yeongeun jorim. Breakfast is something Mireu had taken on as his regular job, since he was usually up first and enjoyed cooking. It’s how he shows he cares about his members, and though he doesn’t like to admit it to himself, it’s even more special to him when he does it for just him and Rioh. 

Once the food is cooked and laid out, he quietly slips into Rioh’s room. He looks so peaceful, hair splayed out over the pillow and lips parted slightly. For a moment, he takes in the view, trying not to notice the way his heart hammers in his chest, a swelling sensation filling him with desires he pushes into the darkest corners of his mind. As he had done so many times before, he steps up beside his bed and leans down, letting his fingers gently card through the younger man’s hair. “Rioh.” He says softly, sweeping his hair back off his forehead and shifting so he can sit down on the edge of the bed, knowing it might take a while to rouse him. It’s times like these, when they’re alone, that Mireu struggles with certain feelings. He’s not entirely sure when they arose, but somewhere in the time since Rioh had moved into the dorm, and now, Mireu had, for lack of better words, fallen for him. Fallen seems too rough a verb to Mireu, though. The way he’d descended into these overwhelming feelings had occurred as more of a gentle slide. It had been so gradual, so simple and gentle, that he’d not noticed it was happening until one day he looked at Rioh and realised he could imagine their entire future together—married with kids, living in a four bedroom, three and half bath house with a white picket fence, and to top it off, a family dog. 

⸻ TLDR

mireu was born in burlington, vermont. his parents had gone to university in vermont (where they’d met) and had decided to stay and start a family there when they found jobs after graduating. however, when he was seven, his paternal grandfather in busan fell ill and his parents decided to move back home to look after him. from this point on mireu’s life bloomed like a flower in spring. he excelled in school, was well-liked by students and teachers alike, and still kept up with extracurriculars. he began getting called ‘golden boy’ around this time. he was top of his class, class president, took part in acting classes, piano lessons and the school choir, until he was signed by everlast ent. at just fourteen years old. for the next four years he starred in multiple dramas until he decided to head in a more music-focused direction. when his contract expired with everlast, he signed with secret garden and made his debut in true north a year and a half later. since then he starred in multiple dramas and movies, won an award for his acting, been on the cover of multiple magazines and hosted music shows and festivals. 

⸻ UNDER THE SKIN

🐰 mireu is an exceptionally gentle person in all aspects of life. he’s a ‘slow-paced’ person, and he’d usually be described as having a calming aura. he doesn’t like violence, or shouting, and is flexible and persistent in finding ways to deal with conflicts or disagreements. he’s a very loyal, family-oriented person, who will always put his loved ones first and protect them with his life, but is never overbearing in his protectiveness. he knows when to let people have their space, and when they need him to take on a caretaker/protector role, which he leans towards naturally. he’s often seen as a ‘mothering’ type, and given he’s the eldest in his group, this side of him comes out a lot around his members. he’s a tender, loving person, who loves to show how much he cares through cooking for his loved ones, fixing their hair and clothes, waking them up in the mornings and planning outings with them.

🐰 no man is perfect, though, and mireu is a good example of that. he loves lifes luxuries. he loves good clothing, perfumes, spa retreats, skincare, haircare, and going to the theatre. so much so, in fact, that it’s his coping mechanism for when his emotions get the better of him. there have been times in his life when he’s spent so much to try and cheer himself up that he’s spiralled into another problem—having little to no money left. he’s got a pretty good handle on his ‘spending problem’ now, though, and tries to keep a closer eye on his monthly outgoings. this does, however, mean he’s also incredibly generous. giving, to him, bring just as much joy as gaining. he loves to treat his loved ones to nights out, big meals and thoughtful gifts. 

🐰 he can be quite strict about respectfulness and looking good in the eyes of the public, the latter part mainly for himself, but he has been known to stick his nose up at other idols who act poorly to those around them. he’s a believer of being grateful to fans, but never allowing a blur of the line between fan and idol. he finds people not respecting those older than them, or above them in work-related settings very uncomfortable and likely won’t associate with people who don’t at least show a base level of respect. however, he’s not a rigid person, and will always hear someone out if they believe they had a reason for acting a certain way. 

there’s an overwhelming sense of closeness that he feels toward mireu now that the air has become clearer; the feeling of the two of them being kindred spirits strengthening tenfold as their conversation explores the often hidden territory of their souls. it’s easy for rioh to keep himself guarded, to protect himself from potentially being hurt by never sharing personal information unless a certain level of trust is built first, but right here and now, he feels the barriers that conceal his truest self crumbling down little-by-little. known to retreat and hide himself away, he’s peeking out from in-between the cracks of his walls—drinking in the sunshine that beams from mireu’s being more, and more… hoping to become drunk on his rays, but still doing best to pace himself. he doesn’t want to fly too close to the sun; he doesn’t want his story to turn tragic like icarus’ did. though, if for some reason he was treading into turbulent skies and his wings did fail him, all he can hope is that mireu will catch him as he falls; that those strong arms will scoop him up, keep him safe.

not wanting to succumb completely to his candlelit reveries, he shakes his head free of them; dilated pupils set on his “date” as he listens to him speak. he tries not to focus so much on the way his lips move as each syllable is uttered, not wanting it to seem as though his mind is preoccupied with lascivious fantasies while more serious subject matter is still on the table. it’s difficult though—his attraction having spiked intensely at the revelation of mireu’s identity. nevertheless, he nods his head and shrugs; half-smiling at the sadly grim reality of what it’s like to be queer in a conservative country. “it’ll definitely be hard, but i’m someone who—as close to my family as i am—is good at accepting change. it’s something i’ve become good at. i mean, with this career? we almost have no choice…” he muses, pursing his lips.

“all i know is that, no matter how complicated it becomes, it’s what i want for myself more than anything. some people may not understand, but it’s… important to me.” after a momentary pause, he decides to glide his ankle along mireu’s; returning the affection, carefully. “i’m really glad knowing that it’s important to you, too.”

before anything else is said, their server returns and asks what they’d like to eat. the interruption jars him, and he hopes that his change of body language isn’t seen as rude or cold. in honesty, he wishes that they weren’t someplace public right now; that they could be in a more intimate, private setting where they don’t need to worry about prying eyes and the odd judgmental glare. wanting to take some form of initiative, which is completely unlike him, rioh sits up straighter and looks to his “date”—nervous. “would you want to order some food to go and go back to my place? i—if that’s okay…” he turns his attention towards to server, including them in the conversation to ensure that something like that is even possible, before averting his sights. “i’m sorry, i’m just starting to feel a little boxed in here, but i’d still love to continue our time together. o—only if that sounds good to you, too, of course…”

Mireu tries not to stray too far towards the line between logic and delusion, and yet he finds himself treading ever closer to it as he looks across the table at Rioh. He knows it’s ridiculous, to believe something like soulmates exists, but he finds himself, with each passing second, believing that the man opposite him might very well be his. How else, he thinks, could you meet a person so utterly perfect for you in ever way, if it wasn’t fated in some way that he and the rest of mankind simply will never understand. He feels it, though, that tug that he’d read about in fantasy books about soulmates, and he begins to wonder, just a little bit, if it really is all made up. Somehow, as if viewing a movie in his brain, he’s able to picture his future with Rioh—marriage, children, a cozy home, their own parents, their children’s grandparents, visiting them; their home filled with happy laughter, and love. 

