Audience of One

There once lived a vibrant orchid named Olive Rose. Her mom was a first-time plant owner and managed to keep her alive for almost two months. She rarely got fresh air, sunlight, or water yet pridefully bloomed. After a few weeks, her mom found a new place for her to live where there was natural light and plenty of love. She would no longer rest on top of the bookshelf but on the kitchen table where visitors could admire her flowers. Olive thought she would enjoy the new environment but the moment she arrived; she began to fill out of place. She missed the dark room that was once her home and refused to drink the water her owner provided. One flower fell and no one worried but eventually all her petals fell, and her leaves grew yellow. The day came when her last root dried up.

I should write a book y’all! That was beautiful :) Anyway, I wanted to give you a snapshot of Olive’s life because she embodied what was happening in my heart recently.

My husband and I moved to a bigger and nicer spot! We absolutely love the community here and it checked all the boxes we wanted in a new place. We were not expecting to get the newly renovated unit, but God has other plans for us so here we are. We’ve upgraded from having one door in our spot to having four! What a concept! With everything falling graciously into place, something was missing.

With some help, I realized that I forgot to pack my self-image. I left it at our studio. When we first moved, it felt like I was staying at a hotel and would eventually have to leave. Deep down, I didn’t see myself being able to afford our new spot in LA County. Little black girl from Toledo, Ohio thriving in California? No way, Jose. Unchecked... my fate would’ve been like my first born, Olive Rose. I was on the path to self-sabotage not accepting the very thing I prayed for... refusing to enjoy the new nourishment.

Now, my self-image is through the roof! Well, if I’m honest, I’m on the journey. I’ve prayed for prosperity, growth, and success but have not truly prepared my heart for it. If I’m going home in December, I have pack according to the weather there not the weather in Cali. The same is true for all the “destinations” we grind to arrive at. Be courageous enough not only to have a goal or even work for it but to accept that you deserve it because God promised. Go ahead and act like God is telling the truth.

I hope my thoughts help someone not be like my dear departed orchid, Olive Rose. Rest In Petals.

Your girl got a job! As you probably know, I've been reflecting on the rapid nature of this turn around and wondering how I was so fortunate. Firstly, I must acknowledge Jehovah-Jireh, my provider. I would not be where I am today without my Heavenly Father. So, let’s talk about what happened...

Pre-pandemic, Jazz and I were comfortable financially. We could pay bills on time and get by, but I was actively looking and applying for jobs. Why? Because we had a bigger dream that included more than ourselves. So, I applied for every job in my district that paid more than my current position including a Utility Worker. I did not care what it was. I was looking for what would get my husband and I closer to our goals. It was that action then that set me up for landing my new position. I applied while having a “stable job” and had I not applied months ago; I would not have been hired for a position that has now doubled my income.

I have a friend named Esther. She has been through a lot, but I’d love to share part of her story. There was a time when she was the wife of a King and wanted for nothing. She was more than comfortable but she realized that she soon would have to get uncomfortable to rescue her people. When she did, many lives were saved.

Comfort is for you. Discomfort is for others.  

As kids, my sister and I often achieved great accomplishments and were met with golf claps. Although some may wish our experience was different, we learned to move on fast. In a podcast my bud, John Maxwell, encouraged folks to have a 24-hour limit to feel bad about failures or good about successes then move on to the NEXT. It is so easy to grow comfortable in achievement that we forget what produced the achievement in the first place. Comfort is the enemy of growth.

I know my fashionista friends would disagree with what I am about to say but for the sake of understanding, here me out! Technically, I only need one pair of shoes. I can only wear one pair at a time so my Nike free runners will do just fine. While in good condition, I wear them with pride and worst case if they pick up a little dust, I can wipe them off. I’m grateful to even have nice and comfortable shoes but inevitably they will not remain comfortable forever. If I continue to wear them every day, I will indeed wear them out and maybe even grow out of them. Because I know that this change will occur, in my Nikes I will walk into the store to look for a new pair.  

