𝑷𝑼𝒁𝒁𝑳𝑬 𝑴𝑬

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𝒃𝒊𝒐𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒑𝒉𝒚

“sparks are flying! f1 playboy elias hazen gets cozy with team owner’s daughter on private yacht in monaco!”  one headline even more scandalous than the other, tabloids were enamored by the many fleeting romances of newbie formula one driver elias hazen, who debuted at aitken f1 team in the year of ‘86. the fresh faced twenty year old was dubbed the most eligible bachelor on the grid, and that was a title he certainly took pride in. from the states to australia, every race marked the start of a new fling.

one name stood out among the ocean of mysterious and unidentified companions  —  amanda aitken, daughter of multi-millionaire businessman and f1 team owner marcus aitken. playing with her heart was certainly a bold move for a man who raced in the black green car that belonged to her dad. they fell in love on a whim, the type of whirlwind romance that had sports journalists on cloud nine reporting their escapades on yachts in monaco, sightseeing in italy or holding hands down pitlane.

elias being one of the fastest men in the world certainly didn’t just apply to the racing tracks. barely a year after the couple officially announced their relationship, they tied the knot because of amanda’s unexpected pregnancy. in january of ‘89, they gave birth to a pair of twins. malin hazen, born exactly two minutes prior to her sibling, grew up dividing her time between the family home in san francisco and the aitken pit box at circuits across the globe. abnormally large noise-cancelling headphones covering her ears, the youngster watched many of her father’s races directly from the sidelines.

one phrase she heard particularly often around the tracks was that  curiosity killed the cat.  perhaps the lectures were prompted by her visits to the pit lane crew on off days as they were tinkering with the engine. occasionally her heists were met with an amused snickering, accepting her offer of being a helping hand by letting her pass down the appropriate tools. all until marcus aitken entered the box to spot a grinning head with pigtails between the aitken f1 overalls. little did her grandfather know,  curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.

her curiosity and enthusiasm made malin like a battery that never needed to be recharged. it wasn’t rare for the girl to come knocking down doors to pitch her elaborate plans, talk their ears off about her newest obsession or satisfy the itch of having a question that simply needed answering. there was little that didn’t pique her interest. she spent summers building tree houses in the garden of their downtown san francisco mansion. she caused plenty of raised eyebrows refusing to speak in anything but french at family dinners, in an attempt to learn a foreign language. she drove her nannies insane after her many attempts at performing science experiments by the kitchen sink. her mind was a colourful wonderland, but where thoughts may have seemed so tangible inside of her head, it was just an incoherent string of words for anyone on the receiving end.

elias and amanda must have understood that bringing a child into their world, placed in the limelight and alongside the burden of their careers, would be a handful. malin didn’t make it any easier on them. normal routine bored her, and even the programmes at the fanciest primary schools in the area she considered dull. she craved to be challenged, to explore the outrageous ideas in her mind and to chase the thrill of succeeding at a herculean task. she may have been two, three, four handfuls … and after all they only had four hands.

many took the easy way out. her newest interest was nothing more than a  temporary obsession,  her suggested activities were unattainable and anything she wished to do was outside of her capabilities. the act of shutting her down was far easier than accommodating her whims, even when it broke her down piece by piece. seeking company and help with others she looked up to appeared to be a recipe for misfortune, and the only place she ever felt completely at peace was inside of her own head. the only place she could find everything she ever asked for, minus the exasperated sighs and helpless glances. she lived a reality inside her own head so incredibly disconnected from the real, tangible world around her, she would occasionally forget to sleep or eat.

every birthday that passed seemed to steady her grip on her own life. the older she became, the less her life was a tumultuous roller coaster ride, with no sense of direction. her teenage years were a phase of exploration. she was no longer confined within the four walls of her childhood bedroom, no longer dependent on others to provide her with what she needed. nothing was outside of her capabilities any longer, and spite made a perfect motivation. anyone who ever told her otherwise would certainly know they were wrong; from maintaining a perfect gpa, joining the volleyball team, robotics club and competing in the science olympiad to solidifying friendships, having her first kiss and falling in love. every single second of her day was filled to the brim with fireworks. from the moment she opened her eyes, to the moment she closed them again.

