𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙣𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩

despite everything, a younger zar had still believed in fairy tales. it’s how he’d coped, when he’d been younger. sure, he didn’t expect some fairy godmother would save him, or some knight in shining armor. no, zar’s fantasies revolved around his real parents coming to rescue him. they’d come to the door, beautiful and smiling with his little siblings and their pets. they’d pick him up and kiss him on the head, take him home and tuck him in at night. they’d tell him they loved him. it wasn’t until he was thirteen, when he realized the joneses were all the family he was going to get, that he knew no one was coming to save him. that no one would ever love him, and that’s precisely what he deserved. 

no, zar’s life had always been more horror show than fairy tale. and then honey came into it. beautiful, strong, stupid, bumbling, warm, sweet, brave honey. it had taken them eight months, but he made zar realize that sometimes miracles do happen. the perfect person can be made for you. but that didn’t make his life a fairy tale all of a sudden. 

when the notification came, zar was in the kitchen, fixing himself some tea, while honey was on the couch, whining for him to come back. his whining stopped as soon as their screens lit up, and… and zar didn’t believe it at first. but then he remembered that night, when honey had come to him. no, not at the party; the text he’d gotten at god-knows-what hour, that sent zar slipping, half-asleep, towards honey’s apartment. he’d forgotten why he couldn’t come the second he opened the door; he was in love with honey, he knew now. and surely honey didn’t feel the same. but honey’s eyes had been so haunted that night, he’d looked so frightened, that… that zar couldn’t help but give him every bit of comfort he could. sometimes honey looked like that, especially after coming down from a high. that’s all he’d thought it was, but honey? honey was coming down from the worst night of his life. zar thought about ellis foster, his own night in hell, and wondered how honey had the stomach to touch him afterwards.

then again, that night, there was nothing zar wanted more than some comfort. 

he turned to honey, jaw set, and the look on his face instantly registered; it was the truth. honey could never lie to zar, it was one of the things zar loved about him. in his head, zar could make it so anyone could be lying all the time, because no one could ever possibly like him, want to hang out with him, at least not once they knew who he really was, but honey had been right there with him. everyone else had, too, zola and kiki and sutton and everyone he loved. but honey never wavered. we’re all a little broken, baby. let me love all the jagged pieces of you. zar couldn’t believe it when he’d first heard it, why honey would even think that, forgive him without question. he understood. 

zar looked down at his phone one last time, and cast his vote. there was never a question. 

he approached honey, shaking, as if in a dream-like state. he might have left something on the stove, zar couldn’t recall. when he got to honey, he knelt to the ground, to his level, one hand on honey’s knee, the other reaching up, cradling the contour of his chin ever so gently. “honey,” he said, very careful to keep his voice even. “is that true?” he swallowed, studying his boyfriend’s, partner’s, lover’s expression. “tell me what happened.” 

@ofhvney

it had been an accident.

above all else, that was what had been on a loop in his mind ever since he’d killed daisey; in particular, those first few days afterward, that had been practically all he could think about. he’d walked through campus as if in a daze, paying even less attention in his classes than he did usually ( if he even went ). slowly, he’d come to terms with it. he had to, once that fucking cop decided it’d be all sorts of fun and games to start daisey’s blog up. the very reason he’d killed daisey in the first place — the fear of his father finding of him, of his secret getting out — was laid bare before the ashmont thirty with that psycho’s very first post. it was almost poetic. karmic retribution, he felt, for what he’d done. 

over time, though, he’d started to feel... not safe, but better. his interrogation hadn’t ended with him in handcuffs, even though he’d wanted to punch the asshole from across the table, and he didn’t seem to be as strong of a person of interest as some of the other students had been. he’d been lulled into complacency, desperately clinging to the belief that everything would be alright. that maybe, for once in his life, he’d be okay. 

honey knew he should’ve learned by now. that wasn’t the kind of life he was destined for. he was reminded vividly of the days his father seemed calm; he’d always tiptoed around the house as a child, but those days he’d hardly glance up from the newspaper when honey came home from school. he’d only made the mistake of relaxing once. the scar underneath his jaw was a stark reminder of that day. 