Let’s not wait until our shoes are talking to get talking about what’s next for us. We can change by choice or by force. Unfortunately, some are laid off now but there are always opportunities to get ahead. There is always a new level of growth! The only constant in life is inconsistency. Don’t limit yourself by refusing to look for something better. Sometimes gratefulness can cause stagnation so let’s be so grateful that it initiates our desire for others to be grateful as well. Change is for you. Discomfort is for others.

I’ve been abolished! Well technically the Physical Education Assistant position has been abolished but it feels personal. The decision was finalized during the Board of Education’s meeting. They read the letter a coworker beautifully crafted emphasizing the importance of our position, voted, and on to the next. Group chats went nuts as we wondered about the decision due to the speed in which they moved on. I called several people and spent 30 minutes on the phone with a higher up. Just like that my job was abolished.

I wanted to believe that there was a community of care and concern but that was not the reality. I traded my time, talents, skills, for a paycheck not a family. When my employer decided that the value that I added to the company was no longer valuable, they reallocated those funds and left me with a sixty-day notice. Now I was upset because I forgot. I forgot that my employer does not care about me more than they care about the progress of the company. One of my coworkers has been a P.E. Assistant for 30 years and is in his 60s. Let me repeat that. He is in his 60s and got a 60-day notice to find a new job. I’m writing this partly as therapy but also to send a wakeup call to all of you who read my content. Your job is not designed for your personal achievement. You are designed to achieve for yourself. Farrah Gray said, “If you don't build your dream, someone will hire you to build theirs.” I am blessed and grateful for employment but I began to trust in the opportunity more than the God that provided it.  

“Since when did your value come from your boss.” - God

Most would say that it is not good to trust and rely on substances to calm down or unhealthy relationships to feel safe but what if what we are relying on is not intrinsically bad? I realized that I found security in my place of employment and my identity as “Coach Kay”. It was cute while I had a job but when the position was abolished, I felt abolished because my identity was attached to something that was unstable. Our worth is not attached to the degrees we have hanging on our walls or the quality of misleading photos we can post on Instagram. Our value is not dependent on our political views or marital status. Our value is not even attached to our greatest achievements or what we do. May this pandemic expose all that we falsely rely on and root us in that which is unshakeable.  

Father God, thank you for illuminating the areas in my heart where I did not fully trust you. Thank you for abolishing my job because it reminded me that you have not put an end to my calling. Thank you for preparing me for what you have next and for providing for all of your children who are in similar if not worse situations. Change my perspective to see all situations as you do and help my heart to rest in the fact that ALL things will work together for my good.  

As kids, my sister and I were required to eat all of the food on our plates. I rarely had an issue with this household rule because I was the one frequently caught opening the refrigerator after bed time. Anywho, this rule was strictly enforced when we made our own plates. If I had the eyes to load my plate, my stomach must have the space to accept the load. We, Hamptons, don’t waste food.

Now as a married woman I have learned that everyone did not grow up with this code of ethics as food is concerned. My hubby used to eat around his plate leaving so much food leftover. When we were dating it was cute, now…. It’s a different story. I unpack his lunch and often say, “We ain’t got food to waste sir!”. After a few weeks, he got the hint and started to eat more or maybe get rid of the evidence before walking in the door. His stomach has expanded and I can give him more food than ever before. 

I’ve recently been thinking about the contents on my plate. Not the food I consume but the responsibilities I attend to. My plate feels full with self-discipline, choosing to be emotionally stable, applying for jobs, maintaining relationships, overseeing our budget, cooking for my family, and more. The responsibilities on my plate are 100% in my control. The moment I try to take the veggies off of my husband’s plate, I not only consume too much but hinder his nutrition. I am more than capable of taking care of what is on my plate. I am not capable of taking care of what’s on my husband’s plate. The moment I try to take this pandemic off of my heavenly father’s plate, I overwhelm myself and hinder his work in my life because I refuse to trust him.