It’s all too good to be a reality that attainable for Mireu. ‘Perfect’ people say he is, but if anyone knows how very untrue that is, Mireu does. Perfection isn’t something that has ever, or could ever exist in his life, he thinks. Does perfection even exist? Yet as soon as the thought passes through his mind, he realises it does. How could he possibly doubt that it does, when the evidence of it is sat right across from him? Over the previous months, he’d learnt the basics of who Rioh is—likes, dislikes, favourites, pet peeves, and yet he knew he’d only scratched the surface. This is the first time they’ve delved into deeper waters. If Mireu thought Rioh was perfect for him before tonight, the revelation that their future dreams aligned perfectly was enough to seal the deal entirely. He’s the man Mireu wants. He’d held back, despite the butterflies, the desire to kiss him through the screen every time they’d facetimed, the wish to hold his hand and thread their fingers together, and yet now the floodgates are open, and all those feelings he’d held at bay come crashing over him. 

What does he say now, apart from ‘marry me’? How does he move forward from here, and attempt to draw Rioh in and make him feel how Mireu does for him? It had been so long since he’d courted someone, and he’d grown a lot in the time since then, that now he wonders how best to go about it. He supposes, as he shifts his foot beside Rioh’s, this tentative game of footsie is as good a start as any. So, when Rioh asks if they can take their food to go, Mireu wonders why he didn’t think of it first. Perhaps, he reminds himself, it’s because he’s trying to be a gentleman, and inviting a man home with him might come off the wrong way. However, the opposite clearly isn’t true, in his perception of the current situation. He’s not sure what Rioh wants—if there’s any ulterior motive to this request to be alone. “I would love that, Rioh.” His voice is soft, belying just how truly nervous he is about this turn of events. 

He orders something without thinking too hard about it, sure that he’s going to be far more interested in his company than his meal. Once the waitress hurries away to place their orders, he hurries to finish his wine, eager to be on their way as soon as their food’s prepared. “You know... I regret not being more open with you sooner. It seems we... have a lot in common. I’m... so glad I met you.” He wonders if Rioh will be able to sense the weight beneath his words. They’re laced with all the intention of a man looking at what he believes to be his future husband. Funny, he thinks. Had he heard these thoughts in anyone else’s brain, he’d have thought them ridiculous, and yet here he is, thinking things that should make him roll his eyes and tut. It’s too early to be thinking that... but how can he not? 

𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐄𝐃 𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐔𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐓, Seoul, SK January, 2023 w. 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊 𝐃𝐔𝐑𝐈

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ𝑆𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑓𝑜𝑙𝑘𝑠 𝑚𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝑏𝑒 ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ𝐴 𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑡𝑙𝑒 𝑏𝑖𝑡 𝑠𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑛 𝐼 𝑎𝑚 ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ𝐵𝑖𝑔𝑔𝑒𝑟 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑒𝑟 𝑡𝑜𝑜 …

This is becoming a habit, Mireu thinks as he sips from his large glass of wine, a slight furrow present between his brows. The taste lingers on his tongue, slithers down his throat, and settles, warm in his stomach. It hadn’t been long since his previous excursion to a place of fine dining, though wine hadn’t been all he’d indulged in that evening. He’d managed to keep his hands to himself, at least, for which he commended himself. It was not an easy feat. Tonight, however, he doesn’t have to worry about that as he sits across from Duri, his posture more relaxed than usual, perhaps thanks to the alcohol slowly making it’s way through his system. If he’s going to get wine-drunk with anyone, it may as well be someone he trusts, and who better than Park Duri?

“I’m telling you, he’s perfect.” Perhaps, he thinks as he feels tears prick at his eyes, he’d had a little much to drink. He’s into his second bottle of wine, and up until that point he’d been sure it hadn’t had any affect on him. “His eyes scrunch up when he smiles- oh god, his smile... It’s the prettiest smile ever, seriously.” He’d asked Duri out to dinner because he simply needed someone to talk to, and someone he trusted, at that. Mireu had been playing his dinner with Rioh over and over in his mind since it happened, wondering what it all meant for them, for their potential to be, in the future, something more than friends. Mireu had needed to talk to someone about it before their next planned meeting, or else he was sure he’d take one look at Rioh and forget how to speak. 

there’s a heaviness that settles in chest and stomach, and though he’s half-confident that mireu won’t mind his confession, the air around them somehow feels dense; his heartbeat escalating at the unveiling of another layer of his being, a rather intimate one at that. in today’s political and social climate, it’s difficult to navigate whether or not someone will be approving of who he is. it especially hurts him to know that his own generation seems more rigid in their conservative viewpoints, and while he respects them and their differences from him, he wishes they could spare the same kindness to him, and the other queer people, who conceal themselves in the crowds and the shadows; terrified to step out into the light and express themselves due to the opposition against them from the general public. sure, there are individuals who are open-minded and more liberal in their heads and hearts, but lately, it seems like they’re far and few between those who prioritize what their religion has taught them, or who simply direct the hate towards those who are different than they are.

rioh tries not to get too wrapped up in negativity, and he genuinely is grateful that he’s been able to meet a few people who make him feel apart of a community, but it mentally exhausts him to know that the “fight” for acceptance is far from over. that being said though, once he’s able to, he’s ready to do whatever he can to support the cause, even if it’s quietly. taking a deep breath, he tries to steady his heart-rate; his curious pupils studying the expressions that etch across mireu’s face at the huge revelation made. he wants to notice if he grimaces, or smiles, or remains neutral, and the instant he receives a glimmer of hope, he’s able to take a unwind some. however, that sigh of relief comes with a side of confusion; the statements that stream from his friend’s mouth covert, but still obvious to him given the context. just when he began to calm himself down, his heart picks up its pace all over again; butterflies in his stomach spring into their fluttery flight as he’s able to put together the meaning of what mireu is saying; almost as if they’re speaking their own unique language.