all things considered, he was happy with his day-to-day life, more or less. that happiness depended heavily on pretending like the blog didn’t exist, but he had zar. he had kiki. his friends were banding together stronger than ever, he was in love, and he was currently sitting on the couch with nugget asleep in his lap. altogether, he was... coping, in a way. it’d taken all of thirty seconds of zar being in the kitchen for him to start complaining, and loudly. he wasn’t afraid to be needy, these days; zar was in love with him, and he seemingly hadn’t chased him off yet. 

he should’ve known it was only inevitable that the other shoe would drop.

it felt like all the air had left the room; honey, eyes wide, clung to nugget instinctively and woke him up, startling the little dog into jumping off his lap. zar was turning, zar was looking at his phone, honey had half a mind to scream no, no, please don’t look, let’s just run away, no one will ever find us —

but he couldn’t. he couldn’t bring himself to speak, to move, to do anything; this was the exact moment he’d been dreading for months, and he’d imagined the horror on zar’s face a million different ways. honey knew his guilt was plainly written across his face. it was all he could do to watch zar turn to him, knowing that this was the moment he found out the only thing honey had hid from him. he didn’t dare move as zar came back to him, eyes welling with tears as his boyfriend knelt down in front of him, his hand warm on honey’s chin. 

tell me what happened.

honey opened his mouth and immediately burst into tears. all the emotion he’d piled up inside, locking away safely in a corner of his mind labeled do not touch, came pouring out at zar’s gentle statement. it was a few minutes before he’d gathered himself enough to speak, still choking back tears as he struggled to meet zar’s eyes.

“he’s lying.” rosa’s grip on her phone as she read over the post left her knuckles pale, each of her hands shaking with the uncontrollable rage that came from someone broken, someone hopeless. someone desperate to deny the truth. “he’s covering his tracks, and trying to– to turn us against each other.” white-hot rage rose from the place she’d been storing it away ever since the day she woke up in the middle of the forest. “i loved him like a fucking brother,” she couldn’t separate her sorrow from her fury, or her betrayal from her disgust. suddenly she was recalling the way honey had reacted to the news of daisey’s death all too apathetically. it made her sick; it made her want to scream; it made her feel worse than being kidnapped ever would.  “fuck him. fuck all of them–” had she not needed the device in her hand so desperately, she would’ve smashed it against the ground by now. “now i’m supposed to choose between my freedom and allowing three goddamn murderers to get away with everything they’ve done?” her attention caught on the closest bystander, one of the thirty. “did you see it? what the fuck is happening? what are we supposed to do? i think i’m going to be sick.”

those first few weeks after it happened, he’d still been in a state of shock. the world felt like something just out of his reach; he was numb, detached. it felt like an elaborate prank. of course he’d been apathetic. it didn’t feel real. he’d been half convinced daisey herself would pop out at any moment to harass him all over again, GOTCHA on her lips and that infuriating look on her face. but now here rosa stood, saying fuck all of them — this was someone he’d considered a close friend, someone he could rely on, someone he’d stand by through anything. 

zar’s smile didn’t break, but he did raise an eyebrow at the nickname. “bunny?”  he asked, unable to help the amusement seeping into his tone. to zar, there was only one thing honey could be referencing. “what, like… like a playboy bunny? do you want me to call you hefner?” that last part was a joke; zar would do almost anything for honey, but he would never call him that. ever. 

“right,” zar laughed as he pulled the trunks on, adjusting one of the legs from where the fabric had folded in on itself. “never an idea ever. sounds realistic.” he took in the pool again, in the darkness, just the smell alone taking him back to when he was eight. somehow, he could remember it like yesterday; the feeling of the tiles under his feet as he walked-not-ran towards the rest of his group, already pulling his goggles over his eyes. the sounds of twenty or so grade schoolers in a pool, the din of their voices echoing throughout the room. the sensation of diving in, the water engulfing him, of suddenly being weightless. zar wanted to do that again. 

when honey offered his hand, zar took it, grinning so wide it felt like he might pull a muscle. “ready,” he insisted. born ready, he almost joked. he almost didn’t wanna wait until the count of three, but he did, and as soon as he submerged, he wondered how he could possibly forget the sound of himself hitting the water cutting out as he was completely submerged. fuck, he’d missed this, he’d missed this. he took a few moments to just… enjoy being underwater. he used to do that all the time, back when he was a kid; stay underwater for as long as he could, he used to love the feeling of it. it was like being in a completely different world from the world above, where he was safe and protected from everything that had ever hurt him. all alone. 

