it's all in the thrill

bennett swallowed hard as he tried to differentiate between his thoughts and reality. his mind always had a way of twisting things and spinning them until he destroyed everything around him and was left with nothing, darkness. he was a black hole, sucking the life out of everything including himself. these thoughts, they were what broke him more than anything else he’d faced in his lifetime. then there was what was presented before him in the words levi was speaking. the words he wasn’t sure he could trust. though, he wasn’t sure if that was because once again his head told him not too, that he was undeserving of such things or because it was utter bullshit. “if you loved me more than her we wouldn’t be here right now, would we? be honest with me, if she wanted to be with you right now– if she offered you the chance to be with her, would you? would you forget everything we had and pick mia? because you can’t have us both levi, it’s me or it’s her.” he stated, brushing the moisture from his face. god, he was a fucking mess. he hated this. bennett hated that he’d let his guard down and allowed himself to be vulnerable. it never did him any good. he was ready to build his walls back up. the year was almost finished and he could easily hide himself away, he’d done it before. it was only a couple months until summer vacation and then he really wouldn’t have to face anyone at all. but now was not the time to focus on what he was going to do, first he needed to listen to the boy who still had a firm grip on his heart. bennett loved him, he didn’t have any doubts about it and perhaps that was what hurt the most. despite the way every bone in his body seemed to ache, his heart still hammered at levi’s touch. he still craved being closer. bennett wanted to reach out and wipe the tears off the other’s male’s face and bring back his smile but his heart and his head were telling him two very different things. “fuck you– you can’t break my heart and then say shit like that. it’s not fair, nothing about this is fucking fair.” bennett sniffled as he slowly stepped out of levi’s touch. more than anything he wanted to stay there and let the other take away his pain, but he can’t– he has to learn to deal with the hurt on his own. “loved, you loved me in the past tense. i– i think you should go.” he can’t do it anymore, he can’t stand there and listen to the other male tell him that he loved him when all that’s in the back of his mind is the ways he could have been better ( the ways he could have been more like mia ). “please leave, i can’t– i want to be alone.”

when bennett questioned him, he hesitated. he wasn’t even sure why he did; he knew the answer: of course he wouldn’t go to her. he loved mia, sure, but he loved bennett just as much, if not more. he and bennett had something special and he wasn’t going to give that up for mia. “she told me she liked me.” he mumbled without answering the question, he didn’t want to look at bennett as he spoke, he didn’t want to keep witnessing the pain in his eyes and his face that came with every word he uttered. “when i kissed her a few months ago, she told me she felt something for me -- but i didn’t leave you then, did i?” he asked, his voice quiet but he kept his gaze fixed on the floor, tears blurring his vision. his head snapped up at his words, harsh and angry. he took another deep breath, watching bennett step away from him again. this time levi didn’t try and grab on to him. he just froze in the spot, watching bennett, eyes streaming down his face and all levi wanted to do was hold him until all the pain was gone. when bennett pointed out levi’s use of past tense, levi was going to correct him, he opened his mouth to speak but something stopped him. what would be the point, honestly? bennett wasn’t going to forgive him and frankly levi didn’t deserve it. he was being honest when he said that, he didn’t deserve for bennett to hear him out even though that’s what he had wanted. but when bennett requested he leave, levi looked away, allowing the tears to flow freely and he didn’t bother wiping them away. “benny, i--” he began, choking out a sob but bennett was begging him to leave and after looking at him for a few seconds, levi wordlessly nodded. “i’ll leave.” he said, defeatedly. it was like all the fight in him dissipated, he felt like a deflated balloon. too weak to do anything. to weak to fight back. he just wanted to go home, find something to take away the pain, he recalled that he left his drug stash at his supplier’s house in preparation for the exposure of his secrets. he needed to get them. he needed to experience the high, the euphoria, even if it was falsified. he just needed to not feel how he felt right now. “i’m sorry.” he whispered as he looked at bennett, his heart heavy, sinking down into his stomach “i’m so sorry bennett.” he mumbled again, backing away before turning around and showing himself out.