“i… understand,” he murmurs softly, barely above a whisper. “i’m glad that you can understand me, too, and that you have a relatively easy option waiting for you, should you need to go that route in the future.” all at once, he feels a shift in their dynamic—one that puts to rest the deep befuddlement he’s been feeling in relation to the man that’s sitting across from him. the instant they started talking, rioh felt attracted to him. he’s not an idiot—oh mireu is a traditionally very handsome man, and what’s more is that he’s also talented, and he’s equipped with a sweet disposition, too. honestly speaking, it’s hard for him to believe that someone like mireu even exists in this reality. if anything, he seems like the romantic leading man of a manhwa that somehow was able to enter the real world; too good to be true. acknowledging these feelings has his mouth running dry with nerves, and in an attempt to remedy that, he reaches for his coveted glass of lambrusco; imbibing in hopes of loosening up again.

though, composure is still nearly impossible for him to attain, and he’s finding it troublesome to listen to the words that are being spoken to him. it isn’t as if he’s purposely avoiding the topics at hand, but his natural sensitivity is clueing him in on a potential mutual infatuation, and when mireu’s ankle embraces his with intent, rioh feels the apples of his cheeks, the tip of his nose, and the edges of his ears burn; their once warm-toned hue blossoming into shades of rose, vermillion, and crimson—saturated colors painting his complexion as if it were a canvas. the intensity of the warmth all throughout his visage tells him that it’s a blush he cannot hide, and out of shyness, he turns his head away, but doesn’t remove his ankle from mireu’s; adoring the contact and physicality a little too much. a giddy smile tugs at his lips, and he’s trying his damnedest not to melt into his seat, but it’s a strenuous challenge.

“f—fine… i’ll surprise you…” is all he can mutter, and he feels bad that he’s become so quiet, but he fears that, if he were to say anything more than that right now, he’ll embarrass himself somehow. surreptitiously sighing, he licks over his lips and tries to hunt for more words to say; ones that won’t cause anymore disturbances to his psyche. “i, uh… this is really nice, by-the-way. i don’t often get out of the house—except for work, of course—as i’m someone that’s most comfortable in my own environment, but being here with you… i know we haven’t eaten or anything yet, but i really am having a good time. thank you for the invitation. it means a lot to me.”

It’s difficult to read Rioh’s expression, at first. Mireu hadn’t offered up this information to a lot of people—it was never really relevant. He was lucky, it seemed, in that he liked both men and women; he could pass under the radar, pretending he was something he’s not. It wasn’t something he particularly liked to ponder, as in today’s society, even men like Mireu, who could live a perfectly heterosexual life, weren’t accepted. He’d heard it time and time again however, when he’d been dating a woman, that he wasn’t really into men, not if he was with a woman. That if he was, he was lucky he could just ignore that part of himself. That was something Mireu had never done. He’d known he liked boys for as long as he could remember, and of course, he’d gone through the feelings of hatred, and guilt, and wishing he wasn’t that way inclined. But, he’d never denied it, not to himself at least. It was impossible to when it was such a solidly present fact of who he was. 

“It may be easy for me, but I worry about how it will affect my future partner, if that’s something we had to do. It’s not easy leaving family behind and putting your own happiness first.” He finds it hard to meet Rioh’s eyes as he speaks, a single glance making his gaze return to his glass of wine, a shaky breath making his shoulder rise and fall. The conversation is a little trickier to have than he’d originally thought it would be when he’d dipped his toe into it. While that path may be easy for Mireu, he’d not be walking it alone, and he’s aware that whoever he ends up with, if he’s not allowed to be with them in South Korea, and they aren’t willing to leave, he will have to find a compromise. He wants children. He wants marriage. He wants a ‘traditional’ romance, and family, in the sense of having a home, a spouse, children, and a yard for them to play in. He can’t do that in South Korea, not if he falls for a man. 

Perhaps, he thinks, the gentle touch of ankles was a little much, a little forward for what isn’t even explicitly a date, despite Mireu finding, with every passing second, that he wished it was. The colour that slowly rises to Rioh’s face doesn’t go unnoticed, and Mireu can’t help but wonder what emotion lays behind it. He watches him, because he can’t help it—Rioh draws him in, and Mireu’s an indulgent man, even when he knows he shouldn’t be. “I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself. It’s always so nice spending time with you, even if we don’t often get to do it.” He wants to tell Rioh that he plans to make much more time to see him from now on, but he doesn’t want his eagerness to be too much to quickly. He’s still a little unsure about where he stands with Rioh, whether the attraction he thinks he can feel between them is enough to indicate that Rioh would be seriously interested in Mireu. 

when his voice is called beautiful, he scrunches his nose. it’s not necessarily because he feels upset by the compliment, but more because he feels unworthy of it. he remembers receiving a lead vocal position when début preparations were being made and being stunned by the revelation; clueless as to how that could be a title bestowed upon him. for one thing, catalyst’s music has always been geared more towards rapping than singing, and for another, the other vocalists in the group had worked much harder on their own improvements than he had with his. however, feeling inferior to them, and having high expectations placed on his shoulders, pushed him to better himself—begging for more lessons, for extra practice time, and for more complicated lines later on to test himself. if anything, his voice is a result of all his hard work, but he has a hard time seeing it that way. instead, he still feels as though he could be better, and he plans on keeping up with the journey towards improvement. “you really are way too nice to me, but i appreciate it, and for what it’s worth, i’d buy your solo album.” rioh smiles, a light blush tickling his cheeks pink.

though, before he’s able to expand on the previous topic, he’s hit with a question that causes chills to rush down his spine; the once fairness of his face burning scarlet now. he has no idea if being truthful is a good idea, or if it’s easier to be vague. it isn’t as if he actively keeps himself in the closet around other industry professionals, he’s just never asked about it much. that, and the people in his life who do know don’t make it a big deal, and he’s happy with that because, in all honesty, his sexual orientation isn’t a big deal. it’s just hard for him to be vulnerable in that sense with those who are new to him, but being that he’s been speaking to mireu for quite sometime now, and since he’s gotten to know more a lot more about him over that time, rioh feels as though being candid about himself is the best option. after all, if for some reason mireu isn’t okay with it, he’ll know that their relationship should end.

“it’s complicated because i… how do i put this?” he begins, then licks over his lips. “to put it simply, i’m not… i’m not interested in women.” for some reason, he found wording it like that easier than any other option. “our country isn’t exactly kind to people like me, and if i want my dream to come true, i’d have to look into relocating elsewhere, or figuring out some sort of plan to make it happen.” rioh hopes that things change in his favor in the future, but he’s not that optimistic about it. he and every other queer person in south korea are definitely outnumbered by those who are against them, especially within his own generation. taking a beat, he fears that he may have brought the mood down with his reality, so he attunes himself back into mireu—nodding his head in agreement with his statement. “i agree. i’m already looking forward to a second glass, too. i’m sort of a lightweight, though, so i’ll probably stop after that, but that lambrusco… it’s dangerous. don’t you think so?” 

with that, he lifts his glass once more; taking another sip only to hum at its depth. “it’s also making look forward to this wine tasting we’re going to in the future. you know, if that’s still an option…” he’s still not sure how his admission is settling with mireu, and he’s hoping to the heavens that it doesn’t alter anything for them in a negative way. “for tonight, though, i think four courses is customary, right? we can have our own starters, a shared plate, an entrée each, and maybe a dessert to share if we’re not bursting at the seams yet?” absent-mindedly, his ankle motions forward and grazes against mireu’s. he’s so distracted by the contact and how pleasant it feels that it takes him a few seconds to register what’s going on, and when he does, he nervously he pulls it back; angling his sights downward out of embarrassment.