but he wasn’t alone, now, with honey’s hand wrapped so warm around his own. he was safe here with honey, without being alone; a little world with just the two of them. it wasn’t until honey pulled him upwards by their connected hands that he pulled himself out. when he resurfaced, he was grinning still, and shook his hair out without thinking about it, sending water flying. zar turned to face his boyfriend, who had brought him here, who looked so cute with his hair plastered to his forehead. this was, also, around when he realized he’d just unintentionally splashed water at him. “whoops,” he said, giggling. “sorry.” 

honey flushed, embarrassed at the slip up. bunny was something he’d been calling zar privately for a while now, but only in his head; it felt far too affectionate, far too silly, even though they’d been both of those things plenty of times by now. “ no, no ! ” he protested, burying his face in his hands for a moment. playboy bunny. of course zar had thought of the worst possible interpretation. “ bunny like... you’re really cute, and small, and... i don’t know. seriously, if you call me hefner, i’m breaking up with you on the spot. ” an empty threat. realistically, honey wouldn’t ever consider breaking up with zar.

spluttering as zar sent a miniature wave of water his way, honey pushed his sopping wet hair off his forehead. “ you don’t seem very sorry, ” he replied, raising an eyebrow at him. he moved a little closer to zar, his best i am upset with you face fixed firmly on his features as he did. “ and that is inexcusable. ” it couldn’t exactly be a mystery as to what he was angling for — moving closer, a playful smirk coloring his features — he wanted revenge. once he was within range, honey brought his hands swiftly to the surface of the water, sending a small wave zar’s way to hit him directly in the face. “ whoops, ” he said, imitating zar and letting out a giggle at the look on his face. “ sorry, baby. fair’s fair. ” his shit-eating grin seemed to say come and get me. 

it wasn’t long before they were engaged in a full-on war, laughter and splashing water some of the only sounds in the otherwise empty pool. it was the most carefree honey had felt in a long, long time; in this moment, he didn’t care about any of the bullshit that had been plaguing them all semester. he didn’t care about the investigation, the blog, the deaths — all he cared about was zar. 

he had to shake his head at honey’s innocuous reaction, and he found himself covering his face with his hands, cheeks going bright red in shock. this… this was his birthday present. honey had done this for him, he’d- he’d talked about the swimming club like, a month ago. by the time they’d gotten honey through the window, as well, zar was grinning like an absolute loon. 

immediately upon that shy, sweet question, zar wrapped his arms around honey’s shoulders and pulled him into a kiss. how could zar not like it? how could he not like something honey had clearly thought about, had clearly put some effort into. sure, it was something simple, keeping a window open, but it meant honey had thought to do this for him. honey, who didn’t even like to do his laundry. when he pulled back, he said, “i love it. i love it, you…” he shook his head, turning to face the pool. “you remembered.” god, he was about to start crying. “nobody’s ever done something like this for me before, thank you, thank you.” this was the sweetest thing… but then again, honey was the sweetest person. period. 

as soon as he was away from honey, he got excited, and worried that, perhaps honey hadn’t brought a change of clothes. honestly, there was something to be said about hopping into a pool in your street clothes. it had always looked like fun, even if it meant walking out into the cold sopping wet. but honey had, yet again, proven himself capable of forethought, and he nearly started jumping in excitement when he saw that honey had brought swim trunks. 

zar grabbed his pair of swim trunks, one he only owned out of a sense of obligation, sitting at the bottom of his drawers, how had honey even found this? he immediately started stripping, chattering excitedly. it had been a while since he’d felt this giddy. “it’s actually- like, i knew we had a pool, but i never- it sounds stupid, but i never considered going for a dip because it was always packed or booked and it’s. fuck, i haven’t gone swimming in forever, honey, i didn’t even really think about it. this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.” it wasn’t until he was down to his underwear that he even paused, sending honey a smirk. “don’t get any ideas,” he teased, too excited to even get horny. 

the kiss was all the confirmation honey needed. “ of course i remembered, ” he said softly, tracing the line of zar’s scar down his cheek. “ i remember everything you tell me. and you deserve it, bunny. i know things have been stressful lately. i just wanted you to have some fun on your birthday. ” it was as if there was a filing cabinet in his head solely dedicated to one balthazar ros; whenever zar told him something, whether it be a food he enjoyed, an activity he’d liked as a kid, or even a random detail about his day, honey made a point to file it away for future use. it was how he’d known what to get him from the vegan bakery when he’d finished his finals; in the same vein, it was how he’d known that bringing him to the pool would be a perfect birthday present. all those details he collected, all the baseball cards of zar’s life, were the most valuable thing he’d ever had. 