We must learn to daily access what is on our plates.  If COVID-19 is on your plate, you need to take it off unless you are a scientist who can find a cure. If you are a nurse, you are responsible for the level of care you can provide, not the fact that supplies are low. If you are graduating, you are responsible for graduating with your head up, not the fact that thousands of people won’t be able to witness the ceremony in person.

We cannot control how long this will last. We cannot control how many opportunities are available. We cannot control the economy but we can control our budgets. It is so easy to be overwhelmed by the times we are in but I have learned to not take on anything that is outside my control. I trust in a God who knows the beginning from the end. I trust in a God who is good all the time. I trust in a God who can take care of every item on all of our plates. He will not give us more than we can bear but we can give ourselves more than we can bear. So, look at your plate and remove anything that you are consuming that is out of your control. We can and will get through this family. Take heart! 

 “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13) 

A few years ago, I dreamed of being in a professional company. Finding a family amongst people who share this love for dance that began for me at the age of three was the dream. There was something so pure about sweat and movement, trusting and lifting, creating and falling. I just knew that I was going to spend my life dancing every day and eventually creating my own company.

Something changed on June 1st, 2019. I said I do to the man of my dreams but I soon realized that the man I committed “forever” to became the man I saw “sometimes”. An average day looked like waking up after he had already ran off to work, spending the day outside teaching fourth and fifth graders, coming home to prep for the next day, then kissing him on the way out of the door as I ran off to dance rehearsal. This dance thing that I loved so dearly quickly became a time block in my schedule. This man that I loved so dearly became a time block in my schedule.  

This serves as a public service announcement. I am officially retiring from my dance career.  

Relax, mom. I’m just kidding!! I will never be done dancing. I am simply putting dance in its proper place in my life. My first priority is my faith. It is clear to me that if a choreographer asked me to shake, pop, or bend, I would be shaking my head as I walked right out the door because the request violated my first priority. My second priority is Jazz Domingo. Yet, I left him to pursue my passion that honored my number one priority but drew from my number two priority. Since I am not at a place where I can decide the rehearsal schedule and location, I have to pause, not because I do not want to dance or what I was doing was bad but simply because it was not in its proper position in my life.  

Today, my greatest desire is to play my role in life not just on stage. I want to value the relationships that I have where I am irreplaceable. In rehearsal, I had a place, a role, a position in the company that will now be replaced by another. I am the only wife my husband will ever have.  

For now, I continue to teach dance to kids and keep my passion alive at home and through small gigs. Focusing on my marriage and finances especially during the beginning years will position us to be at a place where we can open our dance studio and build a dance company of our own. I no longer pursue my passions because they were quickly leading me away from my values. I now allow my passions to follow me.  

DISCLAIMER: I have a lot of artist friends and this may not be your journey but this is mine. If you choose to pursue your craft and maybe see your family less that is a great decision because you chose it. I am simply deciding to choose the way my life and dreams will manifest rather than walking a path that others say I must in order to be successful.  

Recently, Jazz and I have come home to an ungodly smell in our apartment. (Don’t judge me. We keep a clean place. Do you know my momma?) Sometimes it’s been the trash or the garbage disposal in the sink. We can usually find the source and eradicate it from our home immediately. Tonight, was different. We both came home from an exhausting day filled with work, work, work, and hmm what else, oh work. Jazz unlocked our door and both of our nostrils were assaulted by this foul smell coming from who knows where. Although we both knew that each other smelled the smelly smell smell that smelled smelly, we proceeded to take off our jackets and resume our normal nightly routine. Jazz lit our Bath & Body Works Vanilla Snowflake candle (bomb!) and I burned incense. Neither one of us had the mental, emotional, or physical capacity to put on our detective gear and like my God dog, Charlie, go sniffing around for food. The candle was blown out and we laid down peaceful. Slowly but surely the fragrance wore off and guess what we inhaled? FUNKKKK!  

