Life&updates

I'm just so sad and depressed, ok so there's this guy name kai I met way back in 2019 a long time ago on tinder, he's very artistic and likes film, he likes to talk and make film. I always really liked him and still do because he's so sweet, handsome, cute and attractive, and just has to cutest smile. I back then didn't know how to express my feelings towards him and made the video call we had sometimes just so awkward, and one day we decided to meet but it wasn't the way how I expected because he was so quiet and barely talkative, so one day after a couple months went by he would meet other guys and be on dates and have boyfriends, but deep down I was so hurt because he would go on dates and have boyfriends that don't truly love him and nobody would be able to show him real true love like I would and I would cry by myself wishing I was his exes and wished I was his boyfriend and I wouldn't tell him I'm sad but was happy for him, I would be there for him when he would tell me about his breakups and the hard times he's going through, I've been there for him when he was in the hospital but this one time I lied about painting this one artwork I didn't do and he was upset that led him to block me for 4 years, throughout this while time I felt guilty and so sad just because I wanted to impress him so this year 2026 in March he reached out, I was watching YouTube at night and got a call from this number and he said he reached out because he felt like I was on the block list and didn't deserve to be, I can't explain how excited and happy I was, like really really super excited and very happy, after than we called and texted daily, I confessed my feelings to him and how I felt when he dated his exes back then and he said he felt touched by that, then we became so romantic with each other but there's been times where we kind of argued and those times he said he thinks we aren't compatible and when I told him how I felt he said he just said that he said it out of anger. And recently on Wednesday I told him what happened with how I was upset with people at the church and how I was mad at my parents and he was upset at what I said, in fact he got mad and said fuck you to me and said he doesn't trust me, which clearly means he doesn't see me the same as how he did before the anger occurred, and the way we talk was different, no romantic going on like how it was before and I know It'll change and be back to normal but it just hurts me and makes me said that it had to be this way, he said I make him doubt me and I want to rebuild what was damaged, so I really don't know if I should just keep it to myself or just tell him how sad I am, I mean because if I do then he'll be like ok but you're the reason why its like this and he'll see it like it's stupid why I'm crying about it. I mean yeah its good to be open about it but I think for now I'm going to just not say anything about it... or maybe I will, I'll see. I'm crying while I'm writing this because I really like kai but the way how I made him feel just over that stupid mistake, like wow but it's whatever because it'll get better.

Ok so Magda from newmoonmagick on TikTok blocked me from her accounts she has and removed me from the group chat I was in, I don't even know why I tried to support her by liking her videos and liking her lives, when all shes been was so mean to me, shes never been nice, she always had a rude attitude and yelled at me, treated me like I was little when I'm not, I'm a portal and I let everything and anything through because I'm on every spirituality side and she's just jealous because I'm doing way better at spiritual stuff than she is, she yelled at me saying I don't know anything about witchcraft and saying stuff like I don't know what I'm doing when I do know, what happened was I told her I like to open portals and she's like I'm cutting you off my life and was cutting cords, like what the fuck, she thinks I don't that I don't know what I'm doing when I do, she has a weird personality and can't appreciate certain people no matter how nice they are to her, I know I didn't have to buy I've liked her videos, complimented her and send gifts and likes on her live and yet this is what I get, I mean its good that I'm out of the toxicity, so now that I'm fully out of her life when before I did a cord cutting so I was cut off from her from the start even before she did today and even though she's older she acts like she knows more about spirituality than me when I do, I know more about it then her. So if shes not appreciated for what I've done then that's fine.

Here I am again just feeling lonely, I'm so lonely and kind of sad at the moment, When it comes to love it's great but I want some that I can constantly texting and won't take a long time to respond to my text, I need and want a companion.

I went to the transfer center at the college I went to and met with a counselor name Alexa, first of all she's a ugly ass bitch that's broke and has a retarted stupid ass broke motherfucking husband and dirty stinking lowlife bitchass family, she was helpful with helping me with the situation I was at to resolve it but she had a attitude and was slightly snarky with me. First she was saying I have to pass the upcoming classes in a rude way when she could have said it nicely and then kept saying I didn't register for the other college class when I did, like bitch you're not me and will never be me, and during that whole time she was giving me dirty looks and was glaring at me, so I'm going to hex and curse her, nobody messes with me and you know the ones that do end up bad, so now I have to go back on Tuesday to resolve the issue of why the university didn't accept my application.

I matched with this Korean guy on Hinge couple days ago and in the beginning it went well because he was talkative, but then I noticed he wasn't asking questions but we were having a good conversation, at first I was the only one asking questions in English and he took awhile to reply back, but then last night I was told that I should text in Korean and so then I did and the conversation started to spark even more. He told me he's a researcher in biology and a pianist, I just hope he likes me for who I am when we meet some day, I'm getting cleanser to improve my skin and cute sweater for him to like me.

O my god I'm so happy it's finally 2026, I can't wait to see what this year has for me. I want to reflect on how my life was on 2025 last year. last year was so stressful with school and anger from misundeerstanding, I also went through sadness. I was so desperate for love and was sad that I couldn't find a relationship and when I thought I did, I didn't. I've met people at school and got smarter and got to discover more of who I finally really am to the fullest spiritually so this year I'm going to make strong big effort into working more harder and doing my best to benefit myself in my life

Ok I left off on the other blog saying I broke up with him. I was debating if I should tell him in person, through call, videochat or text, I chose to tell him through text and so I texted him saying if it's ok if we stay as friends because if we continue the relationship we would not be happy later on, and he said ok that's fine with him and he sent the crying face emoji and I told him that I'm sorry for ending it with him and he said he respects my decision so that was a relief. The thing is I know he cried but I didn't I felt so bad for hurting his feelings but I broke up with him and ended things because he had so many things that I didn't like. after that Magda from newmoonmagic had a book club where we introduce each other and would talk about a book we agreed on reading but the first day we all chatted on discord video call we introduced our selfs but didn't get to continue the book club because we had our personal life going on so I don't even think the club will continue. So my sister got a job for Honda in Georgia and my parents were so sad about it and they cried but I didn't because I hate my sister so much that I was happy she was moving somewhere far away from us. When it was getting close to new year I did a major spiritual shift and it's going to be New Years so I'm really excited for that.

I can't believe so much has changed I started my voudo spiritual path journey back in October, that's when I started learning everything about it. And its December, but O my fucking God sob much happened during this time. I met this guy name Gabriel on Facebook dating, we became a match so at first I was so in love with him and the connection was great because we instantly got a long very well, so during the time we both texted and called he said he's creating his own language and I was just like o ok but honestly it was really weird and cringe, he also liked music so he supposedly said he's a singer but he sang his songs in his own language he created and it was so trash but I just told him that bhe did a good job, after we've talked for awhile we decided to meet so we planned to split money half on what we should spend that day on our first date. I said I'll pay for his spiritual items he'll get from this metaphysical store called earth elements because he's kinda a little spiritual and not as much as I am because I'm the only living being in existence that's so spiritual, but back to the story. Ok so he picked out three crystals one sage bundle with essential oil and at first I thought those few minutes were ok and then so the total came down to $61.00 and because I told him before we met that I'll be paying for that I payed. So after we decided to eat at this diner place so he got eggs Benedict and I got french toast. After we finished eating the worker gave us his check that he said specifically that he would pay but he was like I actually don't have enough so can you pay that one dollar because it came out to $41.00 so I felt bad and at that time and moment I was like sure so he paid the forty and I paid the one, and the cringy thing is every time we got in the car after the spiritual store then the diner place he kept on wanting to kiss, it was kind of romantic but at the same time he was bad at kissing and I don't know what I saw in him because looking back at it, he's actually ugly, and during the time we were together on that first date he didn't really make eye contact and was quiet so I was the one mainly starting conversations. After we finished eating and paying for the food we went to the mall and we looked around the store and he said he wanted to go to this one store and I was like ok, so we went inside and he's like can you buy me a pair of socks so I was like ok so the total was $14.00 and after I bought him that we looked around, walked around then just got back in his car so he droped me off at my house. So I thought for a couple days the date was ok but the thing that got be mad this one day was I was thinking about that day that guy and I met and how I mainly had to pay for so much stuff because first of all if you don't have enough money then why say lets meet, he should know that prices come with tax so he should have had more then enough for the things and he agreed that he would pay for the brunch we had so why the fuck would he ask me to pay that one dollar and the fourteen dollar pair of socks if he knew I spend so much at the metaphysical store. Like literally I spend $61.00, I'm just so fucking pissed about that shit, I'm just like FUCK YOU you inconsiderate ugly restarted stupid ass bitch, first of all if we agree on paying for something then don't ask the other person to pay for your own dumbass shit to someone that spent more on for you. By the way he went to rehab back and fourth through out his adulthood because he couldn't stop smoking weed and drinking, and he said couple times he stopped smoking vape but I saw him smoking vape twice that day we were at the mall. I finally decided to breakup with him because of how he made me pay so much on that day and how he can't even fix his own life problems and he told me he has genital herpes and so that's a massive no no to me so I'm so thankful I didn't catch it because you can't get that from kissing and that's the only thing we did in the car for a couple seconds. Then I told him we should breakup. I'll continue this on my next blog.