“ i’m innocent ! i swear, ” he insisted, hands up in the universal gesture for such a sentiment. “ don’t look at me. i’ve never had any ideas in my life. ever. ” the words of a dumbass, truly. as if he’d never had an inappropriate thought when looking at zar — even now, he had to focus on pulling on his own trunks in order to distract himself. now was not the time to get horny. it was time to focus on zar’s birthday present, for god’s sake. focus, honey.

by the time they were both changed and ready to go, honey couldn’t stop smiling at zar’s giddiness. it was contagious, it seemed; it had been a while since honey had seen him look so deliriously happy, and it filled him with an incredible warmth to know that it had been all because of him. he was reminded of the easy comfort of their summer days; picnics in the grass, sneaking peeks at zar over the rims of different books in fitzgerald’s. things had been simpler back then, but he still wouldn’t trade this moment for the world. back then, he’d been stupid enough to believe it was all temporary. now, he knew better. for honey, at the very least, this was forever.  

kiki didn’t flinch away from his touch the way she might have if it were someone else on the other side. physical affection was never exactly kiki’s love language, to say the very least, and the list of people who she allowed close enough into her orbit to reach out and touch her was SHORT. honey’s place near the top, however, had remained unwavering, despite the fear that she would BURN anyone who moved in too close to her. honey was, perhaps, one of the only people she had left that she could still keep safe, still protect the wrath of someone who had it out for ALL OF THEM. she had known for quite some time, now, that she would do anything for honey kennedy.

she nodded, though the movement was so minuscule she wasn’t sure he could even see it. she almost felt guilty for coming to him, now, when she had been so unsure of how to be there for him or for zar when it was their lives on the front-burner of everyone’s minds. maybe it was just a little bit selfish of her, but she knew— they BOTH knew— that honey had a far stronger grasp and a far deeper understanding of what she was enduring than anyone else. it had always been that way between the two of them, really, but where they had once been wading in a shallow stream, they were now both being held underwater, with their only hope of trying to surface again being each other. with every day that passed, their lives seemed to mirror one another in a way that was almost scary. but at least they weren’t ALONE. 

“i do still love him, i do. and… and i don’t even feel BAD for it like maybe i should. like you’re… you’re not supposed to love someone who’s done something like that. you aren’t supposed to still look at them and see a GOOD PERSON, but… but i think we BOTH know that it’s always circumstantial. it’s never that black and white. never that easy.” that was perhaps a sickest twist of it all, the most nauseating parallel between their planes of existence. of all people in the world, it was THEM who found themselves in love with a KILLER. “how could i judge him? when i…” she swallowed back the words that begged to be released from the confines of her throat, closing her eyes. “do you think he’ll forgive me? for… you know, being the reason that this even happened in the first place?”

it wasn’t hard to see that kiki was aching. anyone could tell that much, and as oblivious as honey could be, he’d always been keenly attuned to the habits and moods of his best friend. she loved jules so deeply that it was as much a part of her as anything else. her love for both true crime and conspiracy theories, the crystals she deposited randomly in his room for a variety of reasons, the undeniable fact that julian bernard belonged with and to kiera kibler: these were all things honey knew to be inextricably twined in who kiki was as a person. with as much certainty as he knew that zar was a good person despite everything he’d done, he knew the same was true for jules. he might be a twerp, but honey could never deny how happy he made kiki, and that made him good enough in his eyes.

even so, he’d run away at the worst moment possible. and for that, honey was very upset with him. but that was a discussion for another time. for now, his attention was focused on kiki, on being there for her. he knew she’d do much the same for him; that was part of who they were. though he’d only known her for the time they’d been at ashmont, honey often felt like he’d been friends with kiki for much longer. she and zar were easily the most important people in his life, and it hurt his heart to see her in such a state.