“i’m sorry… b—but that sounds good to me. would you prefer i make you your favorite meal, or do you want to be surprised with something?” rioh asks, then swallows hard.

“Well, you’ll be the first to know if I ever decide to release one.” There’s always a that feeling of what if, when he thinks about potential opportunities. Perhaps it’s a little like the fear of missing out, when you do things just to do them, just in case you’ll regret not doing them. He’d always wondered if that mentality did more harm than good, though. It’s a thought he doesn’t try all too hard to cling onto, as it makes way for more important topics, like that of Rioh’s future desires. In asking his question, there’d been a part of him that had hoped for a specific answer. He’s aware that more than just being attracted to men can complicate wanting children. Mireu dreads to think that Rioh’s about to respond with some awful medical information that Mireu had no right to pry into. He wonders, for a moment, if that dread is purely out of concern for Rioh’s privacy, or if it’s that part of him that hopes for a different answer.  

It’s easy to see that Rioh’s uncomfortable, and Mireu almost interjects to tell him he doesn’t have to answer, to apologise for asking something so personal. Yet, his mouth stays closed—you’re a selfish man, Oh Mireu, his brain spits at him as he bites his tongue, feeling guilt bubble in the depths of his stomach. He has to know. Then, as if answering Mireu’s mental pleas, Rioh says it, words that give Mireu a stupid amount of hope. As he looks across the table at this man, such utter perfection, inside and out, he wonders if the world is about to play the cruelest joke of all on him. Present to him a man seemingly conjured from Mireu’s very dreams, and then snatch him away again. Suddenly, the stakes are so very high, and Mireu feels smaller than he’s ever felt in his life. He’s standing on a mountains edge, with nothing to hold onto, and he knows for a fact he’s going to fall, if he hadn’t already lost his footing. 

Yet, his heart aches for Rioh. Mireu had always had the option to go back to America, he’d never had to worry too much about running away if he ended up finding out his soulmate was a man. He can’t imagine just how hard it is to know you may one day have to leave your home country, your whole family, and fight to live somewhere else, just to be with the one you love. “You’re right... it is complicated.” Mireu begins, choosing his words wisely. He wonders if Rioh opened up to him because he trusts him enough, or if he simply doesn’t hide it as much as Mireu does his own sexuality. While Mireu wouldn’t lie if asked by someone he felt he could be open to without fear of it getting out, he wonders if he’d have had the same courage Rioh just did, to say it so plainly. “It’s something I’ve thought about, too. Though... I’ve always just thought I’d go back to America. I know I... present this image of being very proudly Korean, despite keeping both citizenships, but... if I had to... I’d move away.” He hopes he’s said enough for Rioh to understand that he’s telling him he also likes men. 

It’s hard to talk about something so delicate, and yet that fact that Rioh had opened up to him is promising—Mireu hopes it means that he sees Mireu as a close friend; a trustworthy one. As much as he likes to learn about the things Rioh doesn’t tell the general public, he find the talk of wine much easier to navigate, and takes a moment to look down into his glass, swirling the liquid around and around slowly. “Of course it is.” He says almost took quickly, too eager to reassure Rioh, because he knows exactly where that slight worry that it might not be stems from, and it pains him to think Rioh may have had to go through friendship being cut off because of something like this. “I’m a little apprehensive for you to see me drunk, though.” He says with a chuckle, hoping to lighten the atmosphere that had gotten so heavy. 

when mireu mentions singing to him, rioh smiles; finding the concept of that endearing. he’s not sure he’s ever had anyone wanting to serenade him before, and a part of him finds that funny being that he’s only been attached to other musicians. “yeah… that’d be nice,” he admits, licking over his lips. “i think it’s great that you still want to sing even if that’s not your primary role in your group. i know a lot of people with lower voices who get made into rappers only because their companies feel like their vocal color won’t match the sound of the group, and it makes me sad because deeper voices are often my favorite. a lot of the time i wish my voice was low like that… but i tend to overthink my vocals.” sharing his insecurities may not be the best way to impress someone, but he can’t help it sometimes. rioh can be hard on himself, especially when it comes to his talents, but he doesn’t want to unveil those shades of his personality to mireu in droves. he would hate to scare him away without intending to by simply being negative. he’s aware that he can turn into a human-shaped raincloud at times, and he’s not proud of that fact.

however, he’s not left to wallow in his feelings for too long because the follow-up query leaves him somewhat stunned. it’s spoken in a tone that’s difficult to decipher. he can’t tell if mireu is questioning his sanity, or merely surprised at his response, or stirred by his temporary vulnerability. it makes the nerves that’ve settled in his stomach ramp up slightly, and he, yet again, reaches for his glass of water to assist in calming down. before he’s able to formulate a proper response though, he’s hit with another inquiry—one that dispels some of the edginess that crept up on him. finding his way back to center, he smiles anxiously and shrugs. “i—i do, yeah… and i’m not sure how many.” in truth, he wants a lot of them, but he doesn’t know if admitting that now is a good idea. “i grew up in a biggish family, so i’d ideally like for my future kids to have siblings. even though my older brothers loved giving me a hard time, i do think their presence helped me grow…” rioh would never admit that openly to them; he wouldn’t want to feed their egos like that, or give them more ammunition. 

“it’s something i really, really want for myself in the future, but it’s… complicated. i’m not sure if it’ll ever happen for me, but a guy can dream, right?” there’s a glimmer of optimism in his eyes, even if it’s clouded with doubt. “i’m adamant on making it happen, though, even if it won’t be easy. it’ll be worth it in the end, at least in my opinion.” with that, his shoulders rise and fall in a shrug, and he watches as mireu takes a sip of his lambrusco. it’s rioh’s all-time favorite, and he was glad to see it on the wine list. he’s not a sommelier by any means, but he loves the bubbly quality it has, and how it’s sweeter than most reds tend to be. “well, if you want a second glass of something before the end of the night, you can order what i got. i’m glad you like it, and a wine-tasting sounds fun? i’d feel so out of place, but if i had you there with me, i think i’d be okay…” hopefully that comment doesn’t make him sound overly lame. 

retrieving his glass back, he takes a sip of his beverage; hoping it assists in loosening him up a little. “oh, and i’m sure zeke from ‘high school musical’ would be proud of you, too. maybe we can try to make crème brûlée together sometime? we could even add that to our menu for next weekend, if you want? you can teach me!” rioh exclaims, licking the remnants of wine off his lips. “what do you think we should cook, in general, though? or is it too much to talk about next time’s menu when we haven’t even ordered our food here yet?” a laugh escapes him, and he shakes his head at himself. “i guess i’m just really looking forward to being in the kitchen with you…”