graduation took her straight across the country to massachusetts, where one  terrifying  flight, plenty of sleepness nights, and four years worth of blood, sweat and tears earned her a bachelor’s degree in engineering from the massachusetts institute of technology. the physical distance between her and what she used to call  home  lifted a weight from her shoulders that she had never noticed being there. finally she felt free from the resentment she harboured towards her parents. she was finally building a life that did not revolve around someone else, in which she could finally shine rather than live in the shadow of her family’s limelight.

and things were good, the future seemed to shine so bright it would blind one’s eyes, at least for a moment. friendship forged throughout college years, solidified through mutual suffering of project deadlines and plenty a cup of coffee, turned to  love.  the both of them took a gamble moving in together during their senior year, but malin had never felt more certain about anything once she gave in to the fleeting butterflies in the pit of her stomach whenever she saw them. she even pretended not to know about the engagement ring that they attempted to hide from her, feigned shock on her face as they dropped to one knee and proposed. everything should have been good, shouldn’t it  —  it was finally  her  time to live. fate thought differently. she still recalls the words they said to her, word for word.  we can’t be together. i care about you too much to see you do this to yourself, not take care of yourself. i can’t deal with the weight of this on my shoulders when the burden is already so heavy.  they walked out that very night, the bitter taste of their words still fresh in her mouth and the reminder of what once was still on her finger.

she moved on, or well, she needed to. the only escape from reality she knew was to retreat from everything and everyone around her. throw herself into work, in the hopes of having busy days suppress thoughts and memories she didn’t want to confront. she succeeded, too. she completed a phd in mechanical engineering at mit within five years, received an offer for a tenure track position at ashford junior college, and left massachusetts a changed woman. resolute, talented, independent, happy. or so she believed.

she always prided herself on the fact she never lost her spark throughout all those years, her child-like curiosity, enthusiasm and imagination that brought her where she was today. she reminded herself of her grandfather saying curiosity killed the cat, but it never killed her. if anything, it was the only thing that made her feel alive. until it didn’t. 

even the brightest stars burn out one day, and the fact malin didn’t see it coming only confirmed how disconnected she once again was from the tangible reality around her. she feels incapable of getting up from her bed in the morning for her short commute to work, no longer feels hungry when she gets home from work, consistently misses deadlines for journal articles and consistently feels her head pounding, even when missing the hangover from the friday afternoon staff drinks she had skipped for the weeks prior. perhaps ten continuous years of living in a constant state of stress are beginning to take its toll on her, but giving up certainly doesn’t constitute an option. to make matters worse, her parents getting word of her recent initiation as a professor prompted them to reach out. the femme fatale amanda aitken, now team boss for her father’s formula one team, and elias hazen, now retired formula one driver and unofficial arm candy. after more than ten years, hearing those names meant so little to her.

and suddenly she is back to where she was twenty, twenty-five years ago. she is confined to the four walls of her apartment, or perhaps to change things up the four walls of her office at ashford college, filled with pure frustration about feeling so incredibly helpless. feeling as if her life is again that tumultuous rollercoaster ride she doesn’t know how to stop. feeling as if every bit of control is again slipping from her fingers. but even with exhaustion in her eyes, she knows her next quest is to find that spark again.

𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒓𝒂𝒎𝒃𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔

puzzle fanatic who solves sudokus during her bathroom breaks and only reads the newspaper for the crosswords. will beat you in pub quizzes, because maybe she spent hours reading wikipedia pages for fun. knows how to code a little because she got bored one time. refused to speak in english when she was about eight trying to teach herself french. she just knows a little about a lot, might be an encyclopedia on legs sometimes and don’t ask questions about it, or she’ll keep you occupied for a while.

barely a functioning adult sometimes. will forget a week straight about the dirty dishes in the sink. maybe knows how to cook about three dishes ?  doesn’t know the meaning of a healthy sleep schedule  &  goes through the cycle of living off coffee for most of the day, and ending the day with a glass of cheap red wine to relax, and then sleep for four hours. and repeat.

has the tendency to be so incredibly wholesome without intending to. she’s a good listener  &  has always had a good memory. she just remembers the little things you mention in conversation once briefly. she’ll remember your coffee order, your favourite spot to sit in at the local diner, your favourite colour, gets you the birthday gift you wanted and assumed everyone had forgotten about. it also works the other way around and she tends to hold grudges for a very long time  ( cough, parents, cough )  but fingers crossed no one else has to deal with that.