bennett found it hard to keep his gaze on the other male, every time he looked over it just reminded him of how foolish he’d been. of course he was never going to be enough for someone as incredible as levi, he wasn’t sure why he thought he even stood a chance. there were so many things that made him not good enough and he was an idiot for believing that those things didn’t matter. he would never stand a chance against mia, or anyone else for that matter. sure, bennett was hurt but mostly he was angry with himself for letting himself think he meant something in the first place. he was a distraction, just someone to use until someone better came along. when he did manage to focus his gaze on the other male he did his best to mask all the hurt. “don’t– i don’t want to hear it.” he choked out, shaking his head. “you don’t get to come in here and tell me how you’re in love with mia and then turn around and tell me you love me. that’s not fair. i don’t want to be the person you settle for. i won’t be your fucking second choice, levi. i can’t– it hurts too much.” the moment he sensed the other trying to come closer, he took a small step back not sure he wanted to be touched. bennett trembled, holding himself rigid in an attempt to keep himself somewhat together. “if it wasn’t a game then what was it? were you sitting back and laughing to yourself as i fell deeper and deeper in love with you, knowing that you’d never be able to return the sentiment?” he scoffed, wrapping his arms tightly around himself.  “no, i don’t understand– if you cared about me you wouldn’t have let me think you loved me.” bennett gasped as levi got closer looking at him through wet, bloodshot eyes. this time he remained still in his spot. “if you love her why did you bother to try with me? i was never going to be good enough for you, i was never going to compare to mia. so, was i just a way to pass the time? to make her jealous and maybe change her mind and want you? you used me for five months to what? try and get over her? god, this just keeps getting better and better. not only are you in love with mia, but i was a stupid fucking experiment to try and get over her. i’m so pathetic. here i was thinking you could actually love me, i opened up to you. i told you about parker and how– fuck.” he was abruptly cut off my a sob in the back of his throat. 

levi didn’t understand. he couldn’t understand. sure, he didn’t expect a positive reaction from this but... was bennett even listening to him at all? “but bennett--” he began, only to be cut off by his boyfriend’s words, sharp, harsh and levi wish he could rewind back time to five minutes ago when they were making out on the couch. his eyebrows furrowed together, watching bennett shake and all levi wanted to do is reach out and hold him, comfort him in any way he can. protect him from harm. but how could he possibly protect the one he loved from getting hurt when he was the one hurting the one he loved. “bennett,” he tried again, resisting the urge to reach out knowing that bennett will just recoil from his touch. “i do love you, i didn’t-- i wasn’t lying when i told you that.” he tried to reason, his voice thick with tears, “bennett, i’m a liar, i know, i haven’t given you reason to believe anything else but believe me when i said i fucking love you more than anything, more than anyone... more than her.” he watched bennett, the redness in his wet eyes. he looked so tired, so done and that’s what scared levi the most. “ because i liked you bennett, from that time we bumped into each other in that coffee shop, i felt connected to you -- it sounds sappy as fuck but it’s true, and i know you felt it too benny.” his voice cracked as he moved closer, reaching to touch bennett’s face with his hand. “i never used you...” he took a deep breath, “not... knowingly, anyway. yes, i wanted to get over her but i liked you and i didn’t want my love for her to stop me from trying to find someone.” he attempted to explain, knowing he was only just digging himself a bigger hole. he shook his head, the tears spilling from his green irises, thick and fast. “fucking hell benny, i do love you. i mean that. i love you so fucking much that’s why i’m telling you this.” he paused, cupping his cheeks, tilting bennett’s chin so they could finally make eye contact. “i hoped you’d know me well enough to know i’m that that person -- i would never use you or manipulate you, babe. and you-- you’re one of the best people i know and it fucking sucks that you keep beating yourself down like this. the truth is benny, i don’t deserve you. i never did and i-- i realize that. you deserve--” his breath caught his his throat and he choked back a sob. “fuck-- bennett you deserve someone who can give you all their love, not just a portion of it, you deserve someone who isn’t so fucked up. so please, please don’t cry over me. i’m not deserving of you tears, benny.” his breathing hitched again. “and you can say whatever you want. i’m a piece of shit, i’m an asshole but, fuck, i loved you a lot bennett and if there’s one thing i want you to take away from this is the fact that i fucking loved you every single day and my love only grew stronger.”

“I’m not yelling at you.” Levi tried to reason but he could feel himself getting irritated and he knew it wasn’t fair, but he was under a lot of stress and, fuck, he thought being around Stella would help him, focusing on something that wasn’t himself. But she was yelling and he didn’t quite understand that. “I’m horrified, yeah, but I’m not yelling.”

“W-Why am I here? And more importantly, why the fuck are you here?” Stella asked the person who entered the room, giving them a confused glare.

“Your mum told me you were here...” He said quietly, stepping in hesitantly. “What the fuck did you do to yourself, Stell?”

bcnnett: