KNIGHT OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS

— jaime could not recall the last time that he’d endured such extensive physical pain. the EMOTIONAL pain he felt was customary. he’d grown so accustomed to being mentally battered and bruised, that while it never stopped hurting, he did become used to it. the same could be said of the physical, to some extent, he was willing to concede. but the last time that he’d felt such intensive agony in his nerves was when his hand had been chopped off. in his nightmares, he could still hear brienne coaxing him to LIFE with her words. what are you doing? she’d asked him, as they’d sat around a fire. his eyes were drooping at the time, and he’d refused to eat even a single bite of the stale bread that they’d been given. DYING. the man sure had felt that way then. NO, the strongly spoken reply had been given by his protector. you have to live. 

only brienne of tarth could convince him to live. it was CERSEI who prompted him to die, even if her commands could be placed under the guise of his protection. his sister sent him on countless missions that resulted in his capture, maiming, and emotional harm. jaime did his best not to admire her, through the sheen of his tears, as she changed and moved towards him. the woman always managed to leave him without the proper words. no words were good enough for her— a whole new, perfect language would need to be invented, and even then, all of its descriptors would necessarily FALL SHORT. jaime swallowed again, as brienne detailed how he hadn’t cried in the snow. i wanted to, he thought, but he did not give voice to this thought. he’d had one goal— and tears would have prevented him from achieving it. “brienne, i am… i am so sorry for leaving you in the snow. i should have returned to our bedchamber with you. it was the only true place for me. i see that now. i always should have seen it.” she’d hated him. she deserved to. he knew that. it didn’t make the pill any easier to swallow though. “i am deserving of your HATE, my lady. perhaps never of your love. but i do, you know— i love you.” none of the moment was RIGHT. he should have told her prior to their first coupling. he should have told her prior to the battle of winterfell. he should have told her before he’d taken her to king’s landing for that first and only time. “you are right. i became everything that i swore to you that i would never be— i was no different from the lot of horrible men that you were afraid of.” 

jaime hated himself for being THAT. he hated that he’d slept with her, and then abandoned her after they’d consummated their love. it was cruel, it was wrong, and it was not WHO HE WAS. it was not who he was meant to be— who she believed him to be. “but i swear to you…. i shall prove to you…. why i am worthy of you. i shall never betray you— not again. my lady…. i wish to be WITH you.” before jaime could react to the news that brienne had received tyrion’s message, her strong hand was upon his own. when she squeezed, jaime saw STARS, and white-hot pain tore across his entire limb, before it swam into his chest, and seized his mind. all of his nerves felt as if they’d been set AFLAME. but he did not pull away from her— he deserved this. he deserved to receive a modicum of the agony that he’d put her through in this instant. but despite the fact that he willed himself to be strong, his body betrayed him. hot tears seeped from his eyes, and soon, he was WEEPING. the pain was too great. “yes, my lady…” he choked out, whimpering in pain like the crushed lion that he was. “you are right, my lady….” but all the while, he did not pull his hand away. he maintained her angry, intense blue gaze with his green one, which never faltered. no matter how fiercely she challenged his already-broken bones. 

a low growl came from her at his words. “i was not afraid of them. they disgusted me.” true. at first, she was afraid of men. and the moment when she felt the most fear was the night that locke and his men almost forced themselves on her if it wasn’t for jaime. when they belittled her for her appearance; beat her up. until she learned how to fight that is. then she was the one to kick ass. “like how you disgust me now, jaime lannister.” gods. why didn’t she hate him? why? she just-- wanted to kiss him. wanted to feel his arms around her again.  she let his hand go with a huff, throwing it away from her as she stood. oh-- she shouldn’t have done that.

a wave of intense nausea washed over her. she felt like she was going to crumble over-- again. but she held it back, straightened. she was shaking. this was getting ridiculous. “and what makes you think i want to take you back? after what you did?” she asked as she slowly covered her mouth. nope. she had to turn and quickly make her way to the empty barrel beside her- releasing the morning sickness into it. fuck. oh gods. she was sick. but she never got sick. she took a moment. “i’m not in the mood to argue....” she spoke, lifting her head slowly from the barrel. “today.... hasn’t been right.” she paused. “you hurt me... greatly. and i will never forgive you for that-- nor will i so easily trust you again. you knew... you knew what my maidenhood meant to me.... and i gave it to you... and you threw everything to the side.. for her. and now you say it was a mistake when in that moment-- it wasn’t to you.”

— there was something quite wrong. jaime had seen brienne fight against the undead, for hours upon hours. she never winced, even when her injuries were extensive. she’d barely made a noise, when the BEAR was upon her in the pits, or so he’d been told by friend and foe alike at the time. there was nothing wrong with revealing one’s pain, jaime believed this quite rigidly. but there WAS something off now. he would not push her— he held no right to do so, or to question her judgment, after he’d lost all of his own senses. but he was worried for her. he would always worry for her. “you contradict yourself, my lady,” jaime pressed, willing himself to sit up even straighter, despite the fact that his own pain was building to levels that he could not tolerate. “if old wounds pain you, then you are NOT fine.” the pair of them argued like the married couple that they were not. their actions deceived them, their actions revealed what they should have been. gods, jaime should have married her after their dinner with the likes of the terrible ROOSE BOLTON, he often considered. they’d even been dressed properly, or nearing that which was acceptable. jaime knew that his beloved did not care for gowns. not when she could shield herself in ARMOR— and she wore it well, the gods knew that much. but he often caught himself wanting to see her in her plainclothes more often. she did not need to shield herself from HIM— her trueness, her bareness, her fullness. perhaps now she did…. after what he’d done wrong. but before, she didn’t NEED TO. 