“I always thought I’d end up a singer, and... in a way I still sort of do. I’ve never really felt like a rapper, even if that’s technically what I am.” When he’d first been told he was to train in rapping, instead, Mireu had been worried it would be the beginning of the end for him, that this would finally be the thing that stumped him, and he’d never make it as an idol due to something as infuriatingly unchangeable as his vocal range. He could only go so high, no matter how hard he tried. But, he’d taken to it the same way he’d taken to everything else he’d ever tried. He’d dipped a toe in, then dove in headfirst, like a duck to water. “If I ever were to release a solo album, I think I’d want to just sing mostly. I often wonder if people are interested in hearing more of my singing.” He’d seen the odd compilation on Youtube, and had a couple requests to sing more in his time since he’d debuted, but he’d thought those were rare cases, but, he’d like to be proven wrong. “I overthink too... But trust me, your voice is... beautiful.” Finding the right words to describe Rioh’s voice feels impossible, as though he’d be trying to explain how it felt to be in love to someone who’d never experienced it before. 

Yet nothing, Mireu thinks in that moment, can really beat the fact that Rioh wants kids, in his eyes. It’s hard to find people these days who still wants that life, building a family and focusing on home-life, getting married and raising kids, and while Mireu thinks his desires would be looked upon favourably by the older generations, the people he’s found he wishes to have that life with most certainly would not. He’s aware that if he ends up with a man, that dream of a family life will be much harder, but he’d never let that stop him from following his heart. But Mireu can’t help but frown when Rioh explains that it’s complicated, his fingers reaching for his water glass to take a slow sip, eyes never leaving the others face, before he asks, quietly, “why is it complicated?” Perhaps he’s prying, poking at a part of the conversation that Rioh may not want to delve into, and yet Mireu can’t stop himself. He’s got such an insatiable hunger for knowledge when it comes to Rioh, as though he wants to devour every little fact about him. 

Mireu wonders if, by nights end, he’ll have drunk enough wine to find himself pleasantly loose-lipped, and filled with that delightfully fuzzy courage. He knows himself, and knows he’d want to take Rioh dancing, even if it was just in the living room of Rioh’s apartment after escorting him home. So, he thinks he should take it easy, he doesn’t want to over-indulge in any of tonight’s delicacies, as much as he so desires to. Especially not his delightful companion, lest he ruin his chances with him, if he has any at all anyway. “A second glass already sounds too tempting.” He sips his wine once more, again, taking note of the undertones, really capturing the difference between the two, before speaking again. “I’ve been to one before, with a couple friends. They’re quite fun, actually. Make you feel terribly fancy, and then terribly drunk.” A chuckle escapes him, and he slides his fingers down the stem of his glass absent-mindedly, recalling that night fondly. 

maybe it’s poor manners, but rioh can’t help but rest his elbow on the table before him, his chin in the palm of his hand, and sights set on mireu as he talks. he’s likely paying a little too close attention to how delicately his lips move while he speaks, or gazing longingly at the strong contours of his cheekbones and jawline—feeling drawn to how masculine his features are. in truth, the more time he spends becoming further acquainted with the other’s visage, the more attracted he becomes; humming absentmindedly before catching himself. it’s all too easy for him to get lost in the what-ifs and could-be’s, but he would hate if mireu felt as though he wasn’t listening to him. if only he knew that rioh was hanging onto each word as if they were the most interesting syllables ever spoken—the depth of his voice only intensifying the magnetic pull he feels toward him. this is becoming overwhelming, he thinks, and while he’s too afraid of rejection to inform mireu of what’s going on in his head, all he can hope is that he’s able to remain composed for the duration of their night.

that’s proving to be all the more difficult when he’s given even more praise, and with how many roseate phrases are coming from mireu, rioh should be used to them by now, but each time a honeyed statement is uttered in his direction, he melts all over again. god—he feels so pathetic. he half-chides himself for it internally, his face uncontrollably conveying his giddiness this time. the smile that tugs at his lips is effervescent, and his eyes crease in a manner that showcases how deeply he’s smiling—how it overtakes his entire countenance and not just his mouth. “i—just… thank you. really, i don’t even know what to say other than you’re so sweet.” lashes avert downwards as his dilated pupils rest on his lap, too afraid to make eye contact out of fear that he’ll embarrass himself. “for what it’s worth, deeper voices are always my favorite… and that includes yours, too. your parts are always the most addictive in your group’s—i don’t know. i find myself getting them stuck in my head all the time.”

then, he’s treated to an abundance of information about mireu’s family, and the more he learns, the more intrigued he becomes—adoring that his opposite seems to be just as invested in his family as rioh is with his own. his eyes gleam with awestruck wonder as information his spoon-fed to him, and a warmth floods his chest due to everything being said. “i like hearing that you, too, are close with your mom, or that you two share a lot in common. i like to think the same about me and my mom. she’s definitely my biggest role model in life.” however, when there’s even the briefest mention of an interest in having kids in the future, rioh picks up on it; curious. there’s not many men he’s met that openly admit to something like that; in his experience, at least. it makes his heart flutter in his chest, but he takes a breath so he doesn’t get too ahead of himself. “y—yeah, none of my brothers seem interested in having kids and it makes my parents sad. i’m the only one who really wants a family of my own in the future. it’s… hard to explain, i guess, but it just feels right to me. i want to use everything my mom has taught me and raise kids to be good people. honestly? that’s my biggest dream in life. it’s what i’ve always wanted, even when i was a kid myself.” 

thinking about it gets him a little worked up and emotional, but he shakes his head free of it as best he can. if for some reason he let his sensitivities get the better of him, he’d be far more than just embarrassed, that’s for certain. “sorry… th—that sounds great to me, though. i just want to make sure that what i’ve got going on is happening the weekend after, and not this weekend. that said though, i’ll change my schedule for you if i’m able to. i’d… really like to see you again.” thankfully, they’re interrupted by their drinks being dropped off by the bartender—presenting both glasses of wine to them before leaving. rioh bows once again, then looks over to mireu. “wait—you tried baking a crème brûlée? that’s pretty difficult, isn’t it? or is it soufflé that i’m thinking of?” he queries, then picks up his goblet; raising it to his nose to gather the beverage’s scent before taking a sip. “mmm…” he smiles, adoring its flavor. “wanna give it a try?” he asks, extending his arm towards mireu.