Magda: Hey have you found love today? Me: No not yet Magda: Aw don't worry you'll find someone ok Me: ok. not listening to her because I know I can find a person everyday that can love me.

So you know how when you're feeling so upset at someone you like so much and you tell you're self that you won't talk to that person ever again but then you actually do. Well I made up my official mind and I'm not into that seowa guy anymore because he ignored by call just so he can continue talking to one of his guy friend on the Heesay blued app on that guy's live. And here's the thing, he's muted his mic for a couple minutes to even sometimes hours just so he can talk to other people on his phone that called him in the middle of him videochating but he won't do that to me like WHAT?!!. And on top of that he said to his friend that he has something to tell him but it can't be said on his live it has to be said on the phone and I know it's because I as there watching, so I unfriended him and won't ever look back at it again for his bitchass.

It's been a couple days and I noticed that seowa hasn't answered my calls, it's been ringing either twice or three times and goes to Korean voice messages so I left him one and still no call back. And he hasn't even been on his blued account for 3 days and the way how I know that is because it says how long a person's been inactive so at this point I'm just like o well I'll definitely find someone better than him.

Ok so I just called seowa again earlier at around 5:00AM and didn't answer so he must have been sleeping or meeting someone, but I really didn't want to think about him and was sad because what if he really was but it was early in the morning by that time and so I kept calling him again and in total I called him 8 times and then I texted him saying to call me back and that I want to hear his voice so I really really really hope he does otherwise I'll just call him when I see that he's active on blued app or when it's the morning and day time in Korea.

O my god it's been so long since I've written how I've been, well a lot has happen so I'll go ahead and write about what's new on a separate blog after I write how I've been doing on this blog. So I decided to reach out to seowa from the blued app and I asked how are you, what are you doing, what are you doing today and At first I thought he was going to leave me on red but I was so happy that he didn't because he replied back to me saying he's good and he's on a business trip, and texted me his phone number so I dialed the Korean hotline and his number and called him. Then it rang and he answered and when he answered I was so happy and nervous and shy he's so handsome, cute and attractive and he he's so sweet and also has the cutest masculine voice. we were having a good conversation and he was saying how he knows this guy and that guy said to him should we date to seowa and he said they aren't dating but he likes to be sweet about it, what hurts me the most is that i'm worried that he might be in a relationship and I want to be with him, I know he loves me and cares about me but he said in the past that he liked this guy and he got him a flower but that guy ended up not liking him back, and then another time he said he kissed a guy and he along time ago hooked up with this guy. But O my god I'm just so said and depressed because I want him to be in a relationship with him but I can't because he loves in south Korea and I live all the way here in America, I cried and am just so sad and depressed I really hope he becomes single for a long time, so I'm going to call him later today and ask how he's doing and I might maybe ask how his love relationship is so yes.

I'm so sad because I never really got to experience and celebrate valentine day. And valentine day coming up soon and on top of that I don't have a boyfriend or even someone to talk to that's attractive to celebrate it with, I'm so sad I really really really really really hope I find someone before it's valentine day so I can celebrate it.

There's this military guy I came across on Grinder and his name is Tristan, but o my god at first he was so sweet and kind caring and loving he gave off that energy and when we met for the first time outside my house neighbor good at 12 or 1 am it was so good and it was good for about 2 days than he kinda talked to me like a acquaintance. So I was like what the fuck in the back of my head and just was like brushing it off but than when he called me one day he said you're not going to like what I'm about to say, so I was kinda curious but then instantly knew what he was going to say because with by psychic abilities I saw he was into someone else and saw that he was talking with a different guy. And so he said that and I said I already knew, I told him I'm happy for him and that he's lucky but to be honest I was really heart broken and sad I cried after the phone call by myself, I thought things were going to work out between me and him but it's not going to because he's dating that other person. He said he wanted to be friends with me because he thinks I'm cool and he doesn't have that many friends because a lot of people don't like him. I was like sure ok but at the same time how does he have the audacity to say that after hurting my feelings O well like whatever.

I had some thoughts going through my head today while I ate in n out, I was just thinking about my past and what I went through as a kid in my childhood. I missed going through the good ones and good times, especially the good relationships. I'm just like wow it makes me feel a certain way when I go in my past history life growing up but I know I can make good ones as I get older.