Eyes wide open laying on my side, I questioned if the sweet fragrance I have enjoyed in my life covered an embarrassing stench. Was there FUNK in my heart, relationships, world that I have been ignoring. It was so much easier to mask the smell with lovely fragrances that almost wiped away the memory of the FUNK. It was easier to feel sad for a few days then write it off as “Hmm... I must have been hormonal” (Sometimes that is 100% the case and other times ladies you know for sure that it is not). It was much easier to say sorry and go to sleep rather than address the reason why I lashed out with my husband.  

Although Vanilla Snowflake may smell lovely, I needed to give that candle a break and search for the source of the funk. Although uncomfortable, I have allowed God to show me some, might I say stanky, areas in my heart that needed his touch. My experiences with God have taught me that he was a gentleman. He would not just invade my heart without my permission. Even if the funk caught a flame in my soul my landlord (Jesus) would kindly wait outside my door knocking... waiting to be asked to extinguish the flame. Because he is a loving God, he will sit in your FUNK, flame, or disfunction patiently waiting for you take a good whiff.  

Maybe you get sad during the holidays or you have noticed that certain comments set you off. Maybe it’s time to acknowledge that we may stank. Let’s search for the funk. Remember when you find the source, God will be there to help you clean it up if we let him. Don’t be like Jazz and I on a long day! Take the time and energy to find the funk rather than ignite the fragrance.

Favor in the Fire I’s Married Now! Now that I have jumped the broom, I’ve had a moment to look back at our engagement season. It was far from how the movies depict it to be. My husband and I were blending two worlds and it was very clear that the enemy did not want us together. Great things do not come easily. While Jazz and I were engaged we titled our season, Favor in the Fire. Our prayer was to exit the season without any evidence of damage. Daniel 3:27b reads, “they saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them.” FIRE Well where do I begin? A few days before Jazz moved into our new apartment by himself, we were going over some finances. Jazz and I have financial help in our lives, so we were not strangers to each other’s bank accounts as well as budgets. This session was different because as we took a closer look at his accounts, we uncovered about $20,000 of debt that was in his name but not spent by him. That obviously stopped my heart beat for a second and forced us into a new awareness that we would both have to embrace while becoming one. Aside from that, we experienced a lot of resistance from individuals who we thought would be supportive. “You are too young to be getting married.” “You’ve changed and only hang with those church people.” I could go on but I’d rather not. The moral of the story is that Jazz and I were growing and shifting. We began to make value-based decisions rather that decisions to please others. This shift shook some people. We prayed and were compassionate understanding that our togetherness may require adjustment for others. We talked, met, went to counsel sessions, offered olive branches, but at the end of the day we had to be in right standing with our heavenly father and that really is all that matters. Another fiery flame was my wedding dress. My dress turned out beautiful but the process to get there was far from it. The boutique I ordered it from communicated a lot of promises without delivering. When my dress was finally created, I went in for the fitting. The dress was way to small and I was told “It’s like a new pair of shoes. You have to work it in.” (I celebrated that night by eating an entire box of pizza.) They agreed to remake my dress but I needed to meet with the manager. I believe I set three appointments with her and she did not show each time. When I shared my complaints, the response I received was “You should be happy we are working with you.” (Aren’t I paying you??) There was the final day that I walked in to retrieve my dress and explain how the rest of my deposit should be waived due to the inconvenience and lack of professionalism. I stepped through the door and they were playing Jesus music (which never happened before). I immediately was at peace and heard God say, “Daughter, let me handle it.” Ohh the bridal party. We actually were very fortunate how everything worked out. There was a groomsman who wanted to be in the wedding then backed out. There was also a bridesmaid who was a part of the original bridal party but due to her unkind words concerning my husband and outward disapproval of our union, we decided to change her role.. FAVOR We had reached our budget for the wedding but I had a few more items I wanted to purchase. One morning, I was checking my bank account and saw a $200 deposit that I had not made. I called my bank to inquire. Unbeknownst to me, I qualified for a bonus given to members who met certain requirements in regards to their account. That $200, covered the rest of our expenses exactly. Once we landed our apartment, we soon realized that we would need a refrigerator. I wanted to order one online but Jazz was adamant about going into best buy so we did. They did not have what we wanted in store but shared that they were having a warehouse sale that weekend. We found our brand-new refrigerator with a few cosmetic impurities (that I have yet to locate) for $500. A few weeks earlier, Jazz was directly booked for a shooting on the Jimmy Kimmel show with the Jonas Brothers. It was one day and they shot for about an hour. His check covered the cost of our refrigerator. I was attending a bridal show in support of a close friend who will be getting married next year. We tasted cupcakes, mac and cheese, and hopped in a photobooth. I entered a raffle thinking nothing of it but was later notified that we had won two hours of a customized photobooth. Guess how long our Cake with the Couple event was? There were countless blessings including free venues, the assistance of family and friends, and more. The day of the wedding ran so smoothly that I wondered if I was dreaming. Jazz and I have full hearts as we embark on this new adventure. We decided to focus on the favor and thank the fire for purifying us and destroying the relationships and attachments that could not move into marriage with us. So, moral of the story, movies lie and fire is not always dangerous.