It’s difficult not to stare at Rioh in a way that might give away that this means more to Mireu than simply dinner with a friend. Something in the way he smiles, how his eyes scrunch up and his lips stretch wide, pretty pink capturing Mireu’s eye for just a few seconds too long. He’d wanted to kiss Rioh since the moment he met him, if not the moment he first saw him. He’s so little, and while a part of Mireu feels guilty about liking it, he can’t help but imagine what it would be like to grip his waist, and hold him to his side, tucked there, protected, smiling his pretty smile up at Mireu. He wants to be the reason for that smile. He’s confounded by just how drawn to Rioh he feels, when for months now they’ve just been facetiming when they can, texting throughout the day about what they’re up to. He’d though he’d need longer to feel so drawn to him. He should’ve known that wouldn’t be this case with him, though, when so far everything has fit like he’s Mireu’s missing puzzle piece. 

“Maybe I can sing you something sometime. Since I don’t often get to. Just... a nice piano ballad?” Mireu misses singing ballads. He’d sit at the piano for hours, learning new pieces that sometimes, if he played them well enough, brought him to tears. Piano pieces, he’d found, touched him a way that no other music really did. But, other people seemed not to understand his attachment to it, to how it could wriggle into his bones and make him feel things only the very best movies could. Yet, nothing could ever make him feel the hope that Mireu felt in that moment, when Rioh speaks of wanting a family. The one thing... that final thing that Mireu feared would make or break this, and Rioh had stepped in the shoes of Mireu’s dream man, a pair of shoes that seemingly fit perfectly, as snugly as though they were made for him. This is him, he thinks, as he stares at Rioh. A man too good to be true. 

“You... want kids?” He says, and while it sounds like a question, it’s more... a exclamation of relief, an disbelief in the undercurrent, that it’s just too good to be true. Mireu’s previous relationship hadn’t worked out because his partner hadn’t wanted children, or at least hadn’t been eager for them, or to frame her career around preparing for a family life in the way that Mireu’s always has been. “How many?” Without realising, his voice has grown incredibly soft, a tenderness in his eyes that he hopes Rioh doesn’t notice. It would be just Mireu’s luck to scare him away now, when he’d just found out he was everything he’d ever wanted. He has so many questions about exactly what Rioh wants in the future, what kind of house, what kind of family dynamic, children’s names and where he wants to live, but Mireu keeps his mouth closed, keeping his far too personal questions to himself. 

The arrival of the bartender with their drinks gives Mireu a second to lean back and recollect himself, remind himself not to get his hopes up too much—there’s a chance Rioh only sees him as a friend, and that when he speaks of wanting children, he means with a woman. Over the years he’d grown to feel he was somewhat good at telling when a man was at least a little interested in him, but this time he’s worried his own desires might cloud his judgement. He swirls the wine slowly in his glass, sniffing it before taking a small sip and letting it sit on his tongue to get the full depth of its flavour, before swallowing. He sets it down and hums at the question, laughing a little. “Yes, it’s pretty difficult to make. The first time it was edible, but definitely looked a little... off. I can make it pretty well now, if I do say so myself. I’m sure Zeke from High School Musical would be proud.” 

body language can tell a lot about a person’s emotions, and at present, rioh’s sitting in a way that’s expressing interest—even attraction—in mireu. he’s facing him directly, he’s leaning into him more and more, his torso is open, and he often reaches a hand up to remove strands of hair that fall into his face; grooming himself so that he continues to look his best and leaves a lasting impression. occasionally he’ll withdraw into himself a little, but that signal of insecurity is more a cause of him being afraid of saying something stupid, or doing something embarrassing. dates aren’t something that he experiences often. then again, he’s not one hundred percent sure if this even qualifies as a proper date. mireu didn’t mention it as such, but he can’t help but think that it feels like one. they’re stowed away in a private corner of a rather intimate setting; the two of them clearly put time, effort, and thought into their appearances; their conversations often end up in the realm of opening up to one another on a deeper level; mireu’s been nothing but kind, thoughtful, and courteous this entire time. the puzzle pieces are falling perfectly into place for him, but he also doesn’t want to be presumptuous. taking a breath, he tries to stop overthinking—honing back in on the man before him as a means to escape from his thoughts.

once his sights settle back where they belong, he’s hit with a sweet confession; one makes him scrunch his nose playfully. “you’re being way too nice to me…” he replies, shaking his head. “i appreciate that, though. it… means a lot to me that you like my album. to be frank, i was really nervous going into everything, especially knowing that i’d be by myself, so i’m just glad that it’s done so well.” in the early discussions of the project, he recalls being excited, but also terrified. he’d be the first of his group to showcase himself as an individual, and in truth, he felt totally unprepared for it. even now that his solo début is behind him, he feels uneasy about its follow-up, but he’s doing his best to ride the high he experienced with “move” and use that forward momentum to outperform himself somehow. feeling flattered, he smiles. “i like knowing that it’s your style, too.” his comment stirs him a little. rioh doesn’t want to say too much, so he hops onto mireu’s train of thought. “you never know; going solo might find its way to you instead of the other way around. that’s essentially what happened to me. regardless of how, or when, or if it happens, though, you’ll do an incredible job. like, there’s no doubt in my mind—you’ll totally kill it!”

with no effort, their dialogue flows steadily. it’s so seamless that rioh barely can tell that it’s happening. the shifts occur smoothly, one subject to the next, and he enjoys following mireu’s lead with it. “i hope you get to see your family soon, or that they can come and see you. it’s so special whenever they come to a performance, right?” seems to him like they have one thing in common: they’re both family oriented. rioh makes a note of that; wanting to learn more later. for now, he’s quick to respond to the question at hand. “yeah, i have three older brothers. one of them’s in the industry, and the other two are involved in taekwondo. my parents live in the city, and have their whole lives, really. my dad’s involved in business and he works hard, and my mom’s a caretaker for the elderly and arguably works harder.” he jokes, remembering the last tiff they had at dinner. “i’m really close with them, especially my eldest brother and my mother, but the others, too. the middle kids are twins, and they used to pick on me a lot, and my dad is great, but he’s always been a workaholic.” not wanting to demand too much attention, rioh shakes his head, the aims the query back at mireu. “tell me about yours, too. i’d love to know more about them…”

rioh’s still doesn’t know if he’s on a date or not, but deep down, he really hopes that he is. it seems like the more discovers about his senior, the more similarities there are. it’s beginning to overwhelm him, but he’s trying to keep his head above water. it isn’t as if this feeling is bad. if anything, it’s everything but bad. it’s just a lot for him to process. “that’s really cool because i love to cook, too. it’s one of my favorite pastimes. i used to help my mom in the kitchen all of the time… basically since i was young enough to form my own memories.” he admits, then is interrupted by the waitress. he’s caught off-guard and isn’t sure what to order, but quickly scans the wine list before him; selecting one he knows he’s tried and enjoys—one that’s bubbly, red, and softly sweet. “i’ll take a glass of the lambrusco, please…” his response is polite, and he bows towards the server before they wander off to fetch their beverages. “you said you’re free next saturday?” clarifying since he wanted to make sure he retained everything correctly. “i… i think i can make that work. i can text you a timeframe when i look at my schedule later?” all he can hope is that he’s available, but even if he’s not, he’ll definitely make time somehow and someway.