you’re not supposed to love someone who’s done something like that. honey had thought the exact same thing to himself, imagining zar shaking and alone, covered in ellis foster’s blood. it didn’t matter. he’d decided it so quickly that he’d known there must be something wrong with him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “ i’ve always seen one of the kindest people i’ve ever known when i look at zar, even after i learned about his secret, ” he said. “ and jules is still... he’s still jules, to you. right ? it doesn’t matter what he’s done, he’s still the same person. he’s still the person you fell in love with. you know he didn’t do it with malice. with... with intent. he wouldn’t. ”

first of all, i’m in TEARS bc these are all perfect. i have a hc that he can count cards, so... truly an 11/10 for the card one bc u literally read my mind on that one. the vegetables thing is sdjglsdjg bc no way would his mom let him get away with that shit, but if he was ever at someone else’s house and they tried to serve him cauliflower or some shit ? bet. 

he’s a fucking mess so the socks one is super accurate too, by the time zar manages to get him to do his laundry ain’t no way he’s gonna sit around and match his socks up. they’re getting paired by color and that’s as far as his methods of organization go. 

zar wanted to roll his eyes, but it was hard with honey smiling so widely like that. he could never bring himself to burst honey’s bubble; his smile was just too precious. instead, he gave a fond sigh; as if honey ever had a plan. “i guess i’m lucky it’s my birthday.” zar was never one to do a whole lot for his birthday, maybe eat a nice dinner, spend some time with his animals, get drunk with a few of his friends. his birthdays passed without comment back in chicago, and zar was never really sure if his family just ignored it or if they never knew it was his birthday; essentially, it felt weird to celebrate. but he knew, as soon as he mentioned it to honey, that honey was going to celebrate somehow. 

which, apparently, involved squeezing through a basement window. he looked up at the building in the darkness; he vaguely recognized it as the university’s athletic complex. zar had never been on any university teams, so he wasn’t super familiar with the building; he really had no clue where this window led. he raised his brows as he looked back down at his boyfriend. “is it a breaking and entering charge?” he joked, kneeling down to his level all the same. 

there wasn’t much to see through the window, and he pressed his lips together, before he decided, “alright, i’ll go in first.” before honey could argue, zar started to lower himself into the building feet first, pushing himself back with his arms and trying to grip onto the wall with the soles of his feet. even halfway through the window, he couldn’t feel the floor, “could you hold onto my arms until i get a grip, honey? i don’t want to fall.” it was slow-going, and somewhat awkward, but eventually, zar got his head inside, feet still not touching the floor, but it was then he heard that familiar sound, the ripples echoing through the air. and that chemical smell that tinged his nose, always one of his favorites, one that brought him right back to the third grade. 

once zar got his hands on the ledge of the window, he let go, dropping about a foot and a half onto the floor, the thump echoing throughout the room. it was dark, the lights were out, but in the moonlight he could see the outline of the school’s olympic-size swimming pool. the laugh surprised him; joy bubbled like soda pop in his chest. “honey,” he said, trying to find something else he could say. but all he could manage as he turned back to the window, to his wonderful, wonderful boyfriend, was, “honey.”

honey nudged zar’s shoulder with his, so happy in this moment that hardly anything could bring him back down to earth. “ damn right you’re lucky. it’s a little sad, though; you can’t really say you’re dating an older man anymore. since we’re the same age now and all. ” obviously, honey was in a bit of a silly, giddy mood. sue him; zar’s presence alone made him giddy. he was like the best kind of drug. 

“ yes, zar ? ” he asked innocently at his reaction, as if he didn’t know exactly why zar was saying his name like that. truly, though, he was pleased as punch; for once, he’d managed to successfully pull off a surprise, fooling zar until the grand reveal. the water of the school’s swimming pool glittered in the low glow of the moon, and honey knew that he’d given him the perfect birthday surprise from the tone of his voice alone. 

a little nervously, he prompted: “ do you like it ? ” he knew zar did, knew that swimming was one of his favorite things in the world ( his favorite thing was honey, obviously ), but he wanted to hear him say it. zar’s birthday was something he’d been agonizing over for well over a month, ever since they’d started dating. sometimes, he couldn’t quite believe that they’d only been dating for such a short time. it often felt like they’d been together for a lifetime; it felt like they’d stay together for lifetimes still. soulmate, he thought idly to himself on occasion, though he’d never said it out loud. that was for another time, another day when he could speak of forever without the lingering fear that he’d scare zar off. he didn’t think he could scare zar off with anything, at this point, but it still made his stomach swirl with nerves. zar was the most precious thing he’d ever been able to call his, and he didn’t know what he’d do if he lost him.