At the end of 2018, I decided to start reaching out to people I have not communicated with in a while. “Why?", you ask. "Why not?", I answer. I literally journeyed from A-Z in my contacts and set up times to reconnect with people. Some did not respond to my text, some could not find time, some talked to me for hours.

What I realized during this journey was that people are starving for real connection. It was not enough to double tap images. I wanted to hear their voice. I wanted to have conversations about dreams and memories and that is exactly what I did. I discovered a friend from home has very similar family dynamics as I do. Another friend is in D.C. working as a nurses aid for homeless men. Another friend just changed jobs away from what he studied in college because he knew he was called to something greater. My favorite question I asked was “If you had all the time, all the money, and all the resources that you needed, how would you be living your life? The responses were mind-blowing varying from traveling, creating a healing center, starting a community center for kids, and more! My friends started dream with me and speak from their hearts. I was able to visualize, affirm, and encourage them. They were able to the same for me as well.

Answer this: Why is it odd that an old friend wants to chat on the phone? Some of my friends wondered, “what does she want?” as if they received a texted from an unknown number in Kansas. Let’s make connection common. How about we talk to people without agenda. How about we ask each other how life is going and encourage each other. What if we all decided to spend 15 minutes a day to phone a friend rather than use the same device to scroll through highlight reels of other people’s lives. What if we made connection a priority? What if?

My family (roommates) are trying to grow the grass in our backyard. They have laid grass seeds twice and water daily. One day, we were outside and I saw these beautiful green plants cover the yard. In excitement, I got my family’s attention. They quickly communicated that what I thought was pretty was destroying their hard work. The weeds were growing faster than the grass and hindering its growth by absorbing all of the sunlight. They were invasive plants that generally have absolutely no redeeming value.

After contemplating what they shared with me, I realized that what was happening in our backyard was also happening in my heart. Your girl has six jobs. I am a nanny, product demonstrator at Walmart, dance instructor with three different companies, and driver for ubereats. I check emails, interview, apply, work, drive, repeat. I’ve been trying to stay afloat and prove to myself that I could be successful at this post graduate life. While upholding this crazy schedule, I was also being consumed with social media and watching other people live their filtered lives. Comparison was destroying my hardwork. Instead of being grateful for what I had, I had questions about what everyone else was doing. How can they be available for every audition and still pay bills? How can they travel every weekend and go out while I give out samples at Walmart? Comparison was the weed in the garden of my heart that arrived with no invite and grew the more I ignored it.

If you are in a season like me, waiting for slow growth in any area of your life, stay focused. Do not let what’s pretty, flashy, easy, or fast, distract you from what takes work but has value. Continue watering your grass. Continue pulling the weeds. Eventually the grass will indeed grow and be healthy because you put in the work even when there was not immediate result. I am happy to announce that I just signed my contract for a permanent position at Downey Unified School District teaching physical education to elementary students. The grass is growing! There are still patches and it still takes work but I have committed myself to pull the weeds of comparison and plant seeds of gratitude.