“knowing that you love to cook and bake, what are some of your favorite things to make? now that i know this about you, i’m like, really curious…”

Mireu had long since learnt not to get his hopes up when it came to men. He’d met many who, at first, appeared interested, until certain topics had arisen, and they’d voiced the same opinions he’d heard time and time again, spoken by the older generations more so than those his own age. Needless to say, friendship hadn’t been on the cards with them, let alone more. It’s hard for him to tell anymore, whether someone has genuine interest or not, when he’s had friends be affectionate, and smile at him in the way Rioh does, and yet it never meant anything. He’d had friends who, although uninterested in him in that sense, were nice about letting him down easy, were understanding and accepting, and flattered by the interest, yet still, not into him. However, this time, Mireu thinks, finding out that Rioh perhaps doesn’t have even an ounce of interest in him, would surely break him. Being broken once more, after the shattering of last summer, he fears might really ruin him. 

“Going solo does seem daunting. Recording all the songs yourself, relying on only your voice to carry the entire thing. I think the fact that you’ve done so well just goes to show how good you are. At least, I think you’re incredible.” Try as he might, Mireu fails to keep his compliments light. He doesn’t want to come on too strong. “I’ve thought about it in the past, what I might like to do if I ever did, and, honestly, I just can’t think of anything that I’d get approved to do. My voice tends to work better with ballads. It’s why I’m more of a rapper than a vocalist, I suppose.” He’d originally trained as a vocalist, until he’d been pushed to work on his rapping, his voice apparently too deep and husky for a main or lead vocal spot. Clearer, higher tones were preferred for those spots. 

As Rioh speaks about his family, Mireu’s eyes never leave him, his head tilting a little as he listens, all attention captured by the images playing in his mind of Rioh and his brothers. Rioh being the baby of his family is perfectly fitting—Mireu can’t help but seen him as a soft person to dote on. Not in a condescending way, but more a way that Mireu has the overwhelming urge to protect him and look after him, even if he doesn’t need looking after. “I have an older brother, and a younger sister, they both take after my father, who’s a surgeon. They’re very career focused, driven people. My mother and I, on the other hand, are more... home-makers. She doesn’t work, though before she married she was a kindergarten teacher. She and I have always been sort of like a team. She thought, originally, that she’d get on better with my sister, but my mom does her head in with talking about marriage and kids. I suppose I understand. My sister doesn’t want that, so she doesn’t like to be nagged at about it. My mom loves that she can push all those wishes for grandkids onto me, I suppose.” There it is, the make or break topic that had, in the past, chased so many away. 

the instant that mireu describes himself as a fan of rioh, the younger of them feels heat rise to his cheeks; his moon-shaped face alight with shades of vermillion and rose as he lets those words sink in. he hopes that the amount of bb cream he applied to his face before meeting up with his senior is enough to cover his complexion’s new hue, but even still, his body language is making it obvious that he’s flustered. a sheepish grin tugs at the corners of his lips, he rolls his shoulders to relieve tension, and though it can’t be seen or heard, his heartbeat escalates slightly. it isn’t a bad thing that he’s admired by someone he’s slowly feeling himself become more attached to, but it makes him shy knowing that his repertoire has been tuned into by mireu; that his group’s music, as well as his solo material, has been on his radar in the first place. it’s flattering, albeit overwhelming, and he chuckles nervously before responding. “i may have heard a thing or two about that, yes…” he replies, tone soft and meek. “i think it’s really sweet that you enjoy what i do so much… and i hope you know that the feeling is mutual.” with that, he reaches his glass of water again—a little too afraid to make eye contact because, if he does, he’ll likely lose his composure.

men are nerve-wracking to him; mostly in that he never knows what to expect from them. some may find that exciting, but to rioh, it’s daunting. though, since they’ve started getting to know one another more over the last few months, he feels a sense of comfort with mireu; one that makes the fragments of anxiety surrounding their meetings less torrential. instead, that sensation is beginning to resemble the flight of butterflies; making him more giddy instead of skittish. that being said, however, he’s still unsure how he feels about it, and he’s not the type to speak on what’s going on in his head and heart unless he really trusts a person, and while he’s sure mireu is trustworthy, being terrified of rejection keeps his lips sealed. it’s a never-ending struggle. nevertheless, rioh tries his best to put his feelings aside and follow along with each syllable that his “date” utters; hanging onto each word with intrigue.

“i’m sorry to hear that you’re not really enjoying the music that quantum/phase is releasing. i know exactly what that’s like,” he begins, licking over his lips. “catalyst’s music is really hit or miss for me, too. sometimes i feel like it fits the other members well, but me? it’s hard for me to adjust to the concepts sometimes, but at the end of the day, i figure that performing things that i don’t personally like helps me expand my skillset, or makes me a better performer. do you ever think of things that way?” he asks, curious. trying to rework things in his own mind has always helped him make sense of things that don’t—it’s a habit his father taught him to do when he was a kid. though, when the conversations starts to shift out of the realm of idol life and into personal life updates, he smiles; continuing to find it charming that mireu seems interested in getting to know him instead of only discussing their careers.

“my life is so full of work that it’s hard to talk about anything personal, but i finally got a chance to pay my family a long-anticipated visit at the end of the year. it was pretty incredible to be in their presence, and to be at home, and to eat my mom’s food… it really warmed my heart.” rioh beams bashfully, sightline averted to the nearby window; a wistful glint appearing in his irises. sometimes he wishes that he led a more low-key lifestyle, but there’s not much he can do about it now. before he gets too lost in his thoughts, the mention of baking cookies immediately has his attention locked back on mireu. “you like to bake?” with that, he instinctively leans into him from across the table; wanting to know more. “mmm, i’m sure your cookies were fantastic—ah, that’s so awesome! when i was looking for my own place, having an oven was sitting right on top of my list of priorities. they’re hard to come by here!”

then, an invitation to bake is extended to him, and the second it is, he melts.

“y—yeah, i’d actually really love that… there’s nothing i love more than being able to cook, or in this case bake, with other people. when are you free again?” hopefully he isn’t seeming overly eager; he just can’t help himself. “sometime soon, i hope?”

Growing close to someone, Mireu thinks, takes time, effort, and a lot of patience. Work had kept him too busy to truly get the quality time with Rioh to fully form a strong friendship, and yet he knows the potential’s there, lingering at the very tips of his fingers, growing closer each time he stretches for it. He doesn’t want to rush this, however; it’s far too important. There’s a part of him that’s so sure that Rioh is perfect for him, but he wonders if that part is influenced by the bit that had been a fan for so long. It’s not just his appearance—any person can be beautiful, but only a few are as soft as Rioh, as kind and sweet, evoking the perfect little bubbles of delight in Mireu’s chest when he catches one of Rioh’s pretty smiles that feel so full of all the good parts of him. He wants to delve past all that, past the niceties and publicly-palatable Rioh, and sift this fingers through the darker depths, where his demons lie, where the bits that make hims imperfect reside. Mireu had always found a persons flaws to be the things that truly draw him in. Nobody, in his eyes, is perfect without a good handful of imperfection. 