honey was never particularly good at surprises, but to zar, it was the thought that counted. even when he led him to the spot where they’d had a picnic three times before insisting he couldn’t guess the surprise, well, it was still a picnic. honey still had to put effort and planning into this, which was a lot for him. besides, the look on honey’s face was way too endearing to ruin. so when honey said he had a surprise for zar’s birthday, he thought it would be easy to figure out, at least within a few minutes of the surprise itself. however, honey had waited until the sun went down, until the big game started, for him to sneak zar out of their apartment with a backpack on his shoulder. so, unless the surprise was getting arrested, he really had no clue what was going on. 

the air was a crisp fifty degrees, zar’s black hoodie pulled down to his forehead, his right hand warmed by honey’s left holding it tightly. he wasn’t a stranger to trespassing, was keeping his eyes peeled for cops or other students. however, most of the ashmont police force seemed to be at the stadium, which was on the other side of campus from… well, wherever they were going. 

he really should be questioning this situation more, but in a weird way, he trusted honey. sure, he had some extraordinarily stupid thoughts, but he knew honey would never put him in harm’s way if there wasn’t an excellent payoff. though he wondered what, exactly, could be so great on campus, especially after dark. “hey, babe?” he muttered, voice just low enough to be heard. “do you have a plan for getting into wherever we’re going? and i hope we’ll be going inside eventually, because it’s fucking cold.” again, it was only fifty degrees, but all zar had was a hoodie. 

@ofhvney

honey loved surprises. specifically, he loved surprising zar, despite the fact that he really wasn’t all that good at it. he remained mostly ignorant to the fact that zar usually caught on to the surprise long before he made his grand reveal; he was always far too enthusiastic, far too excited by the prospect of a surprise that anyone would be hard-pressed to ruin his fun. today was no different: he’d planned a birthday surprise for zar, doing his best to hide the contents of the backpack of his shoulder so as not to give it away. now that they were almost there, he could barely contain his excitement. 

“ patience, baby, ” honey told him, grinning like a fool as he squeezed his hand. “ we’re almost there, okay ? and i don’t appreciate you doubting my plan, but since it’s your birthday, i won’t give you shit for it. ” as if honey ever had a plan — if he could, he’d fly by the seat of his pants in damn near everything he did. even so, tonight he did have a plan. it was zar’s birthday, after all, and he wasn’t about to fuck it up. 

˚ * ☆ – @ofhvney !

in retrospect, the absolute certainty with which kiki could say that she would— beyond a shadow of a doubt— not be able to survive even a fraction of the bullshit life threw her way with her sanity somewhat intact if it weren’t for honey kennedy… well, it wasn’t exactly NEW information. it had been a long standing certainty in her life— one of the ONLY ones she had—  and it was just as much the truth now as it was when they were freshmen, pulling all-nighters to study for exams and finish projects.

ever since the moment that honey entered her orbit, took a flame to her icy exterior and held his ground until enough of it had melted away to leave a space for him, kiki knew that she would be, decidedly, lost without him. just, the way and the severity with which she relied on him now was different than before. 

she had lost track of the days that had passed since she learned the truth, the days that had passed since jules vanished from ashmont without offering her even a hint of where he was going or when— IF— he would ever be back. all she knew was that it was crushing her, slowly, and there was only one person who might have any semblance of understanding what she felt in that moment. HONEY. she didn’t head for his apartment until she knew that he wouldn’t have any other company, because as much as she loved her best friend and honey’s boyfriend, the kind of advice she needed right then was the kind that had to be unfiltered and raw, which wouldn’t be achieved in his presence. 

she didn’t say anything as she entered his apartment, saw him on the couch and moved to sprawl herself across any remaining space, her head finding a home on the top of his knee. she knew that it was rude of her to not even say HELLO, but the two of them were far past the point of formalities, anyway. “is this how you felt?” she finally asked, voice hoarse from days of going unused. “when you found out about zar, is this how you felt?”