“if you do not want to speak to me?” jaime repeated. he swallowed painfully at the thick lump that had developed at the base of his throat. “i would understand why you would wish to avoid a conversation with me.” but that was not how things could be, could it? jaime felt torn between fulfilling her wishes— he owed her that much, and then so much more that he could not GIVE— and following his honor and stubborn nature. this was not how things could end for them, he would not allow it. brienne made him believe in a new and healthier version of DESTINY— she was the soulmate he’d worked for, not the wrongful one that he’d been born with. the one who had called him stupid, that had degraded him— that made him feel like he was NOTHING. “but i have much to say to you, my lady….” jaime continued. he felt grateful when the healer had the wits about him to LEAVE. after all, jaime did not falter— he did not change the topic, simply because the stranger was around. once he tended to brienne’s pains, then there could be no use of him, and he could exit. “beginning with the fact that i am deeply and truly SORRY.” his green eyes shimmered with new tears— deeper ones, that mixed with the former ones of his physical pains. “i was wrong— gods, i was so beyond wrong. i never should have left you, my lady. i should have remained by your side for the rest of a life that was not to-be CUT SHORT.” his own hadn’t been, but…. seven hells, he had come close. “did TYRION ever deliver to you my message?” jaime asked. he would tell her from his own mouth— he would tell her a thousand times per day, if he became so LUCKY to be able to do. but he needed to also know his baseline. did tyrion ever tell her that he was sorry? and even more importantly, that he LOVED her?

she couldn’t understand why she didn’t feel--  herself. she felt more tired- she ached everywhere. she felt her moods shift. even this morning, she found herself yelling at a poor squire just for bringing her the wrong thing for breakfast. what was wrong with her? she rubbed her lower back slowly as she looked at him. she heard the shuffling of the healer’s feet leaving the room as she lowered her plain shirt, hiding the ever growing bump on her belly. she still thought it was just from eating too much. when she saw the tears fall from his eyes, she felt her heart be tugged in so many directions. she wanted to hold him, tell him everything was alright-- but at the same time-- she was glad to see him cry. to feel the same pain she did. 

— IT WAS NOT JAIME’S INTENTION to betray the woman he loved, and yet, in the end, a man was measured by his actions, and not by his thoughts. despite the fact that he’d been fueled by panic when he set off on horseback, jaime had thought of her— particularly when he’d been captured, and when his mind was not to be nourished by his FEAR alone. when he was chained— quite like he had been, when the late robb stark had taken him prisoner— his mind traveled to the lady love he’d left behind. his heart ached, and he hated himself for what he’d done. and when TYRION had reached him? when he’d set him free? he’d asked his little brother to deliver a message to the glorious woman whom he’d knighted— tell her that i am sorry, little brother, jaime had pleaded, with more than a few tears crowded inside of his emerald eyes. tell her that i love her— and that i should have told her with my own lips, rather than through yours. but from the looks of her now, his yellow-haired beloved had not received his words. and jaime wondered whether that was better or worse— he wondered if she could forgive him for what he’d done. and he would ASK HER— of course he would. but at this moment, words did not come for him. his lips still felt dusted from the debris, and yet, he knew that its particles were no longer there. aside from his bandages and tubes, jaime’s skin was kept clean— perhaps a demand of the new KING, but jaime rather doubted it. it was more likely to have been demanded by tyrion. even in the face of mutual betrayal, the kingslayer brothers ADORED one another. it was one of the few truths that jaime knew.

another was that he LOVED the woman who stopped several meters short of him— and gasped at his sight. “i know, i know. i am quite unsightly— for gods or men.” jaime’s tone was humorous on the surface… but he knew that she would recognize the HURT that operated more dominantly beneath its layers. she knew him better than anyone else did—- most certainly better than CERSEI did, even though his sister would have sworn through her teeth that this was not true. you would not leave me for that BEAST. gods, he’d despised her for calling brienne by that foul name. it was not true— he knew it in his heart, and in all other parts of him. to him, she was beautiful. not to mention, as she’d taught him, there were far more important qualities than those of subjective senses of physical attractiveness— loyalty. honor. friendship. bravery. mercy. gentleness. jaime lifted a brow, frowning at her mention that she had not come for HIM. not that he blamed her. “brienne, we should…” a groan escaped him, another borne of PAIN, before he completed the sentiment. “we should TALK.” it was a terrible understatement, before jaime’s green eyes settled upon her— and he began to truly SEE, rather than simply to look. her breathing was more labored, and she seemed out of breath. her skin shone strangely… in a way that he knew, but that his mind would not allow him to reflect upon at this moment. “for ointments?” jaime repeated, swallowing hard– pained at the idea that brienne had been injured. even if it was likely, due to the course of events that had transpired. “my lady, are you…. are you all right?” jaime held no right to refer to her with the name, and he knew that. but he could not help himself. at this moment, he did not think of his wildfire-like pain. all he could do was to look at her— with care and concern shining in his bright eyes. “how could i not stare at a woman of your beauty?” jaime asked. in the past, he’d asked the question with a MOCKING voice, but that voice had dissipated long ago. there was only love emanating from his tone now. the healer passed him a quick glance, but said nothing. WISE, jaime thought to himself. “my lady, would you… would you come to me?” he asked her. “i would rise and travel to you, but…” several of his bones had been broken. “… i am quite unable to do so now.”

brienne winced as she straightened her back, feeling the pain resonate in the lower portion. she didn’t answer him at first, just glared at him as her head tilted to the side so the healer could spread the ointment on her large scars that rested on her neck. “i’m fine, kingslayer. just pains of old wounds...” she mumbled. once the ointments were applied, the healer examined her body for any other hidden wounds. it was surprising that he didn’t see the state of her. he would have known them but he just thought it was ugliness.