“I must say, I do like your solo music better.” He feels that Rioh’s solo work emphasises parts of him that previously had been hidden by the masculinity of Catalyst’s discography. Seeing how Rioh blossoms in his solo music, touches parts of music that Mireu hadn’t seen him perform before, intrigues him. There’s more to Rioh than meets the eye; he can feel it. But he doesn’t want to just feel it. He wants to see it all, feel it, touch it, dive deep into it and never resurface. For reality to be aligned with his hopes would be utter perfection. “I do, yes. Every cloud has a silver lining, right?” There’s something entirely too sweet about Rioh seeing the good in a situation that had been bothering Mireu for a while now. “I like how, despite Catalyst’s stuff being more... masculine and strong, your solo stuff has... a much more androgynous feel to it. It’s much more my style. My fans have mentioned me having a solo debut before, but what with acting work, and other stuff, I’m not sure I’d have time. I’ve not even got any ideas for what I’d do, either. Somehow, I don’t think solo debuts really fit with Quantumphase’s concept.” 

As Rioh speaks of his family, Mireu finds himself picturing a warm, loving household, a mother who loves to fill up her kids with good food, and siblings who enjoy playful teasing. Of course, his mental image could be entirely wrong, but he feels as though someone as sweet, and warm as Rioh must come from an equally sweet and warm family. Mireu thinks he’s quite like his mother, in some ways, while his other two siblings take after his father. “It’s always nice to see family. I rarely get to, what with mine being in Busan. When I can, I travel down to see them, and my parents have travelled up to watch me perform a few times, but I’ve not seen my siblings in quite a while.” Then, after a pause, he says, gently. “Tell me about your family? You’ve got siblings, right?” Despite being his ‘fan’, he hadn’t done research into him in the way fans typically do. He’d always wished to learn about Rioh from Rioh, even before he’d ever met him in person. Dreams do come true.

𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐇​:

finding love as an idol is difficult, and it’s often not a priority, but as rioh has devoted most of his youth to his career, and his self-improvement as an entertainer, he’s been feeling the itch to care for himself in other ways: ways colored in romance and rosy hues. in the past, he’s gotten by with late-night rendezvous that were more casual in approach, and while they fulfilled him to a degree, he always wanted more. sure, it feels great to spend the night with another man, but whenever their time together is merely to satisfy carnal desires and not to ever move forward, rioh can’t help but feel dejected somehow. the boundary lines are set and he understands them, but that doesn’t help him feel any better in the afterglow. more often than not, it creates a sense of loneliness he can’t easily put into words. sometimes, rioh wonders if his approach to love and dating are far too “traditional” for modern tastes, and he wishes that he can find a man that shares his same approach, but his luck hasn’t been great.

though, over the last few months to a year or so, he’s met a few intriguing individuals; ones that seem interested in wining and dining him instead of guiding him to a bed, then gently telling him he needs to leave post-climax. the change of pace is one that he welcomes with open arms as it’s way more his style, and he appreciates that chivalry hasn’t completely died yet. he would never shame people for preferring a different method of connection than he does, but he finds that there are far less romantics out there than he thought there’d be, and he’s glad to know that, after a few years, he’s finally finding some. speaking of which, tonight, he has plans to eat at a new restaurant he’s been wanting to try with someone he’s been talking to for awhile now; someone that feels like a friend, but rioh’s starting to wonder if there could be more there… if the dreamy vibe he’s picking up on is mutual or not.

he tries not to get his hopes up, though, even if that’s difficult for him to do. he tries not to read too much into how long their hug lasted, or how mireu has displayed nothing but gentlemanly behavior with him since they met up outside. for now, he just gazes over at him through the candlelight and grins at the questions he’s asked; a nervousness settling in his stomach. “i’ve been doing well… busy, but good.” he answers simply, crossing one of his legs over the other; adjusting the cloth that he has draped over his lap. “we’re starting comeback prep for march, i’m gonna start studio sessions for my solo comeback soon, and there’s so much more on my plate that it’s hard to keep up, but that’s all boring. i’m just glad that we’re able to meet up tonight. i—” rioh pauses, unsure if saying ‘i missed you’ is too much.

instead, he opts for something more neutral. “i, uh—am glad our schedules aligned like that.” reaching forward, he grabs his glass of water and takes a long sip; refreshing himself. “what about you, hmm? tell me about what’s going on with you. haru told me at the awards show that your group has a comeback soon, too. are you excited?” he asks, interested. “i know that i’m excited to see you perform. you always do such an incredible job on-stage. your dancing is so powerful. it makes me jealous.”

When Mireu was young he used to dream about having a big family of his own one day, and a pretty house with flower beds out the front, and a neatly mown lawn, bordered by a white-picket fence. A traditional dream, and yet he could never picture his partner in these fantasies, just a faceless form of a person who’d welcome him home, or he’d welcome home, with a sweet kiss. Someone who’d play outside with their kids, who’d tuck them into bed at night with Mireu and read them bedtime stories, then take a seat beside him in the evenings, telling him in a soft voice about their day, before they resided to their own bed, where even years down the line, they’d still cuddle, or at least hold hands when they slept, the love never fading. Such a romantic, he always thinks, when he returns to these childhood daydreams, though he’d never moved on from those desires. His heart still yearned for something stable, and perfect for him. Which is why he takes his time now, when it comes to romance, not wanting to waste his time wooing someone who may end up wanting entirely different things to him out of their future. Sometimes, he thinks he’ll never find the person perfect for him, that someone with those somewhat traditional desires no longer exists. 

Yet he can’t help but feel his insides smoulder when he looks at Rioh. A burning he simply cannot ignore. He brings his glass to his lips, taking a slow sip to dampen the flames. “I’m glad I could drag you away from being busy, then.” He says, voice soft, the setting, an intimate table for two, tucked away in the back corner of the restaurant, influencing him just a touch too much. “But it doesn’t sound boring to me. I’m sure it hasn’t slipped your notice that I’m a bit of a fan of you.” There’s the whisper of a laugh dancing at the corner of his lips, the ready admission of his admiration for Rioh something he doesn’t mind putting out there, though it feels strange when he’s out to dinner with him like this. “Mmm, I suppose that’s one way to put it. I’ve... hmmm... I’ve not been as pleased with the musical direction of the group for a while now, so while I’m excited to perform new songs, it’s a little bittersweet. I only wish it were songs I liked a little more.” He admits it only because he knows he can trust Rioh, that these types of conversations aren’t unfamiliar in their line of work. It’s rare to like every single song your group puts out, he thinks.