he remembered how it’d gone. he’d been with zar when it happened, events unfolding so quickly before him that he felt like he’d hardly blinked before it was over. the look of horror on zar’s face, mirrored by the pure shock on his own; the way zar had sprinted from the art gallery before anyone could even realize he was gone. he and jules had that in common, honey supposed. their first instinct was to run. honey, unlike kiki, had been given the option of going after him. it hadn’t occurred to him until just then how important that had been to him, in the moment.

the swirling storm of emotions had been something he’d had to sort through in only a few moments. he knew any kind of uncertainty on his face would devastate zar, and honey hadn’t thought he could bear it if zar ran from him forever. he was surprised, most of all, to discover how little he cared about what zar had done. at most, there was the tiniest sting of betrayal, immediately smothered by a tsunami of understanding.

kiki had not been afforded the same luxuries as him. he knew she’d been dealing with jules’s absence in her own way, and though he wanted to be there for her, he knew that being on her own was just as important to allow her to process. even so, he was relieved to see her walk into his apartment, wordless and wrecked. honey reached for the remote, muting the show he’d been watching, and focused his attention on kiki instead. 

zar had had to give himself more time to do readings, lately. he just couldn’t keep focused thanks to the stress, finding himself reading and rereading entire pages before anything sank in, before he could make himself take notes on it. he thought he could do this, he thought he could focus on schoolwork no matter what happened. he’d managed to raise his grades from the gutter in high school while, essentially, living in the school’s basement and on the couch in the humane society office. hell, looking towards his future was the only thing that kept him sane, the promise that this wasn’t forever, one day he’d have a doctorate and a home and hopefully a family. 

but the one element that had been missing back then was people he cared about. back then, only he was in jeopardy, but now, everyone he loved was in danger, and the last thing he wanted was for any of them to get hurt. kiki’s mistake had shown that any rule-breaking would be met with swift retribution, and that nobody was immune. 

he looked up at honey’s question, quick to put a reassuring hand on his thigh. the fear in zar’s eyes was obvious when honey mentioned the secrets truly getting out. sure, he could try to deny, hope that nobody gave enough of a shit about ellis foster to investigate further, but he knew, deep down inside, that he deserved to serve time for this. he’d looked it up, it was textbook first degree manslaughter. but, he knew honey wouldn’t want to hear that. he lifted the hand from honey’s thigh, grabbing his boyfriend’s own hand, lacing their fingers together. “no, no, i’ve… i’ve been thinking about it, too.” he shook his head, “they’re a fucking sadist, honey, but i don’t think we have a choice right now but to play their game. i mean, i… i almost did what kiki did, and you saw what happened to her. and it’s not fair, none of this is, but it’s… it’s the situation we’re in.” 

honey laid a gentle hand overtop of zar’s, giving it a quick squeeze in reassurance. he could read the fear in zar’s eyes as easily as breathing — he’d always been good at reading zar, and he had a momentary flash of regret for bringing this up at all. then again, this was something they needed to talk about. if they didn’t, they might just drive themselves insane. he felt something settle inside him when zar linked their hands together, and he brought their joined hands to his lips, brushing a kiss over zar’s knuckles. he nodded slightly, seeing sense in what zar was saying — their secrets were too big, too dangerous to risk it. daisey had gotten them good, and this person was reveling in what she’d left behind. then, though, zar said something that made his thought process stop completely.

“ what do you mean, you almost did what kiki did ? zar, are you serious ? i mean, i’m glad you didn’t, but why would you even think to do that ? ” he stared at him like zar had suddenly grown three heads. “ it would— it would kill me if they hurt you. i would be fucking devastated. we have no idea what this asshole is capable of. like i said, i’m glad you didn’t do it, but... just to be sure, please think of me next time you think about doing something like that. think of how it would make me feel. ” he let out a shaky sigh, equal parts relieved zar hadn’t followed through and terrified that he’d considered it in the first place. 

@bclthczcros — the one good thing about the fact that both he and zar had been exposed was that it was one less thing to worry about. why bother keeping such a big secret when the people you cared about already knew what it was ? honey hadn’t realized how much of a strain it had been on him until the burden had been lifted from his shoulders. thanks, daisey jr. 

the bad thing, by contrast, was that they were not the only two people they cared about. kiki was still in danger, as was zola. though some of their friends had already received the same treatment as them, others still remained at the blogger’s mercy, and there was no telling who or when they would be attacked next. he and zar seemed safe for now, but what if something else happened ? he didn’t think he could bear it.